Stagnant

Once again, I feel stuck. Why is it that the more I need to accomplish, the less I seem to achieve? While I believe some of these feeling stem from being a SAHM (no periodic reviews here, no pay raises), I think some may be my own neuroses.

When I was a kid, I had chores. Plenty. In fact, my Mom had gone back to work by the time I was in school,l so we all had to help run the house. But I always waited until someone was around to see that I was getting things done. Despite being a mature individual, I always needed supervision -- or an observer at least. I had trouble valuing my achievements if they were not witnessed.

Now I think that behavior is wreaking havoc in my daily life. My 4-year-old (4YO) doesn't qualify to witness. For he will not judge me if I fail to make the grade. And my DH is often not around, and/or doesn't seem to mind the lack of elaborate meals or clean socks. (okay, he does notice when there are no socks or underwear, but not much else) Sometimes I tell myself that if my family were bigger, I would be on the ball. I would have meals and tons of laundry done and my dog would be better behaved. Because our lives would be so busy it would be necessary. People would notice if my many children had dirty clothes. But with only one child, its simple to have enough clean clothes and a wiped chin.

Besides the 4YO doesn't even need me to wipe his chin anymore. Today he started all-week Pre-K. No problems. Walked in. Hung up his own backpack. Dove into playing. No tears, not even from me.

Would I be different if I had 3 kids now, like I had hoped? Would I keep house better, would I engage my son more often in play and activities? Would I budget better and worry less? Would I have been brave enough to branch out and find consulting work or some other income? Would I be happy?

I'm thinking lots about these things. Has IF put me in this slump, or is it just me? It is so easy to blame my delaying life on IF, the eminent move, my migraines, the lunar eclipse. What have I learned these 3 years? Ms Planner got me thinking today with her post about Lessons Learned. I love her list, and I think mine would be very, very similar. But even more so than that is my need/desire to learn to Forgive and Be Positive. I'm trying to do those things, the exact ones described in her post. But it can be hard. And I am tired. And then I'm tired of it being hard. And then I'm tired of having to try and make it easier.

I feel like a leaf in the middle of a lake, with not a single whisper of wind.