Barren Bitches Book Brigade -- Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

First, thanks to the fantabulous Mel for doing all the work in putting this tour together. You are the best!

Second, I just would like to say how much I enjoyed the book as a whole. It had been awhile since I had read much fiction, and my first time joining the book brigade. And I was a little nervous adding more IF/loss elements in my life. But this book covered aspects of loss I had not personally experienced, along with so many other important areas, especially relationships (spousal, with a child, friends etc.) I appreciated the quick pace of the writing and the depth of honest emotions discussed.

On to the discussion, but don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston (with author participation!).


On page 65, Waldman writes, "She (Mindy) thinks we are members of the same sorority of pain, that we are sisters in grief… But when I'm with Mindy I'm afraid every minute that I'll that I will tell her she has no fucking idea that a curl of flesh and DNA floating in a toilet bowl full of blood is not a baby, and that the remnants of pregnancy running down your legs is nothing, nothing like holding your dead child in your arms…" React to this statement as a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage. In addition, can a similar sentiment apply to women experiencing different levels of infertility? Is one person's "pain" moot in comparison to another's if one has only failed with IUI versus one who has failed with multiple IVFs?

I knew this topic would be of interest to many, and several of the questions touch on this dilemma. My personal perspective is somewhat similar to Emilia’s, that there is a difference between the loss of an early pregnancy vs. the loss of a born child. Perhaps that seems harsh, but I do feel that the loss of a child is somehow profound. I do NOT however feel that difference inherently means one individual’s pain is “greater” than another. I have experienced both a chemical pregnancy and a missed miscarriage. At that point in my life, I recall being very frustrated that the OB/GYN who called with my results concerning the chemical would not call it a miscarriage. I felt it was very unfair to make this distinction – to me, I had lost a baby. But now I do have a son, and if I lost him at any point after his birth, I know that loss would scar me in an even deeper way than the lost possibility of a child. After my missed miscarriage due to blighted ovum, I was deeply saddened, more so than the chemical, in part because at the time of the chemical I was not diagnosed as infertile. With the miscarriage I had held hope at bay and had early signs that it would be unsuccessful.

For me, the longer a pregnancy goes forward in good health, the more significant the loss can become for that person. You are so much closer to that desired outcome, there is more invested, physically and emotionally. I still grieve my miscarriages. But at least for me, it is grieving the loss of the possibility of that child. If my losses had been in later stages of pregnancy, I believe that my pain would have been greater. Maybe it is the scientist in me, but as a fetus approaches viability, that would deepen the impact for me.

Everyone experiences grief differently. And I would never discount the pain someone feels over the loss of an early pregnancy. I certainly wouldn’t presume that loss to be “less.” But for me personally, it would be much harder to lose a living, born child. I think the same is true of infertility treatment. The pain and disappointment of a failed IUI is not necessarily “less” than that of IVF. But in each successive treatment cycle there can be less hope of a positive outcome. And that circumstance does add intensity at each increasing level of treatment.

Throughout the novel, Emilia feels she was drawn to her husband, Jack, through the concept of bashert – that it was a magical connection or fate that had drawn them together. Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you believe there is one soul mate for each of us?

The question I posed was similar to this. I was intrigued by the concept of bashert (see this site for more details). My DH is Jewish, and has often remarked that we are soul mates – but he has never talked about bashert. I certainly do not believe our connection is “magic” per se, but I have come to believe it is incredibly special. In many ways, I think he was drawn to me with a much greater intensity than I was to him when we first met. I was much more hesitant to consider him “the one.” But his commitment to our connection altered that view. We were essentially inseparable quite quickly after we began dating in college. So while it was not love at first sight for me, I do think we were drawn together for a reason. We complement one another on so many levels. There is often unspoken understanding. Our connection does not have the degree of fire often referred to between Jack and Emilia, but it has an amazing level of strength and power.

Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

I do not have any first-hand experience with stepfamilies, however one of my siblings is a stepparent who has faced some similar issues. In witnessing that experience I gained an appreciation of the complexities of parenting within stepfamilies and blended families, especially ones in which all parties do not share the same perspective. I think that it was admirable for Jack to support Emilia having some primary responsibility for William, by caring for him on Wednesdays. But I do not think he made enough effort to create an environment where this experience would be successful. It was sabotaged from the get go.

It was certainly unacceptable to expect Emilia to adhere to the standards Carolyn established. While Carolyn was William’s mother and should have control over vital elements of his life, her micromanagement of every aspect was detrimental for everyone: William, Jack, Emilia and even Carolyn herself. Having acquiesced to Carolyn’s orders for so many years, it seemed Jack was incapable of challenging her demands, even if William and Emilia’s well being and relationship required it. As the individual with a previous relationship, the burden of communication fell to Jack. Yet he failed repeatedly to insist that his new wife be given, at the very least, a minor role in managing William’s life.

Now don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston (with author participation!).