Things were looking up Sunday. Six follicles, not bad size. Dr K backed down my meds a little. Now today my E2 DROPPED, and no real growth. I'm so tired of my body failing me. I want to cry so bad. But J is watching TV and will freak if I lose it. He actually asked today when I'd have a baby in my belly (we've been talking a lot about animals and their babies lately). I was hoping that was a good omen, you know, him being interested. Maybe G-d, or whoever, would be listening. FU*K.
They said that if we can't get to trigger by stim day 14 that I'm toast. The likelihood of pregnancy is really low. To top it off I'll probably have to buy another grand worth of drugs, and could still get canceled. FU*K.
And it screws up all my plans for childcare for transfer (if we even get there). I'll have to either scramble having friends take him, or put up with having my FIL here all week waiting for ET. I don't think I can take that added stress (he's not my fav). FU*K.
Despite all my talk last post about being willing to go with DE, I'M NOT READY. I'm NOT ready. This sucks. FU*K.
That bitch hope just crept in to tease me and than ran off with some other woman's ovaries instead. And she left mine sore, but possibly unlikely to even produce an egg. Bitch. FU*K.
Waiting for DH to come home (which could be 4-6 hrs!) so I can blubber properly as this day requires. FU*K.
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Nothing really new to report, but DH came home and took J to the park, so had a few minutes to vent. I'm not sure if I really want to get to retrieval. The way things have gone, it seems fairly unlikely to have a positive outcome. Maybe we should just cut our losses (financially) and move on. It is so unfair.
Even my favorite nurse had me peeved at her:
Nurse: Well, your body is just not responding to the meds.Ok, DH back. Time to get ready for the blubbering session. More tomorrow about how IF is sucking us dry of money and happiness.
My brain: DUH! What would you like me to do, have a stern talk with my pituitary and ovaries? Hello ovaries, could you please get your asses in gear and join the team effort?
My brain asks: So do you think we will make it for retrieval by Friday?
Nurse: *scoff* Um, I don't think you will be ready by Friday. We can do retrieval on the weekend ... if we need to.
My brain hears: What planet is this chick on? Doesn't she realize she's never getting to retrieval?
Nurse: Ok, Dr Slick is really booked tomorrow, but I squeezed your US in at 8:15.
My brain hears: Dr Slick is busy with real patients tomorrow, you know ones who's ovaries actually work. But we don't want to cancel your cycle since it will finance his summer vacaction house, so we'll give you a cursory wanding when it suits us. Oh, and then maybe we'll cancel you anyway.
