Advice

I need some advice about parenting/relationships with other parents. Please visit me over at that other place, if you're up for it.

A Year Ago Today ...

I was thankful for lucky number seven. Seven eggs. That became six embryos. That became three transferred embryos. That became two fetuses. That became two fragile premature neonates. That are now two thriving infants.

We are blessed, and grateful.

But here, in this place, I must admit that while this day brought us all we could desire and more, it also is a reminder of all we went through to get here. I went back and read the next few posts that followed that day. And I was struck by the outpouring of love and support I received. And of all the women who were going through the same emotions. Of all my cyclesistas from that month, I think I was the only positive outcome. And that makes me sad, especially since many of those same women are still struggling and hoping.

Thank you to all of you for giving me this place to feel safe and supported, and most importantly validated. I hope I was able to give the same to some of you. And some day, when I have a little more time, I hope to do it again. Thank you just doesn't quite seem like enough, but for now, it will have to do.

If you would like to see what happened to those two those little eggs, click here.*
*link is now FIXED!

VOTE

Tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a history-changing day.

So many have blogged about all the turmoil and issues surrounding this fateful day. Sadly I haven't the time to express what so many of you had cleverly and passionately shared. All I can say is I will be proud to cast my vote tomorrow. And on this day I will be very happy to have moved to California and be given the chance to voice my opposition to Prop 8. There is so much wrong with this movement, and being inundated with the ads has been nothing short of torture.

So tomorrow I will say no to Prop 8, and yes to hope. Yes to a better tomorrow.

Yes to Aqua Bama.*

*this is what The Snake calls him, and being the good son his is, he would vote for him too (if he could)

Catch Me on the Flip Side

Well ladies (and any gents) ...

I've finally started up my new blog! I'll still be posting here sometimes, so don't dump me from your reader just yet! But now you can find me and all my clan at:

www.lifeineden.wordpress.com

Please keep in mind -- I will be inviting family and friends to my new site. Please visit me there, but don't reference this blog, as I would like to continue to keep it private. Thanks!

Buzz

I forgot to mention, only in Drama-land for a couple weeks and already made my first star contact. Let's just say at the local playground I comisserated about the twin experience with a certain housewife.

I played it super cool, natch.

Basking in the Sunshine

We have been in sunny LA for 2 weeks. The fruit babies made the trip like champs. Three days from western NY to Phoenix, a day of rest with the in-laws, then one day to LA. The Snake is back with us and we are a family.

Taking care of two babies is kicking my ass. It would be managable, if not for the monitors (apnea, bradycardia). It would be managable in a home that is established, not an apartment with crap strewn everywhere. It would be managable with a well stocked kitchen. It would be managable with no other children (who need to be walked to school daily).

But somehow, we are managing. It's not pretty, but we are getting by.


I'm likely to start up a new blog when I can finally tread water. This space will still exist, but I want something that I can share with family, and this is not the place. Hope to see you there!

Confusion

I don't have much time to spew about all my emotions and craziness, so here's the down and dirty update.

The insurance company drug things out then simply said it is not within our policy to cover medical transport. It was insanely frustrating process, which did not improve by bicoastal phone conversations with the DH. Regardless, the waiting is over and we are moving forward.

The babies need to be on monitors, as they are still having occasional spells. Commerical airliners will not permit the monitors due to FAA regulations about interference with communications. That leaves the only option as driving.

My husband will come back to western New York after the holiday weekend. His father will also be here. The three of us will take the babies in our new van across the country. Please pray that it won't be too many days.

The fruit babies will probably be discharged to me tomorrow and we will stay with our friends until after the holiday weekend. It's a little daunting for me to tackle 2 babies all by myself.

Oh, and to top it off ... Peaches had been nursing fairly well and now has decided she is nipple confused. Oh yeah, big time. I offer her the breast and she spits it out and screams. I can get her to nurse with a nipple shield, but I still have to pump too. Plus, Plum finally had latched and actually nursed twice, but he too now refused to latch. The lactation consultant feels that once we get to California and settled there is a good chance they will remember the right things and we can get back on track, but that all the stress isn't helping things. So, it's pumping in the car and bottles for this cross country trip. Boy are there going to be some lucky truckers that get an eye-ful!

I'll let you know when we make it to the other side!

Medical Transport

Cross your fingers, say your prayers and all that jazz. The staff here are making a big push to the insurance company to cover medical transport of the fruit babies to California. There are many medically relevant arguments as to why it is unsafe to both fly commercially or drive. So here's hoping!

Oh, and Peaches and Plum are doing just fine. Plum is off oxygen and both are gaining well. But bradycardic/apenic issues are still ongoing, although mild. The Snake is reveling in spending special time with the grandparents in Phoenix.

Here's hoping that in the next week or so we are all back together

Where Is the Roundup?

Remember how I said the yellow brick road is a tad weed filled? Well, it seems Miss Peaches doesn't want to leave her brother just yet. As soon as I broadcast that she might be coming home, she promptly had several spells of bradycardia. So we are back to waiting. Most preemies need to have several days with no spells before the doctors will release them. Otherwise she is doing well and gaining weight -- she's over 5 lbs 8 oz now. We've even had some occasional success with breast feeding, but she is still not strong enough to exclusively nurse just yet.

Mr. Plum continues to need some oxygen support, but he is catching up to his sister at over 5 lbs 5oz. No word yet on the medical transport issue.

Of course now I have my own particular weeds to deal with. It would seem my milk supply has decided to suddenly plummet for no particular reason. I may have had a super mild cold that set things off, but this week my supply has simply cut itself in half. I'm trying to rest and started taking Fenugreek. Every time I express surprise at this new problem all the nurses and the lactation consultant say -- "uh, hello, could it be stress?" But I really don't feel all that stressed ... honest! My only responsibility right now is the babies. My friends whose house I'm staying at are out of town so I have the place to myself. I can come and go whenever I want. What is there to stress about? Maybe it's just left overs. Anyway, if my supply doesn't pick up by Monday, the consultant recommends trying Metaclop.rimide. Hopefully we won't need to go there.

I'm reading as many of you as I can, but can't comment too often. And a few of my favorites aren't in my reader and are bookmarked on the computer in Cali, so I'm missing you guys! Congrats to all those who have welcomed new family this summer and safe travels to all those yet to arrive.

The Emerald City ...

is on the horizon. But at times the yellow brick road has been overgrow with weeds.

Babies are doing well. In fact, Peaches (our little girl, cause that's what her cheeks look like) may be discharged TOMORROW! So I've been scrambling for last minute things.

However, Plum (our little man) has been sort of up and down. Overall, it is still forward progress, but the bottom line is that he just isn't strong enough yet. He still needs some oxygen support while eating. We have a new attending doctor this week and she is going to try and see if we can get insurance to pay for medical transport to California for Plum (yeah new doctor!). This would potentially be great. Making the cross-country drive with just one baby who is relatively strong would be much easier than with 2 preemies. So say your prayers to the insurance gods that this goes through.

Otherwise life continues to be crazy and I wish I had the energy to be clever and entertaining. But hey -- I've got to go buy a changing pad or I'll be sleeping in a bed with yucky stuff on it!

One Shoe On, One Shoe Off

The scabs are coming! Who would have ever thought this is a good thing? But my shingles seems to be starting to scab over, which means the non-infectious state is right around the bend. Woo Hoo!

My little boy is doing better, he had a transfusion the other day and they added Re.glan to the Pre.vcid for his reflux. He has gained weight and is back down to room air with the nasal canula. Little girl continues to best him and is over 4 lbs and into a regular crib. I have a feeling she will be ready for discharge before him. But they are both still having spells, however at least some of them are self-resolving. And neither are bottling very well, so they both still have to conquer the whole eating thing.

The Snake is here for the weekend and we went blueberry picking this morning. It was easy and fun, but hot! Now he and dad are off to the hospital to see the little ones (I'm jealous).

So things are looking up. Thanks to everyone for their encouragement!

One of the Other Shoes has Dropped

Just when I thought it couldn't get any more frustrating ... I started getting a rash. And it spread. Around the left side of my abdomen and across my back. But mysteriously stopped at my belly button and spine. Then it got redder and angry looking.

Solve the mystery? I have shingles. Yes, that's right, SHINGLES. That disease that old people get. And that means no more visits to the NICU, no holding my babies AGAIN.

Fortunately, Resident Boy was fairly quick to recognize it (despite having no dermatology expertise) and I saw the doctor quickly to start anti-viral meds. So hopefully those will shorten the course of things. Once my lesions start crusting over (lovely image right?) then I can go back to the hospital.

To top things off, my little boy is having more spells of bradycardia, or slow heart rate. To some extent this can be expected in preemies, but he was not having so many before and has been having them often the last few days. Plus, he did not gain much weight in the last couple days. The doctors finally started him on reflux medications, and we are waiting to hear results of some bloodwork. It is so frustrating that I can't go in to check on him tomorrow and talk face-to-face with the doctors. And my husband is leaving for his exam tomorrow morning and won't be back until late Friday night. So I have to do all the communicating by phone.

I just want to scream. I'm trying hard to just focus on how far our little man has come, and that he will get through this too.

Heading Toward 34 weeks

What is one of the most frustrating things for a mom with babes in the NICU? To get a COLD! That's right, the sniffles, the cough, the sinus congestion. Which means ... no baby holding.

Such was the evil that visited itself upon me last week. But I am finally healthy again, and so I held and bottle fed two babies today. They are doing well, both are gaining weight and improving at taking the bottle. But both still have spells of bradycardia and occasional apnea. We are entering our third week in the NICU, and likely have more to go. But we are pleased at their progress and eagerly awaiting their discharge. Unfortunately, it looks as though that may fall after Resident Boy needs to start work. So that means I may be making the transcontinental drive with some other family member instead.

Things have been busy with paying bills, organizing our stuff and shopping for a new car. And now that the babies are eating more, I really have to step up the pumping. Which sucks. I spend more time setting up and breaking down the pumping stuff than actually pumping. I can not wait to give them a try at breastfeeding, but I know that the pumping is still going to be happening for awhile, especially with the drive cross-county.

Oh, I need help (okay, lots of it but that is another story). I don't want to use the babies' real names, I don't want to use initials. They need nick-names, but I never came up with anything when they were in my belly -- and now I'm too tired to get really creative now that they are out. You know big brother is The Snake (for rhyming reasons), and Dad will need a new name now that he is no longer a resident. But I don't have much of a theme to work with. So I'm opening the forum for suggestions. Let me know what you think. I'll do my best to rack my brain too, but don't count on anything brilliant.

A bunch of little things happened on Friday (non-baby-related) that I want to blog about -- but they need my full attention and it is almost time to pump (again!). So look forward to topics like Pop-eye Transvestite and lipstick at the dinner table.

The Birth

Like the previous seventeen days in the hospital, June 26th began with a blood draw. Then a visit from the resident, the nurse's aid, the arrival of the breakfast tray. It was just like all the others. The morning routine had its own rhythm, unvaried over the course of my stay. No reason to think it would change. 31 weeks and 1 day.

By mid-morning the nurse arrived to set me up for monitoring of the babies' heart rates and any contractions. We had finally mastered getting the two babes tracings separated, as their chests were lying right next to one another in my belly. There was a little trick, which I showed each new nurse. Baby boy needed just the right angle, and like magic, there were two clearly different heart beats. But that morning turned out a bit different.

Initially, all was fine. But about half way through monitoring our boy had a brief deceleration in his heart rate, dropping down to the 80s before we lost his tracing altogether. His heart beat was quickly found again and he rebounded back to the 140s. The supposition was that he had briefly compressed his umbilical cord, not surprising with his low amniotic fluid levels from the rupture. We opted to monitor for a bit longer than usual, and just before stopping he had another deceleration. These episodes were not linked to any contractions, although I had been having some occasionally for several days, but without regularity.

The attending MFM sent me down to the Labor and Delivery floor for a period of continuous monitoring. Resident Boy arrived to be with me, and we got all set up for the duration. Still the consensus was that I would be there for the afternoon and likely return to the 5th floor by evening. Of course my darling surgeon husband cautioned me not to eat lunch, on the chance I was headed to c-section. I scoffed and teased him, as did the nurses. And promptly asked for at least a popsicle.

I lounged through a couple hours of monitor and a sonogram of the babies, with no relevant problems. A friend stopped by, ironically the friend whom I was visiting when my membranes ruptured. Then the labor/delivery attending stopped in to introduce himself. He asked basic questions, including asking if I was having any contractions. To which I answered no. Then Resident Boy watches as the tocometer begins to climb. The attending exits, commenting that I would likely be monitored for a bit longer and then be sent back upstairs. (Yeah, right) I promptly begin having the largest contraction I've had in the hospital, and proceed to continue contracting every 8-10 minutes. So much for going back to my cushy room up on five.

Baby Boy does not like the contractions. His heart rate routinely drops after each one, generally recovering fairly quickly. They quickly set me up with IV fluids and oxygen, have me lie on my left side to try and keep Baby Boy happier. The contractions do ease in intensity somewhat, but continue to come. The doctors briefly put out hope that maybe the contractions will stop, but my husband and I both know this is the end of bedrest.

By now it is evening and after about 40 minutes, the doctors concede that it seems unlikely that the contractions will abate. And our boy is still not liking them. The decision is made by all that c-section is the best choice to keep everyone safe. Luckily by this time, my last heparin dose is about 12 hours old, so I can have a spinal and be awake for the delivery.

Things move quite quickly from there out. Fortunately, the labor floor is quiet and everyone can move efficiently, but without being overly rushed. Resident Boy knows the anesthesia resident, and fortunately he is only days from completing his residency. (one week later, and I could have had a much greener resident) He does a great job with the spinal, and I am quickly prepped for the section.

Having never had any type of surgery before, the sensations were strange. I was fortunate not to get nausea or other types of side effects of the spinal. The surgeons delivered our little girl first, and I was relieve to hear a tiny cry from her. One minute later, our boy was delivered with a similar little cry. My husband was right there at the isolettes watching all that was done.

Within a few minutes it was determined that our girl would need intubation and likely surfactant to help her breathe. Our boy looked a little better initially, but within minutes required the same therapy. Everyone assured me they both looked very good and they were doing fine.

It was hard to hear everyone bustling around and caring for them, but not to be able to see anything. My husband popped back to me every few minutes, but most of the time I could not see him either. While they sewed me up, I still had not seen my babies. They whisked them off to the NICU, and I could hardly see into the isolettes. While I knew this was the best thing for them, it was difficult. And I was so disappointed that they needed to be placed on the ventilator. I understood how important it was for them to have that assistance, but I had secretly hoped that my babies would manage to avoid it.

My recovery from the spinal was smooth, and they took me up to the NICU to see my little ones. It was hard to just look at them. Not touch them or smell them. To see their faces covered with tubes and tape. To see just how tiny they were. To have too much knowledge, and to know all the pitfalls that could lie ahead.

As you may already know, we were blessed. So far these tiny infants have shown themselves to be incredibly strong and resilient. This week they have been making small strides in gaining weight, and the only tubes in their bodies are the nasogastric feeding tubes. We are so fortunate.

Shane David and Rebecca Ann, the first time they were reunited.

Transitions

Baby update:

Yesterday was the babies 1-week birthday, and we got a special surprise -- we got to offer them their first bottles. Our boy had to stay in his isolette since he still had an umbilical IV, but it was still wonderful. Initially the doctors had said they would need to be 33 weeks gestational age to try this, but they have been doing so well, that they decided to go for it. Both babies managed a few mls, and gave a few good suck-swallows (what google searches will that snag?).

Today, our boy had his umbilical IV removed and I got to hold him for the first time. He was very alert and looking all around. After we took the bottle away, he kept trying to suck his fingers or thumb and did a pretty good job at it! Our girlie was pretty pooped out today and didn't do as well as yesterday, but slept like an angel in Daddy's arms.

Mommy update:

Overall, I'm doing okay, but feel a little blue tonight. I'm healing quickly and thrilled the babies are doing so well. Our friends, who we are staying with now that the house is sold, are wonderful and generous with their space and time. I'm with my loving husband. But ... my first born has been away for nearly a month (staying with grandparents and aunt 2 hours away). When I was in the hospital, it was easy since it was impossible to care for him, and neither could Resident Boy while he finished work. But now we are both home and I am getting stronger. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to totally care for him on my own, and my husband has to study for his boards. The Snake is really enjoying the camp he is going to with his cousin, but tonight he apparently had a rough night. It gets tough for him right before he comes home for the weekend. And he knows I am home from the hospital, and it is hard for a 5-year-old to understand why he can't be with me now.

I'm struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. At the grocery the other day I was flooded with envy as a saw a pregnant woman. All those bitter IF feelings rose right to the surface. Why couldn't it have been easy for me? Why did these things have to happen to us? Why does our life have to be in chaos? That sense of unfairness just surged through me. I am confused at not feeling pregnant any longer. The entire experience just feels truncated. Amputated. Artificial. While I know that we are blessed that our babies are healthy and doing very well under the circumstances, I feel so disconnected from the entire situation. We sit and plan about car seats and what to do when the babies come home, but it feels unreal, surreal.

We are rootless. I exited the hospital and entered no-man's-land. I have no idea when we will reach California or how I will establish a home there. I never saw my first house again. I never took a moment to cherish the memories we made there. Our first home, our first child.

I am tired. I am tired of turmoil. I am tired of upheaval. I want simple mornings, peaceful afternoons, tranquil evenings. Unlikely any of that will come soon, I suppose.

Know that I am only a bit down tonight and need to spew these feeling out. I'm sorry that I so often share the tough days and not always the happy ones. Tomorrow the sun will shine, The Snake will be here and I will move forward. There will be smiles, of that I'm sure. And each time I hold my babies they will be bound closer to my heart.

Birth story and pictures soon, I promise.

No Longer Hangin' -- Babies Arrived

On Thursday, June 26 at 8:18 and 8:19 pm our little boy and little girl arrived via C-section (2.5 and 3.5 pounds respectively).

They have made huge strides in the four days they have been in this world. Initially intubated, given surfactant and placed on a ventilator -- now they are breathing room air. Both are now tolerating oral feedings through the OG tube. They are tiny, but look good.

The experience has been overwhelming and the logistics of our lives continues to be wildly complicated. But we are keeping our heads above water.

I'll post more with the birth story and updates soon. But tonight is my first night out of the hospital in 21 days, and it is time to sleep. Thank you for all your encouragement and support.

Still Hangin' In

Ahhh -- finally an internet connection! So this will be quick and not well crafted post, before I lose the connection.

First things first -- babies still in the belly. Ten days in and now at 30 weeks and 2 days. No signs of labor or infection so far. I have had a few more intermittent contractions the last 2 days, but I think the babies have grown too and there's been a lot of stretching and discomfort from that.

My only treatment now is twice a day heparin to prevent blood clots, and my vitamins and precious colace. The main thing is lots of monitoring to be sure the babies are doing fine. I get monitored 3 times a day, and those stinkers are not always cooperative. Occasionally we get a beautiful strip, but often they move around (especially the girl) and then we wind up monitoring only one baby. I was getting biophysical profiles daily, but since I tended to obsess about little boy's fluid levels (he's the ruptured one) they opted to go to every other, especially since I've been so stable.

One nurse compared each day in utero as saving us 3 days in the NICU. So today I had her again, and she congratulated me that with 10 days on bed rest I've saved a month in the NICU. Cool, huh?

But the tour we took of the NICU the other night was a bit daunting. I wasn't totally shocked by the size of some babies, but I just keep thinking about the fact that they were probably singletons, and my babies would not be as big as those I was seeing. Although I know twins mature a little faster and have that advantage, and that I received steroids -- it is still tough to think about how tiny less than 3 pounds will be. If I get through the weekend, I think we will finally get another full scan with the ultrasound tech and do measurements to estimate size. If they are both over that 3 pound mark I'll be happy, cause I think a lot of stats are better for babies over 1500 grams.

As for the rest of life, it seems to be falling into place as everyone has suggested it will. Resident Boy's family has arrived to stay in the neighboring Canadian city where The Snake is staying with his aunt. So there will be three adults to oversee him and his cousin. The in-laws also helped clean out a bunch of the house junk, and will help finish up again next week. Best of all Resident Boy's LAST day was today! Huzzhah! So, now he will focus on studying for his boards in July. He will forgo the review course that is far away. I was selfish and told him I was not comfortable with him being in a remote area of New England with no simple direct flights back to our city. Being on heparin means if I go for emergent C-section that I can't have a spinal or epidural, only general. I'm not happy about that in general, but especially not if he was out of town. Someone needs to be available to make medical decisions.

The Snake is doing okay with being away, but when his cousin goes to her father's on his custody days it's a little tougher for him. Last night he called and worriedly asked if he would have to spend the entire summer with his aunt. I told him I wasn't sure, but didn't think so, but we would have to see. How helpful was that? The uncertainty was hard for him (gee, where do you think he gets that from?). I'm hoping once the babies actually come and we have a better idea of time lines that we can settle him better.

I'd better post this before I lose my connection. Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes! I'll do my best to keep you updated. Hoping you all are doing well.

Status Quo

So far, so good. No fever, no signs of infection or labor. Our little boy is still making fluid and that is making it easier to feel them both now. They are driving the nurses crazy for monitoring as their heart rates are so often similar and then hang out right next to one another. The nurses can almost never get separate tracings of their heart rates.

Sonograms all look good so far. Now it is just waiting. My butt and back are getting stiff, but whatever.

The logistical nightmare continues. Our lawyer actually called saying the buyers of our house are getting all freaked out. Resident Boy was kinda upset being the lawyer should be working for us and more concerned about our situation. I'm going to handle it today. He got slammed yesterday trying to make up the on-call night he missed on Tuesday -- so he had been in surgery for 24 hours straight. I'm going to try and tackle the utilities issues and pay bills today as the WiFi seems to have spottily kicked in.

My brother should be out in Santa Monica receiving the moving delivery today. But we still haven't figured out who or how he will get the stuff into the apartment. Oh yeah, then the realty group give Resident Boy a hard time when he clues them in on our plans that they need a fax from him saying he gives my brother permission to get into our apartment. If we hadn't told them they wouldn't even have known. Liability issues in our country are just getting ridiculous.

Okay, better use the WiFi for more essential things before I lose it. I'll do my best to keep you updated. Thanks for all your support -- it really means a lot. I'm not a pray-er, but I'll take those too.

Big Changes

Last week was hard. But the packing got done. The moving pods got sent to California. We had a lovely time at the graduation banquet, and Resident Boy was surprised with an award. We celebrated The Snake’s 5th Birthday. All the grandparents had a great time and got sent home safely on Sunday.

Then Monday evening I felt a gush of fluid in the wrong place … three days before I was supposed to take a flight to LA. I am now in the local women’s and children’s hospital, on bedrest until the babies arrive. I will be 29 weeks tomorrow.

There are things in our favor. No pre-term labor at this stage. Both babies are cooking along. We are at the highest level NICU in the area (I’m fairly certain we are at Level 3). I recognized the signs and was at the hospital and on steroids and antibiotics within hours of the rupture. After the initial loss of fluid, things have slowed to a trickle. I am actually in the same city as my husband.

There are some things that are making our lives a logistical nightmare. The buyers of the house happened to contact our lawyer today and were wondering if we could close early – like this Friday (ha ha). Meanwhile, we were wondering if we could close later. Our official contract has the close at the end of the month, so we can hold them to that. But as for after, we will need housing.
The pods will be arriving in Santa Monica on Thursday. My brother and his girlfriend have decided to still go and meet it, but there is no one to help them unpack as yet. We’re working on it. Worse case, we pay more money and higher some mover guys to get the stuff in the place.
My husband was supposed to travel to New England for 12 days to go to a review course for his boards. Then in July he was supposed to be taking them. As we may now have me on bedrest for hopefully a few weeks time, and then babies in the NICU for an undetermined time – no one is sure how that will all work out. So there may be multiple flights to cancel for untold amounts of money.
Oh, and then there is that pesky 5-year-old who needs to be cared for. Many friends have stepped up and offered, as well as relatives from far reaches too. But we have settled on sending him to his aunt and cousin who are 2 hours away. His grandparents will be joining them there in about 10 days. That way he will be able to come and visit on occasion. He is having a tough time grasping things and doesn’t quite understand that Mommy isn’t coming home soon. But he is excited to go spend time with his cousin. Hopefully that will be enough distraction.
I am nervous but a bit resigned. Mostly I am sad at how this has created a disaster for my dear husband. He his handling it pretty well, but I know it is so very difficult for him. He is already exhausted from having to get all the packing done last week, and now this happens. I know he can handle it all and everyone says that the most important thing is for me to rest and focus on the babies. But it is more than hard. I have been the planner, organizer, logistical coordinator for the last 5 years. And now when the shit hits the fan, I can barely do anything. My room show 3 bars for WiFi but I can’t seem to connect. I’ll keep trying.
At my ultrasound today, they managed to get a 3D image of my daughter’s face. I cried. Please make this all turn out okay.

I am ... (updated)

I am finally packing.
I am getting bigger.
I am selling like a fiend on crai.gslist.
I am going crazy with my kid.
I am not sleeping.
I am having heartburn.
I am excited to shop in California.
I am paranoid the move will fall apart.
I am freaked at finances.
I am getting kicked (by babies) all the time.
I am tired of crappy weather.
I am networking in Cali.
I am going to 2 black tie events in one week.

I am TIRED.


Update: But I am happy, really. I think.

Painful Purchase

Today was painful. Not because I'm preparing for my second garage sale. Not because the weather here is so crappy that I have to have my heat back on and running regularly. Not because my son just finished a week-long asthma attack, complete with both albuterol and prednisone induced mania. Not because I have only four weeks left until moving.

Today was painful, because I spent over $150 on BRAS. Bras, for gosh sakes! And to top it off, guess how many that $150 got me? THREE nursing* bras. That's right, THREE!

I've officially out-grown everything I own. I tried breaking out the old nursing bras from The Snake, but no go. Much bigger this time. A lovely lady fit me in a boutique shop here. She acknowledged I'm a tough size. Small chest, HUGE cup-size. To top it off, I have a need for short straps. So my choices were pretty limited. sigh

Being that we are shelling out money hand-over-fist with this cross-country move, that was a tough purchase. We do have some cash coming in, with selling our stuff. But it's just not the same as what's going out. Everything will even out, but it's still painful.

Things are otherwise okay. The house sale is going forward. I've made an appointment with a doctor in California. We actually have an apartment in Santa Monica. We booked our flights to move out there and Resident Boy is coming with us for the weekend, along with my brother. The mover is booked. We still need to get rid of lots of our stuff and pack what we are taking, but it's slowly happening. We need to sell our car too.

Things with the babies are fine. I'm embarrassed I've never given them nick-names. I'm just sapped of creative ideas. Last week's growth scan showed both babies are growing and weigh about one and a half pounds. Although our little girl now also has some mild enlargement of one of her kidneys, and her brothers are still plump. I'm slightly stressed about it, but trying to forget about it since there is nothing to be done.

I'm still checking in on most of you and commenting when I get the chance. It's what I do when I take that 10 minute break to breathe. But I might drop off the radar at any point as moving day gets close. Hopefully we will get internet set up ASAP in Cali and I'll be back online. I'll need it for all the shopping and stuff that I'll need to do there.

Congrats to Leah and Ms. Planner on the arrivals of their precious bundles!


*obviously, I'm not nursing yet, but I found this is the only way to find a decent size and comfort, and hopefully they will still fit when my milk comes in. knowing my luck though, I'll explode even bigger.

Domino

I think the dominoes are starting to fall.

We finally got a bid on our house and reached an agreement. Inspection is tonight, and it looks like things may just fall into place. The sight-unseen apartment with the laundry is still listed with the property management company in Santa Monica. Resident Boy will try to see if we can still get it, or he will fly out to Cali in about a week to line up an apartment. We've planned our first big garage sale in two weeks. I need to figure out about the mover issues.

Today I realized -- in 6 weeks I will be moving to California. SIX WEEKS PEOPLE!

And today was a miserable rainy day in which I accomplished NOTHING. Oh well.

There will be packing, re-packing, selling, trashing and all sorts of other things to accomplish. I will need to meet new doctors, get The Snake settled, set up a new house, buy things for the babies.

And I'm glad all those dominoes are going to fall. I can't see what type of picture they make.

************************************************************************************

Sorry, guess you may want a babies update! Had a check-up yesterday at 23 weeks. Weight, good. Blood pressure, good. Pee, good. Heart beats, good. Heartburn started, Tums purchased.

Babies are kicking more regularly the last several days, and harder too. I'm a bit anxious as we approach the 24 week mark and that tenuous cusp of viability. I've been very luck thus far and things seem to be going just fine. There are more and more moments where I believe that we really are going to make it to the end. And then I get nervous that I'm jinxing myself. How incredibly difficult it could be if things go wrong in California, that something could even happen in the brief times I will need to be alone, without DH. I try not to focus on those possibilities, but they must be considered. And then if we do make it to the end, how am I going to manage two newborns, a kindergartner, and a new home all by myself.

One way or another, it will all work out, and we will survive and even thrive.
Right?

Request for Information

Hi Ladies! This is a special shout out to my IF gals. I have a good friend who is not a blogger who has been facing IF. She is double whammied with both PCOS and a balance translocation. Luckily, it seems that Metformin has finally done the trick and she is pregnant in her mid-first trimester. She is a little spooked after talking to her OB about whether or not to continue the Metformin through just the first trimester, or longer throughout the pregnancy. They have not made a decision yet.

I know some of you have been through this issue. Would you mind sharing your decision making process? I understand some circumstances may be different, but I thought I'd check in with you all. She has been through one other pregnancy and I don't believe she had gestational diabetes in that case, nor did she continue the Met.

Thanks for any advice you can offer! And if you'll cross your fingers for her too, I'd appreciate it. (There is still the translocation to worry about too.) Thanks guys!

Yesterday and Today

It's strange how one day can be so horrendously horrible, and the next so peacefully serene.

Yesterday an irritable preschooler pushed my buttons and drove me to the edge -- then over the edge. I did and said things a mother should not.

Today, a rested preschooler mostly said please and thank you; there was even smiling. And I was a mother who said and did the right things.

***********************************************************************************

Since I started blogging, I've found myself floating between several communities. I started out seeking support while traveling the rough road of infertility. But as a secondary IFer, I had other parts of my life to explore. So I began finding other "mommy" bloggers. Once we were blessed to find some success in the IF world, I needed to find others with experience in the multiples world (both spontaneous and assisted). I have been lucky to find a cohort of wonderful women who share so many of my interests and foibles. In the next months I'm not sure exactly what community I will fit best. I hope to continue being part of them all.

And now I have received my first bloggy award. Thank you Slouching Mom!


There are so many supportive special people I've encountered in all these communities. But I'll pick just a few to pass this on to:
JJ
Ms. Planner
Mrs. Chicken
Lori at Weebles Wobblog

No More Ants

I've been MIA. Did you notice? It has been a bit of a trend, no? Ah well, as usual, things have been crazy. Cause that's my world -- dead quiet, then crazy.

I was out of town for a bit visiting the folks in PA. We had a nice visit and I dumped more of my "not taking to Cali" stuff off at my brothers. Spent time with my Dad who is recovering quite well from his quadzillion bypass. Went shopping with my Mom for formal dresses for Resident Boy's graduation banquet. Found a rather nice one on sale at Ann Taylor Loft Maternity. Also picked up a bunch of maternity wear at a great consignment shop by my parents. So it was a good clothing trip for me!

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if things didn't go haywire while I was out of town. Resident Boy's clunker finally hit the wall. After hemorrhaging money into this car, we decided NO MORE. So he biked until I came back to town. Now we are down to one vehicle. So, no more freedom for me. But I do get priority for doctor appointments. He's get priority when he's on-call. I guess it will be good practice for LA when we will still only have one car. Oh, did I mention we can't find the title to sign it over to the mechanic for disposal? So I've got to get a duplicate, turn in plates and cancel insurance. Fun.

When I returned, we scrambled to tidy up for the open house that was scheduled. There was a good turn out, but still NO offers! Ugh. We decided to drop the list price. We knew it was high, and might have to come down. But we were really looking forward to making more money!

Now I am facing planning a garage sale, more house showings, finishing up more doctor appointments, figuring out how we are moving, where we are moving, having The Snake's birthday, giving my dog to in-laws for the next year, packing -- oh, and about a ton of other things. Not that I'm complaining, I mean I was asking for something to do the other week, right? Well, now I've got it.

Our next big decision is whether to spend even MORE money then we'd planned to live in Santa Monica so that I can have a place with laundry IN THE APARTMENT, plus with the elementary school a block away. I'm thinking YES. We're already going broke, right? Why not a little more broke?

I suppose you might want a baby update after all that junk? Things are fine. Growth check the other week was spot on. Little boy still has big kidney stuff, but no worse. I'm getting bigger, and bigger, but still feeling fairly good. A little bulky perhaps, but still getting around. They kick regularly and Resident Boy has been able to feel them. The Snake wants to, but doesn't have the patience to wait. I haven't taken belly pictures but have been thinking about it. I'm not sure about posting them. I haven't posted the sonogram pics either. I'm not sure about it.

I'll stop boring you with endless updates. Perhaps something more thoughtful in the next few days.

Antsy

No, spring has not brought creepy little insects in to my home. But it has brought an intense unsettled sense. My house is mostly cleans all the time, thanks to being on-the-market in this if-y market. I'm actually keeping up with the laundry. There is food in the fridge. My homemaking chores are essentially done. While the list of things to accomplish for our cross-country move grows. Yet I can't do any of them.

There will packing to do. Moving/garage sale to organize. Yet it is too early. With no home in LA identified yet I can't organize the movers or the move. The weather is still too yucky here (it SNOWED this morning) to set up the garage sale.

There will be a ton of things to purchase for these babies, but even though I have free time and feel good, I can't go shopping. We have decided to move with just the bare bones of our existence, and set up house in LA. There will be things needed for the new apartment, and decorating, but those too will have to wait.

So, I sit here in limbo. Antsy.

Update: Okay, the snow only lasted about an hour and didn't really even stick -- but it was still a bummer!

The Growth of Spring

Spring is struggling forth in my region, where winter typically hangs on with steely frigid claws until well into April. But this week, old man winter has been sent packing. And with a brief peak at spring, my mommy blues went to join him, at least for today.

As of late, parenting a nearly 5-year-old boy has been something of an unpleasant chore. Despite my best efforts, most moments were spent counting the minutes until school started or daddy would be home so I could be off-duty. Some of this is circumstances -- not too many preschoolers understand how maintaining your house in staged-for-on-the-market status is draining and means you have NO interest in building with legos. Some is developmental stage -- we are heavy into the it's not fair stage. Some is stress and fatigue, for both of us.

The last few weeks these feelings have given me a lot of guilt. Here I am, pregnant finally with two very wanted children. Yet I had no desire to parent my adored first-born. And while I heard the echoes of all those parenting books about positive reinforcement and quality time reverberating through my head, I just couldn't break out of that rut.

Then something clicked today. The stars aligned. The sun shone. We ate doughnuts.

Today I saw the face of that tiny little boy who would smile at me with a little sparkle. The boy who hovered around me waiting for a little kiss, then actually went to play on his own. And my big boy showed up to help me clean and put things away, without complaint. But sweetest of all, bedtime was peaceful, with a few silly moments tucked in.

I hope in the chaos of the upcoming months we can find a few more days like this, for my little boy is growing up.

Drumroll, Please

After almost 3 years of waiting, we will be welcoming ...

A Boy
and
A Girl

Our anatomy scan went fine. Measurements were right on cue and everything was in its place. The only little flag was some mild enlargement in the renal pelvises in our little boy. (This is where the urine collects before entering the urethra to travel to the bladder.) The enlargement wasn't technically "abnormal," but was larger than typically seen. Apparently this is more common in boys than girls and may be no big deal. They will track it and monitor, but there really is nothing to be done. If there is truly any problems, they would be addressed after birth.

My cervix measured fine (3.7) and no funneling. There was a subchorionic bleed, but the perinatalogist felt it was "small potatoes," although the nurse/tech said it was pretty big. I'm not spotting since the trip out west, so I'm going to not worry. (yeah, right. okay, not much)

We are very happy and just want all to continue to go well.

Oh, I asked The Snake what he thought the babies were ... he enthusiastically suggested 2 Boys! I told him Nope. His reply, Oh Man! Then I told him he would still get a brother, but also a sister. He seemed okay with that.

The Nature of Good and Bad

Yesterday I walked into the room to find Resident Boy studying for his upcoming boards this summer. He was watching a little video presentation about various fractures and injuries and their appropriate repair. The Snake had decided to join the study session.

So what do I find? My husband and son curiously examining a photo of a severely mutilated hand with multiple fingers missing. What does my 4-year-old say?

Ooh. That's not good.


Hmm, what does it say about us as parents that our pre-schooler is unfazed by such a site?

What Exactly Does Free Mean?

In our of recent musing about where to live in LA we were discussing the merits of University housing verses apartment dwellings. University housing includes high-speed internet and cable, something we have lived without for the past 5 years.

We were dreaming of the beauty of Santa Monica, but bemoaning the cost of all the utilities on top of expensive rent. So I jokingly suggested:

We could live TV-free for the year.

The Snake's reply:

But Mom, wouldn't that be stealing?

All the News that's Fit to Print

I keep promising you updates about all the happenings, yet keep putting it off because I'd like to do it in some sort of clever and entertaining manner. Since its clear that the time and creativity just aren't happening, I thought I'd just get it over with!

Telling The Snake THE NEWS
We brought him into our bedroom the morning after the NT scan. Reminded him about how he'd been asking for a sibling, then told him it looked like that was finally going to happen. He thought for a moment, his eyes lit up, and he said "Thanks MOM!" and leaned over to kiss my belly. Then we told him there were in fact 2 babies coming. He simply smiled.

Our subsequent trip to PA was filled with admonishing from him that I be a "good driver" to "keep the babies safe." One morning he came down and gave me a kiss, then insisted on giving me another one, then took my hand and put it to my lips and then to my belly -- because the 2nd kiss was "for the babies."

Lately his favorite questions are things like "are the babies punching yet?" and "oh mom, aren't the babies being sweet to you?" and "are the babies hungry? how do you know?" He has been a pretty good helper, but we've tried not to play the you need to be good because the babies are coming card. He is excited and often asks things like will he get one baby for himself, or can one sleep with him, etc. He has been clear that his preference is boys, and that 2 girls would not be acceptable. But he does understand that we have no control over this issue. Which he emphatically informed my BIL when he inquired what type of siblings he'd like.

Follow-up on my dad's by-pass
So far he has been doing fine. He has actually gotten off all the diabetes medication except the Metformin. I'm hoping that one will eventually go too. He says he's lost about ten pounds, which I'm sure will make him look older. I'm nervous to see him again. Last time we talked he sounded pretty depressed, but his personality is such that a long recovery will drive him crazy. And this is just not something you walk away from a week later. Since now there is a question whether he and my mom will come to WNY in June for DH's big residency graduation, I'm thinking of heading down again in mid-April. But it depends on lots of other things.

The BIG trip to LA
So we spent 3 days in LA, mostly in the Palms, Mar Vista and Santa Monica areas. It was too early to actually find and get an apartment, so our goal was to scope out neighborhoods and schools and such.

Our first mission was to check out the University family housing which we are eligible for, but are not certain whether we will receive and have the timing work. The complex is about 4-5 miles south of UCLA's campus, and about 4-5 miles from the Santa Monica hospital that Resident Boy will work at. With the babies coming and our need to buy a new car, we are facing going to one vehicle. So it was nice to see that the U housing is right on a major bus route that goes to both campus and Santa Monica. There is an elementary school about 3 blocks away, which is LAUSD but is considered one of the best in their system. There are some strip malls with in walking distance for me. We finished our tour feeling like, yes we could live there. Its definitely urban and big complex living. But there would be a built-in community and the school was close. And most key is the cost -- significantly lower than most LA apartments, and we could even have a 3-bedroom.

Next we went and checked out a few apartments in Santa Monica. And it was a whole different experience. We really liked the area north of Wilshire and around Montana -- basically filled with shops and boutiques. Very cute and fun. Lovely little houses and apartment buildings. We looked at a overpriced 2-bedroom and got good info from the agent. Who stated that with kids we'd really want Santa Monica for the schools. And they do look a little better cared for and nicer. We did a little more research and we probably could get a decent size 2-bedroom in that area -- but it will run about $1000 per month more. That's $12,000 -- practically an IVF cycle right?

So we have quite a dilemma. How much more in debt do we become? We really want to enjoy this year in a pretty place before we settle down for good. But if we live in Santa Monica, we might not be able to afford much else. And will I meet other moms there who might be able to help me out now and then? But it so nice. And I really worry about the quality of the school for The Snake. I know it's only kindergarten and I'm lucky he is very bright, so he will likely survive a poor experience. But I still want it to be good. Argh! Any advice, assvice or opinions are welcome.

Other News
We also just found out that DH's last day of work is later in June then we thought. He has to attend a board review conference for the last 2 weeks of June. So now there will be NO time between when he finishes work and the conference. We had planned to have him drive our car and stuff out to LA during that week, so that The Snake and I could get out to LA and be settled. I could be there if complications with the babies came up and establish a relationship with a doctor. Now it looks like he won't be free until early July, and he need to study to take the boards on July 18th. So he is freaking out about how we are going to do the move. We may have to consider eating a chunk of money and paying movers, maybe buying our van out in California. I don't know what we will do. I could stay in WNY longer and wait to go with him in July -- but if anything goes wrong then I could get stuck here until the babies come. I DO NOT want to have these babies with my husband in another state! It's just so tiring to have it be so complicated.

Anatomy scan on the 31st. I can't wait. Meanwhile I'm scrambling to get the house immaculate for the realtor to put it on the market. The next 6 months are going to fly.

Forward Progress

Sorry for the doom and gloom. I'm doing much better, really. Sunday and Monday were sunny days here which did wonders for my attitude. And overall, I feel much better physically. I actually had a little surge of energy yesterday and got quite a few little things accomplished around the house. Hopefully today I can follow through.

The spotting was really short-lived, and I still feel the babies regularly. So I really think things are fine. I think the spotting-after-flying thing just really freaked me out since our current plan was for me to fly cross-country in June when I'd be around 30 weeks. While I'm aware this is generally not ideal with twins, it seemed better to take a 4.5 hour flight than spend 4-5 days sitting in a car. But after the spotting, I'm not sure now. I will discuss it with the OB in 2 weeks at my appointment. Ironically, this will be the first appointment I actually meet one of the doctors, as I've only seen the nurse practioner so far.

My only pregnancy symptom issue now is the insomnia. Bad insomnia. I'm waking at least 3-5 times per night. I got a snoogle body pillow and that has helped my back, but I'm still waking up. And waking the DH up too, so he is exhausted. I feel so bad for him, but he won't let me sleep elsewhere since he says that keeps him up too.

Okay, there is lots to share about the trip west and our plans, but I've got to get my day going. So more to follow soon! Thanks again for all your sweet thoughts and support, they really matter.

Evil Anxiety

There are so many things to share about from the last two weeks, but I'm feeling so strange today. Some how I'm just overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness. The trip out west went okay, but after each 4 hour flight I had some light brown spotting for 12-24 hrs. No cramping or other symptoms and each event seems to be over. But today my abdomen just feels intermittently tight and uncomfortable (probably just stretching, but of course I doubt). I'm tired but not able to really sleep. I have a mild headache from not really doing anything all day. I have no appetite. I get dizzy easily (this has been happening throughout on occasion).

I just feel intensely sad and worried. Which is so ridiculous since I've been able to feel movement for a more than a week. I'm 16 and a half weeks and have felt the babies even today -- although my mood has me convinced that it is less than other days. I just can't shake this spooked feeling.

I've finally caught up with my back log of blog posts, and was disappointed to find more sad news lately. Of course there are some who are doing just fine, but is it easier to focus on the bad today. What is wrong with me!?

Our trip to LA was helpful, although we still don't know exactly where we will live. There are literally a 1000 things to get done in the next 2 weeks and I don't fathom how it will all happen when I feel so BLAH. Of course we came home to gray, rainy weather and over a foot of melting snow -- so that's not helping. I am lucky that my lovely DH is home this weekend, and he is keeping The Snake out of my hair. He has been so good to me lately, as always. He is positive things will all be fine, both with the babies and our year in LA. I just can't seem to latch on to that today.

I know I should just let go, chill out today and hope that tomorrow is better. I'll try.

Surgery, Diabetes, Vomiting -- Oh My!

I still owe you funny, clever stories about The Snake's reaction to the news, but thought I'd just update on all that has happened the last week. Thanks again for all the good wishes for my dad.

Last Wednesday my dad had his chest ripped open and four arteries grafted to his heart to improve the blood flow to his muscle. He was highly tolerant to the pain meds and it took them an extra hour to get him settled in his bed post-op. But he came off the ventilator by that evening and most of his time in the hospital was unremarkable. Oh, except for the little diabetes that seems to have reared its ugly head.

My dad has a sweet tooth. And he indulges it. However, his routine blood work has never necessitated any further investigation into a diabetes diagnosis, although his fasting sugar is at the high end of the normal range. His younger brother has battled the disease for a number of years. So this event has been a little tough for him. He has been discharged on 2 oral medications for diabetes, as well as a long-acting insulin shot once a day. He checks his sugar 4-5 times a day at this point to track how things are going. The doctors say the condition may not be permanent or at least may improve, but they can't be certain. It may have been kicked off by the intense trauma/stress to his body from the surgery.

So I stayed back in Pennsylvania until he came home from the hospital, to help my mom and brother (who lives with them) get him settled. My folks have been pretty healthy so aren't hugely medically savvy and dealing with all the heart meds and diabetes meds and monitoring was pretty overwhelming. But things quickly got settled, and I finally had to get back to return The Snake to school and be sure Resident Boy had not completely demolished the house.

Of course I arrived home to dog poop in the basement, pee on the rug, dog hair all over everything, and no food in the house. It wasn't the dog's fault -- Resident Boy didn't pick up her prescription diet and she got sick. And I have a week to clean it up, work on the taxes, organize a bunch of things, go to 2 doctors appointments and prepare to leave again for another week. We are heading out west to scope out neighborhoods in LA (The Snake will stay with his other grandparents in AZ).

Oh, and did I mention that the advent of the 2nd trimester brought along puking? Only a couple of times, but now I have these occasional waves of full-on, intense nausea. And the fatigue -- oy vey. I'm happy, absolutely. But I just don't know how everything is going to get done. And it is SO much colder here! I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep, which I did this afternoon.

This turned into a rant, huh? Well, I wish that I'd gotten a few more things done today, but I'm trying to remember that gestating 2 babies is tough work. And my primary job. But its hard when I can't see or feel them and just feel wrecked.

I did finally catch up on all my blogs tucked away in my reader! So while I didn't comment much, I know what you all have been up to, for the most part. I'd missed my daily check-ins! More fun and interesting things to follow, while I'm resting between loads of laundry.

Cabbage

Well, my Dad's procedure went okay, except that they couldn't address his problem medically. He needs surgery. He's having beating heart by-pass surgery today, probably a triple. He generally in very good health, so we are being positive that all will be fine. His care has been very good so far, and we are confident he will make a good recovery.

Telling The Snake was fun and I'll fill you in on all the silliness when I get home. Needless to say, he is excited.

Thanks for all the good wishes and prayers. I'll let you know how things went.

First Trimester Scan

Last night I developed an intense tension neck/headache. I guess the NT scan was worrying me more than I thought.

Both babies look fine. They were less than cooperative, but all the measurements were around 1.2-1.4 mm for both babies. This practice also takes a drop of blood (I think for free beta hCG levels) which is factored into the statistics -- so I won't have and risk factor info for another week. But the ultrasonographer said she would be surprised for us to have any indications to need CVS. And of course the question becomes, would we really risk losing both babies if there was a problem with one? Its something we will discuss extensively, but I think we've come so far to get these babies, I'm not sure we could take any chances.

I got to see facial bones, heart (and HEAR the heartbeats for the 1st time!), stomach, bladder and arms and legs. It was amazing. Baby A was very active, while Baby B was rather quiet. Neither wanted to give the tech the view she needed. But she was very patient and finally after we took a bathroom break for me, we got all the measurements. The babies seems to be side-by-side with the placenta at the top -- so no placenta previa worries. The tech also noted a possible small subchorionic bleed, and that may have contributed the strange "fluid event" from 2 weeks ago.

While we can't be sure, there are some suspecious other apendages. One definitely seemed to have some equipment, and the other may too, although she was less sure with the second. As long as one is a boy, then The Snake will be happy. He has been VERY clear that he wants a "baby brudder." I'll be happy if they both arrive safe and sound.

I think we will tell The Snake tonight. It will be interesting, to say the least. Then, in the morning, I'm packing up and heading to see my folks and friends in PA since The Snake has off school for the week. I'm hoping its a joyful trip, but there are some potential downers. I found out this week that my dad is going to have cardiac catheterization, and possible stent placement if needed, on Monday. And I will be trying to see MW and MM, our friends facing a terrible cancer diagnosis. Regardless, I'm sure it will be an emotional week with both highs and lows. I'll try to keep you updated. Thanks for all the support lately.

Mis-Scheduling Mishap

As the clock ticked closer to noon, I became more anxious and cranky.
Come on Snake! Get those boots on!
I hand him off to the neighbor to walk to school and bolt down the road to the office. I arrive only to find the receptionist is not expecting me today. My appointment is scheduled for ... TOMORROW.

So, no NT scan today. No telling The Snake just yet. Not quite so special a Valentine's Day.

But we will love one another anyway. And kiss and hug. And tomorrow can be special too.

A lovely day and lovey day to you all!

Half Dozen Things

Adriane tagged me awhile ago for 6 things things about me.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

So here goes:

1.) When I'm done brushing my teeth I have to rinse 3 times. Like I HAVE TO, not one, not four, but 3 times exactly. Freak, I know.

2.) I can't watch TV if there is a video box or something sitting on top. Drives me bananas. Freak, I know.

3.) I don't like pickles on my burger.

4.) I don't know how to classify myself. I was a urbanite for years and loved it, but then had to get out. There are times I'd love to get away and disappear into the rural landscape. Somehow I'm stagnating here in surburbia.

5.) I used to do really intricate counted-cross stitch. Like the kind on linen where you count the threads instead of using aida cloth, and where you blend tons of shades and lose place of just what color is that. But then I got some mild carpal tunnel issues and couldn't do the type of projects I liked anymore.

6.) I hate shoe shopping. Wait, don't disown me yet! I have a good reason. I have flat feet and bunions and have had foot pain since my mid-20s. So I really need these big chunky orthotic supports that really only fit in sneakers and some chunky boots or oxfords. I refuse to buy "old lady" shoes, but can't afford the nice European comfort shoes. So I'm stuck in my New Balance.

Okay, now for the tagging. I'll nominate a few new friends, Rebecca, Katie and Makingpeace. I also owe Fizzledink a different meme, so I promise to work on that one soon.

Tomorrow is the big NT scan. I was getting a bit nervous, but lately I can hardly sit with out feeling my poochy stomach, so somebody is growing in there. I'm trying to be all zen about it. Trying. It seems we will be telling The Snake if all looks good on the scan. In many ways I wanted to wait, but things are really starting to pick up with arranging our move to LA. I'm worried with all the stuff of putting the house on the market and arranging the move, that he is going to need more time to adjust to these babies entering his life. I could be shooting myself in the foot, but if it gets me a little more help from him in day-to-day life, I'm hoping its worth it. I'll just have to listen to -- "are they coming today?" -- every day. Maybe I'll get earplugs.

Not

I have not gotten my house clean.
I have not managed to get my shower/tub drain fixed.
I have not packed for my trip this weekend.
I have not folded 4 loads of laundry.
I have not cooked dinner.
I have not ironed my husband's work shirts.
I have not found a realtor.
I have not touched up the damaged paint to sell the house.
I have not paid the bills.
I have not organized last seasons old pre-schooler clothes for consignment.
I have not started the taxes.
I have not returned the library books or movies.
I have not stocked the freezer to feed my DH while I'm away next week.
I have not picked up dog food.
I have not ... achieved very much lately.

It is bitter cold, snowing and gray. I am tired. sigh.

Lessons in Futility

With our lives on verge of so much change, I decided it is time for the pre-schooler to become more independent. Honestly, it had nothing to do with the raging hormones that morning.

I advised The Snake that I would no longer be giving advice on matching his clothes, and that he would need to perform the entire task of dressing on his own. I was certain he was capable, and had in fact witnessed this accomplishment on rare occasions.

Typical of his age, dawdling ensued. There was plenty of sitting on the bed naked and reading of books. Eventually I completed my own morning rituals and announced I would be heading downstairs to breakfast. Note: the general rule is to administer The Snake's allergy/asthma meds and brush teeth prior to a trip to the kitchen. Therefore, my announcement resulted in hysterical tears. I assured him we would complete those tasks after breakfast, but I was no longer going to nag constantly remind him to "get dressed."

While eating, I tried to scare the bejesus motivate him to start his morning on his own by reminding him that next year he would be in kindergarten and need to go to school in the morning.

His reply: Good thing I'm still in Pre-k, huh Mom? And I go in the afternoon.

You don't want to know how things went when I announced I'd no longer be wiping his butt either.

I Want Spring

For more Wordless Wednesday visit here.

With Sadness

I send my thoughts and prayers to Mary Ellen and Steve. I will remember your girls.



I haven't posted about this since I really couldn't find the words to express how saddened I am over this loss. I was touched by this post by an eloquent blogger who seemed to convey it all.

Ten Weeks

What would you think if you stood up, felt a gush of fluid from you hoo-ha, rushed to the bathroom and found your panties soaked with pink-tinged liquid? Fun, huh? It wasn't blood, I did NOT pee myself -- so what was it?

If you can tell me, I'll gladly send you some sort of prize. Cause my new OB practice hasn't a clue. Fortunately this whole scare started last night, and my first OB appointment was this afternoon. Although I did wind up calling the triage nurse this morning since I was also having some tightening and discomfort during my morning shower. The nurse was less than pleasant, which did not exactly make me excited about this new clinic. Top that off by an hour wait to be seen and I'm a little hesitant to offer any gold stars.

Anyway, luckily they did a sonogram first, and everybody looks fine. Both babies were present and accounted for, no one had secretly escaped on a wave of fluid. Heart rates were spot on around 170 and measurements tracked with all the previous ones, at 9w3d today which has been typical. All measurements have been several days behind, so we suspect some late implanting. Baby A was pretty wiggly, and Baby B looked to be sleeping. They sit side by side in separate sacs, with plenty of fluid. The tech could find no subchorionic bleeds or pockets of fluid, so no explanations.

I met the CNP for my visit, no doctor today. She did the full exam and we went over everything. She seemed very nice, and used to work in an infertility clinic on Long Island, as well as having a daughter via IVF. I need to schedule the NT and the second trimester screens with a radiology specialist. Lots of blood work to do also.

Yesterday I felt awful. Today I feel better (at least after the appointment). But the migraines aren't finished. If I go to the grocery store or the mall, they crank up like mad and I want to crawl in a hole and die. As long as they will get better, I hopefully can make it. I'm just worried they might persist. Cross your fingers for me.

Sorry for the boring post. The Snake went to the allergist this week and that will be fun to tell about, but it will have to be another day.

Status Quo

I'm fine. I was tired of seeing the pity party post. The nausea is better, headaches better but still around. Pants tight. I can't believe I have to wait another WEEK until my OB appointment! What was I thinking? I could have been seen today, but I would have had to make childcare arrangements. So I opted for next Thursday afternoon. Ugh.

I wish I had the energy to creatively tell you about my recent issue with The Snake -- but I don't. Basically he has been waking up in the middle of the night, trying to get in bed with us. Every night. Multiple times a night. We have not permitted that in many, many, many months. And if it happened it was only because I didn't wake up when he tried. Last night it started at about 12:30 am and went on every 1-2 hours until Resident Boy rose at 5 am. Needless to say, I wound up screaming insanely at a 4-year-old who was definitely not going back to sleep. Not pretty.

I think Resident Boy is right, that it is likely related to anxiety over the frequently discussed move to LA. Yesterday was kindergarten registration, and his Pre-K is part of the elementary school. So all his friends were getting signed up, but we will be leaving. Plus, I suspect he suspects something else is up (ie the babies). But I'm just not ready to tell him. Especially without a recent ultrasound under my belt. I'm employing some new strategies tonight, so we'll see how it goes.

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Please send some love to some friends who need it:

My dear cyclesista Tracey is suffering a loss. Please send support.
JJ and Mook got disappointing news after their FET.
LAS is having a nerve-wracking appointment tomorrow.

Thanks

Thank you so much for the condolences and good wishes for my friends. I promise to keep you updated, as I'm sure this will not stop being a part of my life. Thanks also for the help with the knitting stuff and food ideas. I knew I could count on you guys, I really appreciate you're including links to sites and everything! I'll let you know how my project is going.

There's not much to say except I feel awful. I feel bad complaining, because I know some people have had that hyperemesis issue, and I'm not even puking. But I feel like I should ALL THE TIME. And the migraines with dizziness don't help. I'm taking tyel.nol now and then, but it only does so much. I tried ginger altoids, and they definitely do help -- but they taste terrible!

I just can't seem to get much done. And the weather is crappy, super cold and snowing, so I don't want to run errands. I feel useless. Ugh. I know it will get better. But I'm starting to think about calling my new OB office to see if they can either see me earlier or prescribe something. I can't believe it's only been a week since my last RE visit. It feels like its been ages, and will be ages longer until I'm close to 12 weeks. And what will I do if the migraines last longer!?

One day at a time, I suppose. Sorry for the pity party.

I Hate Something Bad

Yesterday Niobe was posting about the phrase "nothing bad has happened yet." (NBHHY) I'd only recently come across this phrase/philosophy. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I could see how it is an attempt to just live in the moment. Yet the fear and implication of impending disaster was disheartening as well. I decided to mull it over a bit before commenting.

I'd decided that I would finally call my best friend M to share our news of the babies. I was excited to pick her brain, as she has (non-ART) twin girls who are just turning one this month, as well as an older son. I was looking forward to living in the moment for a change, and talking about minivans and strollers and breastfeeding.

Before I knew it the world was looking very different. After briefly saying hello and both of us apologizing for being out of touch since the fall, the day simply shattered. My friend, MW, who has felt more of a sister to me than my own, began to fill me in the last couple weeks in their lives. Her husband, MM, had been having some health issues lately. I knew that MM had a history of atrial fibrillation, so was concerned he was having troubles again. Then she reveals he has had a colonoscopy and a rectal mass was found. I'm surprised, but not yet shocked. Then she calmly goes on to say the biopsy was suspicious for malignancy. Again, I'm upset but still hopeful for a good outcome. But the last shoe drops. A CT scan shows metastatic lesions in the liver, and possibly lung. I am speechless. This is something bad. Very bad.

This is the couple we have asked to be our son's legal guardians, despite many siblings in both our families. This is the couple who helped us get an apartment next to them when we had our big rottweiler. This is the couple who cooked dinner with us many nights a week for 2 years. This is the couple that we drank wine with and played cards until late in the night and then stumbled across the hall to our own beds. This is the couple who held my hand while we tried for our first child. MW was present and held my hand at the birth of that child. This is the couple we have considered relocating to be closer to. These are our friends.

MM is 35-years-old. Rectal adenocarcinoma with metastatic lesions has a 5-year survival rate of 10%. That means 90% of patients are dead in 5 years. He will likely need multiple surgeries, extensive chemo and possibly other adjuctive therapies. Their son is 4 and the twin girl are not even a year old yet. My heart is breaking.

I feel horribly frustrated that we live a day's drive away. Here I am, not working. I could do so much for them, if only we were closer. I know there are things I can (and will) do. Sending care packages, messages, listening. But I so wish there was more.

Right now, they don't even have a complete diagnosis yet. They will to talk with many doctors before settling on the plan. I still have hope. He is young, strong, otherwise healthy and motivated. But their normal life was difficult and harried. This future is going to become unbearable.

I welcome suggestions of ways to help. Since it seems that some form of chemo will be inevitable, I'd like to knit MM a cozy hat. I know many of you are knitters. Can you help me? I need a simple pattern, as I am a beginner. I've never knitted in the round, but hear it's easy. Then I need recommendations for some super soft yarn. Most of the projects I've done use cheapy stuff from the craft store. I want something luxurious.

I am not religious. But I can't help but ask for prayers and good thoughts for my wonderful friends.

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Thanks for the suggestion to head to TEAM WHY MOMMY. I've actually been to Toddler Planet before, and was planning on heading back for advice. Thanks for the reminder.

All Out of Clever

Not that I'm a comic genius, but I haven't much to say. I've bandied about a few nice post ideas, but can't seem to get committed. First trimester illness (FTI) has set in and is in full force. I am nauseous all the time, have no appetite, I am tired in the day and can't sleep at night, and my ocular migraines are back.

Okay, was that whining? Opps, sorry.

Obviously I am thrilled at this pregnancy. Terrified of complications, but thrilled nonetheless. But I refuse to fall into that trap that I'm not allowed to be miserable if my body decrees so. And it is. So I am.

Today was actually a bit better. But I guess I'm realizing that with the whole 2 babies thing, that means double whammy of FTI. I know others have had a much worse time, so I really can't be too grumpy. And I could handle it better if it weren't for the headaches and dizziness. I am hoping that with weaning the progesterone that the migraine stuff will abate.

And so, I'm off to attempt to cook something for dinner that will perhaps appeal to my roiling belly. But probably not.

7w6d

The scan went fine. Two babies, two heart beats. I feel incredibly lucky. Especially after reading about this sad event last night.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm intermittently ecstatic and fearful. This is exactly what I'd hoped for, yet it feels very unreal. I'm overwhelmed of all the things I'll need to accomplish in a few short months.

And so, I'm off to nap instead.

Pre-Scan Jitters

Facing tomorrow with trepidation. Scan will be in the afternoon. I will be 7w6d.

Its possible that it could be a beautiful moment. My husband will be coming with me. We could see these babies with heartbeats and limb buds and smile at one another. Perhaps I'll shed tears of joy.

Or it could be very different. I hate feeling like the classic IFer full of doom and gloom. In reality, I'm still having nausea, some mild fatigue, and my ocular migraines have returned -- so there really isn't any indication that things have gone wrong. But now I know so many of your stories, and it is hard not to have some fear before this appointment.

We do still excitedly talk of car seats, cribs and such. But I still can't help by adding that typical if this works out or assuming things are fine. Its tiring. I keep telling myself that if we can get to 12 weeks that I will let go of the concerns. I WILL enjoy this experience. Although even if I can achieve that lofty goal, I think our lives will get so crazy with selling the house and moving to LA that I might not have much chance.

Circle

Growing up I was never the girl with a big circle of friends. I had one or two that I spent time with through childhood. Of course, my parents disapproved of them. In college, there were even fewer. My sister was the one who joined a sorority, lived in a house full of young women, took vacations to the beach with an entire brood. Not me.

Since beginning this blog I've been startled by how easy it has been to connect with women to whom I can relate. And not just because of our shared journey through IF. I have found other women in the sciences, women who love to write, women who yearn for a more balanced life. I have found those who share my hobbies, like photography and knitting. I have found lovely, educated, spiritual (not necessarily religious), grounded, thoughtful and giving women.

This experience has done so much more than give me a support system or community as I travel through IF. It has provided me that circle of women friends that I often yearned for but never found.

Thank you.

Double Your Pleasure

Well, after all those borderline doubling betas ... it looks like we will be doubling our fun!

That's right, two sacs, two heartbeats. I'm in shock.

The betas were so lowish, and with the spotting last week -- I really thought there had been a vanishing twin. But it looks like it decided to stick around after all. The measurements for both are 3-4 days behind the 6w5d we are at, but the RE is not concerned. Heart rates were 112 and 117. They want me to return again in one week before stopping the PIO, then I'll be released to an OB (which I don't have).

I am still totally floored. Thrilled, excited and very scared. This means our move to LA will have to totally be re-thought. The logistics and the health insurance issues are scary. I know it will all get worked out, and in the end it will just mean spending more money -- but its a little daunting. I'm trying to push all that aside and just enjoy this moment. This amazing moment.

Resident Boy is in surgery and I haven't been able to talk to him yet. So I can't publish this or call my mom or anyone else until he calls! Aaahh! Okay, got the call, so now I can post. More info to follow soon.

Out, out damn spot

Still no more spotting. Feeling particularly pukey today and wiped out. Cool huh?

Scan tomorrow afternoon at 6w5d. Hoping for the heartbeat.

I'll let you know.

Gone

Now its gone again. Its like I'm having little bursts of bleeding at the end of the day, then its is over by morning. The cramping was the scary part and lasted about 2-3 hours. This morning I feel much more nauseous, so I'm figuring the levels are going up.

I thought I'd call the RE today, but I just don't want to. Thanks chicklet, for wanting to get me more tests. And in one way that might make me feel better, but the reality is that until I hit 12 weeks with a heartbeat, I don't think I'll settle down much. I'm just going to try to hold out to u/s on Monday.

Then DH and I fought last night cause he said something typically inappropriate, so of course I returned the favor and we didn't do much to make each other feel better.

Thanks for feeling bad for me. Thanks for not saying too much. Thanks for being there.

Again

Spotting, again. This time with more reddish-ness and more cramping. I'm worried.

I know this can be normal etc., etc., etc.

I'm trying to remain calm. Hopefully it will be over in the morning like last time. But it's hard to believe this could be a good thing.

More wait and see.

Tease *Updated*

It's official -- my body is a tease (bitch). After a quiet dinner where all 3 of us toasted with sparkling cranberry juice, DH and I watched a movie. I was planning on breaking our recent stretch of celibacy since yesterday's news had been so good. It seemed like a nice way to bring in the new year.

Then I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Yup, spotting (bitch). Only rose-brown, very scant, but definitely there. I'd had a little mild tightening/cramping earlier, but that had been going on periodically before. I thought that I would freak out, but I just feel defeated. I know this could be normal. Perhaps just shedding that extra sac-like thing. This really could be nothing.

But I still feel a vague tightness in my pelvis; there is still scant discharge. The worst part is I know this torment will probably go on for days. I will not know how this is going to end for awhile. So that bitch just keeps teasing me.

I'll wait before contacting the RE. No point. Too early for them to be able to tell me anything. I suppose if this goes on, I'll call to repeat the beta in a few days.

When I made my coffee the sun came out and the lawn was covered with fresh snow. Now the clouds have rolled in. It's gray and dim.

*************************UPDATE******************************************

It is still gray and cold and snowing. But the spotting seems to have stopped. Phew. Whether it was a remnant sac or old implantational blood, I don't care. So long as it doesn't come back. Thanks for all the encouragement and communal worrying.

And Lori, the movie was excellent. Of course, we love this series and have seen them all multiple times. I recommend a marathon, especially if you haven't seen the early ones in awhile. (plus we know one of the stuntmen who works these films, and we love to watch and try and guess what parts he might have done)