Sunday, July 8, 2007

At Risk Behavior

Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem engaging in life. Am I just an expert at avoidance? Do I not know how to be part of meaningful relationships? Why do I feel so disconnected from life?

I have had brief hopes that this IUI will work. But then I squash them. I know I am afraid to leave the familiarity of IF treatments. I think this is why I was so happy with my last conversation with Dr Mumbles. Not (just) because other treatment options might get me pregnant, but because it means there will be no substantial change in my life.

Since leaving Pennsylvania (my home state) 4 years ago, I have withdrawn from life. I have left behind my family, friends, the only colleagues I have known. And then I hid myself in raising our newborn son. When it came time to consider returning to veterinary practice, I balked. Citing problems with work hours and availability of childcare and DH's crazy schedule ... I avoided it. I was afraid. Afraid to meet new people. Afraid of responsibility. Afraid of failure.

I feel disconnected. From my life. From DH. From my family. From my son.

I want to blame what has happened to me. I want to blame my need for another child. I want to blame DH's career. I want to blame everyone and everything. But I know the responsibility is mine. The only change can come from me.

I'm searching for the next step in my life, and trying not to make it just success over IF. I want to find my path, my meaning. I want hope in my life ... for all my life and its joys. I think its time to put myself at risk. At risk for failure, disappointment ... and happiness.


wanttobeamom said...

Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. I'm sure it was a bit scary to write these thoughts down and share them with the blogverse. I hope you are able to risk and find a way to connect with your life. And, I hope this IUI sticks and you don't even need to do another go at IVF!

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel about so much of this.

I am hoping the IUI will be successful. I know how frustrating it is to have an IVF cycle cancelled.

Portia P said...

Thanks for keeping up with me.

I'm sorry this cycle got converted, but I do hope the IUI works and you don't need to go IVF again.


LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Finding meaning in life is one of our most challenging tasks. Your state sounds very similar to my experience with depression. I am new to your blog so I am not sure if you have mentioned this already, but any thoughts about finding a great therapist?

Hang in there!

Sticky Bun said...

This is a great post. Thanks so much for your honesty. I know what you mean, though--since I've moved here from DC it's been so hard for similar reasons. And IF does not help.

I do hope this IUI was successful, though. And that you're able to find a way to connect with your life.

Hang in there. Thinking of you...

Dianne/Flutter said...

I came to you by way of Mel. This is truly a beautiful post and it speaks volumes to me. Thank you for putting it out here.

And I am so sorry that it was BFN.

Jenna said...

How hard this must be on you. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many difficult days.
I know how it feels to want to feel like you've lost so much in this process. I wish you the very best.
It's so hard to be looking at what feels like the 'last' cycle.

Kami said...

What a beautiful post. I can relate to hiding away and staying "safe" by not moving on. It takes courage to look at your life and decide to take the steps that will re-engage you. Good luck on your journey

Geohde said...

What a wonderfully honest post (I found this via Stirrup-Queens).



Chili said...

Wonderful post. I'm sorry things aren't going as planned for you, but I'm glad you are open to finding a new plan.

KarenO said...

"I think its time to put myself at risk. At risk for failure, disappointment ... and happiness." Can I borrow this from you? I need to print it out and read it every single day! Thanks so much for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings - I needed it today!