Sunday, September 23, 2007

Jewish Holidays -- Feast or Fast

Okay, this is TOTALLY cheating. But my SIL sent me this email tonight, and I found it terribly amusing. And as it seems I am discovering more and more of you seem to be Jewish, or part Jewish, or at least know some Jews ... so I figured you might enjoy it as much as I did.

Disclaimer: I am not Jewish, only married to one. Therefore I can not attest to the accuracy of ANY of these holidays! Sorry, its a little long too.
_____________________________________________________________________________

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, sadly there are no holidays requiring light snacking.


Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Centre for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again


There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.


You know you grew up Jewish when:

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.


You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man, -witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt and -baum).

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.


You have at least six male relatives named David.


LA SHANA TOVA

62 comments:

Geohde said...

Lol,

I'm counting this as cultural education. :)

niobe said...

I've never even heard of about half of the listed holidays. I think I'll start celebrating all the ones that involve tasty foods.

Portia P said...

Thanks for that, you made me smile.

I'm a "fully paid-up, both parents were" Je.wish girl. Previously non-practising, but in my IF state, becoming more (superstitiously) J.ewish by the day. Living in hope that someone up there will spot me being a good girl and send a baby my way!

I celebrate less than five of those festivals, so it looks like i've a lot more feasting and fasting to do...

Natalie said...

I'm not Jewish but that cracks me up anyway:-) Thx for that.

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