Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Fading ... *Updated*

My hope is fading. I know, I know -- its early. Sort of. But not so much. Today is 10dp3dt, or 13 dpo. Unless one of these guys is a SUPER late implanter, I think I'm probably out of this game. Dollar store test NEG this morning.

I know all the things you are going to say (its too early, dollar store tests suck, its okay that you don't have symptoms, its too early). And I love you for it. And yesterday your comments buoyed me up. But today I'm having trouble believing. I feel like Virginia who has given up on Santa Claus.

I have one FRER test left. I'm saving it for Thursday (I think). Beta is scheduled for Friday. I'm planning on leaving town on Saturday. I considered staying an extra day to cry in my coffee and be with DH, but it turns out he is on-call anyway and will likely be stuck in surgery much of the day. So why bother, I may as well drive 7 hours to my parents. But I feel bad that we will be grieving separately. I think he really had a lot of hope pinned on this one, and he actually showed it this time. It breaks my heart I can't seem to give this to him.

So many thoughts are going through my head about my life. Was it a mistake to give up my career and stay home? Was it a mistake to bankrupt us in pursuing this? Do I even know who I am anymore? What are we going to do from here? When did I get so old?

Anyway, I'll let you know if I suddenly turn into the miracle story. I know, it could happen. I'm just not counting on it.

UPDATE
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I was so touched by your careful and thoughtful comments. Ones that showed you understand exactly where I am. And you all knew just the right things to say. And that is the best type of medicine. Perhaps it might even shove open the door a bit, and allow a tiny glimmer of hope in. Maybe. I'm so glad I'm not going through this alone -- you mean a lot to me.

12 comments:

Delenn said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. All my thoughts are with you and your husband. Many of your thoughts are ones I have had. I hope that things turn around, but if they don't I hope you and your husband take some time for yourselves and heal.

DD said...

I'm sure that your husband will not look at a negative and think that you were unable to give him something. I also know it really feels that way to us, the women b/c we carry 99% of the burden during any given cycle.

Never doubt the decisions you made to get to this point. No matter the outcome, you can always say you did everything you could and that's ultimately better than giving up before even trying.

Waiting Amy said...

Oh DD, I know you are right about my husband. He really doesn't look at it that way. He always says that no matter what happens we will be alright and find a way to be happy. I think that just makes me sadder that he is so supportive. And I just want this so badly for both of us.

Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement!

Lori said...

Sitting and waiting with you, Amy. Just you, me, and a bunch of pee sticks...

Don't fall into that hindsight trap, my friend.

Magpie said...

I'm still hoping for your miracle - and thinking of you.

Becks said...

Don't worry about the past, its all about the future and giving yourself the best possible chance of getting what you want.

If this doesn't work out, it's not you that has failed, please remember that.

chicklet said...

Aww, my friend, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I won't say any of those things about holding out hope, cuz it's just too hard, I know. If you turn into a miracle story, this hope in the next few days wouuldn't have made a difference anyway so do whatever you need to to get through it. And the rest of the life stuff, all I can say is I've made a lot of decisions in my life I'd consider wrong and a lot I'd consider right - both of which I've learned from. Don't regret anything, right or wrong, cuz you learn stuff about yourself from it:-)

niobe said...

This whole thing is so hard and the doubt can spill over to almost every aspect of your life. I'm going to hang onto a little hope for you, if that's okay.

Ms. Planner said...

That's a lot of heavy stuff going through your brain right now. I feel for you my friend. The conclusion of any chapter is always tough to reckon with. While it is much easier said than done, I wish you the strength to kick the hindsight and regret to the curb. You did everything you could have done. And just trying is brave enough in my view.

Carrie said...

I'm thinking of you, hope you're bearing up. It is such a difficult time. Please don't be so hard on yourself xx

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry. You don't have to have hope if you don't want to. I am never big on hoping. Sometimes, you just know. Although, sometimes what you know is wrong. But do what's best for you. Hang in there. I know how you feel.

Tam said...

I am hoping that you turn into that miracle story sweetie, thinking of you.

Love and hugs xxx