Monday, July 9, 2007

I'm okay, You're okay

Thanks for the positive comments yesterday. Sorry if things sounded too dire. I'm actually not doing too badly. I think I was really reflecting on a lot of the emotions I've been feeling over this journey, and wanted to get them out on paper (screen?). Plus this head cold has been kicking my ass and my ear is full of fluid, again.

Not that all those things I wrote aren't true or real. I think I've just come to accept them at this point. I want to change how I approach things, but it will need to be little steps at a time. There is already enough uncertainty in my life.

So my big goal tonight was to add a picture to my blogger profile that would also show in the About Me section. Sorry, not a pic of me but of some flowers. I loaded them up to Picasa and pasted the link in but it keeps telling me error in URL. I made the image small (under 50Kb) and even used the help section and only pasted the recommended part of the link. But it still won't work. I'm annoyed! I am computer capable damn it!

I survived this past weekend with the In Laws. My MIL was a big help in keeping J occupied. I just wish they wouldn't try to do so much. Ever since DH and I were dating, I can't understand why his family tries to pack something into every minute possible. Come on, his folks are officially at the geriatric stage! Anyway its too hard to explain, and I'm realizing I'm not nearly as clever and witty as so many of you out there.

Well, DH is actually coming home tonight. He got his butt kicked this weekend while he was on-call. And it sounds like today wasn't much better. Meanwhile I had a crappy day with J -- he had some asthma today, secondary to the cold, and the meds make him wacky. He was driving me up a wall and it was sweltering hot here (no air conditioning in our house). So I'd love to dump all over him about my 12 hours with the crazy child, but I'll have to hold back to be supportive of his struggles.

Let me just say, I LOVE DH! And he treats me like a queen (when he is around). But I am tired of things being this way. Waiting for scraps. I think that's why we feel disconnected from each other. I'm fried from managing J for 10-12 hr days, and then he comes home from his 12-14 hr days and I just want to dump J on him so I can get a break. They go off for one-on-one time (which is important). But then once J is in bed, DH is either exhausted or has reading to do for the next day. I know his residency is a bitch (it is a 5 year surgical program). And he can't really complain or whine to his colleagues since there is still a lot of "suck it up" and old boys mentality in his field. So he needs to do it with me. But I'm a little tired of the supportive role. He tries to be supportive of the whole IF thing for me. But he just doesn't get it, nor does he have the energy to really try. I know if he wasn't overworked we would deal with it more as a team. But right now he is SO immersed in his training that we can only manage our life by divide and conquer. He works and I deal with everything else -- J, the house, bills, IF, all of it.

Sorry I'm done now. It will get better and we only have one more year to go. I can't wait. Oh did I mention that at the end of that year we will move to Los Angeles? Yes, one of the most expensive cities in the country, and completely across the country from my elderly parents and my family. Sorry, now I'm really done.


Bean said...

Hi Amy, thanks for stopping by and for the kind words on my blog. I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time yourself right now. I can't imagine how tough it would be to deal with the schedule you all have right now. I know it doesn't really help, but still "hang in there". One funny thing is reading about your in-laws trying to pack in too much stuff. I have the opposite feeling about mine, particularly my MIL. She'd be happy if we all stayed at the house for 4 straight days and didn't do anything. It really drives me nuts! :)

Leah said...

Wow, that's a lot of crap on your plate. Don't apologize for one second! Aside from the fact that's it's all legit, (wait, are you singing an MC Hammer song right now? or have I just dated myself seriously and I'm a geezer as well as a raging dork?) it's how you feel so it is worth divulging.

I sound like some weird, stalker, single-white-female freakshow when I keep drawing parallels between our stories. I don't mean to do that, it just gets me all giddy when I find someone who seems to be in a similar boat (which often feels like it's drifted up shit's creek without a paddle). Anyway, once again, I feel your pain. My husband's job isn't even *really* stressful like your hubby's residency. But it affects my DH nonetheless and he's a giant ball of freakout-ed-ness. When he gets home, I need a break from Megan and/or she's desperate to get his attention, but he's tuned out. Or tapped out. Or whatever. He's just not *present*. It makes me crazy. But I still wouldn't trade him for the world.

Good luck uploading your pretty flower picture. Picasa rocks, sorry Blogger is being such a butthead.