With Gratitude

Thank you for your kind comments. And especially to whomever forwarded me to LFCA, that was very sweet of you to take the time to do that. I'm touched that even after over a year of inactivity that the community still embraced me. It means more than you could know.

I'm hanging in there. Mostly I think I've already moved on. Maybe it is denial, maybe I was just ready. We will see. I've got enough on my plate to keep me distracted, most of the time. But this morning I saw a commercial for March of Dimes work for healthy babies and cringed a bit. We will walk this spring and raise money, as the twins were premature and we believe in this cause. But it wasn't particularly fun to think about this morning.

My symptoms are gone, and it doesn't seem real that there are still remnants of this child inside me. "Products of conception" as the surgical consent form calls it. Surreal.

Humpf.

Wow. Haven't posted here in over a year. It's likely I'm not in anyone's reader any more.

A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?

My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.

Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.

But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.

But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?

I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.

Advice

I need some advice about parenting/relationships with other parents. Please visit me over at that other place, if you're up for it.

A Year Ago Today ...

I was thankful for lucky number seven. Seven eggs. That became six embryos. That became three transferred embryos. That became two fetuses. That became two fragile premature neonates. That are now two thriving infants.

We are blessed, and grateful.

But here, in this place, I must admit that while this day brought us all we could desire and more, it also is a reminder of all we went through to get here. I went back and read the next few posts that followed that day. And I was struck by the outpouring of love and support I received. And of all the women who were going through the same emotions. Of all my cyclesistas from that month, I think I was the only positive outcome. And that makes me sad, especially since many of those same women are still struggling and hoping.

Thank you to all of you for giving me this place to feel safe and supported, and most importantly validated. I hope I was able to give the same to some of you. And some day, when I have a little more time, I hope to do it again. Thank you just doesn't quite seem like enough, but for now, it will have to do.

If you would like to see what happened to those two those little eggs, click here.*
*link is now FIXED!

VOTE

Tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a history-changing day.

So many have blogged about all the turmoil and issues surrounding this fateful day. Sadly I haven't the time to express what so many of you had cleverly and passionately shared. All I can say is I will be proud to cast my vote tomorrow. And on this day I will be very happy to have moved to California and be given the chance to voice my opposition to Prop 8. There is so much wrong with this movement, and being inundated with the ads has been nothing short of torture.

So tomorrow I will say no to Prop 8, and yes to hope. Yes to a better tomorrow.

Yes to Aqua Bama.*

*this is what The Snake calls him, and being the good son his is, he would vote for him too (if he could)