Ten Weeks

What would you think if you stood up, felt a gush of fluid from you hoo-ha, rushed to the bathroom and found your panties soaked with pink-tinged liquid? Fun, huh? It wasn't blood, I did NOT pee myself -- so what was it?

If you can tell me, I'll gladly send you some sort of prize. Cause my new OB practice hasn't a clue. Fortunately this whole scare started last night, and my first OB appointment was this afternoon. Although I did wind up calling the triage nurse this morning since I was also having some tightening and discomfort during my morning shower. The nurse was less than pleasant, which did not exactly make me excited about this new clinic. Top that off by an hour wait to be seen and I'm a little hesitant to offer any gold stars.

Anyway, luckily they did a sonogram first, and everybody looks fine. Both babies were present and accounted for, no one had secretly escaped on a wave of fluid. Heart rates were spot on around 170 and measurements tracked with all the previous ones, at 9w3d today which has been typical. All measurements have been several days behind, so we suspect some late implanting. Baby A was pretty wiggly, and Baby B looked to be sleeping. They sit side by side in separate sacs, with plenty of fluid. The tech could find no subchorionic bleeds or pockets of fluid, so no explanations.

I met the CNP for my visit, no doctor today. She did the full exam and we went over everything. She seemed very nice, and used to work in an infertility clinic on Long Island, as well as having a daughter via IVF. I need to schedule the NT and the second trimester screens with a radiology specialist. Lots of blood work to do also.

Yesterday I felt awful. Today I feel better (at least after the appointment). But the migraines aren't finished. If I go to the grocery store or the mall, they crank up like mad and I want to crawl in a hole and die. As long as they will get better, I hopefully can make it. I'm just worried they might persist. Cross your fingers for me.

Sorry for the boring post. The Snake went to the allergist this week and that will be fun to tell about, but it will have to be another day.

Status Quo

I'm fine. I was tired of seeing the pity party post. The nausea is better, headaches better but still around. Pants tight. I can't believe I have to wait another WEEK until my OB appointment! What was I thinking? I could have been seen today, but I would have had to make childcare arrangements. So I opted for next Thursday afternoon. Ugh.

I wish I had the energy to creatively tell you about my recent issue with The Snake -- but I don't. Basically he has been waking up in the middle of the night, trying to get in bed with us. Every night. Multiple times a night. We have not permitted that in many, many, many months. And if it happened it was only because I didn't wake up when he tried. Last night it started at about 12:30 am and went on every 1-2 hours until Resident Boy rose at 5 am. Needless to say, I wound up screaming insanely at a 4-year-old who was definitely not going back to sleep. Not pretty.

I think Resident Boy is right, that it is likely related to anxiety over the frequently discussed move to LA. Yesterday was kindergarten registration, and his Pre-K is part of the elementary school. So all his friends were getting signed up, but we will be leaving. Plus, I suspect he suspects something else is up (ie the babies). But I'm just not ready to tell him. Especially without a recent ultrasound under my belt. I'm employing some new strategies tonight, so we'll see how it goes.

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Please send some love to some friends who need it:

My dear cyclesista Tracey is suffering a loss. Please send support.
JJ and Mook got disappointing news after their FET.
LAS is having a nerve-wracking appointment tomorrow.

Thanks

Thank you so much for the condolences and good wishes for my friends. I promise to keep you updated, as I'm sure this will not stop being a part of my life. Thanks also for the help with the knitting stuff and food ideas. I knew I could count on you guys, I really appreciate you're including links to sites and everything! I'll let you know how my project is going.

There's not much to say except I feel awful. I feel bad complaining, because I know some people have had that hyperemesis issue, and I'm not even puking. But I feel like I should ALL THE TIME. And the migraines with dizziness don't help. I'm taking tyel.nol now and then, but it only does so much. I tried ginger altoids, and they definitely do help -- but they taste terrible!

I just can't seem to get much done. And the weather is crappy, super cold and snowing, so I don't want to run errands. I feel useless. Ugh. I know it will get better. But I'm starting to think about calling my new OB office to see if they can either see me earlier or prescribe something. I can't believe it's only been a week since my last RE visit. It feels like its been ages, and will be ages longer until I'm close to 12 weeks. And what will I do if the migraines last longer!?

One day at a time, I suppose. Sorry for the pity party.

I Hate Something Bad

Yesterday Niobe was posting about the phrase "nothing bad has happened yet." (NBHHY) I'd only recently come across this phrase/philosophy. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I could see how it is an attempt to just live in the moment. Yet the fear and implication of impending disaster was disheartening as well. I decided to mull it over a bit before commenting.

I'd decided that I would finally call my best friend M to share our news of the babies. I was excited to pick her brain, as she has (non-ART) twin girls who are just turning one this month, as well as an older son. I was looking forward to living in the moment for a change, and talking about minivans and strollers and breastfeeding.

Before I knew it the world was looking very different. After briefly saying hello and both of us apologizing for being out of touch since the fall, the day simply shattered. My friend, MW, who has felt more of a sister to me than my own, began to fill me in the last couple weeks in their lives. Her husband, MM, had been having some health issues lately. I knew that MM had a history of atrial fibrillation, so was concerned he was having troubles again. Then she reveals he has had a colonoscopy and a rectal mass was found. I'm surprised, but not yet shocked. Then she calmly goes on to say the biopsy was suspicious for malignancy. Again, I'm upset but still hopeful for a good outcome. But the last shoe drops. A CT scan shows metastatic lesions in the liver, and possibly lung. I am speechless. This is something bad. Very bad.

This is the couple we have asked to be our son's legal guardians, despite many siblings in both our families. This is the couple who helped us get an apartment next to them when we had our big rottweiler. This is the couple who cooked dinner with us many nights a week for 2 years. This is the couple that we drank wine with and played cards until late in the night and then stumbled across the hall to our own beds. This is the couple who held my hand while we tried for our first child. MW was present and held my hand at the birth of that child. This is the couple we have considered relocating to be closer to. These are our friends.

MM is 35-years-old. Rectal adenocarcinoma with metastatic lesions has a 5-year survival rate of 10%. That means 90% of patients are dead in 5 years. He will likely need multiple surgeries, extensive chemo and possibly other adjuctive therapies. Their son is 4 and the twin girl are not even a year old yet. My heart is breaking.

I feel horribly frustrated that we live a day's drive away. Here I am, not working. I could do so much for them, if only we were closer. I know there are things I can (and will) do. Sending care packages, messages, listening. But I so wish there was more.

Right now, they don't even have a complete diagnosis yet. They will to talk with many doctors before settling on the plan. I still have hope. He is young, strong, otherwise healthy and motivated. But their normal life was difficult and harried. This future is going to become unbearable.

I welcome suggestions of ways to help. Since it seems that some form of chemo will be inevitable, I'd like to knit MM a cozy hat. I know many of you are knitters. Can you help me? I need a simple pattern, as I am a beginner. I've never knitted in the round, but hear it's easy. Then I need recommendations for some super soft yarn. Most of the projects I've done use cheapy stuff from the craft store. I want something luxurious.

I am not religious. But I can't help but ask for prayers and good thoughts for my wonderful friends.

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Thanks for the suggestion to head to TEAM WHY MOMMY. I've actually been to Toddler Planet before, and was planning on heading back for advice. Thanks for the reminder.

All Out of Clever

Not that I'm a comic genius, but I haven't much to say. I've bandied about a few nice post ideas, but can't seem to get committed. First trimester illness (FTI) has set in and is in full force. I am nauseous all the time, have no appetite, I am tired in the day and can't sleep at night, and my ocular migraines are back.

Okay, was that whining? Opps, sorry.

Obviously I am thrilled at this pregnancy. Terrified of complications, but thrilled nonetheless. But I refuse to fall into that trap that I'm not allowed to be miserable if my body decrees so. And it is. So I am.

Today was actually a bit better. But I guess I'm realizing that with the whole 2 babies thing, that means double whammy of FTI. I know others have had a much worse time, so I really can't be too grumpy. And I could handle it better if it weren't for the headaches and dizziness. I am hoping that with weaning the progesterone that the migraine stuff will abate.

And so, I'm off to attempt to cook something for dinner that will perhaps appeal to my roiling belly. But probably not.

7w6d

The scan went fine. Two babies, two heart beats. I feel incredibly lucky. Especially after reading about this sad event last night.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm intermittently ecstatic and fearful. This is exactly what I'd hoped for, yet it feels very unreal. I'm overwhelmed of all the things I'll need to accomplish in a few short months.

And so, I'm off to nap instead.

Pre-Scan Jitters

Facing tomorrow with trepidation. Scan will be in the afternoon. I will be 7w6d.

Its possible that it could be a beautiful moment. My husband will be coming with me. We could see these babies with heartbeats and limb buds and smile at one another. Perhaps I'll shed tears of joy.

Or it could be very different. I hate feeling like the classic IFer full of doom and gloom. In reality, I'm still having nausea, some mild fatigue, and my ocular migraines have returned -- so there really isn't any indication that things have gone wrong. But now I know so many of your stories, and it is hard not to have some fear before this appointment.

We do still excitedly talk of car seats, cribs and such. But I still can't help by adding that typical if this works out or assuming things are fine. Its tiring. I keep telling myself that if we can get to 12 weeks that I will let go of the concerns. I WILL enjoy this experience. Although even if I can achieve that lofty goal, I think our lives will get so crazy with selling the house and moving to LA that I might not have much chance.

Circle

Growing up I was never the girl with a big circle of friends. I had one or two that I spent time with through childhood. Of course, my parents disapproved of them. In college, there were even fewer. My sister was the one who joined a sorority, lived in a house full of young women, took vacations to the beach with an entire brood. Not me.

Since beginning this blog I've been startled by how easy it has been to connect with women to whom I can relate. And not just because of our shared journey through IF. I have found other women in the sciences, women who love to write, women who yearn for a more balanced life. I have found those who share my hobbies, like photography and knitting. I have found lovely, educated, spiritual (not necessarily religious), grounded, thoughtful and giving women.

This experience has done so much more than give me a support system or community as I travel through IF. It has provided me that circle of women friends that I often yearned for but never found.

Thank you.

Double Your Pleasure

Well, after all those borderline doubling betas ... it looks like we will be doubling our fun!

That's right, two sacs, two heartbeats. I'm in shock.

The betas were so lowish, and with the spotting last week -- I really thought there had been a vanishing twin. But it looks like it decided to stick around after all. The measurements for both are 3-4 days behind the 6w5d we are at, but the RE is not concerned. Heart rates were 112 and 117. They want me to return again in one week before stopping the PIO, then I'll be released to an OB (which I don't have).

I am still totally floored. Thrilled, excited and very scared. This means our move to LA will have to totally be re-thought. The logistics and the health insurance issues are scary. I know it will all get worked out, and in the end it will just mean spending more money -- but its a little daunting. I'm trying to push all that aside and just enjoy this moment. This amazing moment.

Resident Boy is in surgery and I haven't been able to talk to him yet. So I can't publish this or call my mom or anyone else until he calls! Aaahh! Okay, got the call, so now I can post. More info to follow soon.

Out, out damn spot

Still no more spotting. Feeling particularly pukey today and wiped out. Cool huh?

Scan tomorrow afternoon at 6w5d. Hoping for the heartbeat.

I'll let you know.

Gone

Now its gone again. Its like I'm having little bursts of bleeding at the end of the day, then its is over by morning. The cramping was the scary part and lasted about 2-3 hours. This morning I feel much more nauseous, so I'm figuring the levels are going up.

I thought I'd call the RE today, but I just don't want to. Thanks chicklet, for wanting to get me more tests. And in one way that might make me feel better, but the reality is that until I hit 12 weeks with a heartbeat, I don't think I'll settle down much. I'm just going to try to hold out to u/s on Monday.

Then DH and I fought last night cause he said something typically inappropriate, so of course I returned the favor and we didn't do much to make each other feel better.

Thanks for feeling bad for me. Thanks for not saying too much. Thanks for being there.

Again

Spotting, again. This time with more reddish-ness and more cramping. I'm worried.

I know this can be normal etc., etc., etc.

I'm trying to remain calm. Hopefully it will be over in the morning like last time. But it's hard to believe this could be a good thing.

More wait and see.

Tease *Updated*

It's official -- my body is a tease (bitch). After a quiet dinner where all 3 of us toasted with sparkling cranberry juice, DH and I watched a movie. I was planning on breaking our recent stretch of celibacy since yesterday's news had been so good. It seemed like a nice way to bring in the new year.

Then I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Yup, spotting (bitch). Only rose-brown, very scant, but definitely there. I'd had a little mild tightening/cramping earlier, but that had been going on periodically before. I thought that I would freak out, but I just feel defeated. I know this could be normal. Perhaps just shedding that extra sac-like thing. This really could be nothing.

But I still feel a vague tightness in my pelvis; there is still scant discharge. The worst part is I know this torment will probably go on for days. I will not know how this is going to end for awhile. So that bitch just keeps teasing me.

I'll wait before contacting the RE. No point. Too early for them to be able to tell me anything. I suppose if this goes on, I'll call to repeat the beta in a few days.

When I made my coffee the sun came out and the lawn was covered with fresh snow. Now the clouds have rolled in. It's gray and dim.

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It is still gray and cold and snowing. But the spotting seems to have stopped. Phew. Whether it was a remnant sac or old implantational blood, I don't care. So long as it doesn't come back. Thanks for all the encouragement and communal worrying.

And Lori, the movie was excellent. Of course, we love this series and have seen them all multiple times. I recommend a marathon, especially if you haven't seen the early ones in awhile. (plus we know one of the stuntmen who works these films, and we love to watch and try and guess what parts he might have done)