Sunday, November 4, 2007

Blocked. Breakouts? New Beginnings?

Clearly, I've been blocked. No, not like ... I need milk of magnesia blocked! ... writer's block. Aside from a moment of paranoid meltdown, I have yet to post anything substantial in weeks. My apologies.

Brief aside: Thanks so much to Mel, and all the other bloggers who stepped up and offered to comfort me and help ease my insanity over our future move to LA. As usual the Queen was amazing and hooked me up and kept me from jumping off the edge. So be sure to go and vote for her at the weblog awards. You can vote every 24 hours (until Nov 8), so vote every 24 hrs damn it!

I've been in a strange place when it comes to this blog. When I first started, I loved how it was anonymous and I could write whatever I wanted. I could spew anything and get it off my chest. Then I met many of you and I found myself sharing more and more, and wanting to be less anonymous. And then I found so many amazing, witty, clever, creative, honest, beautiful and substantial blogs. And now I want to be more.

I've been thinking a lot about how I want this to be more than an IF blog. Hold on, don't run away yet. Its just that I'm trying hard for there to be more to ME than IF. Its like Lori talked about in her Chakra Sundays profile on Sacral Chakra:

Be careful who you declare yourself to be. The Universe will support your creative declaration. You want to be Infertile4ever.blogspot.com? You got it. Call yourself cantgetpreggers.wordpress.com? Okey-dokey. If your entire persona is tied to being neveramom.com, the Universe will comply -- for who would you be if not this identity you've worked so hard on? By blogging, you are creating. So do it consciously and with awareness of who you want to be.

But I haven't quite discovered how to break out. I'm working on it. I'm thinking a bit about moving to Word.press. Shaking up the layout of the blog. Working more on my own writing style and voice. Starting to post some of my photography, although I'm no Niobe. Maybe adding a section for the Shop to Make Mom or Pop Store. Talking a little more about parenting to help me focus on the positive of being at home with J. I'm also thinking of making it not-anonymous, but I'm not quite sure. Maybe I will keep this private space to be able to fully delve into my IF woes.

Meanwhile, only 2 more weeks of BCPs left! Then its baselines and bloodwork and microdose Lupron. Then in 3 weeks ... stims. I'm afraid. Very, very afraid. As usual, Mel described how I'm feeling very well just the other day. Cause this is it. The last amyegg cycle. I'm hoping it turns out like the last Leah egg cycle. With a BFP. If not, it will be a new beginning. Time to prepare for a new city, maybe a new job, and a new life. Maybe.

7 comments:

Geohde said...

It took me a while, but I quite like wordpress.

Most of the time.

J

Leah said...

I very, very, very much hope it turns out magical for you. I have everything crossed (including my eyes if you think that will help), I'll burn incense, I'll do my funky lucky chicken dance, whatever it takes to help you get your happy outcome!! xoxo

niobe said...

Y'know, I've found that spending some time changing the way my blog looks -- the colors, the layout, the picture in the header, the fonts -- has been remarkably helpful. If I can't change the facts of my life, at least I can change the way I present them to the world. And it's not hard. And you can always change it again. Or change it back.

(also, many thanks for the kind words about my photos)

Lori said...

Thanks, Amy, for reading and mentioning the Chakra Sunday series. I was a little worried about posting the part you quoted, and I'm so glad you understood the spirit of the message.

I've been playing around with Blogger, and I've even been able to replace the default masthead with a Chakra painting.

I could walk you through doing your own photo if you email me...

I'm off to vote for Mel!

Ms. Planner said...

I love that you don't want to be defined by IF. And I look forward to the various ways that you express yourself via your blog.

JJ said...

Ive thought about a wordpress move too...
I am hoping that all of the thoughts/decisions you are pondering turn out to be very positive.
Your blog is great--I think you do a great job of expressing yourself--keep it up=) Im always checking in on you!

KarenO said...

I really do hope this one will work out with a huge BFP for you :) hugs!