First, forgive me, it seems I've made a blogging style mistake. It should have read:
F*CK, F*CK, F*CK. (asterisks now properly placed)
While not absolute, it seems IVF will be canceled, and converted to IUI. Bumping my meds back up did lead to follicular growth, but now my progesterone is rising, indicating my body entering luteal phase. Apparently this can be a poor prognostic indicator for positive IVF outcome (see this or this BUT this may be ok with PCOS ). So tonight it was more Menop.ur and a dose of Cetrot.ide, Menop.ur again in AM then off to see Dr K. Again they will check E2, progesterone and likely recommend trigger that night for IUI on Friday. I'm not sure just how crappy our chances are even with IUI, so I'll have to ask. We know DH swimmers are top notch and there are no major barricades to entry. This we know thanks to our lovely blighted ovum experience back in December.
Last night I was in tears on the phone with my mom. Its strange, as a teen I despised her. In my twenties I tolerated her. In my thirties, I miss her. I don't know how as a mother of six relatively healthy children (and no miscarriages that I'm aware of), she can achieve such a high level of empathy. Except that perhaps I should have given her more credit in my teens. She sent me a silly ecard this AM about how she wishes she could have given me a hug. It made me cry all over again. Why wasn't she affectionate in my youth? I can remember it from when I was little, but not as much when I was pre-teen and teen. Neither of my parents are very good at overt or public affection. In fact, when DH and I were dating they would tease me mercilessly for always ending every call with "I love you." Now, as they approach their mid 70s, I make a special effort to end calls with them that way. They still stumble over it and don't usually reply in kind, but now I know for certain it is on their tongue, and in their hearts.
As is typical of my life, DH is on-call tonight. For you non-hospital types, that means he has to stay and perform all the emergency surgeries (in his specialty) that come in tonight. Summer=parties=accidents=trauma=surgery. So with my shitty news, he is not hear to commiserate. Although being Prince Positive, he would just repeat his (in)famous 3 lines:
I love you
Everything will be okay
It could still happen
Remarkably, I was more distraught last night. Today just confirmed my fears. And somehow I've felt a bit at peace. I think because now it is officially beyond my control, and at least now we won't spend additional thousands on IVF procedures that are unlikely to work. We can not afford to do any more cycles at this point, and these results seem to indicate that would be unwise (with my eggs) anyway. We won't be living in one state for more than 12 mos for the next 2 yrs, so starting adoption seems questionable. Plus with DH in his final year and doing surgery all the time, I don't know that he could attend the required home study classes. So I'm not sure there is really anything I can do for quite awhile. So maybe I will let the obsession go and enjoy the beautiful son that I have. Maybe.
Maybe not. Today I looked at info on DHEA supplementation in older women or those with premature ovarian failure. Some of you have mentioned this before. I'm not convinced this is a solution. But the few articles I've looked at seem slightly promising, and I think Aurelia mentioned that it may be discussed more at the big upcoming fertility conference in Europe. Okay, get ready for MAJOR TMI. I would love for this to help my eggs, but I'm more interested in whether it would help some other symptoms. Specifically, major discomfort with intercourse (yes, that's right, I said it). I know this is a side-effect of lots of the meds used in ART (evil clomid and even BCP), but in the last few months I've had this problem even when not on meds. I mentioned it to Dr K just before this cycle, and joked that maybe menopause was coming. But he just "tut tut'd" me and said he didn't think so. But now I do. It is bad enough to have your sex life ruined by the battan sex march, but to end up with no eggs, no baby and now maybe no good sex? That WILL kill me. I'm wondering if DHEA supplements might help elevate my basal estrogen and testosterone to make my life better. So, I'm going to bring it up tomorrow. Dr K will want to put it off until after this cycle, but I know he is away the rest of the month (probably at the big conference). So, I'm going to try and be forceful and push for a brief discussion. Have any of you had such problems, that you are willing to share?
Its late and I should end this ung-dly long post. Thanks for listening and trying to bolster my spirits.
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Maybe, maybe not ... looking like NOT *UPDATED*
FU*K, FU*K, FU*K.
Things were looking up Sunday. Six follicles, not bad size. Dr K backed down my meds a little. Now today my E2 DROPPED, and no real growth. I'm so tired of my body failing me. I want to cry so bad. But J is watching TV and will freak if I lose it. He actually asked today when I'd have a baby in my belly (we've been talking a lot about animals and their babies lately). I was hoping that was a good omen, you know, him being interested. Maybe G-d, or whoever, would be listening. FU*K.
They said that if we can't get to trigger by stim day 14 that I'm toast. The likelihood of pregnancy is really low. To top it off I'll probably have to buy another grand worth of drugs, and could still get canceled. FU*K.
And it screws up all my plans for childcare for transfer (if we even get there). I'll have to either scramble having friends take him, or put up with having my FIL here all week waiting for ET. I don't think I can take that added stress (he's not my fav). FU*K.
Despite all my talk last post about being willing to go with DE, I'M NOT READY. I'm NOT ready. This sucks. FU*K.
That bitch hope just crept in to tease me and than ran off with some other woman's ovaries instead. And she left mine sore, but possibly unlikely to even produce an egg. Bitch. FU*K.
Waiting for DH to come home (which could be 4-6 hrs!) so I can blubber properly as this day requires. FU*K.
____________________________________________________________________
Nothing really new to report, but DH came home and took J to the park, so had a few minutes to vent. I'm not sure if I really want to get to retrieval. The way things have gone, it seems fairly unlikely to have a positive outcome. Maybe we should just cut our losses (financially) and move on. It is so unfair.
Even my favorite nurse had me peeved at her:
Things were looking up Sunday. Six follicles, not bad size. Dr K backed down my meds a little. Now today my E2 DROPPED, and no real growth. I'm so tired of my body failing me. I want to cry so bad. But J is watching TV and will freak if I lose it. He actually asked today when I'd have a baby in my belly (we've been talking a lot about animals and their babies lately). I was hoping that was a good omen, you know, him being interested. Maybe G-d, or whoever, would be listening. FU*K.
They said that if we can't get to trigger by stim day 14 that I'm toast. The likelihood of pregnancy is really low. To top it off I'll probably have to buy another grand worth of drugs, and could still get canceled. FU*K.
And it screws up all my plans for childcare for transfer (if we even get there). I'll have to either scramble having friends take him, or put up with having my FIL here all week waiting for ET. I don't think I can take that added stress (he's not my fav). FU*K.
Despite all my talk last post about being willing to go with DE, I'M NOT READY. I'm NOT ready. This sucks. FU*K.
That bitch hope just crept in to tease me and than ran off with some other woman's ovaries instead. And she left mine sore, but possibly unlikely to even produce an egg. Bitch. FU*K.
Waiting for DH to come home (which could be 4-6 hrs!) so I can blubber properly as this day requires. FU*K.
____________________________________________________________________
Nothing really new to report, but DH came home and took J to the park, so had a few minutes to vent. I'm not sure if I really want to get to retrieval. The way things have gone, it seems fairly unlikely to have a positive outcome. Maybe we should just cut our losses (financially) and move on. It is so unfair.
Even my favorite nurse had me peeved at her:
Nurse: Well, your body is just not responding to the meds.Ok, DH back. Time to get ready for the blubbering session. More tomorrow about how IF is sucking us dry of money and happiness.
My brain: DUH! What would you like me to do, have a stern talk with my pituitary and ovaries? Hello ovaries, could you please get your asses in gear and join the team effort?
My brain asks: So do you think we will make it for retrieval by Friday?
Nurse: *scoff* Um, I don't think you will be ready by Friday. We can do retrieval on the weekend ... if we need to.
My brain hears: What planet is this chick on? Doesn't she realize she's never getting to retrieval?
Nurse: Ok, Dr Slick is really booked tomorrow, but I squeezed your US in at 8:15.
My brain hears: Dr Slick is busy with real patients tomorrow, you know ones who's ovaries actually work. But we don't want to cancel your cycle since it will finance his summer vacaction house, so we'll give you a cursory wanding when it suits us. Oh, and then maybe we'll cancel you anyway.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Creeping in ...
Hope is creeping in, creeping in. Today I feel stuff happening in those little ovaries. Little uncomfortable on the left, little twinge on the right. I keep hoping that I'm the tortoise and slow and steady will win the race. We'll see at US tomorrow.
There has been a lot of recent chats in the blogosphere about hope, choices and adoption (The Oneliner, Serenity). So I thought I'd share a little of my (sorry, our) journey on some of those topics. Not that we have made any final decisions, but with so many set backs we have talked a lot about a general game plan.
First you need to know a few things about our situation. ONE, we are poor -- okay not third world country poor, or even working poor, but in the realm of IF ... poor. After being blessed to have one child, I gave up being a veterinarian to stay home. The area we live in has a pretty low cost-of-living, so we could squeak by on my husbands resident's salary. I've been putting off some pretty substantial school loans to do this. So now, we have one year left in DH's training. Which brings us to number TWO, in one year we will be moving to LA for him to do an additional year of training, and where I will not be able to easily practice (licensing issues). Then THREE, we will move again to places unknown to settle down. All these things impact some of our decision making process.
Okay, moving on -- when my first IVF attempt failed I was crushed. As undiagnosed IF, I had convinced myself that if we could just get egg and sperm together in that dish, we'd be golden. Our IVF cycle had gone from bad to worse. Only 8 follicles, then only 5 eggs harvested, only 2 fertilized (one with ICSI). I was convinced my ovaries were kaput (DH has great swimmers). Immediately after the failure I didn't want to talk to my RE yet. Then when I tried to set up our follow-up appt. there were issues (he was away, we were away), so it took a whole month. In that time I aggressively investigated adoption.
Initially we were all for it. We both love children (duh, what a silly statement). We had always imagined our family as including several kids (I had always wanted 4 or 5. I am one of 6 -- catholic parents). I did a lot of reading about domestic vs. international and open adoptions. But we were very concerned about moving 2 times in the next 3 years and how this would complicate pursuing adoption. Then there were the costs to consider, and also how moving would affect those (needed to update home studies). From the information I gathered, we were easily looking at $20-30,000 for adoption internationally. And with domestic there can be unknown costs if you are working with a birth mother who needs financial support. We simply don't have those resources.
Without a big pool of cash to work from, it seemed we would have to consider other adoption roads - such as older children or those with disabilities. This was tough but simple at the same time. We both agreed we are not able to adopt a child with significant mental, physical or emotional disabilities. If it happened to us, we would be committed and work hard. But we just weren't willing to volunteer for that. That is a hard thing to admit and say about yourself. But we felt that IF had put us through the wringer, and at 35 we were too tired to offer ourselves up for more heartache. So, we also agreed that babies from drug addiction backgrounds etc, were not in our future either. The adoption options were getting smaller.
We talked about open adoptions too, and whether it would work for us. Since this is now the way many adoptions are set up today, it was an important issue. Again, we were quickly on the same page. (Its so nice to have your intellectual soul mate for a spouse) I felt that any parent who is selfless enough to place her child for adoption, deserves to know they are loved and safe. So we were both very willing to provide information, pictures, share letters. But we were both leery of meeting with the birth family on any regular basis.
Based on all these things, adoption started to seemed pretty daunting. I finally asked my DH the big questions ... "what do you want? is having J enough for you?" And I was surprised at the answer. He admitted that he too always imagined our family differently, but that if all we ever had was J, he'd be okay with that. I was so touched. Because I knew he was soothing my fears over his possible disappointment over no more of HIS biological children (since it seems the problem is likely me). He actually told me that our son was remarkable and that having gotten to see that was enough for him. But also that he wanted me to be happy and satisfied, so he would support any efforts I wanted to make. Amazing huh?
This beautiful outlook from him led me to look more into donor egg as an option. I want to see his sweet personality in our next child. I want to give that to him. I admit too, that I really want to be pregnant again. I want that connection, even if the egg is not my own. We've talked about this option too. But we know we can't financially afford it until all the moves are done and he is settled in a job with a significant income. That's tough. But I think this may be the right choice for us -- we'll see.
So, anyway. We finally talked to the RE about the first failed cycle, and found out that maybe it was so abysmal because it was ended too soon -- eggs too immature. Dr K didn't feel we had given it our best shot. He helped a little with financing so we could give it this last try. I'm a little worried since we had such a slow start. But hope is creeping in ...
There has been a lot of recent chats in the blogosphere about hope, choices and adoption (The Oneliner, Serenity). So I thought I'd share a little of my (sorry, our) journey on some of those topics. Not that we have made any final decisions, but with so many set backs we have talked a lot about a general game plan.
First you need to know a few things about our situation. ONE, we are poor -- okay not third world country poor, or even working poor, but in the realm of IF ... poor. After being blessed to have one child, I gave up being a veterinarian to stay home. The area we live in has a pretty low cost-of-living, so we could squeak by on my husbands resident's salary. I've been putting off some pretty substantial school loans to do this. So now, we have one year left in DH's training. Which brings us to number TWO, in one year we will be moving to LA for him to do an additional year of training, and where I will not be able to easily practice (licensing issues). Then THREE, we will move again to places unknown to settle down. All these things impact some of our decision making process.
Okay, moving on -- when my first IVF attempt failed I was crushed. As undiagnosed IF, I had convinced myself that if we could just get egg and sperm together in that dish, we'd be golden. Our IVF cycle had gone from bad to worse. Only 8 follicles, then only 5 eggs harvested, only 2 fertilized (one with ICSI). I was convinced my ovaries were kaput (DH has great swimmers). Immediately after the failure I didn't want to talk to my RE yet. Then when I tried to set up our follow-up appt. there were issues (he was away, we were away), so it took a whole month. In that time I aggressively investigated adoption.
Initially we were all for it. We both love children (duh, what a silly statement). We had always imagined our family as including several kids (I had always wanted 4 or 5. I am one of 6 -- catholic parents). I did a lot of reading about domestic vs. international and open adoptions. But we were very concerned about moving 2 times in the next 3 years and how this would complicate pursuing adoption. Then there were the costs to consider, and also how moving would affect those (needed to update home studies). From the information I gathered, we were easily looking at $20-30,000 for adoption internationally. And with domestic there can be unknown costs if you are working with a birth mother who needs financial support. We simply don't have those resources.
Without a big pool of cash to work from, it seemed we would have to consider other adoption roads - such as older children or those with disabilities. This was tough but simple at the same time. We both agreed we are not able to adopt a child with significant mental, physical or emotional disabilities. If it happened to us, we would be committed and work hard. But we just weren't willing to volunteer for that. That is a hard thing to admit and say about yourself. But we felt that IF had put us through the wringer, and at 35 we were too tired to offer ourselves up for more heartache. So, we also agreed that babies from drug addiction backgrounds etc, were not in our future either. The adoption options were getting smaller.
We talked about open adoptions too, and whether it would work for us. Since this is now the way many adoptions are set up today, it was an important issue. Again, we were quickly on the same page. (Its so nice to have your intellectual soul mate for a spouse) I felt that any parent who is selfless enough to place her child for adoption, deserves to know they are loved and safe. So we were both very willing to provide information, pictures, share letters. But we were both leery of meeting with the birth family on any regular basis.
Based on all these things, adoption started to seemed pretty daunting. I finally asked my DH the big questions ... "what do you want? is having J enough for you?" And I was surprised at the answer. He admitted that he too always imagined our family differently, but that if all we ever had was J, he'd be okay with that. I was so touched. Because I knew he was soothing my fears over his possible disappointment over no more of HIS biological children (since it seems the problem is likely me). He actually told me that our son was remarkable and that having gotten to see that was enough for him. But also that he wanted me to be happy and satisfied, so he would support any efforts I wanted to make. Amazing huh?
This beautiful outlook from him led me to look more into donor egg as an option. I want to see his sweet personality in our next child. I want to give that to him. I admit too, that I really want to be pregnant again. I want that connection, even if the egg is not my own. We've talked about this option too. But we know we can't financially afford it until all the moves are done and he is settled in a job with a significant income. That's tough. But I think this may be the right choice for us -- we'll see.
So, anyway. We finally talked to the RE about the first failed cycle, and found out that maybe it was so abysmal because it was ended too soon -- eggs too immature. Dr K didn't feel we had given it our best shot. He helped a little with financing so we could give it this last try. I'm a little worried since we had such a slow start. But hope is creeping in ...
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
What am I waiting for?
WAIT -- Don't go anywhere!! Its still ME! I'm just still finding my voice, and format, for this blog. So don't be surprised if it changes now and then. Okay, now on with the post ...
I am overwhelmed. Since starting this blog and reading so many of yours, I am inundated with emotions. Over things that have happened and things that may (or may not) happen. I just feel such an urge to spew everything out to you all, since I feel only support and no judgment. Its amazing.
So where to start? Maybe a quick list about why the blog is "Waiting for ...?"
*I am sharing my profession because it is a vital part of how I identify myself (when I can), please be understanding that I can not practice medicine over the internet. But I'm always up for talking dog (cats too).
____________________________________________________________________
Cycle news: Not much exciting. Go for E2 tomorrow, then hopefully I'll be scheduled for US soon so I can know how many follies are developing. I'm dying here folks. Although I was glad to hear that my local IVF girlfriend did well and even had extras for the freezer. I'm hoping those good ju ju meds work for me too. I have to admit, I'm nervous now to be cycling so close to this friend. Now that I know things went so well for her, I'm worried they won't go so well for me. Ugh, go away ugly pessimism. It would be so wonderful for us both to be PG together and all that. But I'm freaking out a little that she will get PG or at least be able to do FET, and that my cycle will just bomb. I know that is silly since I truly want all that for her, and of course when I even mention these fears to DH he gets grumpy and insists that I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE. Its like he thinks that the power of positive thinking alone will conquer unexplained IF. "Ah yes, dear damsel in distress, have no fear for Prince Positive is here!"
*sigh*
In brighter news -- J did not drown in swim class, and the group was actually pretty small and the instructors quite good. Yeah! And while he was not exactly a star at his first soccer class, he did manage to finish the whole hour without any tears (just a little whining about being hot and hungry).
E2 tomorrow! I'm smiling, I'm feeling hopeful. Please don't whack me with your sword Prince Positive.
I am overwhelmed. Since starting this blog and reading so many of yours, I am inundated with emotions. Over things that have happened and things that may (or may not) happen. I just feel such an urge to spew everything out to you all, since I feel only support and no judgment. Its amazing.
So where to start? Maybe a quick list about why the blog is "Waiting for ...?"
1. I am waiting to feel that my family is complete
2. I am waiting to feel that I am complete
3. I am waiting to feel what my calling and contribution to this world will be
4. I am waiting to know what to do about my career (will I ever go back to practicing veterinary medicine?*)
5. I am waiting for my short term (and long term) memory to function again
6. I am waiting for my sanity to return (hopefully it will bring happiness along with it)
7. I am waiting to know where in the country we will finally settle once my husband is done his training (will I like it?)
8. I am waiting to stop being afraid of the future
9. I am waiting to feel like a whole woman again
10. I am waiting ...
*I am sharing my profession because it is a vital part of how I identify myself (when I can), please be understanding that I can not practice medicine over the internet. But I'm always up for talking dog (cats too).
____________________________________________________________________
Cycle news: Not much exciting. Go for E2 tomorrow, then hopefully I'll be scheduled for US soon so I can know how many follies are developing. I'm dying here folks. Although I was glad to hear that my local IVF girlfriend did well and even had extras for the freezer. I'm hoping those good ju ju meds work for me too. I have to admit, I'm nervous now to be cycling so close to this friend. Now that I know things went so well for her, I'm worried they won't go so well for me. Ugh, go away ugly pessimism. It would be so wonderful for us both to be PG together and all that. But I'm freaking out a little that she will get PG or at least be able to do FET, and that my cycle will just bomb. I know that is silly since I truly want all that for her, and of course when I even mention these fears to DH he gets grumpy and insists that I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE. Its like he thinks that the power of positive thinking alone will conquer unexplained IF. "Ah yes, dear damsel in distress, have no fear for Prince Positive is here!"
*sigh*
In brighter news -- J did not drown in swim class, and the group was actually pretty small and the instructors quite good. Yeah! And while he was not exactly a star at his first soccer class, he did manage to finish the whole hour without any tears (just a little whining about being hot and hungry).
E2 tomorrow! I'm smiling, I'm feeling hopeful. Please don't whack me with your sword Prince Positive.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Why, Why, Why, Why????
Okay, so I was thinking all day about what to write in my second post ever, and had bandied about several themes. Having finally acknowledged my need to vent all these thoughts and emotions from the last 2 years of TTC there were a plethora of options. And I've found so many of you (bloggers) that I wanted to talk about how closely I identify with you all and what a comfort it is that I am not alone.
But instead I just want to strangle my DH. You see, he is a surgeon in training (aka residency). This neccesitates working with both sharp objects and various individuals' blood. Perhaps you can recognize the infectious disease risk? So tonight, 6d prior to beginning meds for our last IVF, he calls to tell me he was the recipient of a stick today. I know it is not his fault and I'm supposed to be concerned about his (our) life and health. But right now I am just angry. This is not the first time in our IF journey that this was an issue. Just prior to starting with our RE he had an exposure (to top it off the hospital never arranged for the patient's HIV test so we had to spend 6 mos wondering -- we went ahead with treatment anyway). He says the patient from this exposure is low risk and will have a rapid HIV test tomorrow, but it is still frustrating.
I am such an evil wench. He clearly dreaded telling me. On the phone he just said we could talk when he got home. RED FLAG alert! So I pushed and he spilled. I'm sure he feels terrible. And I punished by simply remaining silent. When I take a deep breath I can admit that this will turn out to be no big deal. It is just disappointing to have any bumps in this road. Hopefully when he gets home later, I can smile and say "we'll deal with it". I think the only thing that would stop this bus would be an outright positive result from the patient.
Okay, moving on. I talked to my IVF nurse today, who I adore! Just a few double check questions to take care of, but it made it all seem so real. It is happening (needle stick be damned). While I am excited and want to do things like dream of twins, I'm also petrified of the crushing heartbreak that will come if it fails. Its so difficult to talk to my DH about these feelings. He is the most wonderful partner and loves me to pieces. But he struggles for words and always resorts to empty hope. "It still could happen, even without treatment. It only takes one good egg." (But where the hell is that egg?!) He just doesn't understand that in many ways I'm looking forward to no longer hoping. Of letting go of hope. Because with hope comes disappointment.
Ugh, that sounded depressing. Reading all your blogs lately has me on a roller coaster of emotions as I empathize with all you have gone through. I really do want to be hopeful. And see how many of you are or have succeeded (even against big odds) does make me glimmer a bit with something ... maybe it is hope?
Well, I think this gal needs some ice cream. Don't cha know that makes everything better?
But instead I just want to strangle my DH. You see, he is a surgeon in training (aka residency). This neccesitates working with both sharp objects and various individuals' blood. Perhaps you can recognize the infectious disease risk? So tonight, 6d prior to beginning meds for our last IVF, he calls to tell me he was the recipient of a stick today. I know it is not his fault and I'm supposed to be concerned about his (our) life and health. But right now I am just angry. This is not the first time in our IF journey that this was an issue. Just prior to starting with our RE he had an exposure (to top it off the hospital never arranged for the patient's HIV test so we had to spend 6 mos wondering -- we went ahead with treatment anyway). He says the patient from this exposure is low risk and will have a rapid HIV test tomorrow, but it is still frustrating.
I am such an evil wench. He clearly dreaded telling me. On the phone he just said we could talk when he got home. RED FLAG alert! So I pushed and he spilled. I'm sure he feels terrible. And I punished by simply remaining silent. When I take a deep breath I can admit that this will turn out to be no big deal. It is just disappointing to have any bumps in this road. Hopefully when he gets home later, I can smile and say "we'll deal with it". I think the only thing that would stop this bus would be an outright positive result from the patient.
Okay, moving on. I talked to my IVF nurse today, who I adore! Just a few double check questions to take care of, but it made it all seem so real. It is happening (needle stick be damned). While I am excited and want to do things like dream of twins, I'm also petrified of the crushing heartbreak that will come if it fails. Its so difficult to talk to my DH about these feelings. He is the most wonderful partner and loves me to pieces. But he struggles for words and always resorts to empty hope. "It still could happen, even without treatment. It only takes one good egg." (But where the hell is that egg?!) He just doesn't understand that in many ways I'm looking forward to no longer hoping. Of letting go of hope. Because with hope comes disappointment.
Ugh, that sounded depressing. Reading all your blogs lately has me on a roller coaster of emotions as I empathize with all you have gone through. I really do want to be hopeful. And see how many of you are or have succeeded (even against big odds) does make me glimmer a bit with something ... maybe it is hope?
Well, I think this gal needs some ice cream. Don't cha know that makes everything better?
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Here we go again
Okay, so now that I am on the verge of the end of fertility treatment, I am finally starting a blog. Recently I started reading a variety of IF posts and blogs, and it has been really helpful. But I must say, I'm really nervous to be entering what (one way or another) will be our last IVF cycle. Especially to start sharing all the drama that will go along with that -- it might make it all the more real. But I've seen what a great network many of you seem to be to one another, so I think it is time to share.
My husband and I are 35 and dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. We have a wonderful boy who just turned 4 and, when he is not a terror, is a complete joy. It took nine months and one chemical pregnancy (I hate that term!) before we conceived J, and I was frantic that it would never happen. Infertility has always been a secret premonition for me since I was in my 20s. My husband and I married when we were 23, but both of us were pursuing professional degrees and held off starting a family. Like everyone with IF, I of course question that choice. But it would have been a nightmare to do both. Anyway, my mom was fertile mytrle (6 kids) and my sister had her 2 girls at over 33 -- so I had prayed I was okay. We had our son and I told myself the next one might take a little while, but would happen.
Well, after a year of trying ... nothing. We went directly to an RE, and he is great. Just to torment us, all our tests were normal. My husband and I are both medical professionals, so it was torture not to have a diagnosis. Diagnosis you can treat, unexplained you just fiddle around with. I did 7 months of Clomid and IUIs -- one extra since we missed an ovulation one cycle. Then I had to take some mental health leave, four months. By then I was chomping at the bit to get back in the game. We did our insurance covered 3 cycles of injectables with IUI. Nice follicles, great sperm counts -- no pregnancy. The only diagnostic test remaining was laparoscopy, but we decided that with no history of endometriosis we would pass. So it was time for IVF -- no insurance coverage for that.
I had been staying at home with our son, and opted not to go back to work when the fertility jaunt started. Well, that meant no money. We were lucky to get accepted for a NY state grant for one cycle of IVF where we paid a sliding scale amount based on our income. Then while waiting for the grant to come, I got pregnant -- non-treatment cycle (a curse of sorts since it echoed all those who insensitively tell you that you just need to relax). But my betas weren't doubling and it turned out to be a non-viable pregnancy or blighted ovum (I'm not a big fan of that term either). So after suffering through the Christmas holidays, I returned to the RE for a D&C. That was hard.
We finally did our IVF cycle and were devastated when 8 follicles only yielded 5 eggs, of which only 2 fertilized (one by ICSI). So they rushed them back into me and I suffered the 2ww. But I knew at 8 days post-transfer I wasn't pregnant, I just know my body after a stim cycle. And my beta confirmed -- no baby. Anyway, turns out my estrogen levels weren't rising much at the end of the cycle even though my follicles were growing. So my RE thinks the eggs weren't mature enough. Of course, I constantly worry that they are just old and crusty.
Now after all that background ... you can know that we are about to embark on our last hurrah of IVF. We scrounged some money and will live in further debt to give it one last try before my eggs shrivel up and blow away. We really can't afford this cycle, but couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't try. So on Saturday I start a new stimulation protocol and we cross our fingers. And toes.
My husband and I are 35 and dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. We have a wonderful boy who just turned 4 and, when he is not a terror, is a complete joy. It took nine months and one chemical pregnancy (I hate that term!) before we conceived J, and I was frantic that it would never happen. Infertility has always been a secret premonition for me since I was in my 20s. My husband and I married when we were 23, but both of us were pursuing professional degrees and held off starting a family. Like everyone with IF, I of course question that choice. But it would have been a nightmare to do both. Anyway, my mom was fertile mytrle (6 kids) and my sister had her 2 girls at over 33 -- so I had prayed I was okay. We had our son and I told myself the next one might take a little while, but would happen.
Well, after a year of trying ... nothing. We went directly to an RE, and he is great. Just to torment us, all our tests were normal. My husband and I are both medical professionals, so it was torture not to have a diagnosis. Diagnosis you can treat, unexplained you just fiddle around with. I did 7 months of Clomid and IUIs -- one extra since we missed an ovulation one cycle. Then I had to take some mental health leave, four months. By then I was chomping at the bit to get back in the game. We did our insurance covered 3 cycles of injectables with IUI. Nice follicles, great sperm counts -- no pregnancy. The only diagnostic test remaining was laparoscopy, but we decided that with no history of endometriosis we would pass. So it was time for IVF -- no insurance coverage for that.
I had been staying at home with our son, and opted not to go back to work when the fertility jaunt started. Well, that meant no money. We were lucky to get accepted for a NY state grant for one cycle of IVF where we paid a sliding scale amount based on our income. Then while waiting for the grant to come, I got pregnant -- non-treatment cycle (a curse of sorts since it echoed all those who insensitively tell you that you just need to relax). But my betas weren't doubling and it turned out to be a non-viable pregnancy or blighted ovum (I'm not a big fan of that term either). So after suffering through the Christmas holidays, I returned to the RE for a D&C. That was hard.
We finally did our IVF cycle and were devastated when 8 follicles only yielded 5 eggs, of which only 2 fertilized (one by ICSI). So they rushed them back into me and I suffered the 2ww. But I knew at 8 days post-transfer I wasn't pregnant, I just know my body after a stim cycle. And my beta confirmed -- no baby. Anyway, turns out my estrogen levels weren't rising much at the end of the cycle even though my follicles were growing. So my RE thinks the eggs weren't mature enough. Of course, I constantly worry that they are just old and crusty.
Now after all that background ... you can know that we are about to embark on our last hurrah of IVF. We scrounged some money and will live in further debt to give it one last try before my eggs shrivel up and blow away. We really can't afford this cycle, but couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't try. So on Saturday I start a new stimulation protocol and we cross our fingers. And toes.
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