Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.
Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.
I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)
So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.