Friday, December 7, 2007

Deep Breathing -- warning, long post

So I am trying really hard to settle down and lower by blood pressure and just chill before the big transfer day tomorrow morning. Somehow the cosmos came together tonight to make me crazy.

First, I HURT. I know I had more than 7 decent size follicles, so I'm sure they hit me with that big ole needles more than 7 times. And today I'm really feelin' it. Especially on the left side. It just really aches and I get stabbing pains when I get up and down from sitting. I also have gassy, bloaty feelings like my insides are generally not happy. To top it off, out of tyle.nol.

Second, The Snake comes out of school looking miserable. It seems the brief, yet deep and rattling, cough he had yesterday has become full on illness. We tried to hit the library and he keep asking to sit down -- totally NOT normal. Then we progressed further downhill with crankiness until bedtime.

Third, my DH has my valium script and still hasn't filled it yet. He wants to drop it off on the way home from the hospital tonight and pick it up in the morning before our appointment (uh, NO). Oh, and did I mention that he is still not home yet?

Last, I think it was a strange conversation with my sister that really set me off. She called to ask a holiday gift question. She asked how I am, so I said good, really good. She asks if it is close the the big day. So, of course I inform her that the day has come and gone and went very well. Just waiting for more big news tomorrow.

Talking with her about my IF is so hard. She never says those awful, insensitive things that some of you have been subjected to, but yet she doesn't really say anything. I think that is the tough thing. I have no idea her perspective. She has become a very faithful Catholic, and into new-agey books like The Secret and ones about positive thinking. And often my cynical, clinical, scientific perspective puts us at odds. But she is my only sister. And she had no idea what was going on with me at one of the most momentous times in my life.

The irony is that in my 20s I had considered whether I would be willing to be an egg donor or surrogate for her. I know Square Peg recently wrote about a similar event in her life (Mel mentioned it in the Friday Round-up). Growing up, I was the one with the buxom figure, the child-bearing hips. My sister was thin, waif-like and much older than me. I always figured I would be the fertile one. She also was a strong, independent young woman -- a role model I was proud to have. But she had poor luck in love and it looked like she'd be starting her dream of children later in life. When I saw IF stories in the media, I would often think of her and ponder donation. I definitely believed that I would want to make that gift to her. The even greater irony is that she found herself pregnant immediately after marriage, and her second child followed less than 2 years later. Turns out, she was the fertile one.

And now, I feel so little support from her. In my deepest moments of sadness, she was certainly there and kind. But she shows no interest in that aspect of my life. Whenever we talk about it, she is often quiet, verging on silent. I don't know if she has religious opposition to IVF. If she thinks our differing perspectives makes the conversation too difficult. If it is a reflection of her desire for more children (her hubby said no-go to more).

At this time of holidays and family and joy, it makes me sad we are not really connected. I think this is one reason I've been so desperate to give J a sibling. Hoping he will have that connection that I don't seem to have with any of my 5 siblings.

Sorry for such a downer post. I feel better having shared. I'm going to eat brownies and watch crappy TV and chill until tomorrow. I have not heard anything since the fertilization report, so I'm hoping all is good for the morning! Looking forward to that valium!


Lori said...

I'm inviting myself over. Who could resist brownies and valium?

I'm sorry you've had a rough day. Hope the Rx delivery-man has made it home by now :).

Becks said...

We are long lost long twins....this cycle is the first one I haven't told my family much about. For me though I just needed to try to keep the stress down and I find letting lots of people every little detail is taxing.

Hope you enjoyed the relaxing day, looking forward to hearing about transfer x

Rebecca said...

I had a similar experience with my sister when we were younger...she is diagnosed with lupus and I always told her that I would have her babies for her...people like us just do that. Does she read this blog? That helped my sister a's helped me more, but maybe that could open up some lines of communication...good luck with the transfer...I'll be checking back.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm sorry yesterday was so rough. And I can definitely understand how hard it must be to have your sister be...well, mute on the issue of your fertility struggles. I definitely have one or two people who have been like that and it definitely doesn't help. (Not that I want them to bring it up if I'm not in the mood, but I definitely don't want radio silence if I say something. I guess it's a delicate balance.) And that it's part of a larger issue of connection with your siblings I'm sure makes it that much more complicated.

Anyhow...I hope transfer goes well today and that you have some lovely embryos waiting for you!

thinking of you!

chicklet said...

I'm with Lori - valium and brownies? That's way better than the silly nachos I treated myself to last night:-)

On the sister, mine's good to me on this thankfully but I have a lot of friends (close friends) I just don't talk to about it anymore because they get all silent and it makes me feel judged and I just don't need that. It sucks to weed people out of the inner circle, especially family.

Good luck today.

Portia P said...

I could definitely go for those brownies with some valium - chuck in some vanilla ice cream and i'm on my way!

I'm sorry about your sister.

Good luck tomorrow x