Endless Weekend

First, thanks to all of you who kindly visited and left love. I heart you all.

Note: child discussed below, please skip to section below the stars for strictly IF topics

Second, its been a crazy few days. I was roped into a visit to lovely Toronto to spend time with the In-Laws. With Resident-Boy (aka DH) having very little time off, and rarely most of a weekend, you can understand how I was bitter about having to share. While I strive to teach the 4-year-old to share, it is admittedly not my strong suit. Especially after the BFN.

My Parents In-Law live part-time in the desert of the southwest, and part-time in Canada. They used to stay with my DH's sister, her husband and J's cousin while in the Great White North. However, now SIL is in midst of ugly divorce. She has been trapped in apt with soon-to-be-ex while they struggle over custody. Anyway, this is relevant in that now 'Rents In-Law no longer had a long-term place to stay with their 2 dogs. So, this weekend was the end of their time in cooler climes.

Naturally this meant they wanted to spend time with Resident-Boy and his son -- oh and me too. We were invited to come to town and join family at MIL's dog agility event. As typical of the In-Laws, this was an all weekend event. Now, agility has been a good thing for my MIL. She has lost weight, stayed active, made friends in her new desert city. But now it consumes their life. To the point where it is interfering with relationships. (Anyway, their craziness could be an entire post in itself.) The point here is, we did NOT want to travel 2+ hours to Toronto to meet SIL, to then travel probably another hour to said event. To then spend hours waiting for MIL to spend 2 minutes putting dog through his paces.

I was so proud of DH for saying outright that this is not how we wanted to spend the weekend. He wanted to go on Saturday and spend time with his sister and take the kids somewhere FUN. So we did ... sort of. We met SIL and planned to go to Center Island, where there are amusement park type rides and a splash park. Well, the weather was beautiful and it all sounded like a good plan. But the travel was a bit involved. We met SIL and her 4-year-old, walked about 3-4 city blocks to subway, took two trains, then waited with a zillion people to crush ourselves onto a ferry to get to the island. By this point J was exhausted, since he got up at 5 am (this is a recurring problem). We splashed at the splash pad and rode a few rides, ate ice cream. Then it was time to smoosh back onto packed Ferry for the return trip, two subway trains and 4-block walk back to SIL's place.

Okay, so you would think this day is over and we put exhausted children to bed, right? Oh no, because you have not met the In-Laws. We then get into a car and go to DH's uncle's to have dinner with them and the 'Rents at 7pm. (If you are not aware, 4-year-olds who rise at the crack of dawn generally implode at this hour) We finally get back to SIL's at 10pm at which point 4-year-old children are asleep in car.

Now, how did we spend our lovely Sunday? Are you ready? At the dog show. Yes that's right, the dog show. At dinner on Saturday, we were happily informed that the event was on our way home, about half way between Toronto and our town. Lucky us! Now we could wake up at 6am, since that's J's hard-wired wake-up time, and head to the country after breakfast. All after spending an oh-so restful night on SIL's pokey-spring laden sofa bed. And of course, J was on his best behavior (not) after only 7-8 hours sleep.

Ah, finally you think this weekend is over (and this insanely long post too). But not yet. Monday brings the arrival of the 'Rents for the final good bye on their way south. It was actually a nice afternoon since I was in charge of planning. The most strenuous thing we did was sit in the lobby of the local pool and watch J attempt to swim.

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I'm still not sure where my emotions are headed. One moment I am just trudging through each day, and the next I think my head or chest is going to explode. I've had passing moments of deep anxiety, others of extreme irritability. I'm not sure if these are DHEA side-effects or just a sign of my repressed emotions. I think the latter, as I am working like hell to repress.

It was ironic how erratic my thoughts on our family were this week. Early in the week I took J to soccer where there were two families who were clearly created via international adoption. Both looked very happy, well-adjusted and complete. I wanted to talk to them but I am not that brave. Watching them, I thought -- WE can do that. We are liberal, open-minded, and loving people.

The next day we went to story hour at the library. It was particularly crowded. I watched a bunch of different types of kids. I looked at them and thought -- I don't want those genetics. I know that sounds horrible, and I am ashamed of those emotions, but those were my honest thoughts. That if I considered an egg donor, our child could be like any of those in the room. And I didn't want them. I wanted us.

Then over the weekend we were at this family place, and there were bellies everywhere. Everywhere. And it was hard. I didn't lose it, but I wanted to. DH said stupid things like maybe that would bring us luck. He tries so hard, but just doesn't get it.

I don't know where we will end up with all of this. I guess I don't have to figure it out just yet. But waiting is not what I am good at, I'm better at doing. But what should I be doing -- IVF, DIY, adopting, DE? How will this end? I hate waiting, especially when I don't know exactly what it is I'm waiting for. Waiting for what?

What am I waiting for?

WAIT -- Don't go anywhere!! Its still ME! I'm just still finding my voice, and format, for this blog. So don't be surprised if it changes now and then. Okay, now on with the post ...

I am overwhelmed. Since starting this blog and reading so many of yours, I am inundated with emotions. Over things that have happened and things that may (or may not) happen. I just feel such an urge to spew everything out to you all, since I feel only support and no judgment. Its amazing.

So where to start? Maybe a quick list about why the blog is "Waiting for ...?"

1. I am waiting to feel that my family is complete
2. I am waiting to feel that I am complete
3. I am waiting to feel what my calling and contribution to this world will be
4. I am waiting to know what to do about my career (will I ever go back to practicing veterinary medicine?*)
5. I am waiting for my short term (and long term) memory to function again
6. I am waiting for my sanity to return (hopefully it will bring happiness along with it)
7. I am waiting to know where in the country we will finally settle once my husband is done his training (will I like it?)
8. I am waiting to stop being afraid of the future
9. I am waiting to feel like a whole woman again
10. I am waiting ...

*I am sharing my profession because it is a vital part of how I identify myself (when I can), please be understanding that I can not practice medicine over the internet. But I'm always up for talking dog (cats too).

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Cycle news: Not much exciting. Go for E2 tomorrow, then hopefully I'll be scheduled for US soon so I can know how many follies are developing. I'm dying here folks. Although I was glad to hear that my local IVF girlfriend did well and even had extras for the freezer. I'm hoping those good ju ju meds work for me too. I have to admit, I'm nervous now to be cycling so close to this friend. Now that I know things went so well for her, I'm worried they won't go so well for me. Ugh, go away ugly pessimism. It would be so wonderful for us both to be PG together and all that. But I'm freaking out a little that she will get PG or at least be able to do FET, and that my cycle will just bomb. I know that is silly since I truly want all that for her, and of course when I even mention these fears to DH he gets grumpy and insists that I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE. Its like he thinks that the power of positive thinking alone will conquer unexplained IF. "Ah yes, dear damsel in distress, have no fear for Prince Positive is here!"

*sigh*

In brighter news -- J did not drown in swim class, and the group was actually pretty small and the instructors quite good. Yeah! And while he was not exactly a star at his first soccer class, he did manage to finish the whole hour without any tears (just a little whining about being hot and hungry).

E2 tomorrow! I'm smiling, I'm feeling hopeful. Please don't whack me with your sword Prince Positive.