Tuesday, December 11, 2007

In the Beginning ...

there was anxiety. I don't know why. In previous treatment cycles the first week wasn't so hard. I know its too early to test or feel any different. Yet there are moments where I just feel my heart race and my mind race and there is no peace.

Dr. Mumbles called today, no embryos made it to freezing. We knew this was likely to be the case. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I had a little secret hope that just maybe ...

It doesn't help that the weather here is rotten. Not as cold, but gray, gray, gray. And now bitter cold rain. This time of year I almost wish I was working. Then I'd probably be in a building with few windows, lots of bright fluorescent lights and activity. It harder to get SAD in that environment.

I'm trying to stay busy, but so many of my holiday chores are unappealing. And much of it is baking to take to my family for Christmas, so its too early to start much of it. My shopping is done. I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on the internets. And counting the days until maybe I can test.

This was our last try. For at least one and a half years, at which point I'm not likely to do very well. I'm so much more hopeful than other treatment cycles, since things mostly went well. But worry is creeping in. How will I handle it if this fails? I will know literally a day or two before I leave to celebrate the holidays with my parents -- and without my husband. Can I handle that if the result is negative?

I think today I'm stuck on the negatives. Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.

7 comments:

chicklet said...

I'm not on my last try for awhile so I'm not totally where you're at, but I am counting the days, but also dreading the days. I kinda dont' wanna test - I don't want this to end, I don't want to deal with this failing, I don't want to know... Ya know? And it's just so hard, the up and down of hope then none then hope then despair... Ugh, hang in there.

DD said...

I know how that "last one" feels and it can take over your life. I also went through several "lasts", too, and each one was painful. I will hope that you won't have to gray the line and prepare for another last and that this one will come out exactly as you dream.

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry that none of the embies made it to freeze- hopefully the good ones made it in, and are making themselves at home as I type!! Good luck, and hang in!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Hang in there Sweetie. I have a lot of hope for you.

Be Inspired Always said...

Hang in there.



I'm new to your blog. Please feel welcomed to come n visit mine.


Jillian

My Reality said...

I am sorry your embryos didn't make it to freeze.

I love the new look.

Lori said...

Oh, Amy...

{{{{{hugs}}}}}