Anxiety

On the surface it seemed like an ordinary day. Showered, dressed, ate breakfast. Baked pumpkin bread with J. Even let him convince me to do a craft before pre-school in the afternoon. Opened mail, emptied dishwasher, made spaghetti.

But as the rainy hours stretched on my heart raced, my mind scattered, and I thought I might erupt in tears. And I don't want to feel this way. It was as if the day were punctuated with mini-panic attacks.

Hormones are probably part of it. The upcoming be-all, end-all cycle is part of it. The cost of said cycle is part of it. The move to Los Angeles is part of it. The cost of the moving and living in Los Angeles is part of it.

All those parts are landing on my head and shattering it into a thousand pieces. Why can't I hold it together?

When DH finally arrived home (at a reasonable time, thank g-d), it all seemed more manageable. But when I am alone all day with my thoughts, it seems our lives are going to fall apart. I think what set me off today was some investigation into living in LA. With the devastating fires happening, it has been hard not to think about the move. We won't go until sometime next summer. But trying to find an apartment that:

1. Is a reasonable commute to UCLA
2. Is in a reasonably decent school zone for J (this is my biggest worry)
3. Will accept our smaller dog
4. Is not outrageously priced

--- well, seems impossible. How do I know where the decent public elementary schools are? How do I know what areas are safe? And to top it off, we have very few contacts out there and we live across the country. So even if the perfect opportunity crops up, we may lose out because we are not in LA. And if I return to some type of work (not vet practice, licensing is too complicated) then we would have some additional income which would broaden our options. But if the be-all, end-all cycle is successful (g-d please yes), then I might not be able to work.

This control freak isn't handling uncertainty very well.