Monday, June 18, 2007

Why, Why, Why, Why????

Okay, so I was thinking all day about what to write in my second post ever, and had bandied about several themes. Having finally acknowledged my need to vent all these thoughts and emotions from the last 2 years of TTC there were a plethora of options. And I've found so many of you (bloggers) that I wanted to talk about how closely I identify with you all and what a comfort it is that I am not alone.

But instead I just want to strangle my DH. You see, he is a surgeon in training (aka residency). This neccesitates working with both sharp objects and various individuals' blood. Perhaps you can recognize the infectious disease risk? So tonight, 6d prior to beginning meds for our last IVF, he calls to tell me he was the recipient of a stick today. I know it is not his fault and I'm supposed to be concerned about his (our) life and health. But right now I am just angry. This is not the first time in our IF journey that this was an issue. Just prior to starting with our RE he had an exposure (to top it off the hospital never arranged for the patient's HIV test so we had to spend 6 mos wondering -- we went ahead with treatment anyway). He says the patient from this exposure is low risk and will have a rapid HIV test tomorrow, but it is still frustrating.

I am such an evil wench. He clearly dreaded telling me. On the phone he just said we could talk when he got home. RED FLAG alert! So I pushed and he spilled. I'm sure he feels terrible. And I punished by simply remaining silent. When I take a deep breath I can admit that this will turn out to be no big deal. It is just disappointing to have any bumps in this road. Hopefully when he gets home later, I can smile and say "we'll deal with it". I think the only thing that would stop this bus would be an outright positive result from the patient.

Okay, moving on. I talked to my IVF nurse today, who I adore! Just a few double check questions to take care of, but it made it all seem so real. It is happening (needle stick be damned). While I am excited and want to do things like dream of twins, I'm also petrified of the crushing heartbreak that will come if it fails. Its so difficult to talk to my DH about these feelings. He is the most wonderful partner and loves me to pieces. But he struggles for words and always resorts to empty hope. "It still could happen, even without treatment. It only takes one good egg." (But where the hell is that egg?!) He just doesn't understand that in many ways I'm looking forward to no longer hoping. Of letting go of hope. Because with hope comes disappointment.

Ugh, that sounded depressing. Reading all your blogs lately has me on a roller coaster of emotions as I empathize with all you have gone through. I really do want to be hopeful. And see how many of you are or have succeeded (even against big odds) does make me glimmer a bit with something ... maybe it is hope?

Well, I think this gal needs some ice cream. Don't cha know that makes everything better?


Leah said...

Yeah for ice cream! Thank you for the comment on my blog. I am in exactly the same situation. My daughter is the oldest one in her play group (at a whopping almost 3 years old), but EVERY ONE of the other mothers either already has another or is currently pregnant. I hate the feeling of being lapped! I know my daughter likes spending time with her friends, but sometimes I just avoid the whole scene if I'm having a bad day because I can't handle seeing women with toddlers and newborns (or visibly pregnant). Ugh.

I'm glad you decided to join the crowd. I had been a reader, lurker, and habitual commenter for a looong time until I decided last month to get off my duff and start my own. I'm so glad I did!

In reading your two posts, it's a little eerie how similar our stories are. Our daughter was conceived while waiting to start IF treatments), have had 2 miscarriages (one while waiting to start IF treatments again), and have the crusty old egg fear as well.

I will definitely be following your blog, can't wait to read more!

stickybun07 said...

Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. You're so right--it does sound like we've got a lot in common! I hope what we really have in common is a successful June/July IVF cycle!

And, for what it's worth, I think I would have reacted similarly to the stick. I can only imagine the level of complexity something like that would add. As if you don't have ENOUGH to think about!

I hope you enjoyed the ice cream, and that your hubby is fine. And I'll be checking in to see how things are going!