Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Humpf.

Wow. Haven't posted here in over a year. It's likely I'm not in anyone's reader any more.

A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?

My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.

Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.

But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.

But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?

I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.

20 comments:

G$ said...

Ugh, I am so sorry.

Lavender Luz said...

You're still in my reader :-)

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent news.

Abiding with you as you grieve and move forward.

bleu said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry. I know so well how deeply painful it is to get past that heartbeat where everything is deemed great only to go back for usual stuff they want to discuss only to find it all moot and be devastated on so many levels. The loss, the anger at the hope you had, the anger at feeling like maybe your body was making things up to you for all you had been through and then the devastation even more so all over again.

Sending so much love your way. Hold those babies and love on em and let them love on you to get you through. Bliss is what got me through for sure.

Melis.sa said...

I'm so sorry.

K said...

So so sorry.

LFCA

Amanda said...

I am so sorry. So very sorry. (((hugs)))

Delenn said...

So sorry to hear this, Amy.

tubelessstl said...

tears rain down. So sorry

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Jen said...

I am so sorry, life is never free of cruel twists of fate is it. My heart hurts for you and i hope your body lets you move on quickly.

Katie said...

I am so very sorry.

tickintime said...

I'm so sorry...



LFCA

Portia P said...

You're still in my reader too!

I'm so sorry. That's the thing with IF it stays with us and there are endless ways in which it can inflict pain.

I hope your little ones are some comfort to you.

x

Jo said...

No words, just (((((hugs))))).

Jo

Kathy said...

You are still in my reader too! I am so sorry to hear this. Hang in there. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

The warrior in me said...

Hey :)

Just happened to land on your blog. Sorry to read about what you had to go through. Don't lose heart- your prayers are never going to go unanswered. Keep the faith.

I won't blame you if you feel like smacking me and telling me i have no idea what i'm talking. I'll pray for you. Take care.

Don't lose your vision- it'll come true before you know it.

Artblog said...

really sorry too, that sucks! HUGS and hope you feel better soon :( xxx

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