Monday, July 2, 2007

Maybe, maybe not ... looking like NOT *UPDATED*

FU*K, FU*K, FU*K.

Things were looking up Sunday. Six follicles, not bad size. Dr K backed down my meds a little. Now today my E2 DROPPED, and no real growth. I'm so tired of my body failing me. I want to cry so bad. But J is watching TV and will freak if I lose it. He actually asked today when I'd have a baby in my belly (we've been talking a lot about animals and their babies lately). I was hoping that was a good omen, you know, him being interested. Maybe G-d, or whoever, would be listening. FU*K.

They said that if we can't get to trigger by stim day 14 that I'm toast. The likelihood of pregnancy is really low. To top it off I'll probably have to buy another grand worth of drugs, and could still get canceled. FU*K.

And it screws up all my plans for childcare for transfer (if we even get there). I'll have to either scramble having friends take him, or put up with having my FIL here all week waiting for ET. I don't think I can take that added stress (he's not my fav). FU*K.

Despite all my talk last post about being willing to go with DE, I'M NOT READY. I'm NOT ready. This sucks. FU*K.

That bitch hope just crept in to tease me and than ran off with some other woman's ovaries instead. And she left mine sore, but possibly unlikely to even produce an egg. Bitch. FU*K.

Waiting for DH to come home (which could be 4-6 hrs!) so I can blubber properly as this day requires. FU*K.
____________________________________________________________________

Nothing really new to report, but DH came home and took J to the park, so had a few minutes to vent. I'm not sure if I really want to get to retrieval. The way things have gone, it seems fairly unlikely to have a positive outcome. Maybe we should just cut our losses (financially) and move on. It is so unfair.

Even my favorite nurse had me peeved at her:
Nurse: Well, your body is just not responding to the meds.
My brain: DUH! What would you like me to do, have a stern talk with my pituitary and ovaries? Hello ovaries, could you please get your asses in gear and join the team effort?

My brain asks: So do you think we will make it for retrieval by Friday?
Nurse: *scoff* Um, I don't think you will be ready by Friday. We can do retrieval on the weekend ... if we need to.
My brain hears: What planet is this chick on? Doesn't she realize she's never getting to retrieval?

Nurse: Ok, Dr Slick is really booked tomorrow, but I squeezed your US in at 8:15.
My brain hears: Dr Slick is busy with real patients tomorrow, you know ones who's ovaries actually work. But we don't want to cancel your cycle since it will finance his summer vacaction house, so we'll give you a cursory wanding when it suits us. Oh, and then maybe we'll cancel you anyway.


Ok, DH back. Time to get ready for the blubbering session. More tomorrow about how IF is sucking us dry of money and happiness.

6 comments:

Bean said...

UGh -- thanks for leaving a nice post on my blog. Especially when you're going through some bad times yourself. I'm soooo sorry. I'm thinking of you too.

Leah said...

F*CK is right. This really sucks. I was cheering your follicles on like crazy, damn them for trying to bow out of the game. Hopefully the higher dose of meds again will do the trick.

I am with you 100% on the DE thing. I keep saying I'm okay with it, but it's proving to be a much harder decision to make. I spent my entire lunch hour today doing a complicated spreadsheet with the various options for DE cycles (no lie that there are 14 different options at my clinic -- aaack!). Then I called to verify exactly how much it would be to do one last IVF cycle (plus meds) with my crappy eggs (the answer is $14,943).

I hate the idea of giving up on my own eggs, but I just don't know if it's worth potentially pissing away $15K to just turn around and spend another $30 - 50K afterward on DE cycles.

On the subject of dropping E2 and remiss follies, I had that happen with our 1st IVF cycle. I was over-supressed by the Lupron. Once we changed protocols (in attempt #2 and #3), I got much better response. I know you don't want to have to go through this again, but don't give up on your ovaries just yet. There are lots more things that can probably be done to coax them into giving up some eggs!

Amy said...

Thanks Leah, but I'm not on a suppression protocol. Even suckier huh? I'm not sure there will really be any other protocol options, as I'm think I'm maxing out on doses already.

Sticky Bun said...

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. It sounds like we're having similar cycles so far...I so hope your follies keep growing and that this cycle isn't toast! Come on, guys!!!

And, I hear you on DE, too. I just so hope it doesn't come to having to make that decision. I hope that this cycle turns around for you and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Hang in there...thinking of you!

Aurelia said...

Hey, since you are having low response and thinking about DE, consider IVM as well. I have an article link on my blog about it, and there was a presentation on it just done at the infertility conference in Lyon. Some people do it with no drugs, others with drugs and just retrieve a bunch of immature eggs early no trigger and culture them in a dish to maturity. THEN do ICSI or add sperm later.

For women whose eggs don't respond well...it can be God send.

I'm currently trying DHEA to improve my egg quality. Don't know if it will work, but I'll let you know what happens!

Portia P said...

It's not over yet. Even if you can push out enough to get 2 embryos returned that's all you need!

My doc goes with a slow steady approach. It might just take you longer to get there. You've still got a few days in hand. Don't rule it out yet!

Thinking of you and cheering those follies on - you can do it. Keep going xx