Friday, July 4, 2008


Baby update:

Yesterday was the babies 1-week birthday, and we got a special surprise -- we got to offer them their first bottles. Our boy had to stay in his isolette since he still had an umbilical IV, but it was still wonderful. Initially the doctors had said they would need to be 33 weeks gestational age to try this, but they have been doing so well, that they decided to go for it. Both babies managed a few mls, and gave a few good suck-swallows (what google searches will that snag?).

Today, our boy had his umbilical IV removed and I got to hold him for the first time. He was very alert and looking all around. After we took the bottle away, he kept trying to suck his fingers or thumb and did a pretty good job at it! Our girlie was pretty pooped out today and didn't do as well as yesterday, but slept like an angel in Daddy's arms.

Mommy update:

Overall, I'm doing okay, but feel a little blue tonight. I'm healing quickly and thrilled the babies are doing so well. Our friends, who we are staying with now that the house is sold, are wonderful and generous with their space and time. I'm with my loving husband. But ... my first born has been away for nearly a month (staying with grandparents and aunt 2 hours away). When I was in the hospital, it was easy since it was impossible to care for him, and neither could Resident Boy while he finished work. But now we are both home and I am getting stronger. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to totally care for him on my own, and my husband has to study for his boards. The Snake is really enjoying the camp he is going to with his cousin, but tonight he apparently had a rough night. It gets tough for him right before he comes home for the weekend. And he knows I am home from the hospital, and it is hard for a 5-year-old to understand why he can't be with me now.

I'm struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. At the grocery the other day I was flooded with envy as a saw a pregnant woman. All those bitter IF feelings rose right to the surface. Why couldn't it have been easy for me? Why did these things have to happen to us? Why does our life have to be in chaos? That sense of unfairness just surged through me. I am confused at not feeling pregnant any longer. The entire experience just feels truncated. Amputated. Artificial. While I know that we are blessed that our babies are healthy and doing very well under the circumstances, I feel so disconnected from the entire situation. We sit and plan about car seats and what to do when the babies come home, but it feels unreal, surreal.

We are rootless. I exited the hospital and entered no-man's-land. I have no idea when we will reach California or how I will establish a home there. I never saw my first house again. I never took a moment to cherish the memories we made there. Our first home, our first child.

I am tired. I am tired of turmoil. I am tired of upheaval. I want simple mornings, peaceful afternoons, tranquil evenings. Unlikely any of that will come soon, I suppose.

Know that I am only a bit down tonight and need to spew these feeling out. I'm sorry that I so often share the tough days and not always the happy ones. Tomorrow the sun will shine, The Snake will be here and I will move forward. There will be smiles, of that I'm sure. And each time I hold my babies they will be bound closer to my heart.

Birth story and pictures soon, I promise.


bleu said...

Oh luv, this is the place to vent. this is one of the beautiful things about blogs.

Sending much much love and gentle times ahead soon.

Kate said...

I am so sorry that things are in such upheaval, but I am so glad to hear that the babies are doing so well. I hope that everyone can be reunited soon.

Aurelia said...

I understand the truncated. I felt like that for the first 24 hours after I gave birth when mine was in the NICU.

Trust me, it will be different soon when you get them home. In the meantime, get well, get strong, eat, take vitamins, do whatever you have to do.

Tash said...

I'm so sorry about your son -- I have some small inkling about how difficult that is and the overwhelming guilt involved. Like Aurelia said, try and get stronger now at home -- it will make everything quicker and easier in the long run.

Wishing you all the best. Hang in there.

Adriane said...

I can't imagine the state of limbo you're in right now. Truly. I admire your strength so very much. I would be a complete mess without my home, my son, my babies, etc. Not being able to say goodbye to that house must be terrible. The only thing you can do now is look forward.

Thank God your little ones are thriving in the hospital. Can't wait for pics! Hope you are getting rest!!

Ms. Planner said...

Oh sister. I kind of know what you feel like when the pregnancy ends and you are not quite ready to have it end.

I'm counting on my life-will-look-so-much-different-in-six-months credo here. I know 6 months seems like an eternity when you have newborns and no house to call your own. I know that you will get settled and you will have a beautiful new life with your 3 healthy children in sunny California. Sending you a big fat hug - bc it sounds like you really need one.