Wishing a Happier New Year to ALL

I started this year with a D&C for blighted ovum. I'm ending the year pregnant. But I still worry that next year will start the same. Despite the fact that everything seems to be going fine.

My u/s this morning showed one definite gestational sac in my uterus, and maybe a little something else. Dr. Mumbles would not elaborate any further, and I decided not to ask. I certainly don't thing he anticipates twins in our future. When I pushed him to comment on my progress, he said things looked alright, but we were NOT out of the woods yet. I can't tell if he is just being cautious with my feelings, or whether he is concerned about my slightly slow progress. Today I am 5w5d (or 5w6d depending if you include ER day) -- and we were just finally able to see the sac. It wasn't clear to me if he could see the yolk sac, and the gestational sac looked a little small to me, but he said it was fine. It turns out my beta today was 4100, which doubled in 48hrs from 1950 on Saturday. So this is good, since things can slow down after you reach 2000.

So basically, everything looks fine. My numbers fall in the acceptable ranges, we saw the sac easily once we were over 2000. Yet I just can't get excited, not yet. I do have moments -- I'll think about "when the baby comes," but then I smack myself and yell "FOOL!" I hate that I've become this. I want the next 1-2 weeks to speed by. I want to see that heartbeat. I want to breathe and be relieved. But I worry that I'll find something else to worry about.

At the close of this year, I want to say thank you. To everyone who has welcomed and supported me these last months. I didn't expect that blogging would become such an essential part of my day (it has in fact been a bit addictive). I certainly didn't expect to find so many amazing women who I admire and respect and feel that I've come to know. I hope to meet some of you in the future, and I look forward to having you along with me for this journey. No matter how long it lasts.

Maybe

I feel like a tease. My beta today was deemed "acceptable." It was 1950, and based on the original 100 at 15 dpo the RE says it should be about 2000 today, 24 dpo. So maybe I'm still in the game. I'm having trouble believing it, which certainly is driving the DH bonkers.

Dr. Mumbles isn't really sure why that number from PA was so out of whack, but he says things look okay. However, during the u/s he could not be certain he saw the gestational sac. This naturally worries me too. I'm 5w4d, so we are right on the cusp of seeing it and the fetal pole. He says its still early. But I'm sensing he was a little disappointed not to see it, especially after the beta was so close to 2000. At the beginning of the u/s we all thought there was possibly something maybe 1-2 mm in the uterus. But when he went back later, he couldn't seem to find it again. So, its back again on Monday for another u/s and probably beta.

I'm trying to believe this will work out. I have had 4-5 nasty pimples breakout in the last 48hrs. And my boobs are finally a bit swollen and tender, although the severity varies through the day. That is SO different from my pregnancy with The Snake. Then my bo.obs got big and hard (oh g-d, who will goog.le bring for that one?) and stayed that way. I know every time is different etc. But its hard not to compare.

Alright, my mission is to NOT obsess. Think I'll succeed? ha, ha, ha, ha

Not So Doublicious

Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.

Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.

I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)

So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.

Double Time

Got the call -- second beta 260. Doubling time about 35 hours. RE seemed happy. Still rechecking on Wed 25th, just in order to schedule u/s, which will probably be next Saturday.

I am so relieved. I can't believe this might actually happen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone -- especially those who told me to keep the faith and hang in there when I was silly crazy. You all have been most wonderful.

And I'm thinking of all my cyclesistas. I wish we were all in the same boat. Hang in there ladies. A new year is on the way.

More later, but I've got to run. The Snake is getting into trouble after 7 hours in a car. Oh, we arrive safely in PA!

Beta In

The nurse just called -- beta is 101. They like to see it over 100, but I am a day earlier than originally planned. But, they are already planning for the third beta, anticipating that Saturday's might be so-so. I can't blame them, last year I had the blighted ovum with slowly rising betas. They also want to be sure it is not ectopic or anything -- but somehow I feel pretty certain that's not going to be an issue.

I still have virtually no symptoms, just some mild cramping the last 2 days, and some evening fatigue. Maybe a little bit increased boobs this am, but mild to say the least. It's freaking me out a little.

Now I'm having anxiety as to whether I should head to Pennsylvania on Saturday. I'll probably get my results while I'm driving there, which might be a bad thing. If the numbers aren't good, then I have to have a blood draw on Wednesday, which I can do in PA and have faxed to them. But, of course, it will probably cost me out of pocket. So I don't know if this holiday is going to be much fun. I'm really worried that if the numbers don't double, I'll be alone without DH. But I have to go, The Snake is SO looking forward to Christmas at his grandmother's house. I could delay a day and leave Sunday, but I hate letting IF run my life again. I'll have to think about it. What would you do?

I know its early, and everything may just turn out fine. And I want that more than anything. So I'm petrified that I'm just not going to get it.