Humpf.

Wow. Haven't posted here in over a year. It's likely I'm not in anyone's reader any more.

A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?

My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.

Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.

But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.

But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?

I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.