Well, after all those borderline doubling betas ... it looks like we will be doubling our fun!
That's right, two sacs, two heartbeats. I'm in shock.
The betas were so lowish, and with the spotting last week -- I really thought there had been a vanishing twin. But it looks like it decided to stick around after all. The measurements for both are 3-4 days behind the 6w5d we are at, but the RE is not concerned. Heart rates were 112 and 117. They want me to return again in one week before stopping the PIO, then I'll be released to an OB (which I don't have).
I am still totally floored. Thrilled, excited and very scared. This means our move to LA will have to totally be re-thought. The logistics and the health insurance issues are scary. I know it will all get worked out, and in the end it will just mean spending more money -- but its a little daunting. I'm trying to push all that aside and just enjoy this moment. This amazing moment.
Resident Boy is in surgery and I haven't been able to talk to him yet. So I can't publish this or call my mom or anyone else until he calls! Aaahh! Okay, got the call, so now I can post. More info to follow soon.
Showing posts with label IVF #3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF #3. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Gone
Now its gone again. Its like I'm having little bursts of bleeding at the end of the day, then its is over by morning. The cramping was the scary part and lasted about 2-3 hours. This morning I feel much more nauseous, so I'm figuring the levels are going up.
I thought I'd call the RE today, but I just don't want to. Thanks chicklet, for wanting to get me more tests. And in one way that might make me feel better, but the reality is that until I hit 12 weeks with a heartbeat, I don't think I'll settle down much. I'm just going to try to hold out to u/s on Monday.
Then DH and I fought last night cause he said something typically inappropriate, so of course I returned the favor and we didn't do much to make each other feel better.
Thanks for feeling bad for me. Thanks for not saying too much. Thanks for being there.
I thought I'd call the RE today, but I just don't want to. Thanks chicklet, for wanting to get me more tests. And in one way that might make me feel better, but the reality is that until I hit 12 weeks with a heartbeat, I don't think I'll settle down much. I'm just going to try to hold out to u/s on Monday.
Then DH and I fought last night cause he said something typically inappropriate, so of course I returned the favor and we didn't do much to make each other feel better.
Thanks for feeling bad for me. Thanks for not saying too much. Thanks for being there.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Again
Spotting, again. This time with more reddish-ness and more cramping. I'm worried.
I know this can be normal etc., etc., etc.
I'm trying to remain calm. Hopefully it will be over in the morning like last time. But it's hard to believe this could be a good thing.
More wait and see.
I know this can be normal etc., etc., etc.
I'm trying to remain calm. Hopefully it will be over in the morning like last time. But it's hard to believe this could be a good thing.
More wait and see.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Tease *Updated*
It's official -- my body is a tease (bitch). After a quiet dinner where all 3 of us toasted with sparkling cranberry juice, DH and I watched a movie. I was planning on breaking our recent stretch of celibacy since yesterday's news had been so good. It seemed like a nice way to bring in the new year.
Then I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Yup, spotting (bitch). Only rose-brown, very scant, but definitely there. I'd had a little mild tightening/cramping earlier, but that had been going on periodically before. I thought that I would freak out, but I just feel defeated. I know this could be normal. Perhaps just shedding that extra sac-like thing. This really could be nothing.
But I still feel a vague tightness in my pelvis; there is still scant discharge. The worst part is I know this torment will probably go on for days. I will not know how this is going to end for awhile. So that bitch just keeps teasing me.
I'll wait before contacting the RE. No point. Too early for them to be able to tell me anything. I suppose if this goes on, I'll call to repeat the beta in a few days.
When I made my coffee the sun came out and the lawn was covered with fresh snow. Now the clouds have rolled in. It's gray and dim.
*************************UPDATE******************************************
It is still gray and cold and snowing. But the spotting seems to have stopped. Phew. Whether it was a remnant sac or old implantational blood, I don't care. So long as it doesn't come back. Thanks for all the encouragement and communal worrying.
And Lori, the movie was excellent. Of course, we love this series and have seen them all multiple times. I recommend a marathon, especially if you haven't seen the early ones in awhile. (plus we know one of the stuntmen who works these films, and we love to watch and try and guess what parts he might have done)
Then I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Yup, spotting (bitch). Only rose-brown, very scant, but definitely there. I'd had a little mild tightening/cramping earlier, but that had been going on periodically before. I thought that I would freak out, but I just feel defeated. I know this could be normal. Perhaps just shedding that extra sac-like thing. This really could be nothing.
But I still feel a vague tightness in my pelvis; there is still scant discharge. The worst part is I know this torment will probably go on for days. I will not know how this is going to end for awhile. So that bitch just keeps teasing me.
I'll wait before contacting the RE. No point. Too early for them to be able to tell me anything. I suppose if this goes on, I'll call to repeat the beta in a few days.
When I made my coffee the sun came out and the lawn was covered with fresh snow. Now the clouds have rolled in. It's gray and dim.
*************************UPDATE******************************************
It is still gray and cold and snowing. But the spotting seems to have stopped. Phew. Whether it was a remnant sac or old implantational blood, I don't care. So long as it doesn't come back. Thanks for all the encouragement and communal worrying.
And Lori, the movie was excellent. Of course, we love this series and have seen them all multiple times. I recommend a marathon, especially if you haven't seen the early ones in awhile. (plus we know one of the stuntmen who works these films, and we love to watch and try and guess what parts he might have done)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wishing a Happier New Year to ALL
I started this year with a D&C for blighted ovum. I'm ending the year pregnant. But I still worry that next year will start the same. Despite the fact that everything seems to be going fine.
My u/s this morning showed one definite gestational sac in my uterus, and maybe a little something else. Dr. Mumbles would not elaborate any further, and I decided not to ask. I certainly don't thing he anticipates twins in our future. When I pushed him to comment on my progress, he said things looked alright, but we were NOT out of the woods yet. I can't tell if he is just being cautious with my feelings, or whether he is concerned about my slightly slow progress. Today I am 5w5d (or 5w6d depending if you include ER day) -- and we were just finally able to see the sac. It wasn't clear to me if he could see the yolk sac, and the gestational sac looked a little small to me, but he said it was fine. It turns out my beta today was 4100, which doubled in 48hrs from 1950 on Saturday. So this is good, since things can slow down after you reach 2000.
So basically, everything looks fine. My numbers fall in the acceptable ranges, we saw the sac easily once we were over 2000. Yet I just can't get excited, not yet. I do have moments -- I'll think about "when the baby comes," but then I smack myself and yell "FOOL!" I hate that I've become this. I want the next 1-2 weeks to speed by. I want to see that heartbeat. I want to breathe and be relieved. But I worry that I'll find something else to worry about.
At the close of this year, I want to say thank you. To everyone who has welcomed and supported me these last months. I didn't expect that blogging would become such an essential part of my day (it has in fact been a bit addictive). I certainly didn't expect to find so many amazing women who I admire and respect and feel that I've come to know. I hope to meet some of you in the future, and I look forward to having you along with me for this journey. No matter how long it lasts.
My u/s this morning showed one definite gestational sac in my uterus, and maybe a little something else. Dr. Mumbles would not elaborate any further, and I decided not to ask. I certainly don't thing he anticipates twins in our future. When I pushed him to comment on my progress, he said things looked alright, but we were NOT out of the woods yet. I can't tell if he is just being cautious with my feelings, or whether he is concerned about my slightly slow progress. Today I am 5w5d (or 5w6d depending if you include ER day) -- and we were just finally able to see the sac. It wasn't clear to me if he could see the yolk sac, and the gestational sac looked a little small to me, but he said it was fine. It turns out my beta today was 4100, which doubled in 48hrs from 1950 on Saturday. So this is good, since things can slow down after you reach 2000.
So basically, everything looks fine. My numbers fall in the acceptable ranges, we saw the sac easily once we were over 2000. Yet I just can't get excited, not yet. I do have moments -- I'll think about "when the baby comes," but then I smack myself and yell "FOOL!" I hate that I've become this. I want the next 1-2 weeks to speed by. I want to see that heartbeat. I want to breathe and be relieved. But I worry that I'll find something else to worry about.
At the close of this year, I want to say thank you. To everyone who has welcomed and supported me these last months. I didn't expect that blogging would become such an essential part of my day (it has in fact been a bit addictive). I certainly didn't expect to find so many amazing women who I admire and respect and feel that I've come to know. I hope to meet some of you in the future, and I look forward to having you along with me for this journey. No matter how long it lasts.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Maybe
I feel like a tease. My beta today was deemed "acceptable." It was 1950, and based on the original 100 at 15 dpo the RE says it should be about 2000 today, 24 dpo. So maybe I'm still in the game. I'm having trouble believing it, which certainly is driving the DH bonkers.
Dr. Mumbles isn't really sure why that number from PA was so out of whack, but he says things look okay. However, during the u/s he could not be certain he saw the gestational sac. This naturally worries me too. I'm 5w4d, so we are right on the cusp of seeing it and the fetal pole. He says its still early. But I'm sensing he was a little disappointed not to see it, especially after the beta was so close to 2000. At the beginning of the u/s we all thought there was possibly something maybe 1-2 mm in the uterus. But when he went back later, he couldn't seem to find it again. So, its back again on Monday for another u/s and probably beta.
I'm trying to believe this will work out. I have had 4-5 nasty pimples breakout in the last 48hrs. And my boobs are finally a bit swollen and tender, although the severity varies through the day. That is SO different from my pregnancy with The Snake. Then my bo.obs got big and hard (oh g-d, who will goog.le bring for that one?) and stayed that way. I know every time is different etc. But its hard not to compare.
Alright, my mission is to NOT obsess. Think I'll succeed? ha, ha, ha, ha
Dr. Mumbles isn't really sure why that number from PA was so out of whack, but he says things look okay. However, during the u/s he could not be certain he saw the gestational sac. This naturally worries me too. I'm 5w4d, so we are right on the cusp of seeing it and the fetal pole. He says its still early. But I'm sensing he was a little disappointed not to see it, especially after the beta was so close to 2000. At the beginning of the u/s we all thought there was possibly something maybe 1-2 mm in the uterus. But when he went back later, he couldn't seem to find it again. So, its back again on Monday for another u/s and probably beta.
I'm trying to believe this will work out. I have had 4-5 nasty pimples breakout in the last 48hrs. And my boobs are finally a bit swollen and tender, although the severity varies through the day. That is SO different from my pregnancy with The Snake. Then my bo.obs got big and hard (oh g-d, who will goog.le bring for that one?) and stayed that way. I know every time is different etc. But its hard not to compare.
Alright, my mission is to NOT obsess. Think I'll succeed? ha, ha, ha, ha
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Not So Doublicious
Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.
Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.
I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)
So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.
Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.
I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)
So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Double Time
Got the call -- second beta 260. Doubling time about 35 hours. RE seemed happy. Still rechecking on Wed 25th, just in order to schedule u/s, which will probably be next Saturday.
I am so relieved. I can't believe this might actually happen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone -- especially those who told me to keep the faith and hang in there when I was silly crazy. You all have been most wonderful.
And I'm thinking of all my cyclesistas. I wish we were all in the same boat. Hang in there ladies. A new year is on the way.
More later, but I've got to run. The Snake is getting into trouble after 7 hours in a car. Oh, we arrive safely in PA!
I am so relieved. I can't believe this might actually happen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone -- especially those who told me to keep the faith and hang in there when I was silly crazy. You all have been most wonderful.
And I'm thinking of all my cyclesistas. I wish we were all in the same boat. Hang in there ladies. A new year is on the way.
More later, but I've got to run. The Snake is getting into trouble after 7 hours in a car. Oh, we arrive safely in PA!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Beta In
The nurse just called -- beta is 101. They like to see it over 100, but I am a day earlier than originally planned. But, they are already planning for the third beta, anticipating that Saturday's might be so-so. I can't blame them, last year I had the blighted ovum with slowly rising betas. They also want to be sure it is not ectopic or anything -- but somehow I feel pretty certain that's not going to be an issue.
I still have virtually no symptoms, just some mild cramping the last 2 days, and some evening fatigue. Maybe a little bit increased boobs this am, but mild to say the least. It's freaking me out a little.
Now I'm having anxiety as to whether I should head to Pennsylvania on Saturday. I'll probably get my results while I'm driving there, which might be a bad thing. If the numbers aren't good, then I have to have a blood draw on Wednesday, which I can do in PA and have faxed to them. But, of course, it will probably cost me out of pocket. So I don't know if this holiday is going to be much fun. I'm really worried that if the numbers don't double, I'll be alone without DH. But I have to go, The Snake is SO looking forward to Christmas at his grandmother's house. I could delay a day and leave Sunday, but I hate letting IF run my life again. I'll have to think about it. What would you do?
I know its early, and everything may just turn out fine. And I want that more than anything. So I'm petrified that I'm just not going to get it.
I still have virtually no symptoms, just some mild cramping the last 2 days, and some evening fatigue. Maybe a little bit increased boobs this am, but mild to say the least. It's freaking me out a little.
Now I'm having anxiety as to whether I should head to Pennsylvania on Saturday. I'll probably get my results while I'm driving there, which might be a bad thing. If the numbers aren't good, then I have to have a blood draw on Wednesday, which I can do in PA and have faxed to them. But, of course, it will probably cost me out of pocket. So I don't know if this holiday is going to be much fun. I'm really worried that if the numbers don't double, I'll be alone without DH. But I have to go, The Snake is SO looking forward to Christmas at his grandmother's house. I could delay a day and leave Sunday, but I hate letting IF run my life again. I'll have to think about it. What would you do?
I know its early, and everything may just turn out fine. And I want that more than anything. So I'm petrified that I'm just not going to get it.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Its Always Darkest ...
just before the dawn.
No suspense here, took the FRER this am -- TWO LINES. (no pics, camera broke)
Sorry to have been the whirling dervish of emotions the last few days. You have my sincere apologies for the craziness and compulsive pee-stick issues. But I was amazed how well so many of you seem to know me. Or perhaps this IF/loss experience gives us all similar perspectives on some things. I don't know, but I am so grateful to have joined this community and had all of you to sit with me through this experience. And I hope you will stick around a bit, since we are certainly not out of the woods yet.
I'm going to call the RE office to see if I can get my beta little early so I can visit my family as planned. I'm guessing if the betas are okay, then there will be an u/s sometime around new year's.
I'm hoping this is just the first of much good news for everyone. I know I am very lucky to have gotten this far and I am most grateful. I'm hoping there is success and peace for all my friends in this community soon this new year.
Ironically, this is my 100th post.
No suspense here, took the FRER this am -- TWO LINES. (no pics, camera broke)
Sorry to have been the whirling dervish of emotions the last few days. You have my sincere apologies for the craziness and compulsive pee-stick issues. But I was amazed how well so many of you seem to know me. Or perhaps this IF/loss experience gives us all similar perspectives on some things. I don't know, but I am so grateful to have joined this community and had all of you to sit with me through this experience. And I hope you will stick around a bit, since we are certainly not out of the woods yet.
I'm going to call the RE office to see if I can get my beta little early so I can visit my family as planned. I'm guessing if the betas are okay, then there will be an u/s sometime around new year's.
I'm hoping this is just the first of much good news for everyone. I know I am very lucky to have gotten this far and I am most grateful. I'm hoping there is success and peace for all my friends in this community soon this new year.
Ironically, this is my 100th post.
Monday, December 17, 2007
9dp3dt, 12dpo -- Where I Come Clean
It's shameful really. I have been unable to resist the pee monsters. When I learned that you might get a positive with an OPK, I dug out a bunch of old ones in my closet and went to town. Of course, they weren't very helpful. Turns out most of them were expired, and I didn't get anything notable. So then on Friday I hit the dollar store. Couldn't hold back any longer. It was only 6dp3dt, but I did it anyway. Negative. Being the positive, cup-half-full girl that I am (NOT), I figured at least I knew trigger shot was gone. I indulged again yesterday, negative.
I know that it is still early, and things could change in just a day. But this is so hard. And the DH is getting tired of hearing me be so negative. I understand, he's the positive guy. And nothing he says can change my pessimism, so he's tired of trying. I just can't seem to muster any hope that this is going to be different this time. And this is the last time. I have no symptoms, and my previously perky breasteses are now back to normal. I try to remember that it took several days WITH symptoms before I got a positive HPT with The Snake -- so maybe I tend to be slow to make hCG. But its hard to hang my hat on that.
Okay, sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit unhinged. I'd like to try and hold out until 11dp3dt (14dpo) before testing again -- but I think the monsters might get me tomorrow.
I know that it is still early, and things could change in just a day. But this is so hard. And the DH is getting tired of hearing me be so negative. I understand, he's the positive guy. And nothing he says can change my pessimism, so he's tired of trying. I just can't seem to muster any hope that this is going to be different this time. And this is the last time. I have no symptoms, and my previously perky breasteses are now back to normal. I try to remember that it took several days WITH symptoms before I got a positive HPT with The Snake -- so maybe I tend to be slow to make hCG. But its hard to hang my hat on that.
Okay, sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit unhinged. I'd like to try and hold out until 11dp3dt (14dpo) before testing again -- but I think the monsters might get me tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
4dp3dt
The sun is shinning today, literally. So I feel a little brighter. Not quite hopeful yet, but not so scattered and anxious. Thank you so much to all of you who offered kind words and alcohol. You're the best and know me so well! I've had a deep craving for serious amounts of mind altering chemicals, but alas, they will have to wait. And I love how many different people have stopped by to offer encouragement. And even more I love those of you who stop every time and remind me you are waiting with me. It means a lot. (of course, this is by no means blackmail to keep you around. oh wait, maybe it is.)
I'm trying hard not to go to the dollar store. That's right, no stash of pee sticks in this house. One solitary 5-day early test. Too costly to blow at this early stage. I've been dying to go to the dollar store every day when The Snake is at school. Luckily, today I'm the helping mom in the classroom, so that should keep me away. Cause I know as soon as I buy any, I will not be able to hold back. I'm going to try to wait until 7dp3dt (10dp0), which will also be 12 days after trigger. Puts us at Saturday. Of course, we all know about best laid plans.
I'll try to post about something besides the tortous wait soon. I found all these writing ideas on others blogs that I swore I'd try during the TWW, so maybe I'll tackle one of those tonight.
I'm trying hard not to go to the dollar store. That's right, no stash of pee sticks in this house. One solitary 5-day early test. Too costly to blow at this early stage. I've been dying to go to the dollar store every day when The Snake is at school. Luckily, today I'm the helping mom in the classroom, so that should keep me away. Cause I know as soon as I buy any, I will not be able to hold back. I'm going to try to wait until 7dp3dt (10dp0), which will also be 12 days after trigger. Puts us at Saturday. Of course, we all know about best laid plans.
I'll try to post about something besides the tortous wait soon. I found all these writing ideas on others blogs that I swore I'd try during the TWW, so maybe I'll tackle one of those tonight.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
This Moment
The child is occupied. Everyone is fed. The kitchen is clean. The rug has been vacuumed. The laundry is done (mostly). The sheets are even fresh.
I am jumping out of my skin. Like a detoxing addict I feel creepy crawlies all over me. Like if someone spoke to me I will explode (or maybe implode) in milliseconds. Like I may alternately scream and then sob.
Yet I sit here. Quietly. Waiting. Again.
I am jumping out of my skin. Like a detoxing addict I feel creepy crawlies all over me. Like if someone spoke to me I will explode (or maybe implode) in milliseconds. Like I may alternately scream and then sob.
Yet I sit here. Quietly. Waiting. Again.
In the Beginning ...
there was anxiety. I don't know why. In previous treatment cycles the first week wasn't so hard. I know its too early to test or feel any different. Yet there are moments where I just feel my heart race and my mind race and there is no peace.
Dr. Mumbles called today, no embryos made it to freezing. We knew this was likely to be the case. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I had a little secret hope that just maybe ...
It doesn't help that the weather here is rotten. Not as cold, but gray, gray, gray. And now bitter cold rain. This time of year I almost wish I was working. Then I'd probably be in a building with few windows, lots of bright fluorescent lights and activity. It harder to get SAD in that environment.
I'm trying to stay busy, but so many of my holiday chores are unappealing. And much of it is baking to take to my family for Christmas, so its too early to start much of it. My shopping is done. I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on the internets. And counting the days until maybe I can test.
This was our last try. For at least one and a half years, at which point I'm not likely to do very well. I'm so much more hopeful than other treatment cycles, since things mostly went well. But worry is creeping in. How will I handle it if this fails? I will know literally a day or two before I leave to celebrate the holidays with my parents -- and without my husband. Can I handle that if the result is negative?
I think today I'm stuck on the negatives. Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.
Dr. Mumbles called today, no embryos made it to freezing. We knew this was likely to be the case. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I had a little secret hope that just maybe ...
It doesn't help that the weather here is rotten. Not as cold, but gray, gray, gray. And now bitter cold rain. This time of year I almost wish I was working. Then I'd probably be in a building with few windows, lots of bright fluorescent lights and activity. It harder to get SAD in that environment.
I'm trying to stay busy, but so many of my holiday chores are unappealing. And much of it is baking to take to my family for Christmas, so its too early to start much of it. My shopping is done. I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on the internets. And counting the days until maybe I can test.
This was our last try. For at least one and a half years, at which point I'm not likely to do very well. I'm so much more hopeful than other treatment cycles, since things mostly went well. But worry is creeping in. How will I handle it if this fails? I will know literally a day or two before I leave to celebrate the holidays with my parents -- and without my husband. Can I handle that if the result is negative?
I think today I'm stuck on the negatives. Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Three, Its a Magic Number
Moving on to happier things ...
Of the six that fertilized (which, by the way, needed NO ICSI, which they hadn't told me before. Yeah a $500+ savings!) --
So, Dr. Mumbles recommended transferring the 2 8-cells and felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to throw in the 6-cell too. He said that if it turns out to be triplets, he promises to help babysit. Really he thought that our risk of that was extremely low. And he is not terribly hopeful that the 5-cell ones will make it to freezing, and probably not the 6-cell either. So we opted to put it back rather than likely having to discard it.
We had talked the night before that we would be okay with putting back 3 if Dr. Mumbles recommended it. He is pretty conservative. But driving home DH and I were starting to feel a little nervous. I think since we now know of some people who got big surprises despite poor quality embryos, that gave us pause. But realistically, my success in the past has been pretty poor, so it seems unlikely. We would be fine with multiples, and my first pregnancy went very well, so hopefully my body could handle things. But our big concern is more the timing. When this cycle is successful (did you notice the when, not if?), I would be due about 2 months after our big move to LA. But if it is multiples and they come early, we could be in the midst of the move. And we also have to go one month without employer supplied health insurance. So COBRAing with a high-risk pregnancy and not being sure what state I'll be in at the time is a little concerning. But obviously, this is getting ahead of ourselves.
Thank you to all my FRIENDS who have supported me and held my hand through this cycle. It means more than you know. And thanks to all those who have stopped over from cyclesista or other's blogs to cheer me on too, I really appreciate it. Now I'll be counting on all you ladies to keep me busy during this awful 2ww. HUGs to all my cyclesistas for happy outcomes. I think its time for another wave of BFP in the blogosphere.
Of the six that fertilized (which, by the way, needed NO ICSI, which they hadn't told me before. Yeah a $500+ savings!) --
- one went no where
- two at 5-cell
- one 6-cell
- two 8-cell, one graded EXCELLENT, and one very good
So, Dr. Mumbles recommended transferring the 2 8-cells and felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to throw in the 6-cell too. He said that if it turns out to be triplets, he promises to help babysit. Really he thought that our risk of that was extremely low. And he is not terribly hopeful that the 5-cell ones will make it to freezing, and probably not the 6-cell either. So we opted to put it back rather than likely having to discard it.
We had talked the night before that we would be okay with putting back 3 if Dr. Mumbles recommended it. He is pretty conservative. But driving home DH and I were starting to feel a little nervous. I think since we now know of some people who got big surprises despite poor quality embryos, that gave us pause. But realistically, my success in the past has been pretty poor, so it seems unlikely. We would be fine with multiples, and my first pregnancy went very well, so hopefully my body could handle things. But our big concern is more the timing. When this cycle is successful (did you notice the when, not if?), I would be due about 2 months after our big move to LA. But if it is multiples and they come early, we could be in the midst of the move. And we also have to go one month without employer supplied health insurance. So COBRAing with a high-risk pregnancy and not being sure what state I'll be in at the time is a little concerning. But obviously, this is getting ahead of ourselves.
Thank you to all my FRIENDS who have supported me and held my hand through this cycle. It means more than you know. And thanks to all those who have stopped over from cyclesista or other's blogs to cheer me on too, I really appreciate it. Now I'll be counting on all you ladies to keep me busy during this awful 2ww. HUGs to all my cyclesistas for happy outcomes. I think its time for another wave of BFP in the blogosphere.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Deep Breathing -- warning, long post
So I am trying really hard to settle down and lower by blood pressure and just chill before the big transfer day tomorrow morning. Somehow the cosmos came together tonight to make me crazy.
First, I HURT. I know I had more than 7 decent size follicles, so I'm sure they hit me with that big ole needles more than 7 times. And today I'm really feelin' it. Especially on the left side. It just really aches and I get stabbing pains when I get up and down from sitting. I also have gassy, bloaty feelings like my insides are generally not happy. To top it off, out of tyle.nol.
Second, The Snake comes out of school looking miserable. It seems the brief, yet deep and rattling, cough he had yesterday has become full on illness. We tried to hit the library and he keep asking to sit down -- totally NOT normal. Then we progressed further downhill with crankiness until bedtime.
Third, my DH has my valium script and still hasn't filled it yet. He wants to drop it off on the way home from the hospital tonight and pick it up in the morning before our appointment (uh, NO). Oh, and did I mention that he is still not home yet?
Last, I think it was a strange conversation with my sister that really set me off. She called to ask a holiday gift question. She asked how I am, so I said good, really good. She asks if it is close the the big day. So, of course I inform her that the day has come and gone and went very well. Just waiting for more big news tomorrow.
Talking with her about my IF is so hard. She never says those awful, insensitive things that some of you have been subjected to, but yet she doesn't really say anything. I think that is the tough thing. I have no idea her perspective. She has become a very faithful Catholic, and into new-agey books like The Secret and ones about positive thinking. And often my cynical, clinical, scientific perspective puts us at odds. But she is my only sister. And she had no idea what was going on with me at one of the most momentous times in my life.
The irony is that in my 20s I had considered whether I would be willing to be an egg donor or surrogate for her. I know Square Peg recently wrote about a similar event in her life (Mel mentioned it in the Friday Round-up). Growing up, I was the one with the buxom figure, the child-bearing hips. My sister was thin, waif-like and much older than me. I always figured I would be the fertile one. She also was a strong, independent young woman -- a role model I was proud to have. But she had poor luck in love and it looked like she'd be starting her dream of children later in life. When I saw IF stories in the media, I would often think of her and ponder donation. I definitely believed that I would want to make that gift to her. The even greater irony is that she found herself pregnant immediately after marriage, and her second child followed less than 2 years later. Turns out, she was the fertile one.
And now, I feel so little support from her. In my deepest moments of sadness, she was certainly there and kind. But she shows no interest in that aspect of my life. Whenever we talk about it, she is often quiet, verging on silent. I don't know if she has religious opposition to IVF. If she thinks our differing perspectives makes the conversation too difficult. If it is a reflection of her desire for more children (her hubby said no-go to more).
At this time of holidays and family and joy, it makes me sad we are not really connected. I think this is one reason I've been so desperate to give J a sibling. Hoping he will have that connection that I don't seem to have with any of my 5 siblings.
Sorry for such a downer post. I feel better having shared. I'm going to eat brownies and watch crappy TV and chill until tomorrow. I have not heard anything since the fertilization report, so I'm hoping all is good for the morning! Looking forward to that valium!
First, I HURT. I know I had more than 7 decent size follicles, so I'm sure they hit me with that big ole needles more than 7 times. And today I'm really feelin' it. Especially on the left side. It just really aches and I get stabbing pains when I get up and down from sitting. I also have gassy, bloaty feelings like my insides are generally not happy. To top it off, out of tyle.nol.
Second, The Snake comes out of school looking miserable. It seems the brief, yet deep and rattling, cough he had yesterday has become full on illness. We tried to hit the library and he keep asking to sit down -- totally NOT normal. Then we progressed further downhill with crankiness until bedtime.
Third, my DH has my valium script and still hasn't filled it yet. He wants to drop it off on the way home from the hospital tonight and pick it up in the morning before our appointment (uh, NO). Oh, and did I mention that he is still not home yet?
Last, I think it was a strange conversation with my sister that really set me off. She called to ask a holiday gift question. She asked how I am, so I said good, really good. She asks if it is close the the big day. So, of course I inform her that the day has come and gone and went very well. Just waiting for more big news tomorrow.
Talking with her about my IF is so hard. She never says those awful, insensitive things that some of you have been subjected to, but yet she doesn't really say anything. I think that is the tough thing. I have no idea her perspective. She has become a very faithful Catholic, and into new-agey books like The Secret and ones about positive thinking. And often my cynical, clinical, scientific perspective puts us at odds. But she is my only sister. And she had no idea what was going on with me at one of the most momentous times in my life.
The irony is that in my 20s I had considered whether I would be willing to be an egg donor or surrogate for her. I know Square Peg recently wrote about a similar event in her life (Mel mentioned it in the Friday Round-up). Growing up, I was the one with the buxom figure, the child-bearing hips. My sister was thin, waif-like and much older than me. I always figured I would be the fertile one. She also was a strong, independent young woman -- a role model I was proud to have. But she had poor luck in love and it looked like she'd be starting her dream of children later in life. When I saw IF stories in the media, I would often think of her and ponder donation. I definitely believed that I would want to make that gift to her. The even greater irony is that she found herself pregnant immediately after marriage, and her second child followed less than 2 years later. Turns out, she was the fertile one.
And now, I feel so little support from her. In my deepest moments of sadness, she was certainly there and kind. But she shows no interest in that aspect of my life. Whenever we talk about it, she is often quiet, verging on silent. I don't know if she has religious opposition to IVF. If she thinks our differing perspectives makes the conversation too difficult. If it is a reflection of her desire for more children (her hubby said no-go to more).
At this time of holidays and family and joy, it makes me sad we are not really connected. I think this is one reason I've been so desperate to give J a sibling. Hoping he will have that connection that I don't seem to have with any of my 5 siblings.
Sorry for such a downer post. I feel better having shared. I'm going to eat brownies and watch crappy TV and chill until tomorrow. I have not heard anything since the fertilization report, so I'm hoping all is good for the morning! Looking forward to that valium!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Ready?
Ok, ready? Are you sitting down (probably right)?
SIX out of seven fertilized.
Dr. Mumbles said he is very pleased and overall he felt my cycle went very well. Of course he pulled a CYA by saying "I don't want to get you too pumped up. We have a few more stages to get through." But then he said again that he was very happy with everything!
Transfer on Saturday where they'll pick the best. I have a feeling that if they look pretty good he will push to only transfer two. Dr. Mumbles is fairly conservative. I am not quite 36, so I'm not particularly eager to push for three, unless the quality is seriously poor. Of course, we all know that doesn't always correlate, right Mary Ellen?
Thank you so much to all of you who have taken a moment to leave words of encouragement. It really means a lot to hear all of you cheering me on. Be sure to support ALL my Cyclesistas -- Becks (my long lost twin across the pond), Chicklet, SingleTracey, Carrie at Precious Little, and M at My Sanctuary. I'm wishing all you ladies the very best of luck and a quick 2ww!
SIX out of seven fertilized.
Dr. Mumbles said he is very pleased and overall he felt my cycle went very well. Of course he pulled a CYA by saying "I don't want to get you too pumped up. We have a few more stages to get through." But then he said again that he was very happy with everything!
Transfer on Saturday where they'll pick the best. I have a feeling that if they look pretty good he will push to only transfer two. Dr. Mumbles is fairly conservative. I am not quite 36, so I'm not particularly eager to push for three, unless the quality is seriously poor. Of course, we all know that doesn't always correlate, right Mary Ellen?
Thank you so much to all of you who have taken a moment to leave words of encouragement. It really means a lot to hear all of you cheering me on. Be sure to support ALL my Cyclesistas -- Becks (my long lost twin across the pond), Chicklet, SingleTracey, Carrie at Precious Little, and M at My Sanctuary. I'm wishing all you ladies the very best of luck and a quick 2ww!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Holy Follicles Batman!
Well ... scan this morning was pretty good. Had at least 6-8 on the left, and probably 5-7 on the right. He really couldn't measure all the ones on the left cause they were all cluster and smooshed up against each other. All measuring around the 16 mm mark. Dr. Smooth was actually positive and almost enthusastic!
I was so worried that I would stall with the decrease in meds. I still need to get the E2 to be sure that hasn't happened, but things look good. Dr. Smooth figures trigger Mon or Tues and then ER on Wed or Thurs. This is really going to happen. And we may get a decent number of eggs. Wow.
I'm really getting excited. But trying to remember that lots of eggs doesn't necessarily equal a positive beta. But it gives me more hope.
I know some of my cyclesistas have had a little rougher time this go-round. I'm thinking of you girls and hoping things get better. I've been there, and it sucks. Hugs to you.
I was so worried that I would stall with the decrease in meds. I still need to get the E2 to be sure that hasn't happened, but things look good. Dr. Smooth figures trigger Mon or Tues and then ER on Wed or Thurs. This is really going to happen. And we may get a decent number of eggs. Wow.
I'm really getting excited. But trying to remember that lots of eggs doesn't necessarily equal a positive beta. But it gives me more hope.
I know some of my cyclesistas have had a little rougher time this go-round. I'm thinking of you girls and hoping things get better. I've been there, and it sucks. Hugs to you.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Still Keepin' On
I hate that I'm not really writing about anything but my cycle, but I'm low on time. Resident Boy is on vacation and we are trying to get ready for the holidays. So I've only had a little time for blogging. Sorry!
Today's scan was pretty good. Although Dr. Smooth almost walked in on me standing in the middle of the exam room sans clothes from the waist down. When I said "just a minute," he wasn't really listening and started to come in! I had to say again, with a bit of irritation, "just a minute," and he got the message. He felt really bad. I didn't really care that much, just about everyone in the office has seen my hooha -- although I guess the receptionist has been spared.
There were quite a few follicles, at least 8-10 around the same size. To me they looked around the 12-14 mm mark, but as usual he didn't say. And today I didn't ask. Trying the less is more approach. But E2 did more than double (up to 1600ish from that 660ish) -- so they actually backed down my meds a bit. I asked him whether he thought we would make it to trigger. He hedged of course. With how my last cycle went, I don't totally blame him -- I could crap out at anytime. But I'm thinking if we can get pretty close by day 12 of stims, that we will be okay.
On a deep level there is a tiny glimmer of something making me think this cycle is different. Whether its the dhea or the new protocol, I don't know. But last night I started actually thinking about how we could come up with dough for putting some in the freezer. And even how we'd do an FET to try for a third child later. How crazy am I? Of course, I promptly did a 180 and worried what I would do when this cycle was canceled. Ain't cycling fun?
Today's scan was pretty good. Although Dr. Smooth almost walked in on me standing in the middle of the exam room sans clothes from the waist down. When I said "just a minute," he wasn't really listening and started to come in! I had to say again, with a bit of irritation, "just a minute," and he got the message. He felt really bad. I didn't really care that much, just about everyone in the office has seen my hooha -- although I guess the receptionist has been spared.
There were quite a few follicles, at least 8-10 around the same size. To me they looked around the 12-14 mm mark, but as usual he didn't say. And today I didn't ask. Trying the less is more approach. But E2 did more than double (up to 1600ish from that 660ish) -- so they actually backed down my meds a bit. I asked him whether he thought we would make it to trigger. He hedged of course. With how my last cycle went, I don't totally blame him -- I could crap out at anytime. But I'm thinking if we can get pretty close by day 12 of stims, that we will be okay.
On a deep level there is a tiny glimmer of something making me think this cycle is different. Whether its the dhea or the new protocol, I don't know. But last night I started actually thinking about how we could come up with dough for putting some in the freezer. And even how we'd do an FET to try for a third child later. How crazy am I? Of course, I promptly did a 180 and worried what I would do when this cycle was canceled. Ain't cycling fun?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Now I'm a REAL IFer
It's official, I am finally a full-fledged IFer. Last night, I did my shot in a public restroom stall.
Today feeling pretty bloated and a bit uncomfortable. Which makes me HAPPY. I'm really hoping things are clipping along and we can trigger early next week. Otherwise things with the holidays could get really wonky. Obviously, its most important that the eggs are happy and healthy, and I'll deal with whatever schedule changes will make that happen. But I would love to have things done so I can finish my 2ww before x-mas.
I'm dying to do the Blog You Very Much post, but want to really dedicate the proper time to it and do a great job. So, watch for it, and I'll work on it! Thanks JJ, for a great idea!
Today feeling pretty bloated and a bit uncomfortable. Which makes me HAPPY. I'm really hoping things are clipping along and we can trigger early next week. Otherwise things with the holidays could get really wonky. Obviously, its most important that the eggs are happy and healthy, and I'll deal with whatever schedule changes will make that happen. But I would love to have things done so I can finish my 2ww before x-mas.
I'm dying to do the Blog You Very Much post, but want to really dedicate the proper time to it and do a great job. So, watch for it, and I'll work on it! Thanks JJ, for a great idea!
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