Thank you for your kind comments. And especially to whomever forwarded me to LFCA, that was very sweet of you to take the time to do that. I'm touched that even after over a year of inactivity that the community still embraced me. It means more than you could know.
I'm hanging in there. Mostly I think I've already moved on. Maybe it is denial, maybe I was just ready. We will see. I've got enough on my plate to keep me distracted, most of the time. But this morning I saw a commercial for March of Dimes work for healthy babies and cringed a bit. We will walk this spring and raise money, as the twins were premature and we believe in this cause. But it wasn't particularly fun to think about this morning.
My symptoms are gone, and it doesn't seem real that there are still remnants of this child inside me. "Products of conception" as the surgical consent form calls it. Surreal.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Humpf.
Wow. Haven't posted here in over a year. It's likely I'm not in anyone's reader any more.
A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?
My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.
Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.
But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.
I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.
But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?
I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.
A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?
My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.
Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.
But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.
I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.
But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?
I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Advice
I need some advice about parenting/relationships with other parents. Please visit me over at that other place, if you're up for it.
Friday, December 5, 2008
A Year Ago Today ...
I was thankful for lucky number seven. Seven eggs. That became six embryos. That became three transferred embryos. That became two fetuses. That became two fragile premature neonates. That are now two thriving infants.
We are blessed, and grateful.
But here, in this place, I must admit that while this day brought us all we could desire and more, it also is a reminder of all we went through to get here. I went back and read the next few posts that followed that day. And I was struck by the outpouring of love and support I received. And of all the women who were going through the same emotions. Of all my cyclesistas from that month, I think I was the only positive outcome. And that makes me sad, especially since many of those same women are still struggling and hoping.
Thank you to all of you for giving me this place to feel safe and supported, and most importantly validated. I hope I was able to give the same to some of you. And some day, when I have a little more time, I hope to do it again. Thank you just doesn't quite seem like enough, but for now, it will have to do.
If you would like to see what happened to those two those little eggs, click here.*
*link is now FIXED!
We are blessed, and grateful.
But here, in this place, I must admit that while this day brought us all we could desire and more, it also is a reminder of all we went through to get here. I went back and read the next few posts that followed that day. And I was struck by the outpouring of love and support I received. And of all the women who were going through the same emotions. Of all my cyclesistas from that month, I think I was the only positive outcome. And that makes me sad, especially since many of those same women are still struggling and hoping.
Thank you to all of you for giving me this place to feel safe and supported, and most importantly validated. I hope I was able to give the same to some of you. And some day, when I have a little more time, I hope to do it again. Thank you just doesn't quite seem like enough, but for now, it will have to do.
If you would like to see what happened to those two those little eggs, click here.*
*link is now FIXED!
Monday, November 3, 2008
VOTE
Tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a history-changing day.
So many have blogged about all the turmoil and issues surrounding this fateful day. Sadly I haven't the time to express what so many of you had cleverly and passionately shared. All I can say is I will be proud to cast my vote tomorrow. And on this day I will be very happy to have moved to California and be given the chance to voice my opposition to Prop 8. There is so much wrong with this movement, and being inundated with the ads has been nothing short of torture.
So tomorrow I will say no to Prop 8, and yes to hope. Yes to a better tomorrow.
Yes to Aqua Bama.*
*this is what The Snake calls him, and being the good son his is, he would vote for him too (if he could)
So many have blogged about all the turmoil and issues surrounding this fateful day. Sadly I haven't the time to express what so many of you had cleverly and passionately shared. All I can say is I will be proud to cast my vote tomorrow. And on this day I will be very happy to have moved to California and be given the chance to voice my opposition to Prop 8. There is so much wrong with this movement, and being inundated with the ads has been nothing short of torture.
So tomorrow I will say no to Prop 8, and yes to hope. Yes to a better tomorrow.
Yes to Aqua Bama.*
*this is what The Snake calls him, and being the good son his is, he would vote for him too (if he could)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Catch Me on the Flip Side
Well ladies (and any gents) ...
I've finally started up my new blog! I'll still be posting here sometimes, so don't dump me from your reader just yet! But now you can find me and all my clan at:
www.lifeineden.wordpress.com
Please keep in mind -- I will be inviting family and friends to my new site. Please visit me there, but don't reference this blog, as I would like to continue to keep it private. Thanks!
I've finally started up my new blog! I'll still be posting here sometimes, so don't dump me from your reader just yet! But now you can find me and all my clan at:
www.lifeineden.wordpress.com
Please keep in mind -- I will be inviting family and friends to my new site. Please visit me there, but don't reference this blog, as I would like to continue to keep it private. Thanks!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Basking in the Sunshine
We have been in sunny LA for 2 weeks. The fruit babies made the trip like champs. Three days from western NY to Phoenix, a day of rest with the in-laws, then one day to LA. The Snake is back with us and we are a family.
Taking care of two babies is kicking my ass. It would be managable, if not for the monitors (apnea, bradycardia). It would be managable in a home that is established, not an apartment with crap strewn everywhere. It would be managable with a well stocked kitchen. It would be managable with no other children (who need to be walked to school daily).
But somehow, we are managing. It's not pretty, but we are getting by.
I'm likely to start up a new blog when I can finally tread water. This space will still exist, but I want something that I can share with family, and this is not the place. Hope to see you there!
Taking care of two babies is kicking my ass. It would be managable, if not for the monitors (apnea, bradycardia). It would be managable in a home that is established, not an apartment with crap strewn everywhere. It would be managable with a well stocked kitchen. It would be managable with no other children (who need to be walked to school daily).
But somehow, we are managing. It's not pretty, but we are getting by.
I'm likely to start up a new blog when I can finally tread water. This space will still exist, but I want something that I can share with family, and this is not the place. Hope to see you there!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Confusion
I don't have much time to spew about all my emotions and craziness, so here's the down and dirty update.
The insurance company drug things out then simply said it is not within our policy to cover medical transport. It was insanely frustrating process, which did not improve by bicoastal phone conversations with the DH. Regardless, the waiting is over and we are moving forward.
The babies need to be on monitors, as they are still having occasional spells. Commerical airliners will not permit the monitors due to FAA regulations about interference with communications. That leaves the only option as driving.
My husband will come back to western New York after the holiday weekend. His father will also be here. The three of us will take the babies in our new van across the country. Please pray that it won't be too many days.
The fruit babies will probably be discharged to me tomorrow and we will stay with our friends until after the holiday weekend. It's a little daunting for me to tackle 2 babies all by myself.
Oh, and to top it off ... Peaches had been nursing fairly well and now has decided she is nipple confused. Oh yeah, big time. I offer her the breast and she spits it out and screams. I can get her to nurse with a nipple shield, but I still have to pump too. Plus, Plum finally had latched and actually nursed twice, but he too now refused to latch. The lactation consultant feels that once we get to California and settled there is a good chance they will remember the right things and we can get back on track, but that all the stress isn't helping things. So, it's pumping in the car and bottles for this cross country trip. Boy are there going to be some lucky truckers that get an eye-ful!
I'll let you know when we make it to the other side!
The insurance company drug things out then simply said it is not within our policy to cover medical transport. It was insanely frustrating process, which did not improve by bicoastal phone conversations with the DH. Regardless, the waiting is over and we are moving forward.
The babies need to be on monitors, as they are still having occasional spells. Commerical airliners will not permit the monitors due to FAA regulations about interference with communications. That leaves the only option as driving.
My husband will come back to western New York after the holiday weekend. His father will also be here. The three of us will take the babies in our new van across the country. Please pray that it won't be too many days.
The fruit babies will probably be discharged to me tomorrow and we will stay with our friends until after the holiday weekend. It's a little daunting for me to tackle 2 babies all by myself.
Oh, and to top it off ... Peaches had been nursing fairly well and now has decided she is nipple confused. Oh yeah, big time. I offer her the breast and she spits it out and screams. I can get her to nurse with a nipple shield, but I still have to pump too. Plus, Plum finally had latched and actually nursed twice, but he too now refused to latch. The lactation consultant feels that once we get to California and settled there is a good chance they will remember the right things and we can get back on track, but that all the stress isn't helping things. So, it's pumping in the car and bottles for this cross country trip. Boy are there going to be some lucky truckers that get an eye-ful!
I'll let you know when we make it to the other side!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Medical Transport
Cross your fingers, say your prayers and all that jazz. The staff here are making a big push to the insurance company to cover medical transport of the fruit babies to California. There are many medically relevant arguments as to why it is unsafe to both fly commercially or drive. So here's hoping!
Oh, and Peaches and Plum are doing just fine. Plum is off oxygen and both are gaining well. But bradycardic/apenic issues are still ongoing, although mild. The Snake is reveling in spending special time with the grandparents in Phoenix.
Here's hoping that in the next week or so we are all back together
Oh, and Peaches and Plum are doing just fine. Plum is off oxygen and both are gaining well. But bradycardic/apenic issues are still ongoing, although mild. The Snake is reveling in spending special time with the grandparents in Phoenix.
Here's hoping that in the next week or so we are all back together
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Where Is the Roundup?
Remember how I said the yellow brick road is a tad weed filled? Well, it seems Miss Peaches doesn't want to leave her brother just yet. As soon as I broadcast that she might be coming home, she promptly had several spells of bradycardia. So we are back to waiting. Most preemies need to have several days with no spells before the doctors will release them. Otherwise she is doing well and gaining weight -- she's over 5 lbs 8 oz now. We've even had some occasional success with breast feeding, but she is still not strong enough to exclusively nurse just yet.
Mr. Plum continues to need some oxygen support, but he is catching up to his sister at over 5 lbs 5oz. No word yet on the medical transport issue.
Of course now I have my own particular weeds to deal with. It would seem my milk supply has decided to suddenly plummet for no particular reason. I may have had a super mild cold that set things off, but this week my supply has simply cut itself in half. I'm trying to rest and started taking Fenugreek. Every time I express surprise at this new problem all the nurses and the lactation consultant say -- "uh, hello, could it be stress?" But I really don't feel all that stressed ... honest! My only responsibility right now is the babies. My friends whose house I'm staying at are out of town so I have the place to myself. I can come and go whenever I want. What is there to stress about? Maybe it's just left overs. Anyway, if my supply doesn't pick up by Monday, the consultant recommends trying Metaclop.rimide. Hopefully we won't need to go there.
I'm reading as many of you as I can, but can't comment too often. And a few of my favorites aren't in my reader and are bookmarked on the computer in Cali, so I'm missing you guys! Congrats to all those who have welcomed new family this summer and safe travels to all those yet to arrive.
Mr. Plum continues to need some oxygen support, but he is catching up to his sister at over 5 lbs 5oz. No word yet on the medical transport issue.
Of course now I have my own particular weeds to deal with. It would seem my milk supply has decided to suddenly plummet for no particular reason. I may have had a super mild cold that set things off, but this week my supply has simply cut itself in half. I'm trying to rest and started taking Fenugreek. Every time I express surprise at this new problem all the nurses and the lactation consultant say -- "uh, hello, could it be stress?" But I really don't feel all that stressed ... honest! My only responsibility right now is the babies. My friends whose house I'm staying at are out of town so I have the place to myself. I can come and go whenever I want. What is there to stress about? Maybe it's just left overs. Anyway, if my supply doesn't pick up by Monday, the consultant recommends trying Metaclop.rimide. Hopefully we won't need to go there.
I'm reading as many of you as I can, but can't comment too often. And a few of my favorites aren't in my reader and are bookmarked on the computer in Cali, so I'm missing you guys! Congrats to all those who have welcomed new family this summer and safe travels to all those yet to arrive.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Emerald City ...
is on the horizon. But at times the yellow brick road has been overgrow with weeds.
Babies are doing well. In fact, Peaches (our little girl, cause that's what her cheeks look like) may be discharged TOMORROW! So I've been scrambling for last minute things.
However, Plum (our little man) has been sort of up and down. Overall, it is still forward progress, but the bottom line is that he just isn't strong enough yet. He still needs some oxygen support while eating. We have a new attending doctor this week and she is going to try and see if we can get insurance to pay for medical transport to California for Plum (yeah new doctor!). This would potentially be great. Making the cross-country drive with just one baby who is relatively strong would be much easier than with 2 preemies. So say your prayers to the insurance gods that this goes through.
Otherwise life continues to be crazy and I wish I had the energy to be clever and entertaining. But hey -- I've got to go buy a changing pad or I'll be sleeping in a bed with yucky stuff on it!
Babies are doing well. In fact, Peaches (our little girl, cause that's what her cheeks look like) may be discharged TOMORROW! So I've been scrambling for last minute things.
However, Plum (our little man) has been sort of up and down. Overall, it is still forward progress, but the bottom line is that he just isn't strong enough yet. He still needs some oxygen support while eating. We have a new attending doctor this week and she is going to try and see if we can get insurance to pay for medical transport to California for Plum (yeah new doctor!). This would potentially be great. Making the cross-country drive with just one baby who is relatively strong would be much easier than with 2 preemies. So say your prayers to the insurance gods that this goes through.
Otherwise life continues to be crazy and I wish I had the energy to be clever and entertaining. But hey -- I've got to go buy a changing pad or I'll be sleeping in a bed with yucky stuff on it!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
One Shoe On, One Shoe Off
The scabs are coming! Who would have ever thought this is a good thing? But my shingles seems to be starting to scab over, which means the non-infectious state is right around the bend. Woo Hoo!
My little boy is doing better, he had a transfusion the other day and they added Re.glan to the Pre.vcid for his reflux. He has gained weight and is back down to room air with the nasal canula. Little girl continues to best him and is over 4 lbs and into a regular crib. I have a feeling she will be ready for discharge before him. But they are both still having spells, however at least some of them are self-resolving. And neither are bottling very well, so they both still have to conquer the whole eating thing.
The Snake is here for the weekend and we went blueberry picking this morning. It was easy and fun, but hot! Now he and dad are off to the hospital to see the little ones (I'm jealous).
So things are looking up. Thanks to everyone for their encouragement!
My little boy is doing better, he had a transfusion the other day and they added Re.glan to the Pre.vcid for his reflux. He has gained weight and is back down to room air with the nasal canula. Little girl continues to best him and is over 4 lbs and into a regular crib. I have a feeling she will be ready for discharge before him. But they are both still having spells, however at least some of them are self-resolving. And neither are bottling very well, so they both still have to conquer the whole eating thing.
The Snake is here for the weekend and we went blueberry picking this morning. It was easy and fun, but hot! Now he and dad are off to the hospital to see the little ones (I'm jealous).
So things are looking up. Thanks to everyone for their encouragement!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
One of the Other Shoes has Dropped
Just when I thought it couldn't get any more frustrating ... I started getting a rash. And it spread. Around the left side of my abdomen and across my back. But mysteriously stopped at my belly button and spine. Then it got redder and angry looking.
Solve the mystery? I have shingles. Yes, that's right, SHINGLES. That disease that old people get. And that means no more visits to the NICU, no holding my babies AGAIN.
Fortunately, Resident Boy was fairly quick to recognize it (despite having no dermatology expertise) and I saw the doctor quickly to start anti-viral meds. So hopefully those will shorten the course of things. Once my lesions start crusting over (lovely image right?) then I can go back to the hospital.
To top things off, my little boy is having more spells of bradycardia, or slow heart rate. To some extent this can be expected in preemies, but he was not having so many before and has been having them often the last few days. Plus, he did not gain much weight in the last couple days. The doctors finally started him on reflux medications, and we are waiting to hear results of some bloodwork. It is so frustrating that I can't go in to check on him tomorrow and talk face-to-face with the doctors. And my husband is leaving for his exam tomorrow morning and won't be back until late Friday night. So I have to do all the communicating by phone.
I just want to scream. I'm trying hard to just focus on how far our little man has come, and that he will get through this too.
Solve the mystery? I have shingles. Yes, that's right, SHINGLES. That disease that old people get. And that means no more visits to the NICU, no holding my babies AGAIN.
Fortunately, Resident Boy was fairly quick to recognize it (despite having no dermatology expertise) and I saw the doctor quickly to start anti-viral meds. So hopefully those will shorten the course of things. Once my lesions start crusting over (lovely image right?) then I can go back to the hospital.
To top things off, my little boy is having more spells of bradycardia, or slow heart rate. To some extent this can be expected in preemies, but he was not having so many before and has been having them often the last few days. Plus, he did not gain much weight in the last couple days. The doctors finally started him on reflux medications, and we are waiting to hear results of some bloodwork. It is so frustrating that I can't go in to check on him tomorrow and talk face-to-face with the doctors. And my husband is leaving for his exam tomorrow morning and won't be back until late Friday night. So I have to do all the communicating by phone.
I just want to scream. I'm trying hard to just focus on how far our little man has come, and that he will get through this too.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Heading Toward 34 weeks
What is one of the most frustrating things for a mom with babes in the NICU? To get a COLD! That's right, the sniffles, the cough, the sinus congestion. Which means ... no baby holding.
Such was the evil that visited itself upon me last week. But I am finally healthy again, and so I held and bottle fed two babies today. They are doing well, both are gaining weight and improving at taking the bottle. But both still have spells of bradycardia and occasional apnea. We are entering our third week in the NICU, and likely have more to go. But we are pleased at their progress and eagerly awaiting their discharge. Unfortunately, it looks as though that may fall after Resident Boy needs to start work. So that means I may be making the transcontinental drive with some other family member instead.
Things have been busy with paying bills, organizing our stuff and shopping for a new car. And now that the babies are eating more, I really have to step up the pumping. Which sucks. I spend more time setting up and breaking down the pumping stuff than actually pumping. I can not wait to give them a try at breastfeeding, but I know that the pumping is still going to be happening for awhile, especially with the drive cross-county.
Oh, I need help (okay, lots of it but that is another story). I don't want to use the babies' real names, I don't want to use initials. They need nick-names, but I never came up with anything when they were in my belly -- and now I'm too tired to get really creative now that they are out. You know big brother is The Snake (for rhyming reasons), and Dad will need a new name now that he is no longer a resident. But I don't have much of a theme to work with. So I'm opening the forum for suggestions. Let me know what you think. I'll do my best to rack my brain too, but don't count on anything brilliant.
A bunch of little things happened on Friday (non-baby-related) that I want to blog about -- but they need my full attention and it is almost time to pump (again!). So look forward to topics like Pop-eye Transvestite and lipstick at the dinner table.
Such was the evil that visited itself upon me last week. But I am finally healthy again, and so I held and bottle fed two babies today. They are doing well, both are gaining weight and improving at taking the bottle. But both still have spells of bradycardia and occasional apnea. We are entering our third week in the NICU, and likely have more to go. But we are pleased at their progress and eagerly awaiting their discharge. Unfortunately, it looks as though that may fall after Resident Boy needs to start work. So that means I may be making the transcontinental drive with some other family member instead.
Things have been busy with paying bills, organizing our stuff and shopping for a new car. And now that the babies are eating more, I really have to step up the pumping. Which sucks. I spend more time setting up and breaking down the pumping stuff than actually pumping. I can not wait to give them a try at breastfeeding, but I know that the pumping is still going to be happening for awhile, especially with the drive cross-county.
Oh, I need help (okay, lots of it but that is another story). I don't want to use the babies' real names, I don't want to use initials. They need nick-names, but I never came up with anything when they were in my belly -- and now I'm too tired to get really creative now that they are out. You know big brother is The Snake (for rhyming reasons), and Dad will need a new name now that he is no longer a resident. But I don't have much of a theme to work with. So I'm opening the forum for suggestions. Let me know what you think. I'll do my best to rack my brain too, but don't count on anything brilliant.
A bunch of little things happened on Friday (non-baby-related) that I want to blog about -- but they need my full attention and it is almost time to pump (again!). So look forward to topics like Pop-eye Transvestite and lipstick at the dinner table.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Birth
Like the previous seventeen days in the hospital, June 26th began with a blood draw. Then a visit from the resident, the nurse's aid, the arrival of the breakfast tray. It was just like all the others. The morning routine had its own rhythm, unvaried over the course of my stay. No reason to think it would change. 31 weeks and 1 day.
By mid-morning the nurse arrived to set me up for monitoring of the babies' heart rates and any contractions. We had finally mastered getting the two babes tracings separated, as their chests were lying right next to one another in my belly. There was a little trick, which I showed each new nurse. Baby boy needed just the right angle, and like magic, there were two clearly different heart beats. But that morning turned out a bit different.
Initially, all was fine. But about half way through monitoring our boy had a brief deceleration in his heart rate, dropping down to the 80s before we lost his tracing altogether. His heart beat was quickly found again and he rebounded back to the 140s. The supposition was that he had briefly compressed his umbilical cord, not surprising with his low amniotic fluid levels from the rupture. We opted to monitor for a bit longer than usual, and just before stopping he had another deceleration. These episodes were not linked to any contractions, although I had been having some occasionally for several days, but without regularity.
The attending MFM sent me down to the Labor and Delivery floor for a period of continuous monitoring. Resident Boy arrived to be with me, and we got all set up for the duration. Still the consensus was that I would be there for the afternoon and likely return to the 5th floor by evening. Of course my darling surgeon husband cautioned me not to eat lunch, on the chance I was headed to c-section. I scoffed and teased him, as did the nurses. And promptly asked for at least a popsicle.
I lounged through a couple hours of monitor and a sonogram of the babies, with no relevant problems. A friend stopped by, ironically the friend whom I was visiting when my membranes ruptured. Then the labor/delivery attending stopped in to introduce himself. He asked basic questions, including asking if I was having any contractions. To which I answered no. Then Resident Boy watches as the tocometer begins to climb. The attending exits, commenting that I would likely be monitored for a bit longer and then be sent back upstairs. (Yeah, right) I promptly begin having the largest contraction I've had in the hospital, and proceed to continue contracting every 8-10 minutes. So much for going back to my cushy room up on five.
Baby Boy does not like the contractions. His heart rate routinely drops after each one, generally recovering fairly quickly. They quickly set me up with IV fluids and oxygen, have me lie on my left side to try and keep Baby Boy happier. The contractions do ease in intensity somewhat, but continue to come. The doctors briefly put out hope that maybe the contractions will stop, but my husband and I both know this is the end of bedrest.
By now it is evening and after about 40 minutes, the doctors concede that it seems unlikely that the contractions will abate. And our boy is still not liking them. The decision is made by all that c-section is the best choice to keep everyone safe. Luckily by this time, my last heparin dose is about 12 hours old, so I can have a spinal and be awake for the delivery.
Things move quite quickly from there out. Fortunately, the labor floor is quiet and everyone can move efficiently, but without being overly rushed. Resident Boy knows the anesthesia resident, and fortunately he is only days from completing his residency. (one week later, and I could have had a much greener resident) He does a great job with the spinal, and I am quickly prepped for the section.
Having never had any type of surgery before, the sensations were strange. I was fortunate not to get nausea or other types of side effects of the spinal. The surgeons delivered our little girl first, and I was relieve to hear a tiny cry from her. One minute later, our boy was delivered with a similar little cry. My husband was right there at the isolettes watching all that was done.
Within a few minutes it was determined that our girl would need intubation and likely surfactant to help her breathe. Our boy looked a little better initially, but within minutes required the same therapy. Everyone assured me they both looked very good and they were doing fine.
It was hard to hear everyone bustling around and caring for them, but not to be able to see anything. My husband popped back to me every few minutes, but most of the time I could not see him either. While they sewed me up, I still had not seen my babies. They whisked them off to the NICU, and I could hardly see into the isolettes. While I knew this was the best thing for them, it was difficult. And I was so disappointed that they needed to be placed on the ventilator. I understood how important it was for them to have that assistance, but I had secretly hoped that my babies would manage to avoid it.
My recovery from the spinal was smooth, and they took me up to the NICU to see my little ones. It was hard to just look at them. Not touch them or smell them. To see their faces covered with tubes and tape. To see just how tiny they were. To have too much knowledge, and to know all the pitfalls that could lie ahead.
As you may already know, we were blessed. So far these tiny infants have shown themselves to be incredibly strong and resilient. This week they have been making small strides in gaining weight, and the only tubes in their bodies are the nasogastric feeding tubes. We are so fortunate.
Shane David and Rebecca Ann, the first time they were reunited.
By mid-morning the nurse arrived to set me up for monitoring of the babies' heart rates and any contractions. We had finally mastered getting the two babes tracings separated, as their chests were lying right next to one another in my belly. There was a little trick, which I showed each new nurse. Baby boy needed just the right angle, and like magic, there were two clearly different heart beats. But that morning turned out a bit different.
Initially, all was fine. But about half way through monitoring our boy had a brief deceleration in his heart rate, dropping down to the 80s before we lost his tracing altogether. His heart beat was quickly found again and he rebounded back to the 140s. The supposition was that he had briefly compressed his umbilical cord, not surprising with his low amniotic fluid levels from the rupture. We opted to monitor for a bit longer than usual, and just before stopping he had another deceleration. These episodes were not linked to any contractions, although I had been having some occasionally for several days, but without regularity.
The attending MFM sent me down to the Labor and Delivery floor for a period of continuous monitoring. Resident Boy arrived to be with me, and we got all set up for the duration. Still the consensus was that I would be there for the afternoon and likely return to the 5th floor by evening. Of course my darling surgeon husband cautioned me not to eat lunch, on the chance I was headed to c-section. I scoffed and teased him, as did the nurses. And promptly asked for at least a popsicle.
I lounged through a couple hours of monitor and a sonogram of the babies, with no relevant problems. A friend stopped by, ironically the friend whom I was visiting when my membranes ruptured. Then the labor/delivery attending stopped in to introduce himself. He asked basic questions, including asking if I was having any contractions. To which I answered no. Then Resident Boy watches as the tocometer begins to climb. The attending exits, commenting that I would likely be monitored for a bit longer and then be sent back upstairs. (Yeah, right) I promptly begin having the largest contraction I've had in the hospital, and proceed to continue contracting every 8-10 minutes. So much for going back to my cushy room up on five.
Baby Boy does not like the contractions. His heart rate routinely drops after each one, generally recovering fairly quickly. They quickly set me up with IV fluids and oxygen, have me lie on my left side to try and keep Baby Boy happier. The contractions do ease in intensity somewhat, but continue to come. The doctors briefly put out hope that maybe the contractions will stop, but my husband and I both know this is the end of bedrest.
By now it is evening and after about 40 minutes, the doctors concede that it seems unlikely that the contractions will abate. And our boy is still not liking them. The decision is made by all that c-section is the best choice to keep everyone safe. Luckily by this time, my last heparin dose is about 12 hours old, so I can have a spinal and be awake for the delivery.
Things move quite quickly from there out. Fortunately, the labor floor is quiet and everyone can move efficiently, but without being overly rushed. Resident Boy knows the anesthesia resident, and fortunately he is only days from completing his residency. (one week later, and I could have had a much greener resident) He does a great job with the spinal, and I am quickly prepped for the section.
Having never had any type of surgery before, the sensations were strange. I was fortunate not to get nausea or other types of side effects of the spinal. The surgeons delivered our little girl first, and I was relieve to hear a tiny cry from her. One minute later, our boy was delivered with a similar little cry. My husband was right there at the isolettes watching all that was done.
Within a few minutes it was determined that our girl would need intubation and likely surfactant to help her breathe. Our boy looked a little better initially, but within minutes required the same therapy. Everyone assured me they both looked very good and they were doing fine.
It was hard to hear everyone bustling around and caring for them, but not to be able to see anything. My husband popped back to me every few minutes, but most of the time I could not see him either. While they sewed me up, I still had not seen my babies. They whisked them off to the NICU, and I could hardly see into the isolettes. While I knew this was the best thing for them, it was difficult. And I was so disappointed that they needed to be placed on the ventilator. I understood how important it was for them to have that assistance, but I had secretly hoped that my babies would manage to avoid it.
My recovery from the spinal was smooth, and they took me up to the NICU to see my little ones. It was hard to just look at them. Not touch them or smell them. To see their faces covered with tubes and tape. To see just how tiny they were. To have too much knowledge, and to know all the pitfalls that could lie ahead.
As you may already know, we were blessed. So far these tiny infants have shown themselves to be incredibly strong and resilient. This week they have been making small strides in gaining weight, and the only tubes in their bodies are the nasogastric feeding tubes. We are so fortunate.
Shane David and Rebecca Ann, the first time they were reunited.Friday, July 4, 2008
Transitions
Baby update:
Yesterday was the babies 1-week birthday, and we got a special surprise -- we got to offer them their first bottles. Our boy had to stay in his isolette since he still had an umbilical IV, but it was still wonderful. Initially the doctors had said they would need to be 33 weeks gestational age to try this, but they have been doing so well, that they decided to go for it. Both babies managed a few mls, and gave a few good suck-swallows (what google searches will that snag?).
Today, our boy had his umbilical IV removed and I got to hold him for the first time. He was very alert and looking all around. After we took the bottle away, he kept trying to suck his fingers or thumb and did a pretty good job at it! Our girlie was pretty pooped out today and didn't do as well as yesterday, but slept like an angel in Daddy's arms.
Mommy update:
Overall, I'm doing okay, but feel a little blue tonight. I'm healing quickly and thrilled the babies are doing so well. Our friends, who we are staying with now that the house is sold, are wonderful and generous with their space and time. I'm with my loving husband. But ... my first born has been away for nearly a month (staying with grandparents and aunt 2 hours away). When I was in the hospital, it was easy since it was impossible to care for him, and neither could Resident Boy while he finished work. But now we are both home and I am getting stronger. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to totally care for him on my own, and my husband has to study for his boards. The Snake is really enjoying the camp he is going to with his cousin, but tonight he apparently had a rough night. It gets tough for him right before he comes home for the weekend. And he knows I am home from the hospital, and it is hard for a 5-year-old to understand why he can't be with me now.
I'm struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. At the grocery the other day I was flooded with envy as a saw a pregnant woman. All those bitter IF feelings rose right to the surface. Why couldn't it have been easy for me? Why did these things have to happen to us? Why does our life have to be in chaos? That sense of unfairness just surged through me. I am confused at not feeling pregnant any longer. The entire experience just feels truncated. Amputated. Artificial. While I know that we are blessed that our babies are healthy and doing very well under the circumstances, I feel so disconnected from the entire situation. We sit and plan about car seats and what to do when the babies come home, but it feels unreal, surreal.
We are rootless. I exited the hospital and entered no-man's-land. I have no idea when we will reach California or how I will establish a home there. I never saw my first house again. I never took a moment to cherish the memories we made there. Our first home, our first child.
I am tired. I am tired of turmoil. I am tired of upheaval. I want simple mornings, peaceful afternoons, tranquil evenings. Unlikely any of that will come soon, I suppose.
Know that I am only a bit down tonight and need to spew these feeling out. I'm sorry that I so often share the tough days and not always the happy ones. Tomorrow the sun will shine, The Snake will be here and I will move forward. There will be smiles, of that I'm sure. And each time I hold my babies they will be bound closer to my heart.
Birth story and pictures soon, I promise.
Yesterday was the babies 1-week birthday, and we got a special surprise -- we got to offer them their first bottles. Our boy had to stay in his isolette since he still had an umbilical IV, but it was still wonderful. Initially the doctors had said they would need to be 33 weeks gestational age to try this, but they have been doing so well, that they decided to go for it. Both babies managed a few mls, and gave a few good suck-swallows (what google searches will that snag?).
Today, our boy had his umbilical IV removed and I got to hold him for the first time. He was very alert and looking all around. After we took the bottle away, he kept trying to suck his fingers or thumb and did a pretty good job at it! Our girlie was pretty pooped out today and didn't do as well as yesterday, but slept like an angel in Daddy's arms.
Mommy update:
Overall, I'm doing okay, but feel a little blue tonight. I'm healing quickly and thrilled the babies are doing so well. Our friends, who we are staying with now that the house is sold, are wonderful and generous with their space and time. I'm with my loving husband. But ... my first born has been away for nearly a month (staying with grandparents and aunt 2 hours away). When I was in the hospital, it was easy since it was impossible to care for him, and neither could Resident Boy while he finished work. But now we are both home and I am getting stronger. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to totally care for him on my own, and my husband has to study for his boards. The Snake is really enjoying the camp he is going to with his cousin, but tonight he apparently had a rough night. It gets tough for him right before he comes home for the weekend. And he knows I am home from the hospital, and it is hard for a 5-year-old to understand why he can't be with me now.
I'm struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. At the grocery the other day I was flooded with envy as a saw a pregnant woman. All those bitter IF feelings rose right to the surface. Why couldn't it have been easy for me? Why did these things have to happen to us? Why does our life have to be in chaos? That sense of unfairness just surged through me. I am confused at not feeling pregnant any longer. The entire experience just feels truncated. Amputated. Artificial. While I know that we are blessed that our babies are healthy and doing very well under the circumstances, I feel so disconnected from the entire situation. We sit and plan about car seats and what to do when the babies come home, but it feels unreal, surreal.
We are rootless. I exited the hospital and entered no-man's-land. I have no idea when we will reach California or how I will establish a home there. I never saw my first house again. I never took a moment to cherish the memories we made there. Our first home, our first child.
I am tired. I am tired of turmoil. I am tired of upheaval. I want simple mornings, peaceful afternoons, tranquil evenings. Unlikely any of that will come soon, I suppose.
Know that I am only a bit down tonight and need to spew these feeling out. I'm sorry that I so often share the tough days and not always the happy ones. Tomorrow the sun will shine, The Snake will be here and I will move forward. There will be smiles, of that I'm sure. And each time I hold my babies they will be bound closer to my heart.
Birth story and pictures soon, I promise.
Monday, June 30, 2008
No Longer Hangin' -- Babies Arrived
On Thursday, June 26 at 8:18 and 8:19 pm our little boy and little girl arrived via C-section (2.5 and 3.5 pounds respectively).
They have made huge strides in the four days they have been in this world. Initially intubated, given surfactant and placed on a ventilator -- now they are breathing room air. Both are now tolerating oral feedings through the OG tube. They are tiny, but look good.
The experience has been overwhelming and the logistics of our lives continues to be wildly complicated. But we are keeping our heads above water.
I'll post more with the birth story and updates soon. But tonight is my first night out of the hospital in 21 days, and it is time to sleep. Thank you for all your encouragement and support.
They have made huge strides in the four days they have been in this world. Initially intubated, given surfactant and placed on a ventilator -- now they are breathing room air. Both are now tolerating oral feedings through the OG tube. They are tiny, but look good.
The experience has been overwhelming and the logistics of our lives continues to be wildly complicated. But we are keeping our heads above water.
I'll post more with the birth story and updates soon. But tonight is my first night out of the hospital in 21 days, and it is time to sleep. Thank you for all your encouragement and support.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Still Hangin' In
Ahhh -- finally an internet connection! So this will be quick and not well crafted post, before I lose the connection.
First things first -- babies still in the belly. Ten days in and now at 30 weeks and 2 days. No signs of labor or infection so far. I have had a few more intermittent contractions the last 2 days, but I think the babies have grown too and there's been a lot of stretching and discomfort from that.
My only treatment now is twice a day heparin to prevent blood clots, and my vitamins and precious colace. The main thing is lots of monitoring to be sure the babies are doing fine. I get monitored 3 times a day, and those stinkers are not always cooperative. Occasionally we get a beautiful strip, but often they move around (especially the girl) and then we wind up monitoring only one baby. I was getting biophysical profiles daily, but since I tended to obsess about little boy's fluid levels (he's the ruptured one) they opted to go to every other, especially since I've been so stable.
One nurse compared each day in utero as saving us 3 days in the NICU. So today I had her again, and she congratulated me that with 10 days on bed rest I've saved a month in the NICU. Cool, huh?
But the tour we took of the NICU the other night was a bit daunting. I wasn't totally shocked by the size of some babies, but I just keep thinking about the fact that they were probably singletons, and my babies would not be as big as those I was seeing. Although I know twins mature a little faster and have that advantage, and that I received steroids -- it is still tough to think about how tiny less than 3 pounds will be. If I get through the weekend, I think we will finally get another full scan with the ultrasound tech and do measurements to estimate size. If they are both over that 3 pound mark I'll be happy, cause I think a lot of stats are better for babies over 1500 grams.
As for the rest of life, it seems to be falling into place as everyone has suggested it will. Resident Boy's family has arrived to stay in the neighboring Canadian city where The Snake is staying with his aunt. So there will be three adults to oversee him and his cousin. The in-laws also helped clean out a bunch of the house junk, and will help finish up again next week. Best of all Resident Boy's LAST day was today! Huzzhah! So, now he will focus on studying for his boards in July. He will forgo the review course that is far away. I was selfish and told him I was not comfortable with him being in a remote area of New England with no simple direct flights back to our city. Being on heparin means if I go for emergent C-section that I can't have a spinal or epidural, only general. I'm not happy about that in general, but especially not if he was out of town. Someone needs to be available to make medical decisions.
The Snake is doing okay with being away, but when his cousin goes to her father's on his custody days it's a little tougher for him. Last night he called and worriedly asked if he would have to spend the entire summer with his aunt. I told him I wasn't sure, but didn't think so, but we would have to see. How helpful was that? The uncertainty was hard for him (gee, where do you think he gets that from?). I'm hoping once the babies actually come and we have a better idea of time lines that we can settle him better.
I'd better post this before I lose my connection. Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes! I'll do my best to keep you updated. Hoping you all are doing well.
First things first -- babies still in the belly. Ten days in and now at 30 weeks and 2 days. No signs of labor or infection so far. I have had a few more intermittent contractions the last 2 days, but I think the babies have grown too and there's been a lot of stretching and discomfort from that.
My only treatment now is twice a day heparin to prevent blood clots, and my vitamins and precious colace. The main thing is lots of monitoring to be sure the babies are doing fine. I get monitored 3 times a day, and those stinkers are not always cooperative. Occasionally we get a beautiful strip, but often they move around (especially the girl) and then we wind up monitoring only one baby. I was getting biophysical profiles daily, but since I tended to obsess about little boy's fluid levels (he's the ruptured one) they opted to go to every other, especially since I've been so stable.
One nurse compared each day in utero as saving us 3 days in the NICU. So today I had her again, and she congratulated me that with 10 days on bed rest I've saved a month in the NICU. Cool, huh?
But the tour we took of the NICU the other night was a bit daunting. I wasn't totally shocked by the size of some babies, but I just keep thinking about the fact that they were probably singletons, and my babies would not be as big as those I was seeing. Although I know twins mature a little faster and have that advantage, and that I received steroids -- it is still tough to think about how tiny less than 3 pounds will be. If I get through the weekend, I think we will finally get another full scan with the ultrasound tech and do measurements to estimate size. If they are both over that 3 pound mark I'll be happy, cause I think a lot of stats are better for babies over 1500 grams.
As for the rest of life, it seems to be falling into place as everyone has suggested it will. Resident Boy's family has arrived to stay in the neighboring Canadian city where The Snake is staying with his aunt. So there will be three adults to oversee him and his cousin. The in-laws also helped clean out a bunch of the house junk, and will help finish up again next week. Best of all Resident Boy's LAST day was today! Huzzhah! So, now he will focus on studying for his boards in July. He will forgo the review course that is far away. I was selfish and told him I was not comfortable with him being in a remote area of New England with no simple direct flights back to our city. Being on heparin means if I go for emergent C-section that I can't have a spinal or epidural, only general. I'm not happy about that in general, but especially not if he was out of town. Someone needs to be available to make medical decisions.
The Snake is doing okay with being away, but when his cousin goes to her father's on his custody days it's a little tougher for him. Last night he called and worriedly asked if he would have to spend the entire summer with his aunt. I told him I wasn't sure, but didn't think so, but we would have to see. How helpful was that? The uncertainty was hard for him (gee, where do you think he gets that from?). I'm hoping once the babies actually come and we have a better idea of time lines that we can settle him better.
I'd better post this before I lose my connection. Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes! I'll do my best to keep you updated. Hoping you all are doing well.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Status Quo
So far, so good. No fever, no signs of infection or labor. Our little boy is still making fluid and that is making it easier to feel them both now. They are driving the nurses crazy for monitoring as their heart rates are so often similar and then hang out right next to one another. The nurses can almost never get separate tracings of their heart rates.
Sonograms all look good so far. Now it is just waiting. My butt and back are getting stiff, but whatever.
The logistical nightmare continues. Our lawyer actually called saying the buyers of our house are getting all freaked out. Resident Boy was kinda upset being the lawyer should be working for us and more concerned about our situation. I'm going to handle it today. He got slammed yesterday trying to make up the on-call night he missed on Tuesday -- so he had been in surgery for 24 hours straight. I'm going to try and tackle the utilities issues and pay bills today as the WiFi seems to have spottily kicked in.
My brother should be out in Santa Monica receiving the moving delivery today. But we still haven't figured out who or how he will get the stuff into the apartment. Oh yeah, then the realty group give Resident Boy a hard time when he clues them in on our plans that they need a fax from him saying he gives my brother permission to get into our apartment. If we hadn't told them they wouldn't even have known. Liability issues in our country are just getting ridiculous.
Okay, better use the WiFi for more essential things before I lose it. I'll do my best to keep you updated. Thanks for all your support -- it really means a lot. I'm not a pray-er, but I'll take those too.
Sonograms all look good so far. Now it is just waiting. My butt and back are getting stiff, but whatever.
The logistical nightmare continues. Our lawyer actually called saying the buyers of our house are getting all freaked out. Resident Boy was kinda upset being the lawyer should be working for us and more concerned about our situation. I'm going to handle it today. He got slammed yesterday trying to make up the on-call night he missed on Tuesday -- so he had been in surgery for 24 hours straight. I'm going to try and tackle the utilities issues and pay bills today as the WiFi seems to have spottily kicked in.
My brother should be out in Santa Monica receiving the moving delivery today. But we still haven't figured out who or how he will get the stuff into the apartment. Oh yeah, then the realty group give Resident Boy a hard time when he clues them in on our plans that they need a fax from him saying he gives my brother permission to get into our apartment. If we hadn't told them they wouldn't even have known. Liability issues in our country are just getting ridiculous.
Okay, better use the WiFi for more essential things before I lose it. I'll do my best to keep you updated. Thanks for all your support -- it really means a lot. I'm not a pray-er, but I'll take those too.
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