Thursday, December 27, 2007

Not So Doublicious

Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.

Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.

I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)

So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.

20 comments:

Lori said...

Oh, Amy. I wish I were with you to just hold you and be with you.

I'm sorry you are going through this wait.

Shelby said...

So sorry your beta isn't doubling. I am sending lots of hugs, and hope that the next few days go by quickly for you. Hoping it was a lab issue!

My Reality said...

Is it possible that there could be a vanishing twin in there? It could still mean that one is doing great. I know that doesn't make it better, but it doesn't mean all hope is lost.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

DD said...

Nonononono...I just don't want to see this happen to you. I'm thinking the same lines as My Reality while at the same time having all kinds of positive vibes and all the jazz directed at you, OK?

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Positive thoughts coming your way for your next beta...I really hope things go your way.

Magpie said...

Oh hon - I'm sorry for the angst - I hope that there's lab calibration issues - and I hope that the u/s is good. Safe travels.

chicklet said...

OMG my friend, I am so so sorry that you even have to wonder about any of this. I'm hoping good things but won't say if it'll be good or bad cuz who the f* knows right? Either way, it sucks to have to go through it but we're here with you, hoping for you.

Leah said...

Well, shit. Why the hell can't ANYTHING be easy? I will continue to be wildly optimistic, because I know you probably can't. I will pray with all of my might that your fears are eased with the next blood draw results, and with Saturday's u/s. Please, oh please, oh please let this work out for you.

Kathy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Amy! I am so sorry you are going through this. (((HUGS)))

Geohde said...

Amy,

I am sorry that you are stuck in one of the hardest waits of all right now.

xx

J

Aurelia said...

I'm with Reality, or even the RE. I have to say that different labs definitely do use different calibrations, so don't write anything off yet.

My RE for example, only uses out-of-town labs if he has compared their methods to his so he knows what the different values mean.

Take care, and hold on.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I am catching up here with your latest over the past week. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough go...and hoping that the numbers pick up the pace. Thinking of you.

niobe said...

Oh no. Well, there are certainly scenarios under which everything is fine, but I completely understand your lack of optimism. I'm so sorry that you're back to waiting. It's excruciating.

maryellenandsteve said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this Amy. I really don't think that all hope is lost yet. Hang in there Sweetie. XO

Rachel said...

I am so sorry. I am holding my breath for you.

Sticky Bun said...

Ugh. Amy, I'm so sorry the beta didn't come back perfect. I'll still hold out hope for the lab error as well, but mostly will be thinking of you until you get some more answers.

Carrie said...

As if this wasn't difficult enough. I am so so sorry you are being put through this. I kind of slipped out of your story, too wallowing in my own and then I come back and find this and I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry about that too. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel a little more at peace but I know that won't happen. Just know I am thinking of you and still hoping this is just some awful stress that can resolve itself. I truly hope it does. No one should have to go through this.

CAM said...

Oh crap. I have been on this beta roller coaster many times and it just plain sucks. The only thing that I can say is that I am sorry you are having to go through this. Wait for the next beta and try not to get your body too upset - as tough as that is. We are all here for you no matter what.

Jen said...

I'm sorry for the crappy news.

I will still hold out hope...

Thinking of you.

Jen

katedaphne said...

There are all kinds of explanations that point to a positive outcome, but I know how hard it is to see them. I hope that your beta and scan today show happy news. Either way, know you are being thought of, and take care.