Friday, July 13, 2007

Blue, Pink, who knows?

Yesterday we went blueberry picking, and it was a beautiful day. Clear, sunny and NOT hot. Okay, before you start to think we are berry picking freaks, you need to understand that my kid eats produce like its the only thing his body can digest. Ok, that and candy. Anyway, being broke and needing lots of fresh produce equals seizing any opportunity for cheap goods. And these were pretty reasonable, and yummy.

Today, I POAS. This was stupid, incredibly stupid. I am only 7dp IUI, 9dp trigger. My rational self knows that this was an endeavor in fruitlessness. But my irrational self was in desperate need of action, even irrelevant action. So, it was negative. Obviously, all this tells me is the trigger is gone. And I have no more HTP (it was an old one hanging around the linen closet, it was taunting me ... pee on me, you know you want to). I almost bought more today, but frankly couldn't decide which was more cost efficient -- the 2 pack of cheap tests that might not be definitive for several days, OR the single 5-day-early test, which still could be a false negative for many days. Basically the scientist in me said ''BUTTHEAD, why are you (literally) pissing money away on tests that will just drive you crazy and not tell you anything for sure?" So I didn't buy any. But I want one. One with 2 pink lines, or a plus sign or whatever.

I mostly arrived at this insanity because my body is toying with me. I intermmitently have mild sore boobs, maybe a nauseous moment. But this has happened to me before in other stim cycles, but never wound up with a pregnancy. I don't know if it is the hormonal roller coaster that makes my body torment me this way, but it is cruel. I'd like to think things are a little different this time. Maybe my boobs are a little more sore, maybe they feel bigger. But I just think this will end, and then I'll be certain this cycle failed, HPT or no HPT. To top it off, tonight I've had more twinges, cramp-like but not quite. WTF does that mean?! Implantation, AF coming? Who knows.

All I know is that IF has crippled my (previously lovely scientific) mind.


CAM said...

This is the time that will drive you absolutely MAD! Every little twinge makes us think one way or the other?! Wait til you get your beta test done. Try to keep yourself never know what is going on in there! Keep us posted!

In and Out of Luck said...

I just looked at your blog and yup! on the "pee, don't pee, believe the negative, don't believe it, pee again, don't pee again," etc. Aaaah! Good luck.