Still Keepin' On

I hate that I'm not really writing about anything but my cycle, but I'm low on time. Resident Boy is on vacation and we are trying to get ready for the holidays. So I've only had a little time for blogging. Sorry!

Today's scan was pretty good. Although Dr. Smooth almost walked in on me standing in the middle of the exam room sans clothes from the waist down. When I said "just a minute," he wasn't really listening and started to come in! I had to say again, with a bit of irritation, "just a minute," and he got the message. He felt really bad. I didn't really care that much, just about everyone in the office has seen my hooha -- although I guess the receptionist has been spared.

There were quite a few follicles, at least 8-10 around the same size. To me they looked around the 12-14 mm mark, but as usual he didn't say. And today I didn't ask. Trying the less is more approach. But E2 did more than double (up to 1600ish from that 660ish) -- so they actually backed down my meds a bit. I asked him whether he thought we would make it to trigger. He hedged of course. With how my last cycle went, I don't totally blame him -- I could crap out at anytime. But I'm thinking if we can get pretty close by day 12 of stims, that we will be okay.

On a deep level there is a tiny glimmer of something making me think this cycle is different. Whether its the dhea or the new protocol, I don't know. But last night I started actually thinking about how we could come up with dough for putting some in the freezer. And even how we'd do an FET to try for a third child later. How crazy am I? Of course, I promptly did a 180 and worried what I would do when this cycle was canceled. Ain't cycling fun?

Now I'm a REAL IFer

It's official, I am finally a full-fledged IFer. Last night, I did my shot in a public restroom stall.

Today feeling pretty bloated and a bit uncomfortable. Which makes me HAPPY. I'm really hoping things are clipping along and we can trigger early next week. Otherwise things with the holidays could get really wonky. Obviously, its most important that the eggs are happy and healthy, and I'll deal with whatever schedule changes will make that happen. But I would love to have things done so I can finish my 2ww before x-mas.

I'm dying to do the Blog You Very Much post, but want to really dedicate the proper time to it and do a great job. So, watch for it, and I'll work on it! Thanks JJ, for a great idea!

Slow, slow, slow, but steady *UPDATED*

Scan this morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. There were lots of follicles (more than 9 I think), but they were all pretty small. I had Dr. Smooth today, in fact he is the IVF guy until Dec. And he often doesn't say much. To me the follicles looked around 5-7 mm, which isn't bad, but not great for day 5 at a pretty high dose of Gonal-f. I'm a little nervous. With that dreadful failed cycle, the big problem was I needed max meds for a really long time, too long. And with this slow start, I'm worried we will again get to day 10 or 12 and not be ready for trigger.

I told him about my spotting too, which was still happening yesterday. He was surprised (duh, so was I) cause my E2 is high enough to keep that from happening. But my lining looked fine. He said if it continues, they need to know because "that is not a good sign," but I didn't have any this morning -- so hopefully that issue is over.

Of course I was googling first thing after my appointment. One study said E2>350 on day 4 is a good prognostic indicator. And my E2 on day 3 was 229, so I'm hoping I'm close to that mark. At least that's what I'm holding on to until I get my levels and instructions today.

Dr. Smooth is nice, but I can't wait for Dr. Mumbles to take charge.

UPDATE
E2 =662, so it did double, as required. Largest follicle was 10 mm on each size. But I suspect in general, most were smaller, probably about 7s. They did not increase my meds. I think this is a good sign, but since we only have 75 IU of play until we are at max, I'm not sure if they are just trying to save it for the end. Recheck on Friday. I'm trying to believe that we are going to make it in under the wire before the stim winds up being too long, but I can't say I'm not still worried. Going out tonight for Resident Boy's department happy hour thing, and need to get ready for SIL visit this weekend. So I'll hopefully be busy and Friday will come quickly.

THANKS to all you who have been cheering me on!

For Lori

Well, Lori ... it took exactly 7 days for this to become this. Although we did need to teach him the last part of the lyrics. Ah, young boys and holiday songs. What could be more fun.

Pheww!

Thanks for hanging with me. To top things off they didn't call until almost 3 pm. But the waiting room was packed this morning so I guess there was a lot of Monday appointments. Of course I worked myself into a panic that my results were so bad that they had to consult all the doctors to figure out what to do with my crusty old ovaries.

Turns out E2 was 229. Thank G-d. A perfectly nice number. In my failed cycle I barely got over 100 by day 5, so things are definitely better. Aaahhh.

Now I have faith that we may actually make it to retrieval. They didn't even increase my meds. So, moving forward and repeat E2 PLUS ultrasound on Wednesday.

First E2 for IVF #3 Today

Aaaahhh. I'm a nervous wreck. My left eyebrow has been twitching since my blood draw. I was feeling pretty positive all weekend during my shots, but now I'm doubting everything. The lupron has been giving me mild headaches, but otherwise no major side effects of any drugs. But this morning I started spotting again. This happened about 5 days into my stim cycle last time because my E2 was still really low. Now its happening again, so I am really concerned that nothing is happening. WHY did it have to happen? Especially this morning. Couldn't I have gotten my results first?!

Resident Boy is on vacation this week, so that is nice. But he can only be so helpful with this meltdown. He tells me to pretend I don't know anything and not to think about it -- yeah, right. The call should come by about 2pm, when I think they will tell me its low and up my dose to the max. This would not be a good thing. I have a feeling we are not making it to retrieval.

I know I need to be positive, but for the next couple hours I don't think its possible. I'll let you know.

Liar, Liar

Do you think Santa can be a liar? Come on, do you really think that bully in 5th grade really deserved that new bike?

We saw this movie today in an old renovated theater for a dollar. The Snake's big impression was that Santa is NOT a liar. Santa does not lie.



I assured him this was correct. Santa would not lie. But yet I wonder?

Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Good to Go

Baseline yesterday was fine. Antral count at 9. Not exactly stellar, but it will have to do. My last failed crappy cycle had only 7, and the time before that was only 11. So I guess we are falling somewhere in the middle. Hopefully the dhea has made those 9 spectacular!

Start microdose lupron tomorrow and stims on Saturday. First E2 on Monday. Here's hoping!

The Holidays are Coming

Today I discovered my son is learning a variety of traditional holiday songs for his school concert. We cuddled together and sang Jingle Bells and Over the River and Through the Woods (complete with hand gestures). It was a precious moment.

Then a bit later as I'm making dinner in the kitchen I hear in our distant playroom:

Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Jingle all the way
Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Poopy in your eye

Aren't 4-year-old boys sweet?

Anxiety Setting In

It is probably just the my withdrawal from the BCPs, but today I feel worried. I know its just because baseline it tomorrow. This weekend I felt more positive than I have in a long time. But today the worry is winning. I actually had those brief bursts of hormonal moments where I thought I'd burst into tears for no reason. Fun, huh?

My clinic doesn't generally tell you much about your antral follicle count, in fact they have never told me. But I think I need to ask and compare to previous cycles. To help the hope rebound. Although I know its not so much how many I start with, as much as how they respond.

I'm nervous for the lupron too. I've never done a down regulation before. While this is only microdose, I'm still worried about what it will do to my emotional state. Here's hoping I'm not a raving lunatic for Turkey Day.

I know things will be fine. I just know I'll be better once I get that first E2, next Monday. I feel like The Snake when he's waiting for something: A week, but that's soooo long! I can't wait that looong!

The End? Or the Beginning?

Oh G-D, I hope so.

Today I took my last BCP. Now back in June I thought I took my last BCP ever. And I was wrong. So I won't say ever. But it is my last BCP for an ART cycle in a long time. After this cycle, we will be financially out of the game for at least 1-2 years.

While in many ways I am looking forward to being done with treatments, I know that I won't be able to completely leave the mentality that goes along with TTC. With an undiagnosed diagnosis, its hard to ever completely give up hope on that miracle conception.

This time around we will be doing an entirely new protocol -- microdose lupron. Plus, I've been on DHEA for 3-4 months. I also have more Gonal-F that I can use this cycle than in the past. My RE doesn't have strong feelings about exactly which gonadotropins patients use, but with that horrible canceled cycle last summer, I used Follistim. Previously I'd only used Gonal-F with the Menopur with decent results. So I'm hoping that maybe my body prefers it, and I have enough (thanks to my dr and my friends) to use it more regularly throughout the stim.

So I'm working really hard to believe that this time will be different. I'm feeling pretty good and (after a few trying days with The Snake) things seem to be on the upswing. I feel happy sometimes (even horny sometimes, ssshhh). And Resident Boy will be on vacation during most of our stims. Of course it would have been better if he was off during ER and ET, but he requested the vacation awhile ago. So I'm looking forward to spending time together, and as for our procedures -- we will work it out. Luckily I can go to most of my scans without The Snake. So I will be less stressed, and hopefully not piss off anyone in the waiting area by being there with my kid in tow (I'm not mad, I really do understand).

Tuesday will be Baseline, start Lupron on Turkey day, Begin stims next Saturday. Hopefully make it to ER by Chanukkah (week of Dec 3).

I would love for it to be The End. And the Beginning of Something Wonderful.

Single White Female

Wanted: Older man for romps in the yard, followed by hours of snuggling.

About me: Four-year-old single gal. Likes -- crumbs on the floor, sneaking little boy's leftovers off the table, "secretly" sleeping in the people's bed, barking at the mail person or delivery person or kids walking to school. Dislikes -- the squirrels in my yard, the rabbits in my yard, when my tennis ball goes under the fence.

Looking for a serious relationship, although never been in long-term relationship. Battling a few abandonment issues (I knew my beagle mom, but my dad ditched her before I was born) -- so a man who is ready for a commitment is a must. Willing to consider a long distance romance.

So Gus, if this sounds like something you'd be interested in, drop me a line. Or if some other charming guys stumbles across this profile -- well, drop me a line.

Many, Many Thanks

Today I received a wonderful gift from a fellow blogger. A FedX package arrived containing some valuable items to help me get through this next cycle. I know it is often said, but can't be repeated enough -- this is a wonderful community. When I started blogging, I never expected to get so much from people I had never met. An encouraging word or a commiserating (virtual) smile I expected. But not such generous offers of help. You all have stepped up, offering your extras, your help and advice with our move, so much.

Today I thank you all. And somehow I think with this new support, this cycle may be different. Perhaps this was the therapy I needed.

It's a Conspiracy

Like so many endeavors, one must ask -- will it require talent, or simple skill and diligence? If provided the time and appropriate tools, can I create a masterpiece? A work of beauty?

Well, apparently not. And I blame Mich@els, and JoAnn's, and AC More -- all of them! They woo you with pretty craft examples, and easy how-to books. Make it seem like you are just one class away from professional results. That's right, with the right equipment you can be so amazing that you will sell out at the craft fair in a matter of minutes!

Humphh.

Today I worked on making holiday cards. I'm a bit of a rubber stamp fan (I wouldn't quite say "enthusiast"). I've done this in the past with some simple but pleasing results. Well, last spring I bought a lovely book with my 40% off coupon. I had secret dreams of becoming one of those women in Country Living or Better Homes and Gardens who made their hobby a thriving home business. You know, where you can work in your pajamas and walk the dog and wipe the kids' chins -- all while generating thousands of dollars in revenue. Well, it's dawning on me that I am no design diva in hiding. And despite all my aspirations for beautiful cards, it all fell just a bit flat. I even abandoned the project briefly to get MORE supplies that I thought would help, with no substantial change in results. And even THEN, I couldn't help but wonder if I only had that fancy embossing powder, or that expensive cutting instrument ...

I'm telling you -- It's a Conspiracy!

Unexpected Attachments

Below find the post by our mystery blogger. Please make a guess in the comments section. Then you see this sites normal blogger by clicking on the link at the end of the post. Have fun!


"Looking at my family now, I note there have been 11 (or 16, counting another way) divorces, spread across three generations -- more than enough for a soap, and not what its members would have invented for themselves as children. But we cannot now unumagine the new fathers and step-aunts and half brothers and sisters and half grandnieces that sit around the family tables on a Thanksgiving, or wish a life for ourselves that did not include unexpected attachments." - Roger Angell

Out of the corner of my eye through the office window I can see the tiniest flakes of snow of the coming winter. Some drift sideways, some seem to fall straight down, all in different planes, the trees are skeletal. The sky is gray and leaves settled in the gutter. It is all so familiar. The short, dark days. The beginning of the winter in a place where the wind chill can drop to forty below and winter days are routinely in the teens and in the spring, kids shed their jackets at the first forty degrees above zero -- playing in their shirtsleeves because it seems so warm. This place of biting cold, short winter days. One of my favorite winter scenes is watching the pick up hockey games on Lake of the Isles, the mansions blanketed with snow and strung with lights, the ice cleared and kids perched on the boards like rodeo cowboys waiting their turn in the chute.

When the radio seeped into my consciousness this morning imagine my surprise to hear someone talking about how lilacs were blooming by Lake Harriet, and crocuses peeking up through the ground...disoriented I never figured out if they were talking about the encoded trigger points of nature going haywire, or if it was some springtime rebroadcast...though the local weather is calling for 50s and rain, even with these few flakes -- the very thought of it seems incongruent, unsettling.

G. is going deer hunting up north and W. goes back to his mom today, a transition day. I felt myself consumed with worry -- worry for G. hunting alone -- last night at the Coliseum on the fairgrounds W. had hockey practice and G. and I walked around the concrete perimeter of the rink, looking up at the arcing cavernous ceiling, the old bolted metal seats; this is a place where, in summer, they do barrel racing and show the 4H blue ribbon animals. "You could come with me" he says
"We could get a hotel, you could soak in the bathtub" his face lights up. He laughs to himself. Once he's allowed himself the chance to think about the coziness of it all, the prospect of a tent in the woods alone for three days seems lonely.

This morning I just got really sad with the normal bustle of morning routine -- those two were racing around, G. working a half-day before leaving, after W. gets to school I go around the house packing his bags that go with him to his mother's house -- the giant blue hockey bag filled with clothes, and then the REAL hockey bag -- and then the GOALIE bag. And he's seven. I wet his hair down with a comb, it's retake day for pictures.

"When you get there, check in the mirror" I say " you have this one part that's all sticky-outy" He stands there dutifully.

"They don't have a mirror" he says, plastering it down with his hand. His dad comes in and take over the combing. I am tossing dishes around again.

They both make sounds about how I am so grumpy in the morning...the razzing of them both -- it's not G. that gets to me -- because he tempers his teasing with liberal hugs, sweet whispers, laughter, the loving look in his eye. But W. sometimes it is just so clear that he loves me, but I am not essential to his happiness. He doesn't court my love, need it, come to me for warmth -- and this uneasy ebb and flow of emotion between us, even at this age, is hard. He stands apart, so I stand apart --and I'm aching in this distance between us to have a child who calls me 'mommy' -- who throws themselves into my arms, who can't bear to be without me.

I would never trade the love I have for W. -- that challenges me to love unconditionally, to risk, to be effusive when I might otherwise be quiet -- and I don't always succeed -- sometimes I am closed, and sad, and unapproachable. I hugged him as he left and put my arms around him.

"Give me a hug. You'll be gone for a week. I miss you when you're gone." He lets me hug him.

"But it's ooonly a week." He says, shrugging his camo backpack up on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but a week without you seems like a very long time." And he follows his dad out the door with a casual 'see ya'...him like a duckling behind his dad.

As they close the door I am engulfed again with the longing -- even now on this enforced break -- I keep asking -- am I ready for more shots? Another round of overstimming if it comes to that? IVF if it comes to that? I wanted to take advantage of this break to get my head on straight, to do yoga, to refocus, to get out of the single-minded, marathon of trying to conceive...take a few months through the holidays.

The other day I had a daydream leaving Target, and felt deeply the presence of my little girl -- though I've never even been pregnant, not once. It was startling, and strange.

Though I'd have my life no other way, and I deeply love W. and we share a bond that's hard to describe, I know I'm not his mom.

So the house will be quiet this next week -- it will be me and my lucygirl in the long dark evening -- me knitting a baby blanket,and Lucy scratching at the couch, pretending she's pawing a nest in the snow for her den.

Okay -- now you get to guess who this mystery blogger might be -- and to catch up with your regularly scheduled blogger on this cross polination event -- click here.

Spelling Lesson

This morning J (heretofore known as "The Snake") and I visited our family doctor's office for our annual flu shots. While waiting, The Snake found an old Fisher Price magnetic chalkboard with a smattering of remaining letters. As his interest in reading and spelling is burgeoning, he wanted me to make some words for him. Being the facile wordsmith that I am, I was happy to oblige. However, this was no easy task. Our selection of vowels was limited to "O", which I think might really have been the zero, and "U."

I scrounged up a few consonants and managed to make "FUN." But beyond that the best I could do was "OLD." I was trying to get The Snake to sound out the word. Finally I just said, "OLD, like Mommy feels most of the time."

The lady sitting next to us snickered.

Spread the Word -- VOTE

Mel at Stirrup Queens needs our help. Cause she helps us. Get out the VOTE. Email your friends and family (if you can), and have them vote. The more attention IF gets the better.

Go here to VOTE.

Blocked. Breakouts? New Beginnings?

Clearly, I've been blocked. No, not like ... I need milk of magnesia blocked! ... writer's block. Aside from a moment of paranoid meltdown, I have yet to post anything substantial in weeks. My apologies.

Brief aside: Thanks so much to Mel, and all the other bloggers who stepped up and offered to comfort me and help ease my insanity over our future move to LA. As usual the Queen was amazing and hooked me up and kept me from jumping off the edge. So be sure to go and vote for her at the weblog awards. You can vote every 24 hours (until Nov 8), so vote every 24 hrs damn it!

I've been in a strange place when it comes to this blog. When I first started, I loved how it was anonymous and I could write whatever I wanted. I could spew anything and get it off my chest. Then I met many of you and I found myself sharing more and more, and wanting to be less anonymous. And then I found so many amazing, witty, clever, creative, honest, beautiful and substantial blogs. And now I want to be more.

I've been thinking a lot about how I want this to be more than an IF blog. Hold on, don't run away yet. Its just that I'm trying hard for there to be more to ME than IF. Its like Lori talked about in her Chakra Sundays profile on Sacral Chakra:

Be careful who you declare yourself to be. The Universe will support your creative declaration. You want to be Infertile4ever.blogspot.com? You got it. Call yourself cantgetpreggers.wordpress.com? Okey-dokey. If your entire persona is tied to being neveramom.com, the Universe will comply -- for who would you be if not this identity you've worked so hard on? By blogging, you are creating. So do it consciously and with awareness of who you want to be.

But I haven't quite discovered how to break out. I'm working on it. I'm thinking a bit about moving to Word.press. Shaking up the layout of the blog. Working more on my own writing style and voice. Starting to post some of my photography, although I'm no Niobe. Maybe adding a section for the Shop to Make Mom or Pop Store. Talking a little more about parenting to help me focus on the positive of being at home with J. I'm also thinking of making it not-anonymous, but I'm not quite sure. Maybe I will keep this private space to be able to fully delve into my IF woes.

Meanwhile, only 2 more weeks of BCPs left! Then its baselines and bloodwork and microdose Lupron. Then in 3 weeks ... stims. I'm afraid. Very, very afraid. As usual, Mel described how I'm feeling very well just the other day. Cause this is it. The last amyegg cycle. I'm hoping it turns out like the last Leah egg cycle. With a BFP. If not, it will be a new beginning. Time to prepare for a new city, maybe a new job, and a new life. Maybe.