Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Anxiety

On the surface it seemed like an ordinary day. Showered, dressed, ate breakfast. Baked pumpkin bread with J. Even let him convince me to do a craft before pre-school in the afternoon. Opened mail, emptied dishwasher, made spaghetti.

But as the rainy hours stretched on my heart raced, my mind scattered, and I thought I might erupt in tears. And I don't want to feel this way. It was as if the day were punctuated with mini-panic attacks.

Hormones are probably part of it. The upcoming be-all, end-all cycle is part of it. The cost of said cycle is part of it. The move to Los Angeles is part of it. The cost of the moving and living in Los Angeles is part of it.

All those parts are landing on my head and shattering it into a thousand pieces. Why can't I hold it together?

When DH finally arrived home (at a reasonable time, thank g-d), it all seemed more manageable. But when I am alone all day with my thoughts, it seems our lives are going to fall apart. I think what set me off today was some investigation into living in LA. With the devastating fires happening, it has been hard not to think about the move. We won't go until sometime next summer. But trying to find an apartment that:
  1. Is a reasonable commute to UCLA
  2. Is in a reasonably decent school zone for J (this is my biggest worry)
  3. Will accept our smaller dog
  4. Is not outrageously priced
--- well, seems impossible. How do I know where the decent public elementary schools are? How do I know what areas are safe? And to top it off, we have very few contacts out there and we live across the country. So even if the perfect opportunity crops up, we may lose out because we are not in LA. And if I return to some type of work (not vet practice, licensing is too complicated) then we would have some additional income which would broaden our options. But if the be-all, end-all cycle is successful (g-d please yes), then I might not be able to work.

This control freak isn't handling uncertainty very well.

9 comments:

Geohde said...

I'm right with you.

HAT HATE HATE uncertainty.

LOVE to make lists, neatly, and cross off happily completed tasks.

I hope that you feel better soon,

xx

J

mary ellen said...

Uncertainty can be so hard to deal with. I hope you feel better soon.

Kim said...

I feel your pain. I'm trying to orchestrate a very temporary move across the country on a currently unknown date that will involve packing our entire house and putting it in storage, and finding a 2 bedroom, clean, furnished apartment... across the country, on short notice. Very short notice. Oh, and I'm kind of trying to have a baby... lol. I feel ya. I hate uncertainty.

CAM said...

I think our minds can only handle so much change and distress before we crack. But, just know that it will work out...somehow. My suggestion is to go to the LA board of eds website and look at schools test scores etc...that might help. We have a friend who is living and raising a family in the Venice Beach area and is very happy there - just a thought.
Keep smiling and try to think positive.
:)

The Town Criers said...

Can I put something in the Roundup tomorrow--asking for LA people to write you? They'll know the info and maybe even know places that are reasonably priced. Let's use the Web. More effective than ativan--and can be used during a cycle.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I wish it were easy.

chicklet said...

I call it limbo, but same here. I can't deal with maybes, I need yes's and no's. Hopefully the hubby can help:-)

Ms. Planner said...

From what I know of you from reading your blog, I think you will really come to like certain aspects about living on the West Coast. I know this is probably small consolation as you have a lot of things on your plate right now. Hang in there and thinking of you....

xoxo Ms P

jakelliesmom said...

Speaking as a life-long resident of Los Angeles, if you want, e-mail me and I can help point you in a couple of directions.

KarenO said...

I'm so sorry about this hugely upsetting decision and transition for you guys. I pray that everything will work out better and easier than you ever thought it could be!