Wishing a Happier New Year to ALL

I started this year with a D&C for blighted ovum. I'm ending the year pregnant. But I still worry that next year will start the same. Despite the fact that everything seems to be going fine.

My u/s this morning showed one definite gestational sac in my uterus, and maybe a little something else. Dr. Mumbles would not elaborate any further, and I decided not to ask. I certainly don't thing he anticipates twins in our future. When I pushed him to comment on my progress, he said things looked alright, but we were NOT out of the woods yet. I can't tell if he is just being cautious with my feelings, or whether he is concerned about my slightly slow progress. Today I am 5w5d (or 5w6d depending if you include ER day) -- and we were just finally able to see the sac. It wasn't clear to me if he could see the yolk sac, and the gestational sac looked a little small to me, but he said it was fine. It turns out my beta today was 4100, which doubled in 48hrs from 1950 on Saturday. So this is good, since things can slow down after you reach 2000.

So basically, everything looks fine. My numbers fall in the acceptable ranges, we saw the sac easily once we were over 2000. Yet I just can't get excited, not yet. I do have moments -- I'll think about "when the baby comes," but then I smack myself and yell "FOOL!" I hate that I've become this. I want the next 1-2 weeks to speed by. I want to see that heartbeat. I want to breathe and be relieved. But I worry that I'll find something else to worry about.

At the close of this year, I want to say thank you. To everyone who has welcomed and supported me these last months. I didn't expect that blogging would become such an essential part of my day (it has in fact been a bit addictive). I certainly didn't expect to find so many amazing women who I admire and respect and feel that I've come to know. I hope to meet some of you in the future, and I look forward to having you along with me for this journey. No matter how long it lasts.

Maybe

I feel like a tease. My beta today was deemed "acceptable." It was 1950, and based on the original 100 at 15 dpo the RE says it should be about 2000 today, 24 dpo. So maybe I'm still in the game. I'm having trouble believing it, which certainly is driving the DH bonkers.

Dr. Mumbles isn't really sure why that number from PA was so out of whack, but he says things look okay. However, during the u/s he could not be certain he saw the gestational sac. This naturally worries me too. I'm 5w4d, so we are right on the cusp of seeing it and the fetal pole. He says its still early. But I'm sensing he was a little disappointed not to see it, especially after the beta was so close to 2000. At the beginning of the u/s we all thought there was possibly something maybe 1-2 mm in the uterus. But when he went back later, he couldn't seem to find it again. So, its back again on Monday for another u/s and probably beta.

I'm trying to believe this will work out. I have had 4-5 nasty pimples breakout in the last 48hrs. And my boobs are finally a bit swollen and tender, although the severity varies through the day. That is SO different from my pregnancy with The Snake. Then my bo.obs got big and hard (oh g-d, who will goog.le bring for that one?) and stayed that way. I know every time is different etc. But its hard not to compare.

Alright, my mission is to NOT obsess. Think I'll succeed? ha, ha, ha, ha

Not So Doublicious

Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.

Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.

I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)

So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.

Double Time

Got the call -- second beta 260. Doubling time about 35 hours. RE seemed happy. Still rechecking on Wed 25th, just in order to schedule u/s, which will probably be next Saturday.

I am so relieved. I can't believe this might actually happen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone -- especially those who told me to keep the faith and hang in there when I was silly crazy. You all have been most wonderful.

And I'm thinking of all my cyclesistas. I wish we were all in the same boat. Hang in there ladies. A new year is on the way.

More later, but I've got to run. The Snake is getting into trouble after 7 hours in a car. Oh, we arrive safely in PA!

Gracias

Thank you ladies for all the reassurance and advice. I guess I should clarify why I was worried though. Although my nurse said that they like the beta to be over 100, and my clinic checks 14 days post-TRANSFER, most clinics and data available from evil dr googl.e say that the beta should be about 100 at 14 dpo. At the time of my beta I was 15 days post-retrieval.

I know, I know -- its only 24 hours and that I was probably well over 50 or more at 14 dpo. Especially since I couldn't even get a positive hpt at 13 dpo, I'm hoping the levels are rising quickly. Its just that nasty blighted ovum issue was last year at this exact time. And I'm just dreading a repeat event.

I want to move to LA next year and spend that year raising my child. Taking walks everyday in the sunshine and visiting fun shops and just enjoying that year. If this doesn't work out, I just don't know that I'm going to enjoy that year very much.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative. I know that I am lucky to even have a chance of things working out. I guess after so many years of trying and failing, its hard to believe there could possibly be a different outcome. I keep reminding myself -- we deserve this (you all do). Its just hard to remember.

Oh if only my boobs were sore! (wonder who google will bring over for that one?)

Beta In

The nurse just called -- beta is 101. They like to see it over 100, but I am a day earlier than originally planned. But, they are already planning for the third beta, anticipating that Saturday's might be so-so. I can't blame them, last year I had the blighted ovum with slowly rising betas. They also want to be sure it is not ectopic or anything -- but somehow I feel pretty certain that's not going to be an issue.

I still have virtually no symptoms, just some mild cramping the last 2 days, and some evening fatigue. Maybe a little bit increased boobs this am, but mild to say the least. It's freaking me out a little.

Now I'm having anxiety as to whether I should head to Pennsylvania on Saturday. I'll probably get my results while I'm driving there, which might be a bad thing. If the numbers aren't good, then I have to have a blood draw on Wednesday, which I can do in PA and have faxed to them. But, of course, it will probably cost me out of pocket. So I don't know if this holiday is going to be much fun. I'm really worried that if the numbers don't double, I'll be alone without DH. But I have to go, The Snake is SO looking forward to Christmas at his grandmother's house. I could delay a day and leave Sunday, but I hate letting IF run my life again. I'll have to think about it. What would you do?

I know its early, and everything may just turn out fine. And I want that more than anything. So I'm petrified that I'm just not going to get it.

Its Always Darkest ...

just before the dawn.

No suspense here, took the FRER this am -- TWO LINES. (no pics, camera broke)

Sorry to have been the whirling dervish of emotions the last few days. You have my sincere apologies for the craziness and compulsive pee-stick issues. But I was amazed how well so many of you seem to know me. Or perhaps this IF/loss experience gives us all similar perspectives on some things. I don't know, but I am so grateful to have joined this community and had all of you to sit with me through this experience. And I hope you will stick around a bit, since we are certainly not out of the woods yet.

I'm going to call the RE office to see if I can get my beta little early so I can visit my family as planned. I'm guessing if the betas are okay, then there will be an u/s sometime around new year's.

I'm hoping this is just the first of much good news for everyone. I know I am very lucky to have gotten this far and I am most grateful. I'm hoping there is success and peace for all my friends in this community soon this new year.

Ironically, this is my 100th post.

Fading ... *Updated*

My hope is fading. I know, I know -- its early. Sort of. But not so much. Today is 10dp3dt, or 13 dpo. Unless one of these guys is a SUPER late implanter, I think I'm probably out of this game. Dollar store test NEG this morning.

I know all the things you are going to say (its too early, dollar store tests suck, its okay that you don't have symptoms, its too early). And I love you for it. And yesterday your comments buoyed me up. But today I'm having trouble believing. I feel like Virginia who has given up on Santa Claus.

I have one FRER test left. I'm saving it for Thursday (I think). Beta is scheduled for Friday. I'm planning on leaving town on Saturday. I considered staying an extra day to cry in my coffee and be with DH, but it turns out he is on-call anyway and will likely be stuck in surgery much of the day. So why bother, I may as well drive 7 hours to my parents. But I feel bad that we will be grieving separately. I think he really had a lot of hope pinned on this one, and he actually showed it this time. It breaks my heart I can't seem to give this to him.

So many thoughts are going through my head about my life. Was it a mistake to give up my career and stay home? Was it a mistake to bankrupt us in pursuing this? Do I even know who I am anymore? What are we going to do from here? When did I get so old?

Anyway, I'll let you know if I suddenly turn into the miracle story. I know, it could happen. I'm just not counting on it.

UPDATE
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I was so touched by your careful and thoughtful comments. Ones that showed you understand exactly where I am. And you all knew just the right things to say. And that is the best type of medicine. Perhaps it might even shove open the door a bit, and allow a tiny glimmer of hope in. Maybe. I'm so glad I'm not going through this alone -- you mean a lot to me.

9dp3dt, 12dpo -- Where I Come Clean

It's shameful really. I have been unable to resist the pee monsters. When I learned that you might get a positive with an OPK, I dug out a bunch of old ones in my closet and went to town. Of course, they weren't very helpful. Turns out most of them were expired, and I didn't get anything notable. So then on Friday I hit the dollar store. Couldn't hold back any longer. It was only 6dp3dt, but I did it anyway. Negative. Being the positive, cup-half-full girl that I am (NOT), I figured at least I knew trigger shot was gone. I indulged again yesterday, negative.

I know that it is still early, and things could change in just a day. But this is so hard. And the DH is getting tired of hearing me be so negative. I understand, he's the positive guy. And nothing he says can change my pessimism, so he's tired of trying. I just can't seem to muster any hope that this is going to be different this time. And this is the last time. I have no symptoms, and my previously perky breasteses are now back to normal. I try to remember that it took several days WITH symptoms before I got a positive HPT with The Snake -- so maybe I tend to be slow to make hCG. But its hard to hang my hat on that.

Okay, sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit unhinged. I'd like to try and hold out until 11dp3dt (14dpo) before testing again -- but I think the monsters might get me tomorrow.

The Gardens

So last week I went to the local Botanical Gardens to see the holiday display, which included a garden railway for the kids. We had a nice time and I shot an entire roll of film. Oddly, there are no pictures of the holiday display. Rather I took many of the new sculpture displays. Perhaps some part of me has completely given up Christmas?

Where I'm From

I promised some literary diversions, so here goes. I found this idea on Flicka's blog vacantuterus. She did a lovely job, and even recruited her dad to participate. If you'd like to give it a try, visit here for a template. I'm hoping my mom will share her version too.


WHERE I'M FROM

I am from cheese and bologna sandwiches, from Hershey Kisses, and 4 gallons of white milk.

I am from the twin house with the musty dictionary always ready in the coat closet, and afghans on the couch. From the black pickup with its own sweet smells. From homework at the kitchen table, and cousins down the street.

I am from the matching flowers in Mrs. Jefferis front yard, and the worn path around the well-house field. From the patient dog and the vegetable garden in my uncle’s back yard.

I am from watches on 21st birthdays, from Dinty Moore Beef Stew and all the furniture painted brown.

I am from the quick-tongued and the quickly pensive or forlorn. From the raucous and the do-whatever-you-need.

From sit still, and stop fighting, and clean your room. From quit reading that book and go outside. From put dinner on at 4:30, and pick up some bread.

I am from incense, candles, stained glass, kneeling and small bells. From processions to the same alter, and celebrations at the same fire hall.

I'm from verdant green hills, mists, and crumbling castles. From poets and minstrels. From pointless bloodshed. From potatoes and ham with boiled cabbage.

From one of the county hospital’s first graduating nurses who met her love at work, and the haberdasher’s widow who reared a strong brood of eight.

I am from the china cabinet that smells of wood shavings and Old English. From the brown leather album with crumbling black pages and white photo corners and tiny greeting cards tumbling out. From the boxes of slides and the collections of poses in the front yard or on the staircase. From the jewelry box with the symbols of their affection for over 50 years.


I'd love to learn about where you are from ...

Snowy Day

Like many here on the east coast-ish region, we are getting a full day of snow. Likely will be 4-6 inches, at least. The Snake is in heaven. Although school was NOT canceled, so I'm in heaven.

I found this site (on a parenting blog called Rocks in my Dryer) and thought it was so much fun. So for our friends without snow, you can still make your own. Let it load and then click on "create your own snowflake." Go on, try it. You'll like it.


Do you like the snow? Or do you dread it? Are you truly disappointed if it isn't a white Christmas?

4dp3dt

The sun is shinning today, literally. So I feel a little brighter. Not quite hopeful yet, but not so scattered and anxious. Thank you so much to all of you who offered kind words and alcohol. You're the best and know me so well! I've had a deep craving for serious amounts of mind altering chemicals, but alas, they will have to wait. And I love how many different people have stopped by to offer encouragement. And even more I love those of you who stop every time and remind me you are waiting with me. It means a lot. (of course, this is by no means blackmail to keep you around. oh wait, maybe it is.)

I'm trying hard not to go to the dollar store. That's right, no stash of pee sticks in this house. One solitary 5-day early test. Too costly to blow at this early stage. I've been dying to go to the dollar store every day when The Snake is at school. Luckily, today I'm the helping mom in the classroom, so that should keep me away. Cause I know as soon as I buy any, I will not be able to hold back. I'm going to try to wait until 7dp3dt (10dp0), which will also be 12 days after trigger. Puts us at Saturday. Of course, we all know about best laid plans.

I'll try to post about something besides the tortous wait soon. I found all these writing ideas on others blogs that I swore I'd try during the TWW, so maybe I'll tackle one of those tonight.

This Moment

The child is occupied. Everyone is fed. The kitchen is clean. The rug has been vacuumed. The laundry is done (mostly). The sheets are even fresh.

I am jumping out of my skin. Like a detoxing addict I feel creepy crawlies all over me. Like if someone spoke to me I will explode (or maybe implode) in milliseconds. Like I may alternately scream and then sob.

Yet I sit here. Quietly. Waiting. Again.

In the Beginning ...

there was anxiety. I don't know why. In previous treatment cycles the first week wasn't so hard. I know its too early to test or feel any different. Yet there are moments where I just feel my heart race and my mind race and there is no peace.

Dr. Mumbles called today, no embryos made it to freezing. We knew this was likely to be the case. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I had a little secret hope that just maybe ...

It doesn't help that the weather here is rotten. Not as cold, but gray, gray, gray. And now bitter cold rain. This time of year I almost wish I was working. Then I'd probably be in a building with few windows, lots of bright fluorescent lights and activity. It harder to get SAD in that environment.

I'm trying to stay busy, but so many of my holiday chores are unappealing. And much of it is baking to take to my family for Christmas, so its too early to start much of it. My shopping is done. I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on the internets. And counting the days until maybe I can test.

This was our last try. For at least one and a half years, at which point I'm not likely to do very well. I'm so much more hopeful than other treatment cycles, since things mostly went well. But worry is creeping in. How will I handle it if this fails? I will know literally a day or two before I leave to celebrate the holidays with my parents -- and without my husband. Can I handle that if the result is negative?

I think today I'm stuck on the negatives. Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.

Sunday Worship

This is where I'd like to spend my Sunday morning. With quiet sunshine and bubbling fountains.

Makeover

Well, with an entire day of bed rest and nothing to do ... I've changed my look. The look of my blog silly! If you're reading in a RSS feed, click over and check me out. Come on, you know you want to.

I hope you like it. I'm sure there will be more tweaking but its more of what I wanted. My special thanks to Niobe, for some of the inspiration. I hope you don't mind some of the similarities, I really love the white box for the body of the post. I'm hoping to share some more photos now that I have a little more neutral, earthy background.

So now that I've learned a little about fiddling with HTML code, now I need to master my iPhoto program. I can do some editing, but I really don't quite get the organizational aspects. I need to do the tutorial, but -- boring! I wish I could afford the fancy digital camera I want, along with Photshop. Aaah, that would be heaven.

Three, Its a Magic Number

Moving on to happier things ...

Of the six that fertilized (which, by the way, needed NO ICSI, which they hadn't told me before. Yeah a $500+ savings!) --

• one went no where
• two at 5-cell
• one 6-cell
• two 8-cell, one graded EXCELLENT, and one very good

So, Dr. Mumbles recommended transferring the 2 8-cells and felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to throw in the 6-cell too. He said that if it turns out to be triplets, he promises to help babysit. Really he thought that our risk of that was extremely low. And he is not terribly hopeful that the 5-cell ones will make it to freezing, and probably not the 6-cell either. So we opted to put it back rather than likely having to discard it.

We had talked the night before that we would be okay with putting back 3 if Dr. Mumbles recommended it. He is pretty conservative. But driving home DH and I were starting to feel a little nervous. I think since we now know of some people who got big surprises despite poor quality embryos, that gave us pause. But realistically, my success in the past has been pretty poor, so it seems unlikely. We would be fine with multiples, and my first pregnancy went very well, so hopefully my body could handle things. But our big concern is more the timing. When this cycle is successful (did you notice the when, not if?), I would be due about 2 months after our big move to LA. But if it is multiples and they come early, we could be in the midst of the move. And we also have to go one month without employer supplied health insurance. So COBRAing with a high-risk pregnancy and not being sure what state I'll be in at the time is a little concerning. But obviously, this is getting ahead of ourselves.

Thank you to all my FRIENDS who have supported me and held my hand through this cycle. It means more than you know. And thanks to all those who have stopped over from cyclesista or other's blogs to cheer me on too, I really appreciate it. Now I'll be counting on all you ladies to keep me busy during this awful 2ww. HUGs to all my cyclesistas for happy outcomes. I think its time for another wave of BFP in the blogosphere.

Deep Breathing -- warning, long post

So I am trying really hard to settle down and lower by blood pressure and just chill before the big transfer day tomorrow morning. Somehow the cosmos came together tonight to make me crazy.

First, I HURT. I know I had more than 7 decent size follicles, so I'm sure they hit me with that big ole needles more than 7 times. And today I'm really feelin' it. Especially on the left side. It just really aches and I get stabbing pains when I get up and down from sitting. I also have gassy, bloaty feelings like my insides are generally not happy. To top it off, out of tyle.nol.

Second, The Snake comes out of school looking miserable. It seems the brief, yet deep and rattling, cough he had yesterday has become full on illness. We tried to hit the library and he keep asking to sit down -- totally NOT normal. Then we progressed further downhill with crankiness until bedtime.

Third, my DH has my valium script and still hasn't filled it yet. He wants to drop it off on the way home from the hospital tonight and pick it up in the morning before our appointment (uh, NO). Oh, and did I mention that he is still not home yet?

Last, I think it was a strange conversation with my sister that really set me off. She called to ask a holiday gift question. She asked how I am, so I said good, really good. She asks if it is close the the big day. So, of course I inform her that the day has come and gone and went very well. Just waiting for more big news tomorrow.

Talking with her about my IF is so hard. She never says those awful, insensitive things that some of you have been subjected to, but yet she doesn't really say anything. I think that is the tough thing. I have no idea her perspective. She has become a very faithful Catholic, and into new-agey books like The Secret and ones about positive thinking. And often my cynical, clinical, scientific perspective puts us at odds. But she is my only sister. And she had no idea what was going on with me at one of the most momentous times in my life.

The irony is that in my 20s I had considered whether I would be willing to be an egg donor or surrogate for her. I know Square Peg recently wrote about a similar event in her life (Mel mentioned it in the Friday Round-up). Growing up, I was the one with the buxom figure, the child-bearing hips. My sister was thin, waif-like and much older than me. I always figured I would be the fertile one. She also was a strong, independent young woman -- a role model I was proud to have. But she had poor luck in love and it looked like she'd be starting her dream of children later in life. When I saw IF stories in the media, I would often think of her and ponder donation. I definitely believed that I would want to make that gift to her. The even greater irony is that she found herself pregnant immediately after marriage, and her second child followed less than 2 years later. Turns out, she was the fertile one.

And now, I feel so little support from her. In my deepest moments of sadness, she was certainly there and kind. But she shows no interest in that aspect of my life. Whenever we talk about it, she is often quiet, verging on silent. I don't know if she has religious opposition to IVF. If she thinks our differing perspectives makes the conversation too difficult. If it is a reflection of her desire for more children (her hubby said no-go to more).

At this time of holidays and family and joy, it makes me sad we are not really connected. I think this is one reason I've been so desperate to give J a sibling. Hoping he will have that connection that I don't seem to have with any of my 5 siblings.

Sorry for such a downer post. I feel better having shared. I'm going to eat brownies and watch crappy TV and chill until tomorrow. I have not heard anything since the fertilization report, so I'm hoping all is good for the morning! Looking forward to that valium!

Ready?

Ok, ready? Are you sitting down (probably right)?

SIX out of seven fertilized.

Dr. Mumbles said he is very pleased and overall he felt my cycle went very well. Of course he pulled a CYA by saying "I don't want to get you too pumped up. We have a few more stages to get through." But then he said again that he was very happy with everything!

Transfer on Saturday where they'll pick the best. I have a feeling that if they look pretty good he will push to only transfer two. Dr. Mumbles is fairly conservative. I am not quite 36, so I'm not particularly eager to push for three, unless the quality is seriously poor. Of course, we all know that doesn't always correlate, right Mary Ellen?

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken a moment to leave words of encouragement. It really means a lot to hear all of you cheering me on. Be sure to support ALL my Cyclesistas -- Becks (my long lost twin across the pond), Chicklet, SingleTracey, Carrie at Precious Little, and M at My Sanctuary. I'm wishing all you ladies the very best of luck and a quick 2ww!

Lucky Number Seven

So the yield was SEVEN. Of course, being greedy I was hoping for 8-10. But Dr. Mumbles said they looked very good, so I'll just have to be satisfied, right?

Now the nail-biting wait 'til the morning for the fertilization report. Transfer likely to be Saturday (they generally do 3 day transfer). Maybe we will luck out with a high fert rate and actually get something to freeze. Maybe.

Today I will rest, mostly. But I promised to go to The Snake's preschool and talk about Hanukkah. Funny, huh, since I was raised Catholic? Resident Boy is the official Jew in our home. But as usual, the culture-religious training falls to the woman. *sigh*

Cross your fingers that I don't put my foot in it!

Happy Chanukkah

To all our Jewish mishpucheh out there, we wish you a healthy, safe, and blessed holiday.

The Snake was so excited tonight I thought we might have to peel him off the ceiling. Resident Boy made it home well before sunset, which was very nice. The Snake got the candles ready and we said the blessings. Then, of course, came the gift opening. It was so funny, The Snake changed his mind about every 10 seconds as to which package he wanted to open tonight. Then he had to open ours for us too.

It was a pleasant night.

Blog You Very Much

Thanks so much to JJ for this wonderful BYVM concept. I'm so happy to say thanks to those who inspired me and helped give me the courage to start blogging.

It is tough to pinpoint one single story that set me off into the blogosphere, but like so many stories, mine starts with Melissa at Stirrup Queens. I'm not certain how I got to her page, but it set me off reading lots of infertility stories, and I suddenly didn't feel so isolated. Of those first blogs, there were two that I really identified with. These two women felt like kindred spirits. They were intelligent (as all you ladies are), sensitive, kind and witty -- along with a fun dose of silly. As I wrote my fledgling posts, they supported me with such enthusiasm and love -- in fact, they commented on nearly all my posts that first month -- so, I was addicted.

Thank you Sticky Bun for being your sweet and thoughtful self. You were the first blogger to really reach out to me. You were the first to email me personally and share even more deeply about your experience. It meant so much to me and I am so thrilled that things are soon to get really exciting in your life!

Thank you Leah at Tales From My Dusty Ovaries (although I coveted your title and since I couldn't steal it, thus my lame title). You were the first blogger I could share my experiences of secondary infertility and find someone who totally got it. You lightened my day with humor and fellowship (especially how we both like to refer to our ovaries as dusty, crusty, etc.). And you cheered me on not to give up hope. Your experience has given me the strength to try again with sincere hope and optimism.

There are lots of other ladies whose writing, wit and support have meant a lot. Thank you all for being honest, open and willing to embrace others in this difficult part of life.

Lift Off Scheduled

Retrieval set for Wednesday. Holy crap. No 12 or 14 day stim. No cancellation. Holy crap.

I don't know what else to say.

Holy Follicles Batman!

Well ... scan this morning was pretty good. Had at least 6-8 on the left, and probably 5-7 on the right. He really couldn't measure all the ones on the left cause they were all cluster and smooshed up against each other. All measuring around the 16 mm mark. Dr. Smooth was actually positive and almost enthusastic!

I was so worried that I would stall with the decrease in meds. I still need to get the E2 to be sure that hasn't happened, but things look good. Dr. Smooth figures trigger Mon or Tues and then ER on Wed or Thurs. This is really going to happen. And we may get a decent number of eggs. Wow.

I'm really getting excited. But trying to remember that lots of eggs doesn't necessarily equal a positive beta. But it gives me more hope.

I know some of my cyclesistas have had a little rougher time this go-round. I'm thinking of you girls and hoping things get better. I've been there, and it sucks. Hugs to you.

Still Keepin' On

I hate that I'm not really writing about anything but my cycle, but I'm low on time. Resident Boy is on vacation and we are trying to get ready for the holidays. So I've only had a little time for blogging. Sorry!

Today's scan was pretty good. Although Dr. Smooth almost walked in on me standing in the middle of the exam room sans clothes from the waist down. When I said "just a minute," he wasn't really listening and started to come in! I had to say again, with a bit of irritation, "just a minute," and he got the message. He felt really bad. I didn't really care that much, just about everyone in the office has seen my hooha -- although I guess the receptionist has been spared.

There were quite a few follicles, at least 8-10 around the same size. To me they looked around the 12-14 mm mark, but as usual he didn't say. And today I didn't ask. Trying the less is more approach. But E2 did more than double (up to 1600ish from that 660ish) -- so they actually backed down my meds a bit. I asked him whether he thought we would make it to trigger. He hedged of course. With how my last cycle went, I don't totally blame him -- I could crap out at anytime. But I'm thinking if we can get pretty close by day 12 of stims, that we will be okay.

On a deep level there is a tiny glimmer of something making me think this cycle is different. Whether its the dhea or the new protocol, I don't know. But last night I started actually thinking about how we could come up with dough for putting some in the freezer. And even how we'd do an FET to try for a third child later. How crazy am I? Of course, I promptly did a 180 and worried what I would do when this cycle was canceled. Ain't cycling fun?

Now I'm a REAL IFer

It's official, I am finally a full-fledged IFer. Last night, I did my shot in a public restroom stall.

Today feeling pretty bloated and a bit uncomfortable. Which makes me HAPPY. I'm really hoping things are clipping along and we can trigger early next week. Otherwise things with the holidays could get really wonky. Obviously, its most important that the eggs are happy and healthy, and I'll deal with whatever schedule changes will make that happen. But I would love to have things done so I can finish my 2ww before x-mas.

I'm dying to do the Blog You Very Much post, but want to really dedicate the proper time to it and do a great job. So, watch for it, and I'll work on it! Thanks JJ, for a great idea!

Slow, slow, slow, but steady *UPDATED*

Scan this morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. There were lots of follicles (more than 9 I think), but they were all pretty small. I had Dr. Smooth today, in fact he is the IVF guy until Dec. And he often doesn't say much. To me the follicles looked around 5-7 mm, which isn't bad, but not great for day 5 at a pretty high dose of Gonal-f. I'm a little nervous. With that dreadful failed cycle, the big problem was I needed max meds for a really long time, too long. And with this slow start, I'm worried we will again get to day 10 or 12 and not be ready for trigger.

I told him about my spotting too, which was still happening yesterday. He was surprised (duh, so was I) cause my E2 is high enough to keep that from happening. But my lining looked fine. He said if it continues, they need to know because "that is not a good sign," but I didn't have any this morning -- so hopefully that issue is over.

Of course I was googling first thing after my appointment. One study said E2>350 on day 4 is a good prognostic indicator. And my E2 on day 3 was 229, so I'm hoping I'm close to that mark. At least that's what I'm holding on to until I get my levels and instructions today.

Dr. Smooth is nice, but I can't wait for Dr. Mumbles to take charge.

UPDATE
E2 =662, so it did double, as required. Largest follicle was 10 mm on each size. But I suspect in general, most were smaller, probably about 7s. They did not increase my meds. I think this is a good sign, but since we only have 75 IU of play until we are at max, I'm not sure if they are just trying to save it for the end. Recheck on Friday. I'm trying to believe that we are going to make it in under the wire before the stim winds up being too long, but I can't say I'm not still worried. Going out tonight for Resident Boy's department happy hour thing, and need to get ready for SIL visit this weekend. So I'll hopefully be busy and Friday will come quickly.

THANKS to all you who have been cheering me on!

For Lori

Well, Lori ... it took exactly 7 days for this to become this. Although we did need to teach him the last part of the lyrics. Ah, young boys and holiday songs. What could be more fun.

Pheww!

Thanks for hanging with me. To top things off they didn't call until almost 3 pm. But the waiting room was packed this morning so I guess there was a lot of Monday appointments. Of course I worked myself into a panic that my results were so bad that they had to consult all the doctors to figure out what to do with my crusty old ovaries.

Turns out E2 was 229. Thank G-d. A perfectly nice number. In my failed cycle I barely got over 100 by day 5, so things are definitely better. Aaahhh.

Now I have faith that we may actually make it to retrieval. They didn't even increase my meds. So, moving forward and repeat E2 PLUS ultrasound on Wednesday.

First E2 for IVF #3 Today

Aaaahhh. I'm a nervous wreck. My left eyebrow has been twitching since my blood draw. I was feeling pretty positive all weekend during my shots, but now I'm doubting everything. The lupron has been giving me mild headaches, but otherwise no major side effects of any drugs. But this morning I started spotting again. This happened about 5 days into my stim cycle last time because my E2 was still really low. Now its happening again, so I am really concerned that nothing is happening. WHY did it have to happen? Especially this morning. Couldn't I have gotten my results first?!

Resident Boy is on vacation this week, so that is nice. But he can only be so helpful with this meltdown. He tells me to pretend I don't know anything and not to think about it -- yeah, right. The call should come by about 2pm, when I think they will tell me its low and up my dose to the max. This would not be a good thing. I have a feeling we are not making it to retrieval.

I know I need to be positive, but for the next couple hours I don't think its possible. I'll let you know.

Liar, Liar

Do you think Santa can be a liar? Come on, do you really think that bully in 5th grade really deserved that new bike?

We saw this movie today in an old renovated theater for a dollar. The Snake's big impression was that Santa is NOT a liar. Santa does not lie.



I assured him this was correct. Santa would not lie. But yet I wonder?

Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Good to Go

Baseline yesterday was fine. Antral count at 9. Not exactly stellar, but it will have to do. My last failed crappy cycle had only 7, and the time before that was only 11. So I guess we are falling somewhere in the middle. Hopefully the dhea has made those 9 spectacular!

Start microdose lupron tomorrow and stims on Saturday. First E2 on Monday. Here's hoping!

The Holidays are Coming

Today I discovered my son is learning a variety of traditional holiday songs for his school concert. We cuddled together and sang Jingle Bells and Over the River and Through the Woods (complete with hand gestures). It was a precious moment.

Then a bit later as I'm making dinner in the kitchen I hear in our distant playroom:

Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Jingle all the way
Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Poopy in your eye

Aren't 4-year-old boys sweet?

Anxiety Setting In

It is probably just the my withdrawal from the BCPs, but today I feel worried. I know its just because baseline it tomorrow. This weekend I felt more positive than I have in a long time. But today the worry is winning. I actually had those brief bursts of hormonal moments where I thought I'd burst into tears for no reason. Fun, huh?

My clinic doesn't generally tell you much about your antral follicle count, in fact they have never told me. But I think I need to ask and compare to previous cycles. To help the hope rebound. Although I know its not so much how many I start with, as much as how they respond.

I'm nervous for the lupron too. I've never done a down regulation before. While this is only microdose, I'm still worried about what it will do to my emotional state. Here's hoping I'm not a raving lunatic for Turkey Day.

I know things will be fine. I just know I'll be better once I get that first E2, next Monday. I feel like The Snake when he's waiting for something: A week, but that's soooo long! I can't wait that looong!

The End? Or the Beginning?

Oh G-D, I hope so.

Today I took my last BCP. Now back in June I thought I took my last BCP ever. And I was wrong. So I won't say ever. But it is my last BCP for an ART cycle in a long time. After this cycle, we will be financially out of the game for at least 1-2 years.

While in many ways I am looking forward to being done with treatments, I know that I won't be able to completely leave the mentality that goes along with TTC. With an undiagnosed diagnosis, its hard to ever completely give up hope on that miracle conception.

This time around we will be doing an entirely new protocol -- microdose lupron. Plus, I've been on DHEA for 3-4 months. I also have more Gonal-F that I can use this cycle than in the past. My RE doesn't have strong feelings about exactly which gonadotropins patients use, but with that horrible canceled cycle last summer, I used Follistim. Previously I'd only used Gonal-F with the Menopur with decent results. So I'm hoping that maybe my body prefers it, and I have enough (thanks to my dr and my friends) to use it more regularly throughout the stim.

So I'm working really hard to believe that this time will be different. I'm feeling pretty good and (after a few trying days with The Snake) things seem to be on the upswing. I feel happy sometimes (even horny sometimes, ssshhh). And Resident Boy will be on vacation during most of our stims. Of course it would have been better if he was off during ER and ET, but he requested the vacation awhile ago. So I'm looking forward to spending time together, and as for our procedures -- we will work it out. Luckily I can go to most of my scans without The Snake. So I will be less stressed, and hopefully not piss off anyone in the waiting area by being there with my kid in tow (I'm not mad, I really do understand).

Tuesday will be Baseline, start Lupron on Turkey day, Begin stims next Saturday. Hopefully make it to ER by Chanukkah (week of Dec 3).

I would love for it to be The End. And the Beginning of Something Wonderful.

Single White Female

Wanted: Older man for romps in the yard, followed by hours of snuggling.

About me: Four-year-old single gal. Likes -- crumbs on the floor, sneaking little boy's leftovers off the table, "secretly" sleeping in the people's bed, barking at the mail person or delivery person or kids walking to school. Dislikes -- the squirrels in my yard, the rabbits in my yard, when my tennis ball goes under the fence.

Looking for a serious relationship, although never been in long-term relationship. Battling a few abandonment issues (I knew my beagle mom, but my dad ditched her before I was born) -- so a man who is ready for a commitment is a must. Willing to consider a long distance romance.

So Gus, if this sounds like something you'd be interested in, drop me a line. Or if some other charming guys stumbles across this profile -- well, drop me a line.

Many, Many Thanks

Today I received a wonderful gift from a fellow blogger. A FedX package arrived containing some valuable items to help me get through this next cycle. I know it is often said, but can't be repeated enough -- this is a wonderful community. When I started blogging, I never expected to get so much from people I had never met. An encouraging word or a commiserating (virtual) smile I expected. But not such generous offers of help. You all have stepped up, offering your extras, your help and advice with our move, so much.

Today I thank you all. And somehow I think with this new support, this cycle may be different. Perhaps this was the therapy I needed.

It's a Conspiracy

Like so many endeavors, one must ask -- will it require talent, or simple skill and diligence? If provided the time and appropriate tools, can I create a masterpiece? A work of beauty?

Well, apparently not. And I blame Mich@els, and JoAnn's, and AC More -- all of them! They woo you with pretty craft examples, and easy how-to books. Make it seem like you are just one class away from professional results. That's right, with the right equipment you can be so amazing that you will sell out at the craft fair in a matter of minutes!

Humphh.

Today I worked on making holiday cards. I'm a bit of a rubber stamp fan (I wouldn't quite say "enthusiast"). I've done this in the past with some simple but pleasing results. Well, last spring I bought a lovely book with my 40% off coupon. I had secret dreams of becoming one of those women in Country Living or Better Homes and Gardens who made their hobby a thriving home business. You know, where you can work in your pajamas and walk the dog and wipe the kids' chins -- all while generating thousands of dollars in revenue. Well, it's dawning on me that I am no design diva in hiding. And despite all my aspirations for beautiful cards, it all fell just a bit flat. I even abandoned the project briefly to get MORE supplies that I thought would help, with no substantial change in results. And even THEN, I couldn't help but wonder if I only had that fancy embossing powder, or that expensive cutting instrument ...

I'm telling you -- It's a Conspiracy!

Unexpected Attachments

Below find the post by our mystery blogger. Please make a guess in the comments section. Then you see this sites normal blogger by clicking on the link at the end of the post. Have fun!


"Looking at my family now, I note there have been 11 (or 16, counting another way) divorces, spread across three generations -- more than enough for a soap, and not what its members would have invented for themselves as children. But we cannot now unumagine the new fathers and step-aunts and half brothers and sisters and half grandnieces that sit around the family tables on a Thanksgiving, or wish a life for ourselves that did not include unexpected attachments." - Roger Angell

Out of the corner of my eye through the office window I can see the tiniest flakes of snow of the coming winter. Some drift sideways, some seem to fall straight down, all in different planes, the trees are skeletal. The sky is gray and leaves settled in the gutter. It is all so familiar. The short, dark days. The beginning of the winter in a place where the wind chill can drop to forty below and winter days are routinely in the teens and in the spring, kids shed their jackets at the first forty degrees above zero -- playing in their shirtsleeves because it seems so warm. This place of biting cold, short winter days. One of my favorite winter scenes is watching the pick up hockey games on Lake of the Isles, the mansions blanketed with snow and strung with lights, the ice cleared and kids perched on the boards like rodeo cowboys waiting their turn in the chute.

When the radio seeped into my consciousness this morning imagine my surprise to hear someone talking about how lilacs were blooming by Lake Harriet, and crocuses peeking up through the ground...disoriented I never figured out if they were talking about the encoded trigger points of nature going haywire, or if it was some springtime rebroadcast...though the local weather is calling for 50s and rain, even with these few flakes -- the very thought of it seems incongruent, unsettling.

G. is going deer hunting up north and W. goes back to his mom today, a transition day. I felt myself consumed with worry -- worry for G. hunting alone -- last night at the Coliseum on the fairgrounds W. had hockey practice and G. and I walked around the concrete perimeter of the rink, looking up at the arcing cavernous ceiling, the old bolted metal seats; this is a place where, in summer, they do barrel racing and show the 4H blue ribbon animals. "You could come with me" he says
"We could get a hotel, you could soak in the bathtub" his face lights up. He laughs to himself. Once he's allowed himself the chance to think about the coziness of it all, the prospect of a tent in the woods alone for three days seems lonely.

This morning I just got really sad with the normal bustle of morning routine -- those two were racing around, G. working a half-day before leaving, after W. gets to school I go around the house packing his bags that go with him to his mother's house -- the giant blue hockey bag filled with clothes, and then the REAL hockey bag -- and then the GOALIE bag. And he's seven. I wet his hair down with a comb, it's retake day for pictures.

"When you get there, check in the mirror" I say " you have this one part that's all sticky-outy" He stands there dutifully.

"They don't have a mirror" he says, plastering it down with his hand. His dad comes in and take over the combing. I am tossing dishes around again.

They both make sounds about how I am so grumpy in the morning...the razzing of them both -- it's not G. that gets to me -- because he tempers his teasing with liberal hugs, sweet whispers, laughter, the loving look in his eye. But W. sometimes it is just so clear that he loves me, but I am not essential to his happiness. He doesn't court my love, need it, come to me for warmth -- and this uneasy ebb and flow of emotion between us, even at this age, is hard. He stands apart, so I stand apart --and I'm aching in this distance between us to have a child who calls me 'mommy' -- who throws themselves into my arms, who can't bear to be without me.

I would never trade the love I have for W. -- that challenges me to love unconditionally, to risk, to be effusive when I might otherwise be quiet -- and I don't always succeed -- sometimes I am closed, and sad, and unapproachable. I hugged him as he left and put my arms around him.

"Give me a hug. You'll be gone for a week. I miss you when you're gone." He lets me hug him.

"But it's ooonly a week." He says, shrugging his camo backpack up on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but a week without you seems like a very long time." And he follows his dad out the door with a casual 'see ya'...him like a duckling behind his dad.

As they close the door I am engulfed again with the longing -- even now on this enforced break -- I keep asking -- am I ready for more shots? Another round of overstimming if it comes to that? IVF if it comes to that? I wanted to take advantage of this break to get my head on straight, to do yoga, to refocus, to get out of the single-minded, marathon of trying to conceive...take a few months through the holidays.

The other day I had a daydream leaving Target, and felt deeply the presence of my little girl -- though I've never even been pregnant, not once. It was startling, and strange.

Though I'd have my life no other way, and I deeply love W. and we share a bond that's hard to describe, I know I'm not his mom.

So the house will be quiet this next week -- it will be me and my lucygirl in the long dark evening -- me knitting a baby blanket,and Lucy scratching at the couch, pretending she's pawing a nest in the snow for her den.

Okay -- now you get to guess who this mystery blogger might be -- and to catch up with your regularly scheduled blogger on this cross polination event -- click here.

Spelling Lesson

This morning J (heretofore known as "The Snake") and I visited our family doctor's office for our annual flu shots. While waiting, The Snake found an old Fisher Price magnetic chalkboard with a smattering of remaining letters. As his interest in reading and spelling is burgeoning, he wanted me to make some words for him. Being the facile wordsmith that I am, I was happy to oblige. However, this was no easy task. Our selection of vowels was limited to "O", which I think might really have been the zero, and "U."

I scrounged up a few consonants and managed to make "FUN." But beyond that the best I could do was "OLD." I was trying to get The Snake to sound out the word. Finally I just said, "OLD, like Mommy feels most of the time."

The lady sitting next to us snickered.

Spread the Word -- VOTE

Mel at Stirrup Queens needs our help. Cause she helps us. Get out the VOTE. Email your friends and family (if you can), and have them vote. The more attention IF gets the better.

Go here to VOTE.

Blocked. Breakouts? New Beginnings?

Clearly, I've been blocked. No, not like ... I need milk of magnesia blocked! ... writer's block. Aside from a moment of paranoid meltdown, I have yet to post anything substantial in weeks. My apologies.

Brief aside: Thanks so much to Mel, and all the other bloggers who stepped up and offered to comfort me and help ease my insanity over our future move to LA. As usual the Queen was amazing and hooked me up and kept me from jumping off the edge. So be sure to go and vote for her at the weblog awards. You can vote every 24 hours (until Nov 8), so vote every 24 hrs damn it!

I've been in a strange place when it comes to this blog. When I first started, I loved how it was anonymous and I could write whatever I wanted. I could spew anything and get it off my chest. Then I met many of you and I found myself sharing more and more, and wanting to be less anonymous. And then I found so many amazing, witty, clever, creative, honest, beautiful and substantial blogs. And now I want to be more.

I've been thinking a lot about how I want this to be more than an IF blog. Hold on, don't run away yet. Its just that I'm trying hard for there to be more to ME than IF. Its like Lori talked about in her Chakra Sundays profile on Sacral Chakra:

Be careful who you declare yourself to be. The Universe will support your creative declaration. You want to be Infertile4ever.blogspot.com? You got it. Call yourself cantgetpreggers.wordpress.com? Okey-dokey. If your entire persona is tied to being neveramom.com, the Universe will comply -- for who would you be if not this identity you've worked so hard on? By blogging, you are creating. So do it consciously and with awareness of who you want to be.

But I haven't quite discovered how to break out. I'm working on it. I'm thinking a bit about moving to Word.press. Shaking up the layout of the blog. Working more on my own writing style and voice. Starting to post some of my photography, although I'm no Niobe. Maybe adding a section for the Shop to Make Mom or Pop Store. Talking a little more about parenting to help me focus on the positive of being at home with J. I'm also thinking of making it not-anonymous, but I'm not quite sure. Maybe I will keep this private space to be able to fully delve into my IF woes.

Meanwhile, only 2 more weeks of BCPs left! Then its baselines and bloodwork and microdose Lupron. Then in 3 weeks ... stims. I'm afraid. Very, very afraid. As usual, Mel described how I'm feeling very well just the other day. Cause this is it. The last amyegg cycle. I'm hoping it turns out like the last Leah egg cycle. With a BFP. If not, it will be a new beginning. Time to prepare for a new city, maybe a new job, and a new life. Maybe.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade -- Happiness Sold Separately

Lolly Winston was a new author for me. I enjoyed Happiness Sold Separately, it was a quick easy read with characters I could certainly relate to. I did have a little trouble relating to Gina and her son Toby, but perhaps this is because I so strongly connected with Elinor. So Ladies, here is my perspective on some of these questions. If this lovely book club intrigues you then ... hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.

In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?

I have been fortunate enough to experience pregnancy and childbirth, but I do long deeply to experience it again. My grief over my secondary infertility is definitely centered on my pain in being unable to give my husband more children. Part of what brought us together as a couple was our simple desires for home and family. I think knowing what we created together in J makes it even more painful. I think my feelings are also exacerbated by the fact that the only problems we can find are with me; all his tests are good. So I can easily place it all on my shoulders. Which is ironic, because my beautiful husband says that just having me and J is enough for him. He is a wonderful, loving father.

Elinor finally finds out there's a reason for her pregnancy problems, "a balanced translocation," and finds "there's solace in learning that something is tangibly wrong." How does (or would) a definitive, action-able diagnosis affect your ability to adjust or come to terms with your infertility? How would it affect your emotional response? Would it provide some closure? Alternatively, if you're in the unexplained category how does that ambiguity affect your decision-making and desire to keep trying?

The sadness in not having another child, especially one close in age to J, would not be different if I had a diagnosis (I am indeed one of the retched "unexplained"). However, I do think it would be much easier to cope and make decisions regarding treatment if we had a diagnosis. As a potential age-related, decreased ovarian reserve category member, it is difficult to decide how far to go and when to stop. Since expenses also are a factor in our decision-making process, it would help to have more concrete picture of the situation. I know that somewhere in there there must be a couple decent eggs left. But will I ever see them? Will IVF coax them out? Or will we just flush all our money down the drain? And will I ever get to spend a month without wondering if this could be THE ONE?

Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

I thought about my biological clock while pursuing my professional degree; I didn't want to ignore it. But fate worked things out in such a way that my husband and I couldn't manage to just be poor and in school together. So we alternately worked and went to school. That made us older by the time I felt we could possibly consider children. Then it took almost a year to conceive J (which I know they say can be normal, but I swear it was a harbinger of things to come). While we were trying I did focus on my career. Then once I had J, I abandoned my profession to stay home and support DH's pursuit of career. Now I'm neglecting my career in my pursuit of more children. Once I knew I was facing IF, I dropped any consideration of returning to work and threw myself into procreation. I often wonder if I'm so engrossed in this quest that I'm neglecting my husband and son.

I pay attention to IF. Sometimes I pay attention to my son. When he is around I briefly pay attention to my husband. I've stopped paying attention to a career I pursued (and paid for) for seven years. Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? I don't think so.

Hope you enjoyed this discussion of the book. Don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.

Unending Battle

a battle of wills -- a situation in which there are two competing people or groups, and both sides are equally determined to get what they want.

Warning: If you engage in the above with a 4-year-old, the experience could last a minimum of 14 years. Be prepared for bouts of screaming and foot stamping, a lack of comprehension despite numerous repetitions of the requirements, and generalized irritation. Strategic maneuvers required include banishment to the bedroom, loss of travel privileges and early retirement. If skirmish escalates, call for reinforcements.

Anxiety

On the surface it seemed like an ordinary day. Showered, dressed, ate breakfast. Baked pumpkin bread with J. Even let him convince me to do a craft before pre-school in the afternoon. Opened mail, emptied dishwasher, made spaghetti.

But as the rainy hours stretched on my heart raced, my mind scattered, and I thought I might erupt in tears. And I don't want to feel this way. It was as if the day were punctuated with mini-panic attacks.

Hormones are probably part of it. The upcoming be-all, end-all cycle is part of it. The cost of said cycle is part of it. The move to Los Angeles is part of it. The cost of the moving and living in Los Angeles is part of it.

All those parts are landing on my head and shattering it into a thousand pieces. Why can't I hold it together?

When DH finally arrived home (at a reasonable time, thank g-d), it all seemed more manageable. But when I am alone all day with my thoughts, it seems our lives are going to fall apart. I think what set me off today was some investigation into living in LA. With the devastating fires happening, it has been hard not to think about the move. We won't go until sometime next summer. But trying to find an apartment that:

1. Is a reasonable commute to UCLA
2. Is in a reasonably decent school zone for J (this is my biggest worry)
3. Will accept our smaller dog
4. Is not outrageously priced

--- well, seems impossible. How do I know where the decent public elementary schools are? How do I know what areas are safe? And to top it off, we have very few contacts out there and we live across the country. So even if the perfect opportunity crops up, we may lose out because we are not in LA. And if I return to some type of work (not vet practice, licensing is too complicated) then we would have some additional income which would broaden our options. But if the be-all, end-all cycle is successful (g-d please yes), then I might not be able to work.

This control freak isn't handling uncertainty very well.

Eight Things

The yoga-lishous Ms. Planner has tagged me, and thus I shall oblige. Be forewarned, any creative bones have officially left my body as of late. So read-on at your own risk.

Here are EIGHT things about me:

1. Like Ms. Planner, and her personal-tagger Von, I have never had a one night stand. And my mom does not read my blog, so I could tell you if I really had. In fact, I have only ever been with one man, my husband. Yes, that is right, shocking in this day and age. But don't you dare think I took an abstinence oath or adhere to any other sort of right-wing conservative ideals. Oh no, not this gal. I would have done all sorts of bad girl things, really ... if only there had been the opportunity. *sigh*

2. I like to tell all sorts of unromantic stories about my relationship with that one man. I truly love him dearly, but get at thrill out of shocking people with crass perspectives on our couplehood. Like ...
2a. I really wasn't so interested in him when we first met. We were at a party, and I only talked to him to get the answers for an upcoming physics quiz. My roommate had to point out to me that he was interested. (clueless I was)
2b. While living togehter, we realized he would get deported to Canada eventually so started talking seriously about marriage. The proposal came a few weeks later, wedding in 7 months. So I'm kinda his green card wife, although now he is a citizen and doesn't need me anymore.

3. I can not take a complement, at all. I never realized this about myself until a coworker at my college newspaper pointed it out. I think he was hitting on me, but that's beside the point. It is very true. To the point where I get almost rude. It is the worst when it comes from a man.

4. As a kid I liked reading the World Book Encyclopedia. Yes I am a (science) geek. My brother did it too. Mostly I read about animals and health and biology. We had these other editions, I think they were yearly updates on timely discoveries or something. I devoured them.

5. I hated disliked my first grade teacher and the feeling was mutual. This is not just neuroses on my part, it is confirmed from an encounter with her in my college years. Oh yes, she couched things in phrases like "spirited girl" but in fact, our animosity was well known. Yes, I was an opinionated 7-year-old.

6. I didn't take my first airplane ride until I was finished undergraduate college. With my future husband. He's taken me a lot of places.

7. I spent one year of specialty training in small animal transfusion medicine and blood banking. That's right, collecting blood from cats and dogs to give to patients in need. It was a great experience and a wonderful time while I was pregnant with J.

8. A month or so ago I "accidentally" got $9 worth of free gas. The attendant accidentally put someone's $9 on pump nine instead of pump 8. By the time I realized what was going on, I'd already finished out the $9. The other person got their $9 on pump 8. So ... I left. oops.

So now I nominate my first cheerleaders: Leah at My Dusty Ovaries and (the recently quiet) Sticky Bun. Both gals are gestating away and could use some distraction, no?

What might have been, I remember

Brief Hiatus

Thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post. Geohde summed it up best -- wistful.

My parents are here visiting for the week, so I'm not likely to post much or comment much. But I will be checking in on you all, especially those of you with big weeks ahead!

Later!

My Life Would Be Different If ...

my last pregnancy had been viable.

It occurred to me the other day, if my last positive had not wound up being a blighted ovum, then I would have a two-month-old little girl in my arms. It makes me sad, not just because she is not here, but because I am losing my ability to even imagine what it would be like. I forget a lot of my only pregnancy. The anxiety of those newborn-newmother days have erased many of the early memories. What would it be like to hold an infant, comfort her, nurse her? I think I am ready to enjoy it so much more the second time around.

Da na, Da na, Da Na ... *UPDATED*

DElurk you Lurkers! *



Okay, in reality I probably don't have too many lurkers. And most of you all are so kind to take the time to jot me a note. But if you haven't ... then comment! While I haven't mastered goog.le analytics enough to track you down, I might figure it out someday. Yeah, someday soon!

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programing ...

Tonight I am staring at our hodge-podge of furniture, trying to figure out how to put the living room back together in a way that will make it look big and spacious and homey for when we put the house on the market in the spring. We took out the 3 giant IKE.A bookshelves and are seriously considering not putting them back. Its just NOW what do we do with all the CRAP that was in them? I did actually get them pretty pared down, but ResidentBoy needs a place for all his 3 inch thick texts. Oh well, tackle that tomorrow.

Took my first BCP today. So far I'm feeling okay with the death of the DIY phase. I think I've just reverted to that classic IF state. You know where you just accept that this is a way of life -- you will have chronic dr's appointments, you will take lots of drugs, you will suffer tons of disappointments, etc. You will keep moving forward.

I indulged in a little retail therapy, despite the mounting credit card debit. Bought new bras, cause you know that is what we'd like to buy. Okay, maybe some of you like to buy them. But like I told niobe, they are not my favorite thing to shop for. But I had an extra 30% off coupon and this store actually had my proper size, so I picked up a white and tan bra. Nothing thrilling, sorry to disappoint (both you and ResidentBoy). I got a cute sweater and a zip-up yoga jacket. Just wish I could get into a yoga class (I would need a sitter, money, ya-da, ya-da).

So, since I found the de-lurk day event via niobe, who got it via Magpie, who I'm guessing got it from Ms. Schmutize herself -- I am going to follow niobe's lead and ask any lurkers a few questions:

• What is your fav holiday (my little J loves Halloween)?
• Are you glad its fall (I am, I love the crisp nights and mornings with sunny afternoons)?
• Like or hate pumpkin pie? (I hate pie, but love pumpkin bread, YUM!)

UPDATE -- okay, I KNOW I have 17 subscribers on Bloglines! So ... where are you guys?! So far I only have 4 comments! Are ya sleepin'? Cause that's the only acceptable excuse. Ahh, I'd do anything to be able to go back to sleep. Its so nice and cool, and the quilt is so comfy, and my pillow is so soft, and ... OH, sorry I got lost for a minute. Comments! please?

*if you didn't get it, the title Da nas were supposed to be like Jaws

We are locked in

I can see the horizon. If all goes according to plan, I will have completed my last attempt (for some time) at child number 2. I'm a little wigged out.

Had CD3 bloods repeated to check FSH/E2. Spoke with IVF nurse about my recent 40, yes that's right 40, day cycle. Okay, I know for some of you 40 days would be wonderful, but for me that is a new record. I've been on the DHEA for a month or so now, so we can get ready to cycle. Although I have to admit, hitting 3 times a day has not always been successful, but I always get 2 in. Anyway, we want to cycle with our doctor in December, but the clinic closes (for IVF) for the last 2 weeks in Dec. Therefore, if I have another prolonged cycle, we could get stuck waiting until the new year. No THANK YOU. So the nurse agreed we should do BCPs to insure I have a period by late Oct, so I can do BCPs again and microdose lupron to be ready to stim in late November and retrieve in early Dec. G-d I hate the scheduling crap.

I'm almost relieved to do the BCPs, because maybe they will help the migraines and reset my body. On the other hand, I'm worried that the migraines and other symptoms aren't from being screwed up from the massive amounts of meds during the last failed cycle. But in fact they mean that I am approaching POF and that 40 day cycle is just an omen of the things to come. And if that is true, than the IVF is doomed.

So, now the possibility of just getting pregnant on our own (before IVF) is officially gone.

Back in the Saddle, sort of

I've been wanting to write a clever, beautiful or thoughtful post like so many of my admired fellow bloggers. But let's face it ... I'm tired. I have a few little things in the works, but since its been so long since we've chatted I thought I'd just bring you up to speed on the latest happenings. Here goes:

Trip to Philly and Wedding ...
was a very nice trip. The wedding weekend was generally lots of fun. I felt pretty and got to drink lots of wine. Unfortunately so did ResidentBoy. He was awfully sloppy by nights end. But we had a great time catching up with old friends. The little one apparently did great with my sister and was fairly comical. We then spent a little time with our best friends who had twins this year (no ART, but we still love our friends), and they have a boy J's age. We loved visiting with them, but it wasn't long enough. We miss them lots. We spent a little time with my parents and even squeezed in an afternoon of kayaking at the local lake on a beautiful fall day.

Housework ...
is ongoing but getting close to done. We came back from our trip a day early so DH could help me move furniture out of our living room for painting. I have finished the living room, a lovey tan/putty color. Some touch ups on the trim I did last year still to finish, and I'm wrapping up the touch ups from the massive plumbing job done last month. Got to get all this done by next week as my parents are coming for a visit before snow season.

Child ...
finished all his evaluations to get into school district program so we can hopefully get free speech therapy. We have our meeting for the potential IEP on Oct 11th. Meantime, we started private speech therapy under our insurance. But we only get 20 visits covered and need to pay a $20 copay for each visit. I don't think we will have a problem getting services, but there are lots of hoops to jump through. When not having his IQ tested, he is enjoying school tons, and has become fast friends with the neighbor's little girl. They cry everyday because we tell them they can't have a playdate EVERYDAY after school.

Cycle ...
well, its CD1. Not much else to say. Except last cycle was insanely long, like 40 days long. This is not normal for me. And I have still battled this weird ocular migraine nonsense throughout. I'm wondering if I have cysts after all the huge amounts of drugs in July. I'm finally in town for CD3 bloods this cycle, so I'll have those done and talk with the nurse about what to do. If my cycles are going to stay this long, I might need to go on BCPs now in order to insure we can do our very last IVF in late Nov. I'm not sure how I feel about trying again. I think I have to. Ah, this is a topic for an entire post another day.

Odd n Ends ...
I got my "Common Thread" bracelet! Thanks dMarie! I added some lovely beads that look like pomegrante seeds and a clasp from the craft store. If you want one, just check out dMarie's site to learn about how to get one. I've also started reading "Happiness Sold Separately" by Lolly Winston for the next Barren Bitches Book Brigade. Wanna sign up? Check out the tour, you have until Oct 24th to sign up.

Some of my blogger friends are suffering through tough times. There have been some terrible losses lately, anniversaries of old hurts, sad news and even a betrayal. So just know ladies, that I am thinking of you all during these rough days and I am here to hold your hands, as you have done for me.

Jewish Holidays -- Feast or Fast

Okay, this is TOTALLY cheating. But my SIL sent me this email tonight, and I found it terribly amusing. And as it seems I am discovering more and more of you seem to be Jewish, or part Jewish, or at least know some Jews ... so I figured you might enjoy it as much as I did.

Disclaimer: I am not Jewish, only married to one. Therefore I can not attest to the accuracy of ANY of these holidays! Sorry, its a little long too.
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As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, sadly there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Centre for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again


There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.


You know you grew up Jewish when:

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.


You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man, -witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt and -baum).

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.


You have at least six male relatives named David.


LA SHANA TOVA