Creeping in ...

Hope is creeping in, creeping in. Today I feel stuff happening in those little ovaries. Little uncomfortable on the left, little twinge on the right. I keep hoping that I'm the tortoise and slow and steady will win the race. We'll see at US tomorrow.

There has been a lot of recent chats in the blogosphere about hope, choices and adoption (The Oneliner, Serenity). So I thought I'd share a little of my (sorry, our) journey on some of those topics. Not that we have made any final decisions, but with so many set backs we have talked a lot about a general game plan.

First you need to know a few things about our situation. ONE, we are poor -- okay not third world country poor, or even working poor, but in the realm of IF ... poor. After being blessed to have one child, I gave up being a veterinarian to stay home. The area we live in has a pretty low cost-of-living, so we could squeak by on my husbands resident's salary. I've been putting off some pretty substantial school loans to do this. So now, we have one year left in DH's training. Which brings us to number TWO, in one year we will be moving to LA for him to do an additional year of training, and where I will not be able to easily practice (licensing issues). Then THREE, we will move again to places unknown to settle down. All these things impact some of our decision making process.

Okay, moving on -- when my first IVF attempt failed I was crushed. As undiagnosed IF, I had convinced myself that if we could just get egg and sperm together in that dish, we'd be golden. Our IVF cycle had gone from bad to worse. Only 8 follicles, then only 5 eggs harvested, only 2 fertilized (one with ICSI). I was convinced my ovaries were kaput (DH has great swimmers). Immediately after the failure I didn't want to talk to my RE yet. Then when I tried to set up our follow-up appt. there were issues (he was away, we were away), so it took a whole month. In that time I aggressively investigated adoption.

Initially we were all for it. We both love children (duh, what a silly statement). We had always imagined our family as including several kids (I had always wanted 4 or 5. I am one of 6 -- catholic parents). I did a lot of reading about domestic vs. international and open adoptions. But we were very concerned about moving 2 times in the next 3 years and how this would complicate pursuing adoption. Then there were the costs to consider, and also how moving would affect those (needed to update home studies). From the information I gathered, we were easily looking at $20-30,000 for adoption internationally. And with domestic there can be unknown costs if you are working with a birth mother who needs financial support. We simply don't have those resources.

Without a big pool of cash to work from, it seemed we would have to consider other adoption roads - such as older children or those with disabilities. This was tough but simple at the same time. We both agreed we are not able to adopt a child with significant mental, physical or emotional disabilities. If it happened to us, we would be committed and work hard. But we just weren't willing to volunteer for that. That is a hard thing to admit and say about yourself. But we felt that IF had put us through the wringer, and at 35 we were too tired to offer ourselves up for more heartache. So, we also agreed that babies from drug addiction backgrounds etc, were not in our future either. The adoption options were getting smaller.

We talked about open adoptions too, and whether it would work for us. Since this is now the way many adoptions are set up today, it was an important issue. Again, we were quickly on the same page. (Its so nice to have your intellectual soul mate for a spouse) I felt that any parent who is selfless enough to place her child for adoption, deserves to know they are loved and safe. So we were both very willing to provide information, pictures, share letters. But we were both leery of meeting with the birth family on any regular basis.

Based on all these things, adoption started to seemed pretty daunting. I finally asked my DH the big questions ... "what do you want? is having J enough for you?" And I was surprised at the answer. He admitted that he too always imagined our family differently, but that if all we ever had was J, he'd be okay with that. I was so touched. Because I knew he was soothing my fears over his possible disappointment over no more of HIS biological children (since it seems the problem is likely me). He actually told me that our son was remarkable and that having gotten to see that was enough for him. But also that he wanted me to be happy and satisfied, so he would support any efforts I wanted to make. Amazing huh?

This beautiful outlook from him led me to look more into donor egg as an option. I want to see his sweet personality in our next child. I want to give that to him. I admit too, that I really want to be pregnant again. I want that connection, even if the egg is not my own. We've talked about this option too. But we know we can't financially afford it until all the moves are done and he is settled in a job with a significant income. That's tough. But I think this may be the right choice for us -- we'll see.

So, anyway. We finally talked to the RE about the first failed cycle, and found out that maybe it was so abysmal because it was ended too soon -- eggs too immature. Dr K didn't feel we had given it our best shot. He helped a little with financing so we could give it this last try. I'm a little worried since we had such a slow start. But hope is creeping in ...

Tentative ovaries

So, my ovaries haven't completely left the building -- but I still fear they are packing their belongings and getting ready to vacate the premises. My E2 today was 344, so rising and more than doubled in 48hrs. The good news is that I finally have an US on Sunday with Dr K. Woo hoo! The bad news is I need more drugs. I ordered more today because of the weekend, but I'm worried I'll probably still need more.

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement the last 2 days. Especially to Mel for convincing me my ovaries are too cultured for FL. And Leah for offering to compare protocols (I'm still going to take you up on that). And to Tam for stopping by and offering kind words. I'm amazed at you all for how you can support others while your own lives are crazy.

There are lots of ideas swirling through my head to talk about, but DH is actually home for the first night all week. Tucking J into bed and trying to pretend we are a married couple. Avert your eyes!

Happy yet?

You Are 28% Happy

You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier. Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

How Happy Are You?

Found this site from Dianne/flutter's blog. Thought it appropriate after Mel's recent post about happiness. Bummer I scored so low.

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In Cycle news ... it only gets better. Last night and this morning I started spotting. Minimal, but noticeable. The IVF nurse informs me that it is possible to have this happen while my estrogen is still low. So today is stim day 7 and I must still be low. My med increase was for this morning, so in theory I should be patient -- but boy is it hard. To top it off, my Dr K goes off IVF service on Saturday. I really wanted him in control of when to end my cycle. Armchair Monday morning quarterbacking revealed that my last cycle was ended prematurely by Dr S and that a fair number of the eggs were probably immature. So I really, really want Dr K to decide my meds (if things go on). He will be in the office for the beginning of July, but he is not on IVF service. I'm seriously contemplating insisting on a phone call where I pin him to the wall with my hysteria and make his swear on his mother's grave that he will monitor my results next week. Oh, and it gets even better -- I only have about a days worth of Menopur left, so I get to buy MORE meds. My financial picture keeps getting better and better.

Sorry this is gloomy. I really would like to be more witty and clever, but I'm just kinda too tired. Ate ice cream for dinner. I'm really pulling for that medical study that said ice cream is good for fertility (I read a discussion about it today on someone's IF blog but can't remember).

Where did my ovaries go?

CD5 E2 not so great. Only 99. That puts me on the cusp of being a "poor responder." Not exactly what I've been striving for. They're upping my meds again, and another E2 on Friday. G-d, I hope this cycle doesn't get canceled. Does this mean its official? My ovaries have packed up and moved to Boca Raton? Menopause is just around the bend?

I don't care, its time for ice cream.

What am I waiting for?

WAIT -- Don't go anywhere!! Its still ME! I'm just still finding my voice, and format, for this blog. So don't be surprised if it changes now and then. Okay, now on with the post ...

I am overwhelmed. Since starting this blog and reading so many of yours, I am inundated with emotions. Over things that have happened and things that may (or may not) happen. I just feel such an urge to spew everything out to you all, since I feel only support and no judgment. Its amazing.

So where to start? Maybe a quick list about why the blog is "Waiting for ...?"

1. I am waiting to feel that my family is complete
2. I am waiting to feel that I am complete
3. I am waiting to feel what my calling and contribution to this world will be
4. I am waiting to know what to do about my career (will I ever go back to practicing veterinary medicine?*)
5. I am waiting for my short term (and long term) memory to function again
6. I am waiting for my sanity to return (hopefully it will bring happiness along with it)
7. I am waiting to know where in the country we will finally settle once my husband is done his training (will I like it?)
8. I am waiting to stop being afraid of the future
9. I am waiting to feel like a whole woman again
10. I am waiting ...

*I am sharing my profession because it is a vital part of how I identify myself (when I can), please be understanding that I can not practice medicine over the internet. But I'm always up for talking dog (cats too).

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Cycle news: Not much exciting. Go for E2 tomorrow, then hopefully I'll be scheduled for US soon so I can know how many follies are developing. I'm dying here folks. Although I was glad to hear that my local IVF girlfriend did well and even had extras for the freezer. I'm hoping those good ju ju meds work for me too. I have to admit, I'm nervous now to be cycling so close to this friend. Now that I know things went so well for her, I'm worried they won't go so well for me. Ugh, go away ugly pessimism. It would be so wonderful for us both to be PG together and all that. But I'm freaking out a little that she will get PG or at least be able to do FET, and that my cycle will just bomb. I know that is silly since I truly want all that for her, and of course when I even mention these fears to DH he gets grumpy and insists that I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE. Its like he thinks that the power of positive thinking alone will conquer unexplained IF. "Ah yes, dear damsel in distress, have no fear for Prince Positive is here!"

*sigh*

In brighter news -- J did not drown in swim class, and the group was actually pretty small and the instructors quite good. Yeah! And while he was not exactly a star at his first soccer class, he did manage to finish the whole hour without any tears (just a little whining about being hot and hungry).

E2 tomorrow! I'm smiling, I'm feeling hopeful. Please don't whack me with your sword Prince Positive.