Waiting for .... ?

With Gratitude

2010-01-15T05:22:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your kind comments. And especially to whomever forwarded me to LFCA, that was very sweet of you to take the time to do that. I'm touched that even after over a year of inactivity that the community still embraced me. It means more than you could know.

I'm hanging in there. Mostly I think I've already moved on. Maybe it is denial, maybe I was just ready. We will see. I've got enough on my plate to keep me distracted, most of the time. But this morning I saw a commercial for March of Dimes work for healthy babies and cringed a bit. We will walk this spring and raise money, as the twins were premature and we believe in this cause. But it wasn't particularly fun to think about this morning.

My symptoms are gone, and it doesn't seem real that there are still remnants of this child inside me. "Products of conception" as the surgical consent form calls it. Surreal.

Humpf.

2010-01-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Wow. Haven't posted here in over a year. It's likely I'm not in anyone's reader any more.

A month and a half ago I got a surprise. A positive hpt. Shocked, nervous, scared and a little excited. Was I really going to be that urban legend? Pregnant after going through 3 years of fertility treatment, rounds of IVF and then premature twins? Would the summer find us with 3 kids under 3? This would be the third Christmas that I would find myself in the precarious early stages of a fragile pregnancy. I was 50:50, so where would things fall this time?

My first appointment was at about 7 weeks, just after the holiday, but it was just an intake interview with the nurse at the new practice in my new town. I told her about my history of blighted ovum and infertility and hoped for a sono that day. They kindly fit me in and the measurements were spot on with a heartbeat. Somehow I let myself fall into thinking we were in the clear. We talked about rearranging children and bedrooms and getting help around the house. We secretly hoped. We got excited. Oops.

Yesterday I went for my 9 week visit, full doctor appointment. Discussed VBAC and risks, blood work and H1N1 vaccine. Waste of time. Sono showed growth but no heartbeat. Probably stopped 3 or 4 days before my appointment. I held it together for the most part, which I think surprised my new doc. He seemed to expect me to lose it at any point. Not quite my personality, control freak and all. Luckily my husband works in the same medical building and was available. So then I lost it. It just felt so cruel. We weren't technically trying. But we weren't not trying. But between getting settled in a new town and caring for the twins, let's just say the odds were against conception.

But it happened anyway. And you want to think all those difficult years have somehow melted away. Your body is done betraying you. You might finally be normal. Maybe something will go simply for once. Maybe you can have another uncomplicated pregnancy, finally have a positive birth experience, get to breast feed again. Maybe.

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have been successful at IVF and been able to safely see my twins into toddlerhood. I have 3 healthy children. I am incredibly grateful. Blessed.

But where do I go from here? In my mind, it is completely over. I am NOT pregnant. But still my body doesn't know. I have a D&E scheduled for next week. But mentally I'm already moving on. I wish my body already had. And what about afterward? Do we go on with not trying/not preventing? What if I conceive again, only to fail again. I don't think I want to deal with that. And do I want to have a newborn at nearly 40 or over? I wanted my children when I was young, do I still want that big family even if I'm older? Do I want to move on and focus on me for the first time in nearly a decade? What will make me happy?

I feel like I'm back waiting again. Waiting to find the answers and not sure where they are.

Advice

2008-12-18T14:49:00.000-08:00

I need some advice about parenting/relationships with other parents. Please visit me over at that other place, if you're up for it.

A Year Ago Today ...

2008-12-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

I was thankful for lucky number seven. Seven eggs. That became six embryos. That became three transferred embryos. That became two fetuses. That became two fragile premature neonates. That are now two thriving infants.

We are blessed, and grateful.

But here, in this place, I must admit that while this day brought us all we could desire and more, it also is a reminder of all we went through to get here. I went back and read the next few posts that followed that day. And I was struck by the outpouring of love and support I received. And of all the women who were going through the same emotions. Of all my cyclesistas from that month, I think I was the only positive outcome. And that makes me sad, especially since many of those same women are still struggling and hoping.

Thank you to all of you for giving me this place to feel safe and supported, and most importantly validated. I hope I was able to give the same to some of you. And some day, when I have a little more time, I hope to do it again. Thank you just doesn't quite seem like enough, but for now, it will have to do.

If you would like to see what happened to those two those little eggs, click here.*
*link is now FIXED!

VOTE

2008-11-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a history-changing day.

So many have blogged about all the turmoil and issues surrounding this fateful day. Sadly I haven't the time to express what so many of you had cleverly and passionately shared. All I can say is I will be proud to cast my vote tomorrow. And on this day I will be very happy to have moved to California and be given the chance to voice my opposition to Prop 8. There is so much wrong with this movement, and being inundated with the ads has been nothing short of torture.

So tomorrow I will say no to Prop 8, and yes to hope. Yes to a better tomorrow.

Yes to Aqua Bama.*

*this is what The Snake calls him, and being the good son his is, he would vote for him too (if he could)

Catch Me on the Flip Side

2008-10-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well ladies (and any gents) ...

I've finally started up my new blog! I'll still be posting here sometimes, so don't dump me from your reader just yet! But now you can find me and all my clan at:

www.lifeineden.wordpress.com

Please keep in mind -- I will be inviting family and friends to my new site. Please visit me there, but don't reference this blog, as I would like to continue to keep it private. Thanks!

Buzz

2008-09-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention, only in Drama-land for a couple weeks and already made my first star contact. Let's just say at the local playground I comisserated about the twin experience with a certain housewife.

I played it super cool, natch.

Basking in the Sunshine

2008-09-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

We have been in sunny LA for 2 weeks. The fruit babies made the trip like champs. Three days from western NY to Phoenix, a day of rest with the in-laws, then one day to LA. The Snake is back with us and we are a family.

Taking care of two babies is kicking my ass. It would be managable, if not for the monitors (apnea, bradycardia). It would be managable in a home that is established, not an apartment with crap strewn everywhere. It would be managable with a well stocked kitchen. It would be managable with no other children (who need to be walked to school daily).

But somehow, we are managing. It's not pretty, but we are getting by.

I'm likely to start up a new blog when I can finally tread water. This space will still exist, but I want something that I can share with family, and this is not the place. Hope to see you there!

Confusion

2008-08-28T06:29:00.001-07:00

I don't have much time to spew about all my emotions and craziness, so here's the down and dirty update.

The insurance company drug things out then simply said it is not within our policy to cover medical transport. It was insanely frustrating process, which did not improve by bicoastal phone conversations with the DH. Regardless, the waiting is over and we are moving forward.

The babies need to be on monitors, as they are still having occasional spells. Commerical airliners will not permit the monitors due to FAA regulations about interference with communications. That leaves the only option as driving.

My husband will come back to western New York after the holiday weekend. His father will also be here. The three of us will take the babies in our new van across the country. Please pray that it won't be too many days.

The fruit babies will probably be discharged to me tomorrow and we will stay with our friends until after the holiday weekend. It's a little daunting for me to tackle 2 babies all by myself.

Oh, and to top it off ... Peaches had been nursing fairly well and now has decided she is nipple confused. Oh yeah, big time. I offer her the breast and she spits it out and screams. I can get her to nurse with a nipple shield, but I still have to pump too. Plus, Plum finally had latched and actually nursed twice, but he too now refused to latch. The lactation consultant feels that once we get to California and settled there is a good chance they will remember the right things and we can get back on track, but that all the stress isn't helping things. So, it's pumping in the car and bottles for this cross country trip. Boy are there going to be some lucky truckers that get an eye-ful!

I'll let you know when we make it to the other side!

Medical Transport

2008-08-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Cross your fingers, say your prayers and all that jazz. The staff here are making a big push to the insurance company to cover medical transport of the fruit babies to California. There are many medically relevant arguments as to why it is unsafe to both fly commercially or drive. So here's hoping!

Oh, and Peaches and Plum are doing just fine. Plum is off oxygen and both are gaining well. But bradycardic/apenic issues are still ongoing, although mild. The Snake is reveling in spending special time with the grandparents in Phoenix.

Here's hoping that in the next week or so we are all back together

Where Is the Roundup?

2008-08-07T16:28:00.001-07:00

Remember how I said the yellow brick road is a tad weed filled? Well, it seems Miss Peaches doesn't want to leave her brother just yet. As soon as I broadcast that she might be coming home, she promptly had several spells of bradycardia. So we are back to waiting. Most preemies need to have several days with no spells before the doctors will release them. Otherwise she is doing well and gaining weight -- she's over 5 lbs 8 oz now. We've even had some occasional success with breast feeding, but she is still not strong enough to exclusively nurse just yet.

Mr. Plum continues to need some oxygen support, but he is catching up to his sister at over 5 lbs 5oz. No word yet on the medical transport issue.

Of course now I have my own particular weeds to deal with. It would seem my milk supply has decided to suddenly plummet for no particular reason. I may have had a super mild cold that set things off, but this week my supply has simply cut itself in half. I'm trying to rest and started taking Fenugreek. Every time I express surprise at this new problem all the nurses and the lactation consultant say -- "uh, hello, could it be stress?" But I really don't feel all that stressed ... honest! My only responsibility right now is the babies. My friends whose house I'm staying at are out of town so I have the place to myself. I can come and go whenever I want. What is there to stress about? Maybe it's just left overs. Anyway, if my supply doesn't pick up by Monday, the consultant recommends trying Metaclop.rimide. Hopefully we won't need to go there.

I'm reading as many of you as I can, but can't comment too often. And a few of my favorites aren't in my reader and are bookmarked on the computer in Cali, so I'm missing you guys! Congrats to all those who have welcomed new family this summer and safe travels to all those yet to arrive.

The Emerald City ...

2008-08-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

is on the horizon. But at times the yellow brick road has been overgrow with weeds.

Babies are doing well. In fact, Peaches (our little girl, cause that's what her cheeks look like) may be discharged TOMORROW! So I've been scrambling for last minute things.

However, Plum (our little man) has been sort of up and down. Overall, it is still forward progress, but the bottom line is that he just isn't strong enough yet. He still needs some oxygen support while eating. We have a new attending doctor this week and she is going to try and see if we can get insurance to pay for medical transport to California for Plum (yeah new doctor!). This would potentially be great. Making the cross-country drive with just one baby who is relatively strong would be much easier than with 2 preemies. So say your prayers to the insurance gods that this goes through.

Otherwise life continues to be crazy and I wish I had the energy to be clever and entertaining. But hey -- I've got to go buy a changing pad or I'll be sleeping in a bed with yucky stuff on it!

One Shoe On, One Shoe Off

2008-07-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

The scabs are coming! Who would have ever thought this is a good thing? But my shingles seems to be starting to scab over, which means the non-infectious state is right around the bend. Woo Hoo!

My little boy is doing better, he had a transfusion the other day and they added Re.glan to the Pre.vcid for his reflux. He has gained weight and is back down to room air with the nasal canula. Little girl continues to best him and is over 4 lbs and into a regular crib. I have a feeling she will be ready for discharge before him. But they are both still having spells, however at least some of them are self-resolving. And neither are bottling very well, so they both still have to conquer the whole eating thing.

The Snake is here for the weekend and we went blueberry picking this morning. It was easy and fun, but hot! Now he and dad are off to the hospital to see the little ones (I'm jealous).

So things are looking up. Thanks to everyone for their encouragement!

One of the Other Shoes has Dropped

2008-07-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought it couldn't get any more frustrating ... I started getting a rash. And it spread. Around the left side of my abdomen and across my back. But mysteriously stopped at my belly button and spine. Then it got redder and angry looking.

Solve the mystery? I have shingles. Yes, that's right, SHINGLES. That disease that old people get. And that means no more visits to the NICU, no holding my babies AGAIN.

Fortunately, Resident Boy was fairly quick to recognize it (despite having no dermatology expertise) and I saw the doctor quickly to start anti-viral meds. So hopefully those will shorten the course of things. Once my lesions start crusting over (lovely image right?) then I can go back to the hospital.

To top things off, my little boy is having more spells of bradycardia, or slow heart rate. To some extent this can be expected in preemies, but he was not having so many before and has been having them often the last few days. Plus, he did not gain much weight in the last couple days. The doctors finally started him on reflux medications, and we are waiting to hear results of some bloodwork. It is so frustrating that I can't go in to check on him tomorrow and talk face-to-face with the doctors. And my husband is leaving for his exam tomorrow morning and won't be back until late Friday night. So I have to do all the communicating by phone.

I just want to scream. I'm trying hard to just focus on how far our little man has come, and that he will get through this too.

Heading Toward 34 weeks

2008-07-14T17:16:00.001-07:00

What is one of the most frustrating things for a mom with babes in the NICU? To get a COLD! That's right, the sniffles, the cough, the sinus congestion. Which means ... no baby holding.

Such was the evil that visited itself upon me last week. But I am finally healthy again, and so I held and bottle fed two babies today. They are doing well, both are gaining weight and improving at taking the bottle. But both still have spells of bradycardia and occasional apnea. We are entering our third week in the NICU, and likely have more to go. But we are pleased at their progress and eagerly awaiting their discharge. Unfortunately, it looks as though that may fall after Resident Boy needs to start work. So that means I may be making the transcontinental drive with some other family member instead.

Things have been busy with paying bills, organizing our stuff and shopping for a new car. And now that the babies are eating more, I really have to step up the pumping. Which sucks. I spend more time setting up and breaking down the pumping stuff than actually pumping. I can not wait to give them a try at breastfeeding, but I know that the pumping is still going to be happening for awhile, especially with the drive cross-county.

Oh, I need help (okay, lots of it but that is another story). I don't want to use the babies' real names, I don't want to use initials. They need nick-names, but I never came up with anything when they were in my belly -- and now I'm too tired to get really creative now that they are out. You know big brother is The Snake (for rhyming reasons), and Dad will need a new name now that he is no longer a resident. But I don't have much of a theme to work with. So I'm opening the forum for suggestions. Let me know what you think. I'll do my best to rack my brain too, but don't count on anything brilliant.

A bunch of little things happened on Friday (non-baby-related) that I want to blog about -- but they need my full attention and it is almost time to pump (again!). So look forward to topics like Pop-eye Transvestite and lipstick at the dinner table.

The Birth

2008-07-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

Like the previous seventeen days in the hospital, June 26th began with a blood draw. Then a visit from the resident, the nurse's aid, the arrival of the breakfast tray. It was just like all the others. The morning routine had its own rhythm, unvaried over the course of my stay. No reason to think it would change. 31 weeks and 1 day.

By mid-morning the nurse arrived to set me up for monitoring of the babies' heart rates and any contractions. We had finally mastered getting the two babes tracings separated, as their chests were lying right next to one another in my belly. There was a little trick, which I showed each new nurse. Baby boy needed just the right angle, and like magic, there were two clearly different heart beats. But that morning turned out a bit different.

Initially, all was fine. But about half way through monitoring our boy had a brief deceleration in his heart rate, dropping down to the 80s before we lost his tracing altogether. His heart beat was quickly found again and he rebounded back to the 140s. The supposition was that he had briefly compressed his umbilical cord, not surprising with his low amniotic fluid levels from the rupture. We opted to monitor for a bit longer than usual, and just before stopping he had another deceleration. These episodes were not linked to any contractions, although I had been having some occasionally for several days, but without regularity.

The attending MFM sent me down to the Labor and Delivery floor for a period of continuous monitoring. Resident Boy arrived to be with me, and we got all set up for the duration. Still the consensus was that I would be there for the afternoon and likely return to the 5th floor by evening. Of course my darling surgeon husband cautioned me not to eat lunch, on the chance I was headed to c-section. I scoffed and teased him, as did the nurses. And promptly asked for at least a popsicle.

I lounged through a couple hours of monitor and a sonogram of the babies, with no relevant problems. A friend stopped by, ironically the friend whom I was visiting when my membranes ruptured. Then the labor/delivery attending stopped in to introduce himself. He asked basic questions, including asking if I was having any contractions. To which I answered no. Then Resident Boy watches as the tocometer begins to climb. The attending exits, commenting that I would likely be monitored for a bit longer and then be sent back upstairs. (Yeah, right) I promptly begin having the largest contraction I've had in the hospital, and proceed to continue contracting every 8-10 minutes. So much for going back to my cushy room up on five.

Baby Boy does not like the contractions. His heart rate routinely drops after each one, generally recovering fairly quickly. They quickly set me up with IV fluids and oxygen, have me lie on my left side to try and keep Baby Boy happier. The contractions do ease in intensity somewhat, but continue to come. The doctors briefly put out hope that maybe the contractions will stop, but my husband and I both know this is the end of bedrest.

By now it is evening and after about 40 minutes, the doctors concede that it seems unlikely that the contractions will abate. And our boy is still not liking them. The decision is made by all that c-section is the best choice to keep everyone safe. Luckily by this time, my last heparin dose is about 12 hours old, so I can have a spinal and be awake for the delivery.

Things move quite quickly from there out. Fortunately, the labor floor is quiet and everyone can move efficiently, but without being overly rushed. Resident Boy knows the anesthesia resident, and fortunately he is only days from completing his residency. (one week later, and I could have had a much greener resident) He does a great job with the spinal, and I am quickly prepped for the section.

Having never had any type of surgery before, the sensations were strange. I was fortunate not to get nausea or other types of side effects of the spinal. The surgeons delivered our little girl first, and I was relieve to hear a tiny cry from her. One minute later, our boy was delivered with a similar little cry. My husband was right there at the isolettes watching all that was done.

Within a few minutes it was determined that our girl would need intubation and likely surfactant to help her breathe. Our boy looked a little better initially, but within minutes required the same therapy. Everyone assured me they both looked very good and they were doing fine.

It was hard to hear everyone bustling around and caring for them, but not to be able to see anything. My husband popped back to me every few minutes, but most of the time I could not see him either. While they sewed me up, I still had not seen my babies. They whisked them off to the NICU, and I could hardly see into the isolettes. While I knew this was the best thing for them, it was difficult. And I was so disappointed that they needed to be placed on the ventilator. I understood how important it was for them to have that assistance, but I had secretly hoped that my babies would manage to avoid it.

My recovery from the spinal was smooth, and they took me up to the NICU to see my little ones. It was hard to just look at them. Not touch them or smell them. To see their faces covered with tubes and tape. To see just how tiny they were. To have too much knowledge, and to know all the pitfalls that could lie ahead.

As you may already know, we were blessed. So far these tiny infants have shown themselves to be incredibly strong and resilient. This week they have been making small strides in gaining weight, and the only tubes in their bodies are the nasogastric feeding tubes. We are so fortunate.

Shane David and Rebecca Ann, the first time they were reunited.

Transitions

2008-07-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Baby update:

Yesterday was the babies 1-week birthday, and we got a special surprise -- we got to offer them their first bottles. Our boy had to stay in his isolette since he still had an umbilical IV, but it was still wonderful. Initially the doctors had said they would need to be 33 weeks gestational age to try this, but they have been doing so well, that they decided to go for it. Both babies managed a few mls, and gave a few good suck-swallows (what google searches will that snag?).

Today, our boy had his umbilical IV removed and I got to hold him for the first time. He was very alert and looking all around. After we took the bottle away, he kept trying to suck his fingers or thumb and did a pretty good job at it! Our girlie was pretty pooped out today and didn't do as well as yesterday, but slept like an angel in Daddy's arms.

Mommy update:

Overall, I'm doing okay, but feel a little blue tonight. I'm healing quickly and thrilled the babies are doing so well. Our friends, who we are staying with now that the house is sold, are wonderful and generous with their space and time. I'm with my loving husband. But ... my first born has been away for nearly a month (staying with grandparents and aunt 2 hours away). When I was in the hospital, it was easy since it was impossible to care for him, and neither could Resident Boy while he finished work. But now we are both home and I am getting stronger. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to totally care for him on my own, and my husband has to study for his boards. The Snake is really enjoying the camp he is going to with his cousin, but tonight he apparently had a rough night. It gets tough for him right before he comes home for the weekend. And he knows I am home from the hospital, and it is hard for a 5-year-old to understand why he can't be with me now.

I'm struggling with lots of conflicting emotions. At the grocery the other day I was flooded with envy as a saw a pregnant woman. All those bitter IF feelings rose right to the surface. Why couldn't it have been easy for me? Why did these things have to happen to us? Why does our life have to be in chaos? That sense of unfairness just surged through me. I am confused at not feeling pregnant any longer. The entire experience just feels truncated. Amputated. Artificial. While I know that we are blessed that our babies are healthy and doing very well under the circumstances, I feel so disconnected from the entire situation. We sit and plan about car seats and what to do when the babies come home, but it feels unreal, surreal.

We are rootless. I exited the hospital and entered no-man's-land. I have no idea when we will reach California or how I will establish a home there. I never saw my first house again. I never took a moment to cherish the memories we made there. Our first home, our first child.

I am tired. I am tired of turmoil. I am tired of upheaval. I want simple mornings, peaceful afternoons, tranquil evenings. Unlikely any of that will come soon, I suppose.

Know that I am only a bit down tonight and need to spew these feeling out. I'm sorry that I so often share the tough days and not always the happy ones. Tomorrow the sun will shine, The Snake will be here and I will move forward. There will be smiles, of that I'm sure. And each time I hold my babies they will be bound closer to my heart.

Birth story and pictures soon, I promise.

No Longer Hangin' -- Babies Arrived

2008-06-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, June 26 at 8:18 and 8:19 pm our little boy and little girl arrived via C-section (2.5 and 3.5 pounds respectively).

They have made huge strides in the four days they have been in this world. Initially intubated, given surfactant and placed on a ventilator -- now they are breathing room air. Both are now tolerating oral feedings through the OG tube. They are tiny, but look good.

The experience has been overwhelming and the logistics of our lives continues to be wildly complicated. But we are keeping our heads above water.

I'll post more with the birth story and updates soon. But tonight is my first night out of the hospital in 21 days, and it is time to sleep. Thank you for all your encouragement and support.

Still Hangin' In

2008-06-20T16:46:00.001-07:00

Ahhh -- finally an internet connection! So this will be quick and not well crafted post, before I lose the connection.

First things first -- babies still in the belly. Ten days in and now at 30 weeks and 2 days. No signs of labor or infection so far. I have had a few more intermittent contractions the last 2 days, but I think the babies have grown too and there's been a lot of stretching and discomfort from that.

My only treatment now is twice a day heparin to prevent blood clots, and my vitamins and precious colace. The main thing is lots of monitoring to be sure the babies are doing fine. I get monitored 3 times a day, and those stinkers are not always cooperative. Occasionally we get a beautiful strip, but often they move around (especially the girl) and then we wind up monitoring only one baby. I was getting biophysical profiles daily, but since I tended to obsess about little boy's fluid levels (he's the ruptured one) they opted to go to every other, especially since I've been so stable.

One nurse compared each day in utero as saving us 3 days in the NICU. So today I had her again, and she congratulated me that with 10 days on bed rest I've saved a month in the NICU. Cool, huh?

But the tour we took of the NICU the other night was a bit daunting. I wasn't totally shocked by the size of some babies, but I just keep thinking about the fact that they were probably singletons, and my babies would not be as big as those I was seeing. Although I know twins mature a little faster and have that advantage, and that I received steroids -- it is still tough to think about how tiny less than 3 pounds will be. If I get through the weekend, I think we will finally get another full scan with the ultrasound tech and do measurements to estimate size. If they are both over that 3 pound mark I'll be happy, cause I think a lot of stats are better for babies over 1500 grams.

As for the rest of life, it seems to be falling into place as everyone has suggested it will. Resident Boy's family has arrived to stay in the neighboring Canadian city where The Snake is staying with his aunt. So there will be three adults to oversee him and his cousin. The in-laws also helped clean out a bunch of the house junk, and will help finish up again next week. Best of all Resident Boy's LAST day was today! Huzzhah! So, now he will focus on studying for his boards in July. He will forgo the review course that is far away. I was selfish and told him I was not comfortable with him being in a remote area of New England with no simple direct flights back to our city. Being on heparin means if I go for emergent C-section that I can't have a spinal or epidural, only general. I'm not happy about that in general, but especially not if he was out of town. Someone needs to be available to make medical decisions.

The Snake is doing okay with being away, but when his cousin goes to her father's on his custody days it's a little tougher for him. Last night he called and worriedly asked if he would have to spend the entire summer with his aunt. I told him I wasn't sure, but didn't think so, but we would have to see. How helpful was that? The uncertainty was hard for him (gee, where do you think he gets that from?). I'm hoping once the babies actually come and we have a better idea of time lines that we can settle him better.

I'd better post this before I lose my connection. Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes! I'll do my best to keep you updated. Hoping you all are doing well.

Status Quo

2008-06-13T04:01:00.000-07:00

So far, so good. No fever, no signs of infection or labor. Our little boy is still making fluid and that is making it easier to feel them both now. They are driving the nurses crazy for monitoring as their heart rates are so often similar and then hang out right next to one another. The nurses can almost never get separate tracings of their heart rates.

Sonograms all look good so far. Now it is just waiting. My butt and back are getting stiff, but whatever.

The logistical nightmare continues. Our lawyer actually called saying the buyers of our house are getting all freaked out. Resident Boy was kinda upset being the lawyer should be working for us and more concerned about our situation. I'm going to handle it today. He got slammed yesterday trying to make up the on-call night he missed on Tuesday -- so he had been in surgery for 24 hours straight. I'm going to try and tackle the utilities issues and pay bills today as the WiFi seems to have spottily kicked in.

My brother should be out in Santa Monica receiving the moving delivery today. But we still haven't figured out who or how he will get the stuff into the apartment. Oh yeah, then the realty group give Resident Boy a hard time when he clues them in on our plans that they need a fax from him saying he gives my brother permission to get into our apartment. If we hadn't told them they wouldn't even have known. Liability issues in our country are just getting ridiculous.

Okay, better use the WiFi for more essential things before I lose it. I'll do my best to keep you updated. Thanks for all your support -- it really means a lot. I'm not a pray-er, but I'll take those too.

Big Changes

2008-06-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Last week was hard. But the packing got done. The moving pods got sent to California. We had a lovely time at the graduation banquet, and Resident Boy was surprised with an award. We celebrated The Snake’s 5th Birthday. All the grandparents had a great time and got sent home safely on Sunday.

Then Monday evening I felt a gush of fluid in the wrong place … three days before I was supposed to take a flight to LA. I am now in the local women’s and children’s hospital, on bedrest until the babies arrive. I will be 29 weeks tomorrow.

There are things in our favor. No pre-term labor at this stage. Both babies are cooking along. We are at the highest level NICU in the area (I’m fairly certain we are at Level 3). I recognized the signs and was at the hospital and on steroids and antibiotics within hours of the rupture. After the initial loss of fluid, things have slowed to a trickle. I am actually in the same city as my husband.

There are some things that are making our lives a logistical nightmare. The buyers of the house happened to contact our lawyer today and were wondering if we could close early – like this Friday (ha ha). Meanwhile, we were wondering if we could close later. Our official contract has the close at the end of the month, so we can hold them to that. But as for after, we will need housing.
The pods will be arriving in Santa Monica on Thursday. My brother and his girlfriend have decided to still go and meet it, but there is no one to help them unpack as yet. We’re working on it. Worse case, we pay more money and higher some mover guys to get the stuff in the place.
My husband was supposed to travel to New England for 12 days to go to a review course for his boards. Then in July he was supposed to be taking them. As we may now have me on bedrest for hopefully a few weeks time, and then babies in the NICU for an undetermined time – no one is sure how that will all work out. So there may be multiple flights to cancel for untold amounts of money.
Oh, and then there is that pesky 5-year-old who needs to be cared for. Many friends have stepped up and offered, as well as relatives from far reaches too. But we have settled on sending him to his aunt and cousin who are 2 hours away. His grandparents will be joining them there in about 10 days. That way he will be able to come and visit on occasion. He is having a tough time grasping things and doesn’t quite understand that Mommy isn’t coming home soon. But he is excited to go spend time with his cousin. Hopefully that will be enough distraction.
I am nervous but a bit resigned. Mostly I am sad at how this has created a disaster for my dear husband. He his handling it pretty well, but I know it is so very difficult for him. He is already exhausted from having to get all the packing done last week, and now this happens. I know he can handle it all and everyone says that the most important thing is for me to rest and focus on the babies. But it is more than hard. I have been the planner, organizer, logistical coordinator for the last 5 years. And now when the shit hits the fan, I can barely do anything. My room show 3 bars for WiFi but I can’t seem to connect. I’ll keep trying.
At my ultrasound today, they managed to get a 3D image of my daughter’s face. I cried. Please make this all turn out okay.

I am ... (updated)

2008-05-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am finally packing.
I am getting bigger.
I am selling like a fiend on crai.gslist.
I am going crazy with my kid.
I am not sleeping.
I am having heartburn.
I am excited to shop in California.
I am paranoid the move will fall apart.
I am freaked at finances.
I am getting kicked (by babies) all the time.
I am tired of crappy weather.
I am networking in Cali.
I am going to 2 black tie events in one week.

I am TIRED.

Update: But I am happy, really. I think.

Painful Purchase

2008-05-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Today was painful. Not because I'm preparing for my second garage sale. Not because the weather here is so crappy that I have to have my heat back on and running regularly. Not because my son just finished a week-long asthma attack, complete with both albuterol and prednisone induced mania. Not because I have only four weeks left until moving.

Today was painful, because I spent over $150 on BRAS. Bras, for gosh sakes! And to top it off, guess how many that $150 got me? THREE nursing* bras. That's right, THREE!

I've officially out-grown everything I own. I tried breaking out the old nursing bras from The Snake, but no go. Much bigger this time. A lovely lady fit me in a boutique shop here. She acknowledged I'm a tough size. Small chest, HUGE cup-size. To top it off, I have a need for short straps. So my choices were pretty limited. sigh

Being that we are shelling out money hand-over-fist with this cross-country move, that was a tough purchase. We do have some cash coming in, with selling our stuff. But it's just not the same as what's going out. Everything will even out, but it's still painful.

Things are otherwise okay. The house sale is going forward. I've made an appointment with a doctor in California. We actually have an apartment in Santa Monica. We booked our flights to move out there and Resident Boy is coming with us for the weekend, along with my brother. The mover is booked. We still need to get rid of lots of our stuff and pack what we are taking, but it's slowly happening. We need to sell our car too.

Things with the babies are fine. I'm embarrassed I've never given them nick-names. I'm just sapped of creative ideas. Last week's growth scan showed both babies are growing and weigh about one and a half pounds. Although our little girl now also has some mild enlargement of one of her kidneys, and her brothers are still plump. I'm slightly stressed about it, but trying to forget about it since there is nothing to be done.

I'm still checking in on most of you and commenting when I get the chance. It's what I do when I take that 10 minute break to breathe. But I might drop off the radar at any point as moving day gets close. Hopefully we will get internet set up ASAP in Cali and I'll be back online. I'll need it for all the shopping and stuff that I'll need to do there.

Congrats to Leah and Ms. Planner on the arrivals of their precious bundles!

*obviously, I'm not nursing yet, but I found this is the only way to find a decent size and comfort, and hopefully they will still fit when my milk comes in. knowing my luck though, I'll explode even bigger.

Domino

2008-05-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I think the dominoes are starting to fall.

We finally got a bid on our house and reached an agreement. Inspection is tonight, and it looks like things may just fall into place. The sight-unseen apartment with the laundry is still listed with the property management company in Santa Monica. Resident Boy will try to see if we can still get it, or he will fly out to Cali in about a week to line up an apartment. We've planned our first big garage sale in two weeks. I need to figure out about the mover issues.

Today I realized -- in 6 weeks I will be moving to California. SIX WEEKS PEOPLE!

And today was a miserable rainy day in which I accomplished NOTHING. Oh well.

There will be packing, re-packing, selling, trashing and all sorts of other things to accomplish. I will need to meet new doctors, get The Snake settled, set up a new house, buy things for the babies.

And I'm glad all those dominoes are going to fall. I can't see what type of picture they make.

************************************************************************************

Sorry, guess you may want a babies update! Had a check-up yesterday at 23 weeks. Weight, good. Blood pressure, good. Pee, good. Heart beats, good. Heartburn started, Tums purchased.

Babies are kicking more regularly the last several days, and harder too. I'm a bit anxious as we approach the 24 week mark and that tenuous cusp of viability. I've been very luck thus far and things seem to be going just fine. There are more and more moments where I believe that we really are going to make it to the end. And then I get nervous that I'm jinxing myself. How incredibly difficult it could be if things go wrong in California, that something could even happen in the brief times I will need to be alone, without DH. I try not to focus on those possibilities, but they must be considered. And then if we do make it to the end, how am I going to manage two newborns, a kindergartner, and a new home all by myself.

One way or another, it will all work out, and we will survive and even thrive.
Right?

Request for Information

2008-04-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Ladies! This is a special shout out to my IF gals. I have a good friend who is not a blogger who has been facing IF. She is double whammied with both PCOS and a balance translocation. Luckily, it seems that Metformin has finally done the trick and she is pregnant in her mid-first trimester. She is a little spooked after talking to her OB about whether or not to continue the Metformin through just the first trimester, or longer throughout the pregnancy. They have not made a decision yet.

I know some of you have been through this issue. Would you mind sharing your decision making process? I understand some circumstances may be different, but I thought I'd check in with you all. She has been through one other pregnancy and I don't believe she had gestational diabetes in that case, nor did she continue the Met.

Thanks for any advice you can offer! And if you'll cross your fingers for her too, I'd appreciate it. (There is still the translocation to worry about too.) Thanks guys!

Yesterday and Today

2008-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's strange how one day can be so horrendously horrible, and the next so peacefully serene.

Yesterday an irritable preschooler pushed my buttons and drove me to the edge -- then over the edge. I did and said things a mother should not.

Today, a rested preschooler mostly said please and thank you; there was even smiling. And I was a mother who said and did the right things.

***********************************************************************************

Since I started blogging, I've found myself floating between several communities. I started out seeking support while traveling the rough road of infertility. But as a secondary IFer, I had other parts of my life to explore. So I began finding other "mommy" bloggers. Once we were blessed to find some success in the IF world, I needed to find others with experience in the multiples world (both spontaneous and assisted). I have been lucky to find a cohort of wonderful women who share so many of my interests and foibles. In the next months I'm not sure exactly what community I will fit best. I hope to continue being part of them all.

And now I have received my first bloggy award. Thank you Slouching Mom!

There are so many supportive special people I've encountered in all these communities. But I'll pick just a few to pass this on to:
JJ
Ms. Planner
Mrs. Chicken
Lori at Weebles Wobblog

No More Ants

2008-04-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA. Did you notice? It has been a bit of a trend, no? Ah well, as usual, things have been crazy. Cause that's my world -- dead quiet, then crazy.

I was out of town for a bit visiting the folks in PA. We had a nice visit and I dumped more of my "not taking to Cali" stuff off at my brothers. Spent time with my Dad who is recovering quite well from his quadzillion bypass. Went shopping with my Mom for formal dresses for Resident Boy's graduation banquet. Found a rather nice one on sale at Ann Taylor Loft Maternity. Also picked up a bunch of maternity wear at a great consignment shop by my parents. So it was a good clothing trip for me!

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if things didn't go haywire while I was out of town. Resident Boy's clunker finally hit the wall. After hemorrhaging money into this car, we decided NO MORE. So he biked until I came back to town. Now we are down to one vehicle. So, no more freedom for me. But I do get priority for doctor appointments. He's get priority when he's on-call. I guess it will be good practice for LA when we will still only have one car. Oh, did I mention we can't find the title to sign it over to the mechanic for disposal? So I've got to get a duplicate, turn in plates and cancel insurance. Fun.

When I returned, we scrambled to tidy up for the open house that was scheduled. There was a good turn out, but still NO offers! Ugh. We decided to drop the list price. We knew it was high, and might have to come down. But we were really looking forward to making more money!

Now I am facing planning a garage sale, more house showings, finishing up more doctor appointments, figuring out how we are moving, where we are moving, having The Snake's birthday, giving my dog to in-laws for the next year, packing -- oh, and about a ton of other things. Not that I'm complaining, I mean I was asking for something to do the other week, right? Well, now I've got it.

Our next big decision is whether to spend even MORE money then we'd planned to live in Santa Monica so that I can have a place with laundry IN THE APARTMENT, plus with the elementary school a block away. I'm thinking YES. We're already going broke, right? Why not a little more broke?

I suppose you might want a baby update after all that junk? Things are fine. Growth check the other week was spot on. Little boy still has big kidney stuff, but no worse. I'm getting bigger, and bigger, but still feeling fairly good. A little bulky perhaps, but still getting around. They kick regularly and Resident Boy has been able to feel them. The Snake wants to, but doesn't have the patience to wait. I haven't taken belly pictures but have been thinking about it. I'm not sure about posting them. I haven't posted the sonogram pics either. I'm not sure about it.

I'll stop boring you with endless updates. Perhaps something more thoughtful in the next few days.

Antsy

2008-04-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

No, spring has not brought creepy little insects in to my home. But it has brought an intense unsettled sense. My house is mostly cleans all the time, thanks to being on-the-market in this if-y market. I'm actually keeping up with the laundry. There is food in the fridge. My homemaking chores are essentially done. While the list of things to accomplish for our cross-country move grows. Yet I can't do any of them.

There will packing to do. Moving/garage sale to organize. Yet it is too early. With no home in LA identified yet I can't organize the movers or the move. The weather is still too yucky here (it SNOWED this morning) to set up the garage sale.

There will be a ton of things to purchase for these babies, but even though I have free time and feel good, I can't go shopping. We have decided to move with just the bare bones of our existence, and set up house in LA. There will be things needed for the new apartment, and decorating, but those too will have to wait.

So, I sit here in limbo. Antsy.

Update: Okay, the snow only lasted about an hour and didn't really even stick -- but it was still a bummer!

The Growth of Spring

2008-04-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

Spring is struggling forth in my region, where winter typically hangs on with steely frigid claws until well into April. But this week, old man winter has been sent packing. And with a brief peak at spring, my mommy blues went to join him, at least for today.

As of late, parenting a nearly 5-year-old boy has been something of an unpleasant chore. Despite my best efforts, most moments were spent counting the minutes until school started or daddy would be home so I could be off-duty. Some of this is circumstances -- not too many preschoolers understand how maintaining your house in staged-for-on-the-market status is draining and means you have NO interest in building with legos. Some is developmental stage -- we are heavy into the it's not fair stage. Some is stress and fatigue, for both of us.

The last few weeks these feelings have given me a lot of guilt. Here I am, pregnant finally with two very wanted children. Yet I had no desire to parent my adored first-born. And while I heard the echoes of all those parenting books about positive reinforcement and quality time reverberating through my head, I just couldn't break out of that rut.

Then something clicked today. The stars aligned. The sun shone. We ate doughnuts.

Today I saw the face of that tiny little boy who would smile at me with a little sparkle. The boy who hovered around me waiting for a little kiss, then actually went to play on his own. And my big boy showed up to help me clean and put things away, without complaint. But sweetest of all, bedtime was peaceful, with a few silly moments tucked in.

I hope in the chaos of the upcoming months we can find a few more days like this, for my little boy is growing up.

Drumroll, Please

2008-03-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

After almost 3 years of waiting, we will be welcoming ...

A Boy
and
A Girl

Our anatomy scan went fine. Measurements were right on cue and everything was in its place. The only little flag was some mild enlargement in the renal pelvises in our little boy. (This is where the urine collects before entering the urethra to travel to the bladder.) The enlargement wasn't technically "abnormal," but was larger than typically seen. Apparently this is more common in boys than girls and may be no big deal. They will track it and monitor, but there really is nothing to be done. If there is truly any problems, they would be addressed after birth.

My cervix measured fine (3.7) and no funneling. There was a subchorionic bleed, but the perinatalogist felt it was "small potatoes," although the nurse/tech said it was pretty big. I'm not spotting since the trip out west, so I'm going to not worry. (yeah, right. okay, not much)

We are very happy and just want all to continue to go well.

Oh, I asked The Snake what he thought the babies were ... he enthusiastically suggested 2 Boys! I told him Nope. His reply, Oh Man! Then I told him he would still get a brother, but also a sister. He seemed okay with that.

The Nature of Good and Bad

2008-03-26T15:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I walked into the room to find Resident Boy studying for his upcoming boards this summer. He was watching a little video presentation about various fractures and injuries and their appropriate repair. The Snake had decided to join the study session.

So what do I find? My husband and son curiously examining a photo of a severely mutilated hand with multiple fingers missing. What does my 4-year-old say?

Ooh. That's not good.

Hmm, what does it say about us as parents that our pre-schooler is unfazed by such a site?

What Exactly Does Free Mean?

2008-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

In our of recent musing about where to live in LA we were discussing the merits of University housing verses apartment dwellings. University housing includes high-speed internet and cable, something we have lived without for the past 5 years.

We were dreaming of the beauty of Santa Monica, but bemoaning the cost of all the utilities on top of expensive rent. So I jokingly suggested:

We could live TV-free for the year.

The Snake's reply:

But Mom, wouldn't that be stealing?

All the News that's Fit to Print

2008-03-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

I keep promising you updates about all the happenings, yet keep putting it off because I'd like to do it in some sort of clever and entertaining manner. Since its clear that the time and creativity just aren't happening, I thought I'd just get it over with!

Telling The Snake THE NEWS
We brought him into our bedroom the morning after the NT scan. Reminded him about how he'd been asking for a sibling, then told him it looked like that was finally going to happen. He thought for a moment, his eyes lit up, and he said "Thanks MOM!" and leaned over to kiss my belly. Then we told him there were in fact 2 babies coming. He simply smiled.

Our subsequent trip to PA was filled with admonishing from him that I be a "good driver" to "keep the babies safe." One morning he came down and gave me a kiss, then insisted on giving me another one, then took my hand and put it to my lips and then to my belly -- because the 2nd kiss was "for the babies."

Lately his favorite questions are things like "are the babies punching yet?" and "oh mom, aren't the babies being sweet to you?" and "are the babies hungry? how do you know?" He has been a pretty good helper, but we've tried not to play the you need to be good because the babies are coming card. He is excited and often asks things like will he get one baby for himself, or can one sleep with him, etc. He has been clear that his preference is boys, and that 2 girls would not be acceptable. But he does understand that we have no control over this issue. Which he emphatically informed my BIL when he inquired what type of siblings he'd like.

Follow-up on my dad's by-pass
So far he has been doing fine. He has actually gotten off all the diabetes medication except the Metformin. I'm hoping that one will eventually go too. He says he's lost about ten pounds, which I'm sure will make him look older. I'm nervous to see him again. Last time we talked he sounded pretty depressed, but his personality is such that a long recovery will drive him crazy. And this is just not something you walk away from a week later. Since now there is a question whether he and my mom will come to WNY in June for DH's big residency graduation, I'm thinking of heading down again in mid-April. But it depends on lots of other things.

The BIG trip to LA
So we spent 3 days in LA, mostly in the Palms, Mar Vista and Santa Monica areas. It was too early to actually find and get an apartment, so our goal was to scope out neighborhoods and schools and such.

Our first mission was to check out the University family housing which we are eligible for, but are not certain whether we will receive and have the timing work. The complex is about 4-5 miles south of UCLA's campus, and about 4-5 miles from the Santa Monica hospital that Resident Boy will work at. With the babies coming and our need to buy a new car, we are facing going to one vehicle. So it was nice to see that the U housing is right on a major bus route that goes to both campus and Santa Monica. There is an elementary school about 3 blocks away, which is LAUSD but is considered one of the best in their system. There are some strip malls with in walking distance for me. We finished our tour feeling like, yes we could live there. Its definitely urban and big complex living. But there would be a built-in community and the school was close. And most key is the cost -- significantly lower than most LA apartments, and we could even have a 3-bedroom.

Next we went and checked out a few apartments in Santa Monica. And it was a whole different experience. We really liked the area north of Wilshire and around Montana -- basically filled with shops and boutiques. Very cute and fun. Lovely little houses and apartment buildings. We looked at a overpriced 2-bedroom and got good info from the agent. Who stated that with kids we'd really want Santa Monica for the schools. And they do look a little better cared for and nicer. We did a little more research and we probably could get a decent size 2-bedroom in that area -- but it will run about $1000 per month more. That's $12,000 -- practically an IVF cycle right?

So we have quite a dilemma. How much more in debt do we become? We really want to enjoy this year in a pretty place before we settle down for good. But if we live in Santa Monica, we might not be able to afford much else. And will I meet other moms there who might be able to help me out now and then? But it so nice. And I really worry about the quality of the school for The Snake. I know it's only kindergarten and I'm lucky he is very bright, so he will likely survive a poor experience. But I still want it to be good. Argh! Any advice, assvice or opinions are welcome.

Other News
We also just found out that DH's last day of work is later in June then we thought. He has to attend a board review conference for the last 2 weeks of June. So now there will be NO time between when he finishes work and the conference. We had planned to have him drive our car and stuff out to LA during that week, so that The Snake and I could get out to LA and be settled. I could be there if complications with the babies came up and establish a relationship with a doctor. Now it looks like he won't be free until early July, and he need to study to take the boards on July 18th. So he is freaking out about how we are going to do the move. We may have to consider eating a chunk of money and paying movers, maybe buying our van out in California. I don't know what we will do. I could stay in WNY longer and wait to go with him in July -- but if anything goes wrong then I could get stuck here until the babies come. I DO NOT want to have these babies with my husband in another state! It's just so tiring to have it be so complicated.

Anatomy scan on the 31st. I can't wait. Meanwhile I'm scrambling to get the house immaculate for the realtor to put it on the market. The next 6 months are going to fly.

Forward Progress

2008-03-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the doom and gloom. I'm doing much better, really. Sunday and Monday were sunny days here which did wonders for my attitude. And overall, I feel much better physically. I actually had a little surge of energy yesterday and got quite a few little things accomplished around the house. Hopefully today I can follow through.

The spotting was really short-lived, and I still feel the babies regularly. So I really think things are fine. I think the spotting-after-flying thing just really freaked me out since our current plan was for me to fly cross-country in June when I'd be around 30 weeks. While I'm aware this is generally not ideal with twins, it seemed better to take a 4.5 hour flight than spend 4-5 days sitting in a car. But after the spotting, I'm not sure now. I will discuss it with the OB in 2 weeks at my appointment. Ironically, this will be the first appointment I actually meet one of the doctors, as I've only seen the nurse practioner so far.

My only pregnancy symptom issue now is the insomnia. Bad insomnia. I'm waking at least 3-5 times per night. I got a snoogle body pillow and that has helped my back, but I'm still waking up. And waking the DH up too, so he is exhausted. I feel so bad for him, but he won't let me sleep elsewhere since he says that keeps him up too.

Okay, there is lots to share about the trip west and our plans, but I've got to get my day going. So more to follow soon! Thanks again for all your sweet thoughts and support, they really matter.

Evil Anxiety

2008-03-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

There are so many things to share about from the last two weeks, but I'm feeling so strange today. Some how I'm just overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness. The trip out west went okay, but after each 4 hour flight I had some light brown spotting for 12-24 hrs. No cramping or other symptoms and each event seems to be over. But today my abdomen just feels intermittently tight and uncomfortable (probably just stretching, but of course I doubt). I'm tired but not able to really sleep. I have a mild headache from not really doing anything all day. I have no appetite. I get dizzy easily (this has been happening throughout on occasion).

I just feel intensely sad and worried. Which is so ridiculous since I've been able to feel movement for a more than a week. I'm 16 and a half weeks and have felt the babies even today -- although my mood has me convinced that it is less than other days. I just can't shake this spooked feeling.

I've finally caught up with my back log of blog posts, and was disappointed to find more sad news lately. Of course there are some who are doing just fine, but is it easier to focus on the bad today. What is wrong with me!?

Our trip to LA was helpful, although we still don't know exactly where we will live. There are literally a 1000 things to get done in the next 2 weeks and I don't fathom how it will all happen when I feel so BLAH. Of course we came home to gray, rainy weather and over a foot of melting snow -- so that's not helping. I am lucky that my lovely DH is home this weekend, and he is keeping The Snake out of my hair. He has been so good to me lately, as always. He is positive things will all be fine, both with the babies and our year in LA. I just can't seem to latch on to that today.

I know I should just let go, chill out today and hope that tomorrow is better. I'll try.

Surgery, Diabetes, Vomiting -- Oh My!

2008-02-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

I still owe you funny, clever stories about The Snake's reaction to the news, but thought I'd just update on all that has happened the last week. Thanks again for all the good wishes for my dad.

Last Wednesday my dad had his chest ripped open and four arteries grafted to his heart to improve the blood flow to his muscle. He was highly tolerant to the pain meds and it took them an extra hour to get him settled in his bed post-op. But he came off the ventilator by that evening and most of his time in the hospital was unremarkable. Oh, except for the little diabetes that seems to have reared its ugly head.

My dad has a sweet tooth. And he indulges it. However, his routine blood work has never necessitated any further investigation into a diabetes diagnosis, although his fasting sugar is at the high end of the normal range. His younger brother has battled the disease for a number of years. So this event has been a little tough for him. He has been discharged on 2 oral medications for diabetes, as well as a long-acting insulin shot once a day. He checks his sugar 4-5 times a day at this point to track how things are going. The doctors say the condition may not be permanent or at least may improve, but they can't be certain. It may have been kicked off by the intense trauma/stress to his body from the surgery.

So I stayed back in Pennsylvania until he came home from the hospital, to help my mom and brother (who lives with them) get him settled. My folks have been pretty healthy so aren't hugely medically savvy and dealing with all the heart meds and diabetes meds and monitoring was pretty overwhelming. But things quickly got settled, and I finally had to get back to return The Snake to school and be sure Resident Boy had not completely demolished the house.

Of course I arrived home to dog poop in the basement, pee on the rug, dog hair all over everything, and no food in the house. It wasn't the dog's fault -- Resident Boy didn't pick up her prescription diet and she got sick. And I have a week to clean it up, work on the taxes, organize a bunch of things, go to 2 doctors appointments and prepare to leave again for another week. We are heading out west to scope out neighborhoods in LA (The Snake will stay with his other grandparents in AZ).

Oh, and did I mention that the advent of the 2nd trimester brought along puking? Only a couple of times, but now I have these occasional waves of full-on, intense nausea. And the fatigue -- oy vey. I'm happy, absolutely. But I just don't know how everything is going to get done. And it is SO much colder here! I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep, which I did this afternoon.

This turned into a rant, huh? Well, I wish that I'd gotten a few more things done today, but I'm trying to remember that gestating 2 babies is tough work. And my primary job. But its hard when I can't see or feel them and just feel wrecked.

I did finally catch up on all my blogs tucked away in my reader! So while I didn't comment much, I know what you all have been up to, for the most part. I'd missed my daily check-ins! More fun and interesting things to follow, while I'm resting between loads of laundry.

Cabbage

2008-02-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

Well, my Dad's procedure went okay, except that they couldn't address his problem medically. He needs surgery. He's having beating heart by-pass surgery today, probably a triple. He generally in very good health, so we are being positive that all will be fine. His care has been very good so far, and we are confident he will make a good recovery.

Telling The Snake was fun and I'll fill you in on all the silliness when I get home. Needless to say, he is excited.

Thanks for all the good wishes and prayers. I'll let you know how things went.

First Trimester Scan

2008-02-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I developed an intense tension neck/headache. I guess the NT scan was worrying me more than I thought.

Both babies look fine. They were less than cooperative, but all the measurements were around 1.2-1.4 mm for both babies. This practice also takes a drop of blood (I think for free beta hCG levels) which is factored into the statistics -- so I won't have and risk factor info for another week. But the ultrasonographer said she would be surprised for us to have any indications to need CVS. And of course the question becomes, would we really risk losing both babies if there was a problem with one? Its something we will discuss extensively, but I think we've come so far to get these babies, I'm not sure we could take any chances.

I got to see facial bones, heart (and HEAR the heartbeats for the 1st time!), stomach, bladder and arms and legs. It was amazing. Baby A was very active, while Baby B was rather quiet. Neither wanted to give the tech the view she needed. But she was very patient and finally after we took a bathroom break for me, we got all the measurements. The babies seems to be side-by-side with the placenta at the top -- so no placenta previa worries. The tech also noted a possible small subchorionic bleed, and that may have contributed the strange "fluid event" from 2 weeks ago.

While we can't be sure, there are some suspecious other apendages. One definitely seemed to have some equipment, and the other may too, although she was less sure with the second. As long as one is a boy, then The Snake will be happy. He has been VERY clear that he wants a "baby brudder." I'll be happy if they both arrive safe and sound.

I think we will tell The Snake tonight. It will be interesting, to say the least. Then, in the morning, I'm packing up and heading to see my folks and friends in PA since The Snake has off school for the week. I'm hoping its a joyful trip, but there are some potential downers. I found out this week that my dad is going to have cardiac catheterization, and possible stent placement if needed, on Monday. And I will be trying to see MW and MM, our friends facing a terrible cancer diagnosis. Regardless, I'm sure it will be an emotional week with both highs and lows. I'll try to keep you updated. Thanks for all the support lately.

Mis-Scheduling Mishap

2008-02-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

As the clock ticked closer to noon, I became more anxious and cranky.
Come on Snake! Get those boots on!
I hand him off to the neighbor to walk to school and bolt down the road to the office. I arrive only to find the receptionist is not expecting me today. My appointment is scheduled for ... TOMORROW.

So, no NT scan today. No telling The Snake just yet. Not quite so special a Valentine's Day.

But we will love one another anyway. And kiss and hug. And tomorrow can be special too.

A lovely day and lovey day to you all!

Half Dozen Things

2008-02-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

Adriane tagged me awhile ago for 6 things things about me.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

So here goes:

1.) When I'm done brushing my teeth I have to rinse 3 times. Like I HAVE TO, not one, not four, but 3 times exactly. Freak, I know.

2.) I can't watch TV if there is a video box or something sitting on top. Drives me bananas. Freak, I know.

3.) I don't like pickles on my burger.

4.) I don't know how to classify myself. I was a urbanite for years and loved it, but then had to get out. There are times I'd love to get away and disappear into the rural landscape. Somehow I'm stagnating here in surburbia.

5.) I used to do really intricate counted-cross stitch. Like the kind on linen where you count the threads instead of using aida cloth, and where you blend tons of shades and lose place of just what color is that. But then I got some mild carpal tunnel issues and couldn't do the type of projects I liked anymore.

6.) I hate shoe shopping. Wait, don't disown me yet! I have a good reason. I have flat feet and bunions and have had foot pain since my mid-20s. So I really need these big chunky orthotic supports that really only fit in sneakers and some chunky boots or oxfords. I refuse to buy "old lady" shoes, but can't afford the nice European comfort shoes. So I'm stuck in my New Balance.

Okay, now for the tagging. I'll nominate a few new friends, Rebecca, Katie and Makingpeace. I also owe Fizzledink a different meme, so I promise to work on that one soon.

Tomorrow is the big NT scan. I was getting a bit nervous, but lately I can hardly sit with out feeling my poochy stomach, so somebody is growing in there. I'm trying to be all zen about it. Trying. It seems we will be telling The Snake if all looks good on the scan. In many ways I wanted to wait, but things are really starting to pick up with arranging our move to LA. I'm worried with all the stuff of putting the house on the market and arranging the move, that he is going to need more time to adjust to these babies entering his life. I could be shooting myself in the foot, but if it gets me a little more help from him in day-to-day life, I'm hoping its worth it. I'll just have to listen to -- "are they coming today?" -- every day. Maybe I'll get earplugs.

Not

2008-02-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

I have not gotten my house clean.
I have not managed to get my shower/tub drain fixed.
I have not packed for my trip this weekend.
I have not folded 4 loads of laundry.
I have not cooked dinner.
I have not ironed my husband's work shirts.
I have not found a realtor.
I have not touched up the damaged paint to sell the house.
I have not paid the bills.
I have not organized last seasons old pre-schooler clothes for consignment.
I have not started the taxes.
I have not returned the library books or movies.
I have not stocked the freezer to feed my DH while I'm away next week.
I have not picked up dog food.
I have not ... achieved very much lately.

It is bitter cold, snowing and gray. I am tired. sigh.

Lessons in Futility

2008-02-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

With our lives on verge of so much change, I decided it is time for the pre-schooler to become more independent. Honestly, it had nothing to do with the raging hormones that morning.

I advised The Snake that I would no longer be giving advice on matching his clothes, and that he would need to perform the entire task of dressing on his own. I was certain he was capable, and had in fact witnessed this accomplishment on rare occasions.

Typical of his age, dawdling ensued. There was plenty of sitting on the bed naked and reading of books. Eventually I completed my own morning rituals and announced I would be heading downstairs to breakfast. Note: the general rule is to administer The Snake's allergy/asthma meds and brush teeth prior to a trip to the kitchen. Therefore, my announcement resulted in hysterical tears. I assured him we would complete those tasks after breakfast, but I was no longer going to nag constantly remind him to "get dressed."

While eating, I tried to scare the bejesus motivate him to start his morning on his own by reminding him that next year he would be in kindergarten and need to go to school in the morning.

His reply: Good thing I'm still in Pre-k, huh Mom? And I go in the afternoon.

You don't want to know how things went when I announced I'd no longer be wiping his butt either.

I Want Spring

2008-02-06T08:11:00.001-08:00

For more Wordless Wednesday visit here.

With Sadness

2008-02-05T12:39:00.001-08:00

I send my thoughts and prayers to Mary Ellen and Steve. I will remember your girls.

I haven't posted about this since I really couldn't find the words to express how saddened I am over this loss. I was touched by this post by an eloquent blogger who seemed to convey it all.

Ten Weeks

2008-01-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

What would you think if you stood up, felt a gush of fluid from you hoo-ha, rushed to the bathroom and found your panties soaked with pink-tinged liquid? Fun, huh? It wasn't blood, I did NOT pee myself -- so what was it?

If you can tell me, I'll gladly send you some sort of prize. Cause my new OB practice hasn't a clue. Fortunately this whole scare started last night, and my first OB appointment was this afternoon. Although I did wind up calling the triage nurse this morning since I was also having some tightening and discomfort during my morning shower. The nurse was less than pleasant, which did not exactly make me excited about this new clinic. Top that off by an hour wait to be seen and I'm a little hesitant to offer any gold stars.

Anyway, luckily they did a sonogram first, and everybody looks fine. Both babies were present and accounted for, no one had secretly escaped on a wave of fluid. Heart rates were spot on around 170 and measurements tracked with all the previous ones, at 9w3d today which has been typical. All measurements have been several days behind, so we suspect some late implanting. Baby A was pretty wiggly, and Baby B looked to be sleeping. They sit side by side in separate sacs, with plenty of fluid. The tech could find no subchorionic bleeds or pockets of fluid, so no explanations.

I met the CNP for my visit, no doctor today. She did the full exam and we went over everything. She seemed very nice, and used to work in an infertility clinic on Long Island, as well as having a daughter via IVF. I need to schedule the NT and the second trimester screens with a radiology specialist. Lots of blood work to do also.

Yesterday I felt awful. Today I feel better (at least after the appointment). But the migraines aren't finished. If I go to the grocery store or the mall, they crank up like mad and I want to crawl in a hole and die. As long as they will get better, I hopefully can make it. I'm just worried they might persist. Cross your fingers for me.

Sorry for the boring post. The Snake went to the allergist this week and that will be fun to tell about, but it will have to be another day.

Status Quo

2008-01-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

I'm fine. I was tired of seeing the pity party post. The nausea is better, headaches better but still around. Pants tight. I can't believe I have to wait another WEEK until my OB appointment! What was I thinking? I could have been seen today, but I would have had to make childcare arrangements. So I opted for next Thursday afternoon. Ugh.

I wish I had the energy to creatively tell you about my recent issue with The Snake -- but I don't. Basically he has been waking up in the middle of the night, trying to get in bed with us. Every night. Multiple times a night. We have not permitted that in many, many, many months. And if it happened it was only because I didn't wake up when he tried. Last night it started at about 12:30 am and went on every 1-2 hours until Resident Boy rose at 5 am. Needless to say, I wound up screaming insanely at a 4-year-old who was definitely not going back to sleep. Not pretty.

I think Resident Boy is right, that it is likely related to anxiety over the frequently discussed move to LA. Yesterday was kindergarten registration, and his Pre-K is part of the elementary school. So all his friends were getting signed up, but we will be leaving. Plus, I suspect he suspects something else is up (ie the babies). But I'm just not ready to tell him. Especially without a recent ultrasound under my belt. I'm employing some new strategies tonight, so we'll see how it goes.

**********************************************************************************

Please send some love to some friends who need it:

My dear cyclesista Tracey is suffering a loss. Please send support.
JJ and Mook got disappointing news after their FET.
LAS is having a nerve-wracking appointment tomorrow.

Thanks

2008-01-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for the condolences and good wishes for my friends. I promise to keep you updated, as I'm sure this will not stop being a part of my life. Thanks also for the help with the knitting stuff and food ideas. I knew I could count on you guys, I really appreciate you're including links to sites and everything! I'll let you know how my project is going.

There's not much to say except I feel awful. I feel bad complaining, because I know some people have had that hyperemesis issue, and I'm not even puking. But I feel like I should ALL THE TIME. And the migraines with dizziness don't help. I'm taking tyel.nol now and then, but it only does so much. I tried ginger altoids, and they definitely do help -- but they taste terrible!

I just can't seem to get much done. And the weather is crappy, super cold and snowing, so I don't want to run errands. I feel useless. Ugh. I know it will get better. But I'm starting to think about calling my new OB office to see if they can either see me earlier or prescribe something. I can't believe it's only been a week since my last RE visit. It feels like its been ages, and will be ages longer until I'm close to 12 weeks. And what will I do if the migraines last longer!?

One day at a time, I suppose. Sorry for the pity party.

I Hate Something Bad

2008-01-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Niobe was posting about the phrase "nothing bad has happened yet." (NBHHY) I'd only recently come across this phrase/philosophy. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I could see how it is an attempt to just live in the moment. Yet the fear and implication of impending disaster was disheartening as well. I decided to mull it over a bit before commenting.

I'd decided that I would finally call my best friend M to share our news of the babies. I was excited to pick her brain, as she has (non-ART) twin girls who are just turning one this month, as well as an older son. I was looking forward to living in the moment for a change, and talking about minivans and strollers and breastfeeding.

Before I knew it the world was looking very different. After briefly saying hello and both of us apologizing for being out of touch since the fall, the day simply shattered. My friend, MW, who has felt more of a sister to me than my own, began to fill me in the last couple weeks in their lives. Her husband, MM, had been having some health issues lately. I knew that MM had a history of atrial fibrillation, so was concerned he was having troubles again. Then she reveals he has had a colonoscopy and a rectal mass was found. I'm surprised, but not yet shocked. Then she calmly goes on to say the biopsy was suspicious for malignancy. Again, I'm upset but still hopeful for a good outcome. But the last shoe drops. A CT scan shows metastatic lesions in the liver, and possibly lung. I am speechless. This is something bad. Very bad.

This is the couple we have asked to be our son's legal guardians, despite many siblings in both our families. This is the couple who helped us get an apartment next to them when we had our big rottweiler. This is the couple who cooked dinner with us many nights a week for 2 years. This is the couple that we drank wine with and played cards until late in the night and then stumbled across the hall to our own beds. This is the couple who held my hand while we tried for our first child. MW was present and held my hand at the birth of that child. This is the couple we have considered relocating to be closer to. These are our friends.

MM is 35-years-old. Rectal adenocarcinoma with metastatic lesions has a 5-year survival rate of 10%. That means 90% of patients are dead in 5 years. He will likely need multiple surgeries, extensive chemo and possibly other adjuctive therapies. Their son is 4 and the twin girl are not even a year old yet. My heart is breaking.

I feel horribly frustrated that we live a day's drive away. Here I am, not working. I could do so much for them, if only we were closer. I know there are things I can (and will) do. Sending care packages, messages, listening. But I so wish there was more.

Right now, they don't even have a complete diagnosis yet. They will to talk with many doctors before settling on the plan. I still have hope. He is young, strong, otherwise healthy and motivated. But their normal life was difficult and harried. This future is going to become unbearable.

I welcome suggestions of ways to help. Since it seems that some form of chemo will be inevitable, I'd like to knit MM a cozy hat. I know many of you are knitters. Can you help me? I need a simple pattern, as I am a beginner. I've never knitted in the round, but hear it's easy. Then I need recommendations for some super soft yarn. Most of the projects I've done use cheapy stuff from the craft store. I want something luxurious.

I am not religious. But I can't help but ask for prayers and good thoughts for my wonderful friends.

************************************************

Thanks for the suggestion to head to TEAM WHY MOMMY. I've actually been to Toddler Planet before, and was planning on heading back for advice. Thanks for the reminder.

All Out of Clever

2008-01-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

Not that I'm a comic genius, but I haven't much to say. I've bandied about a few nice post ideas, but can't seem to get committed. First trimester illness (FTI) has set in and is in full force. I am nauseous all the time, have no appetite, I am tired in the day and can't sleep at night, and my ocular migraines are back.

Okay, was that whining? Opps, sorry.

Obviously I am thrilled at this pregnancy. Terrified of complications, but thrilled nonetheless. But I refuse to fall into that trap that I'm not allowed to be miserable if my body decrees so. And it is. So I am.

Today was actually a bit better. But I guess I'm realizing that with the whole 2 babies thing, that means double whammy of FTI. I know others have had a much worse time, so I really can't be too grumpy. And I could handle it better if it weren't for the headaches and dizziness. I am hoping that with weaning the progesterone that the migraine stuff will abate.

And so, I'm off to attempt to cook something for dinner that will perhaps appeal to my roiling belly. But probably not.

7w6d

2008-01-15T13:07:00.001-08:00

The scan went fine. Two babies, two heart beats. I feel incredibly lucky. Especially after reading about this sad event last night.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm intermittently ecstatic and fearful. This is exactly what I'd hoped for, yet it feels very unreal. I'm overwhelmed of all the things I'll need to accomplish in a few short months.

And so, I'm off to nap instead.

Pre-Scan Jitters

2008-01-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

Facing tomorrow with trepidation. Scan will be in the afternoon. I will be 7w6d.

Its possible that it could be a beautiful moment. My husband will be coming with me. We could see these babies with heartbeats and limb buds and smile at one another. Perhaps I'll shed tears of joy.

Or it could be very different. I hate feeling like the classic IFer full of doom and gloom. In reality, I'm still having nausea, some mild fatigue, and my ocular migraines have returned -- so there really isn't any indication that things have gone wrong. But now I know so many of your stories, and it is hard not to have some fear before this appointment.

We do still excitedly talk of car seats, cribs and such. But I still can't help by adding that typical if this works out or assuming things are fine. Its tiring. I keep telling myself that if we can get to 12 weeks that I will let go of the concerns. I WILL enjoy this experience. Although even if I can achieve that lofty goal, I think our lives will get so crazy with selling the house and moving to LA that I might not have much chance.

Circle

2008-01-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

Growing up I was never the girl with a big circle of friends. I had one or two that I spent time with through childhood. Of course, my parents disapproved of them. In college, there were even fewer. My sister was the one who joined a sorority, lived in a house full of young women, took vacations to the beach with an entire brood. Not me.

Since beginning this blog I've been startled by how easy it has been to connect with women to whom I can relate. And not just because of our shared journey through IF. I have found other women in the sciences, women who love to write, women who yearn for a more balanced life. I have found those who share my hobbies, like photography and knitting. I have found lovely, educated, spiritual (not necessarily religious), grounded, thoughtful and giving women.

This experience has done so much more than give me a support system or community as I travel through IF. It has provided me that circle of women friends that I often yearned for but never found.

Thank you.

Double Your Pleasure

2008-01-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well, after all those borderline doubling betas ... it looks like we will be doubling our fun!

That's right, two sacs, two heartbeats. I'm in shock.

The betas were so lowish, and with the spotting last week -- I really thought there had been a vanishing twin. But it looks like it decided to stick around after all. The measurements for both are 3-4 days behind the 6w5d we are at, but the RE is not concerned. Heart rates were 112 and 117. They want me to return again in one week before stopping the PIO, then I'll be released to an OB (which I don't have).

I am still totally floored. Thrilled, excited and very scared. This means our move to LA will have to totally be re-thought. The logistics and the health insurance issues are scary. I know it will all get worked out, and in the end it will just mean spending more money -- but its a little daunting. I'm trying to push all that aside and just enjoy this moment. This amazing moment.

Resident Boy is in surgery and I haven't been able to talk to him yet. So I can't publish this or call my mom or anyone else until he calls! Aaahh! Okay, got the call, so now I can post. More info to follow soon.

Out, out damn spot

2008-01-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

Still no more spotting. Feeling particularly pukey today and wiped out. Cool huh?

Scan tomorrow afternoon at 6w5d. Hoping for the heartbeat.

I'll let you know.

Gone

2008-01-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

Now its gone again. Its like I'm having little bursts of bleeding at the end of the day, then its is over by morning. The cramping was the scary part and lasted about 2-3 hours. This morning I feel much more nauseous, so I'm figuring the levels are going up.

I thought I'd call the RE today, but I just don't want to. Thanks chicklet, for wanting to get me more tests. And in one way that might make me feel better, but the reality is that until I hit 12 weeks with a heartbeat, I don't think I'll settle down much. I'm just going to try to hold out to u/s on Monday.

Then DH and I fought last night cause he said something typically inappropriate, so of course I returned the favor and we didn't do much to make each other feel better.

Thanks for feeling bad for me. Thanks for not saying too much. Thanks for being there.

Again

2008-01-03T16:20:00.000-08:00

Spotting, again. This time with more reddish-ness and more cramping. I'm worried.

I know this can be normal etc., etc., etc.

I'm trying to remain calm. Hopefully it will be over in the morning like last time. But it's hard to believe this could be a good thing.

More wait and see.

Tease Updated

2008-01-01T05:14:00.000-08:00

It's official -- my body is a tease (bitch). After a quiet dinner where all 3 of us toasted with sparkling cranberry juice, DH and I watched a movie. I was planning on breaking our recent stretch of celibacy since yesterday's news had been so good. It seemed like a nice way to bring in the new year.

Then I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Yup, spotting (bitch). Only rose-brown, very scant, but definitely there. I'd had a little mild tightening/cramping earlier, but that had been going on periodically before. I thought that I would freak out, but I just feel defeated. I know this could be normal. Perhaps just shedding that extra sac-like thing. This really could be nothing.

But I still feel a vague tightness in my pelvis; there is still scant discharge. The worst part is I know this torment will probably go on for days. I will not know how this is going to end for awhile. So that bitch just keeps teasing me.

I'll wait before contacting the RE. No point. Too early for them to be able to tell me anything. I suppose if this goes on, I'll call to repeat the beta in a few days.

When I made my coffee the sun came out and the lawn was covered with fresh snow. Now the clouds have rolled in. It's gray and dim.

*************************UPDATE******************************************

It is still gray and cold and snowing. But the spotting seems to have stopped. Phew. Whether it was a remnant sac or old implantational blood, I don't care. So long as it doesn't come back. Thanks for all the encouragement and communal worrying.

And Lori, the movie was excellent. Of course, we love this series and have seen them all multiple times. I recommend a marathon, especially if you haven't seen the early ones in awhile. (plus we know one of the stuntmen who works these films, and we love to watch and try and guess what parts he might have done)

Wishing a Happier New Year to ALL

2007-12-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

I started this year with a D&C for blighted ovum. I'm ending the year pregnant. But I still worry that next year will start the same. Despite the fact that everything seems to be going fine.

My u/s this morning showed one definite gestational sac in my uterus, and maybe a little something else. Dr. Mumbles would not elaborate any further, and I decided not to ask. I certainly don't thing he anticipates twins in our future. When I pushed him to comment on my progress, he said things looked alright, but we were NOT out of the woods yet. I can't tell if he is just being cautious with my feelings, or whether he is concerned about my slightly slow progress. Today I am 5w5d (or 5w6d depending if you include ER day) -- and we were just finally able to see the sac. It wasn't clear to me if he could see the yolk sac, and the gestational sac looked a little small to me, but he said it was fine. It turns out my beta today was 4100, which doubled in 48hrs from 1950 on Saturday. So this is good, since things can slow down after you reach 2000.

So basically, everything looks fine. My numbers fall in the acceptable ranges, we saw the sac easily once we were over 2000. Yet I just can't get excited, not yet. I do have moments -- I'll think about "when the baby comes," but then I smack myself and yell "FOOL!" I hate that I've become this. I want the next 1-2 weeks to speed by. I want to see that heartbeat. I want to breathe and be relieved. But I worry that I'll find something else to worry about.

At the close of this year, I want to say thank you. To everyone who has welcomed and supported me these last months. I didn't expect that blogging would become such an essential part of my day (it has in fact been a bit addictive). I certainly didn't expect to find so many amazing women who I admire and respect and feel that I've come to know. I hope to meet some of you in the future, and I look forward to having you along with me for this journey. No matter how long it lasts.

Maybe

2007-12-29T11:08:00.000-08:00

I feel like a tease. My beta today was deemed "acceptable." It was 1950, and based on the original 100 at 15 dpo the RE says it should be about 2000 today, 24 dpo. So maybe I'm still in the game. I'm having trouble believing it, which certainly is driving the DH bonkers.

Dr. Mumbles isn't really sure why that number from PA was so out of whack, but he says things look okay. However, during the u/s he could not be certain he saw the gestational sac. This naturally worries me too. I'm 5w4d, so we are right on the cusp of seeing it and the fetal pole. He says its still early. But I'm sensing he was a little disappointed not to see it, especially after the beta was so close to 2000. At the beginning of the u/s we all thought there was possibly something maybe 1-2 mm in the uterus. But when he went back later, he couldn't seem to find it again. So, its back again on Monday for another u/s and probably beta.

I'm trying to believe this will work out. I have had 4-5 nasty pimples breakout in the last 48hrs. And my boobs are finally a bit swollen and tender, although the severity varies through the day. That is SO different from my pregnancy with The Snake. Then my bo.obs got big and hard (oh g-d, who will goog.le bring for that one?) and stayed that way. I know every time is different etc. But its hard not to compare.

Alright, my mission is to NOT obsess. Think I'll succeed? ha, ha, ha, ha

Not So Doublicious

2007-12-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

Breezed through the holidays dreaming of a new future.

Went for follow up beta here in PA. Future looks very different. Beta is not at an appropriate level. Based on the 260 from Saturday, I'd hoped to be over a 1000 by Wednesday. I was only at 600. The RE had hoped I'd be at 800 at least. He himmed and hawed about labs and varying calibrations and not to get too concerned just yet. But his voice gave him away. He was concerned. I go back home tomorrow. Then repeat beta and u/s on Saturday. I'm seeing another D&C in the new year for me, again.

I don't know if I can do this. DH, of course, refuses to admit this could be bad, that this pregnancy might be over. He's all for the lab error explanation. But I just don't have the strength to have any hope whatsoever. Today I'm very angry. I've lost my cool a bunch of times with The Snake already. I have spent the last 5 years with no control over my life. Not where I live, not what I do, not what my kid does, not when my husband is around, not where I'll live in the future, and not what happens to my own body. If this happens again, I think I might just lose control of my mind. (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, just emotional)

So now I have to get through today. Spend 7 hours in a car tomorrow driving and obsessing. Then I'll have to wait another 12-16 hours to know anything about how this is going to end.

Double Time

2007-12-22T14:04:00.000-08:00

Got the call -- second beta 260. Doubling time about 35 hours. RE seemed happy. Still rechecking on Wed 25th, just in order to schedule u/s, which will probably be next Saturday.

I am so relieved. I can't believe this might actually happen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone -- especially those who told me to keep the faith and hang in there when I was silly crazy. You all have been most wonderful.

And I'm thinking of all my cyclesistas. I wish we were all in the same boat. Hang in there ladies. A new year is on the way.

More later, but I've got to run. The Snake is getting into trouble after 7 hours in a car. Oh, we arrive safely in PA!

Gracias

2007-12-21T05:36:00.000-08:00

Thank you ladies for all the reassurance and advice. I guess I should clarify why I was worried though. Although my nurse said that they like the beta to be over 100, and my clinic checks 14 days post-TRANSFER, most clinics and data available from evil dr googl.e say that the beta should be about 100 at 14 dpo. At the time of my beta I was 15 days post-retrieval.

I know, I know -- its only 24 hours and that I was probably well over 50 or more at 14 dpo. Especially since I couldn't even get a positive hpt at 13 dpo, I'm hoping the levels are rising quickly. Its just that nasty blighted ovum issue was last year at this exact time. And I'm just dreading a repeat event.

I want to move to LA next year and spend that year raising my child. Taking walks everyday in the sunshine and visiting fun shops and just enjoying that year. If this doesn't work out, I just don't know that I'm going to enjoy that year very much.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative. I know that I am lucky to even have a chance of things working out. I guess after so many years of trying and failing, its hard to believe there could possibly be a different outcome. I keep reminding myself -- we deserve this (you all do). Its just hard to remember.

Oh if only my boobs were sore! (wonder who google will bring over for that one?)

Beta In

2007-12-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

The nurse just called -- beta is 101. They like to see it over 100, but I am a day earlier than originally planned. But, they are already planning for the third beta, anticipating that Saturday's might be so-so. I can't blame them, last year I had the blighted ovum with slowly rising betas. They also want to be sure it is not ectopic or anything -- but somehow I feel pretty certain that's not going to be an issue.

I still have virtually no symptoms, just some mild cramping the last 2 days, and some evening fatigue. Maybe a little bit increased boobs this am, but mild to say the least. It's freaking me out a little.

Now I'm having anxiety as to whether I should head to Pennsylvania on Saturday. I'll probably get my results while I'm driving there, which might be a bad thing. If the numbers aren't good, then I have to have a blood draw on Wednesday, which I can do in PA and have faxed to them. But, of course, it will probably cost me out of pocket. So I don't know if this holiday is going to be much fun. I'm really worried that if the numbers don't double, I'll be alone without DH. But I have to go, The Snake is SO looking forward to Christmas at his grandmother's house. I could delay a day and leave Sunday, but I hate letting IF run my life again. I'll have to think about it. What would you do?

I know its early, and everything may just turn out fine. And I want that more than anything. So I'm petrified that I'm just not going to get it.

Its Always Darkest ...

2007-12-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

just before the dawn.

No suspense here, took the FRER this am -- TWO LINES. (no pics, camera broke)

Sorry to have been the whirling dervish of emotions the last few days. You have my sincere apologies for the craziness and compulsive pee-stick issues. But I was amazed how well so many of you seem to know me. Or perhaps this IF/loss experience gives us all similar perspectives on some things. I don't know, but I am so grateful to have joined this community and had all of you to sit with me through this experience. And I hope you will stick around a bit, since we are certainly not out of the woods yet.

I'm going to call the RE office to see if I can get my beta little early so I can visit my family as planned. I'm guessing if the betas are okay, then there will be an u/s sometime around new year's.

I'm hoping this is just the first of much good news for everyone. I know I am very lucky to have gotten this far and I am most grateful. I'm hoping there is success and peace for all my friends in this community soon this new year.

Ironically, this is my 100th post.

Fading ... Updated

2007-12-18T05:46:00.000-08:00

My hope is fading. I know, I know -- its early. Sort of. But not so much. Today is 10dp3dt, or 13 dpo. Unless one of these guys is a SUPER late implanter, I think I'm probably out of this game. Dollar store test NEG this morning.

I know all the things you are going to say (its too early, dollar store tests suck, its okay that you don't have symptoms, its too early). And I love you for it. And yesterday your comments buoyed me up. But today I'm having trouble believing. I feel like Virginia who has given up on Santa Claus.

I have one FRER test left. I'm saving it for Thursday (I think). Beta is scheduled for Friday. I'm planning on leaving town on Saturday. I considered staying an extra day to cry in my coffee and be with DH, but it turns out he is on-call anyway and will likely be stuck in surgery much of the day. So why bother, I may as well drive 7 hours to my parents. But I feel bad that we will be grieving separately. I think he really had a lot of hope pinned on this one, and he actually showed it this time. It breaks my heart I can't seem to give this to him.

So many thoughts are going through my head about my life. Was it a mistake to give up my career and stay home? Was it a mistake to bankrupt us in pursuing this? Do I even know who I am anymore? What are we going to do from here? When did I get so old?

Anyway, I'll let you know if I suddenly turn into the miracle story. I know, it could happen. I'm just not counting on it.

UPDATE
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I was so touched by your careful and thoughtful comments. Ones that showed you understand exactly where I am. And you all knew just the right things to say. And that is the best type of medicine. Perhaps it might even shove open the door a bit, and allow a tiny glimmer of hope in. Maybe. I'm so glad I'm not going through this alone -- you mean a lot to me.

9dp3dt, 12dpo -- Where I Come Clean

2007-12-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

It's shameful really. I have been unable to resist the pee monsters. When I learned that you might get a positive with an OPK, I dug out a bunch of old ones in my closet and went to town. Of course, they weren't very helpful. Turns out most of them were expired, and I didn't get anything notable. So then on Friday I hit the dollar store. Couldn't hold back any longer. It was only 6dp3dt, but I did it anyway. Negative. Being the positive, cup-half-full girl that I am (NOT), I figured at least I knew trigger shot was gone. I indulged again yesterday, negative.

I know that it is still early, and things could change in just a day. But this is so hard. And the DH is getting tired of hearing me be so negative. I understand, he's the positive guy. And nothing he says can change my pessimism, so he's tired of trying. I just can't seem to muster any hope that this is going to be different this time. And this is the last time. I have no symptoms, and my previously perky breasteses are now back to normal. I try to remember that it took several days WITH symptoms before I got a positive HPT with The Snake -- so maybe I tend to be slow to make hCG. But its hard to hang my hat on that.

Okay, sorry for the pity party. Just feeling a bit unhinged. I'd like to try and hold out until 11dp3dt (14dpo) before testing again -- but I think the monsters might get me tomorrow.

The Gardens

2007-12-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

So last week I went to the local Botanical Gardens to see the holiday display, which included a garden railway for the kids. We had a nice time and I shot an entire roll of film. Oddly, there are no pictures of the holiday display. Rather I took many of the new sculpture displays. Perhaps some part of me has completely given up Christmas?

Where I'm From

2007-12-14T06:22:00.000-08:00

I promised some literary diversions, so here goes. I found this idea on Flicka's blog vacantuterus. She did a lovely job, and even recruited her dad to participate. If you'd like to give it a try, visit here for a template. I'm hoping my mom will share her version too.

WHERE I'M FROM

I am from cheese and bologna sandwiches, from Hershey Kisses, and 4 gallons of white milk.

I am from the twin house with the musty dictionary always ready in the coat closet, and afghans on the couch. From the black pickup with its own sweet smells. From homework at the kitchen table, and cousins down the street.

I am from the matching flowers in Mrs. Jefferis front yard, and the worn path around the well-house field. From the patient dog and the vegetable garden in my uncle’s back yard.

I am from watches on 21st birthdays, from Dinty Moore Beef Stew and all the furniture painted brown.

I am from the quick-tongued and the quickly pensive or forlorn. From the raucous and the do-whatever-you-need.

From sit still, and stop fighting, and clean your room. From quit reading that book and go outside. From put dinner on at 4:30, and pick up some bread.

I am from incense, candles, stained glass, kneeling and small bells. From processions to the same alter, and celebrations at the same fire hall.

I'm from verdant green hills, mists, and crumbling castles. From poets and minstrels. From pointless bloodshed. From potatoes and ham with boiled cabbage.

From one of the county hospital’s first graduating nurses who met her love at work, and the haberdasher’s widow who reared a strong brood of eight.

I am from the china cabinet that smells of wood shavings and Old English. From the brown leather album with crumbling black pages and white photo corners and tiny greeting cards tumbling out. From the boxes of slides and the collections of poses in the front yard or on the staircase. From the jewelry box with the symbols of their affection for over 50 years.

I'd love to learn about where you are from ...

Snowy Day

2007-12-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

Like many here on the east coast-ish region, we are getting a full day of snow. Likely will be 4-6 inches, at least. The Snake is in heaven. Although school was NOT canceled, so I'm in heaven.

I found this site (on a parenting blog called Rocks in my Dryer) and thought it was so much fun. So for our friends without snow, you can still make your own. Let it load and then click on "create your own snowflake." Go on, try it. You'll like it.

Do you like the snow? Or do you dread it? Are you truly disappointed if it isn't a white Christmas?

4dp3dt

2007-12-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

The sun is shinning today, literally. So I feel a little brighter. Not quite hopeful yet, but not so scattered and anxious. Thank you so much to all of you who offered kind words and alcohol. You're the best and know me so well! I've had a deep craving for serious amounts of mind altering chemicals, but alas, they will have to wait. And I love how many different people have stopped by to offer encouragement. And even more I love those of you who stop every time and remind me you are waiting with me. It means a lot. (of course, this is by no means blackmail to keep you around. oh wait, maybe it is.)

I'm trying hard not to go to the dollar store. That's right, no stash of pee sticks in this house. One solitary 5-day early test. Too costly to blow at this early stage. I've been dying to go to the dollar store every day when The Snake is at school. Luckily, today I'm the helping mom in the classroom, so that should keep me away. Cause I know as soon as I buy any, I will not be able to hold back. I'm going to try to wait until 7dp3dt (10dp0), which will also be 12 days after trigger. Puts us at Saturday. Of course, we all know about best laid plans.

I'll try to post about something besides the tortous wait soon. I found all these writing ideas on others blogs that I swore I'd try during the TWW, so maybe I'll tackle one of those tonight.

This Moment

2007-12-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

The child is occupied. Everyone is fed. The kitchen is clean. The rug has been vacuumed. The laundry is done (mostly). The sheets are even fresh.

I am jumping out of my skin. Like a detoxing addict I feel creepy crawlies all over me. Like if someone spoke to me I will explode (or maybe implode) in milliseconds. Like I may alternately scream and then sob.

Yet I sit here. Quietly. Waiting. Again.

In the Beginning ...

2007-12-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

there was anxiety. I don't know why. In previous treatment cycles the first week wasn't so hard. I know its too early to test or feel any different. Yet there are moments where I just feel my heart race and my mind race and there is no peace.

Dr. Mumbles called today, no embryos made it to freezing. We knew this was likely to be the case. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I had a little secret hope that just maybe ...

It doesn't help that the weather here is rotten. Not as cold, but gray, gray, gray. And now bitter cold rain. This time of year I almost wish I was working. Then I'd probably be in a building with few windows, lots of bright fluorescent lights and activity. It harder to get SAD in that environment.

I'm trying to stay busy, but so many of my holiday chores are unappealing. And much of it is baking to take to my family for Christmas, so its too early to start much of it. My shopping is done. I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV or on the internets. And counting the days until maybe I can test.

This was our last try. For at least one and a half years, at which point I'm not likely to do very well. I'm so much more hopeful than other treatment cycles, since things mostly went well. But worry is creeping in. How will I handle it if this fails? I will know literally a day or two before I leave to celebrate the holidays with my parents -- and without my husband. Can I handle that if the result is negative?

I think today I'm stuck on the negatives. Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.

Sunday Worship

2007-12-09T06:14:00.001-08:00

This is where I'd like to spend my Sunday morning. With quiet sunshine and bubbling fountains.

Makeover

2007-12-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, with an entire day of bed rest and nothing to do ... I've changed my look. The look of my blog silly! If you're reading in a RSS feed, click over and check me out. Come on, you know you want to.

I hope you like it. I'm sure there will be more tweaking but its more of what I wanted. My special thanks to Niobe, for some of the inspiration. I hope you don't mind some of the similarities, I really love the white box for the body of the post. I'm hoping to share some more photos now that I have a little more neutral, earthy background.

So now that I've learned a little about fiddling with HTML code, now I need to master my iPhoto program. I can do some editing, but I really don't quite get the organizational aspects. I need to do the tutorial, but -- boring! I wish I could afford the fancy digital camera I want, along with Photshop. Aaah, that would be heaven.

Three, Its a Magic Number

2007-12-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Moving on to happier things ...

Of the six that fertilized (which, by the way, needed NO ICSI, which they hadn't told me before. Yeah a $500+ savings!) --

one went no where
two at 5-cell
one 6-cell
two 8-cell, one graded EXCELLENT, and one very good

So, Dr. Mumbles recommended transferring the 2 8-cells and felt it wouldn't be a bad idea to throw in the 6-cell too. He said that if it turns out to be triplets, he promises to help babysit. Really he thought that our risk of that was extremely low. And he is not terribly hopeful that the 5-cell ones will make it to freezing, and probably not the 6-cell either. So we opted to put it back rather than likely having to discard it.

We had talked the night before that we would be okay with putting back 3 if Dr. Mumbles recommended it. He is pretty conservative. But driving home DH and I were starting to feel a little nervous. I think since we now know of some people who got big surprises despite poor quality embryos, that gave us pause. But realistically, my success in the past has been pretty poor, so it seems unlikely. We would be fine with multiples, and my first pregnancy went very well, so hopefully my body could handle things. But our big concern is more the timing. When this cycle is successful (did you notice the when, not if?), I would be due about 2 months after our big move to LA. But if it is multiples and they come early, we could be in the midst of the move. And we also have to go one month without employer supplied health insurance. So COBRAing with a high-risk pregnancy and not being sure what state I'll be in at the time is a little concerning. But obviously, this is getting ahead of ourselves.

Thank you to all my FRIENDS who have supported me and held my hand through this cycle. It means more than you know. And thanks to all those who have stopped over from cyclesista or other's blogs to cheer me on too, I really appreciate it. Now I'll be counting on all you ladies to keep me busy during this awful 2ww. HUGs to all my cyclesistas for happy outcomes. I think its time for another wave of BFP in the blogosphere.

Deep Breathing -- warning, long post

2007-12-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

So I am trying really hard to settle down and lower by blood pressure and just chill before the big transfer day tomorrow morning. Somehow the cosmos came together tonight to make me crazy.

First, I HURT. I know I had more than 7 decent size follicles, so I'm sure they hit me with that big ole needles more than 7 times. And today I'm really feelin' it. Especially on the left side. It just really aches and I get stabbing pains when I get up and down from sitting. I also have gassy, bloaty feelings like my insides are generally not happy. To top it off, out of tyle.nol.

Second, The Snake comes out of school looking miserable. It seems the brief, yet deep and rattling, cough he had yesterday has become full on illness. We tried to hit the library and he keep asking to sit down -- totally NOT normal. Then we progressed further downhill with crankiness until bedtime.

Third, my DH has my valium script and still hasn't filled it yet. He wants to drop it off on the way home from the hospital tonight and pick it up in the morning before our appointment (uh, NO). Oh, and did I mention that he is still not home yet?

Last, I think it was a strange conversation with my sister that really set me off. She called to ask a holiday gift question. She asked how I am, so I said good, really good. She asks if it is close the the big day. So, of course I inform her that the day has come and gone and went very well. Just waiting for more big news tomorrow.

Talking with her about my IF is so hard. She never says those awful, insensitive things that some of you have been subjected to, but yet she doesn't really say anything. I think that is the tough thing. I have no idea her perspective. She has become a very faithful Catholic, and into new-agey books like The Secret and ones about positive thinking. And often my cynical, clinical, scientific perspective puts us at odds. But she is my only sister. And she had no idea what was going on with me at one of the most momentous times in my life.

The irony is that in my 20s I had considered whether I would be willing to be an egg donor or surrogate for her. I know Square Peg recently wrote about a similar event in her life (Mel mentioned it in the Friday Round-up). Growing up, I was the one with the buxom figure, the child-bearing hips. My sister was thin, waif-like and much older than me. I always figured I would be the fertile one. She also was a strong, independent young woman -- a role model I was proud to have. But she had poor luck in love and it looked like she'd be starting her dream of children later in life. When I saw IF stories in the media, I would often think of her and ponder donation. I definitely believed that I would want to make that gift to her. The even greater irony is that she found herself pregnant immediately after marriage, and her second child followed less than 2 years later. Turns out, she was the fertile one.

And now, I feel so little support from her. In my deepest moments of sadness, she was certainly there and kind. But she shows no interest in that aspect of my life. Whenever we talk about it, she is often quiet, verging on silent. I don't know if she has religious opposition to IVF. If she thinks our differing perspectives makes the conversation too difficult. If it is a reflection of her desire for more children (her hubby said no-go to more).

At this time of holidays and family and joy, it makes me sad we are not really connected. I think this is one reason I've been so desperate to give J a sibling. Hoping he will have that connection that I don't seem to have with any of my 5 siblings.

Sorry for such a downer post. I feel better having shared. I'm going to eat brownies and watch crappy TV and chill until tomorrow. I have not heard anything since the fertilization report, so I'm hoping all is good for the morning! Looking forward to that valium!

Ready?

2007-12-06T10:02:00.001-08:00

Ok, ready? Are you sitting down (probably right)?

SIX out of seven fertilized.

Dr. Mumbles said he is very pleased and overall he felt my cycle went very well. Of course he pulled a CYA by saying "I don't want to get you too pumped up. We have a few more stages to get through." But then he said again that he was very happy with everything!

Transfer on Saturday where they'll pick the best. I have a feeling that if they look pretty good he will push to only transfer two. Dr. Mumbles is fairly conservative. I am not quite 36, so I'm not particularly eager to push for three, unless the quality is seriously poor. Of course, we all know that doesn't always correlate, right Mary Ellen?

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken a moment to leave words of encouragement. It really means a lot to hear all of you cheering me on. Be sure to support ALL my Cyclesistas -- Becks (my long lost twin across the pond), Chicklet, SingleTracey, Carrie at Precious Little, and M at My Sanctuary. I'm wishing all you ladies the very best of luck and a quick 2ww!

Lucky Number Seven

2007-12-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

So the yield was SEVEN. Of course, being greedy I was hoping for 8-10. But Dr. Mumbles said they looked very good, so I'll just have to be satisfied, right?

Now the nail-biting wait 'til the morning for the fertilization report. Transfer likely to be Saturday (they generally do 3 day transfer). Maybe we will luck out with a high fert rate and actually get something to freeze. Maybe.

Today I will rest, mostly. But I promised to go to The Snake's preschool and talk about Hanukkah. Funny, huh, since I was raised Catholic? Resident Boy is the official Jew in our home. But as usual, the culture-religious training falls to the woman. *sigh*

Cross your fingers that I don't put my foot in it!

Happy Chanukkah

2007-12-04T15:44:00.001-08:00

To all our Jewish mishpucheh out there, we wish you a healthy, safe, and blessed holiday.

The Snake was so excited tonight I thought we might have to peel him off the ceiling. Resident Boy made it home well before sunset, which was very nice. The Snake got the candles ready and we said the blessings. Then, of course, came the gift opening. It was so funny, The Snake changed his mind about every 10 seconds as to which package he wanted to open tonight. Then he had to open ours for us too.

It was a pleasant night.

Blog You Very Much

2007-12-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to JJ for this wonderful BYVM concept. I'm so happy to say thanks to those who inspired me and helped give me the courage to start blogging.

It is tough to pinpoint one single story that set me off into the blogosphere, but like so many stories, mine starts with Melissa at Stirrup Queens. I'm not certain how I got to her page, but it set me off reading lots of infertility stories, and I suddenly didn't feel so isolated. Of those first blogs, there were two that I really identified with. These two women felt like kindred spirits. They were intelligent (as all you ladies are), sensitive, kind and witty -- along with a fun dose of silly. As I wrote my fledgling posts, they supported me with such enthusiasm and love -- in fact, they commented on nearly all my posts that first month -- so, I was addicted.

Thank you Sticky Bun for being your sweet and thoughtful self. You were the first blogger to really reach out to me. You were the first to email me personally and share even more deeply about your experience. It meant so much to me and I am so thrilled that things are soon to get really exciting in your life!

Thank you Leah at Tales From My Dusty Ovaries (although I coveted your title and since I couldn't steal it, thus my lame title). You were the first blogger I could share my experiences of secondary infertility and find someone who totally got it. You lightened my day with humor and fellowship (especially how we both like to refer to our ovaries as dusty, crusty, etc.). And you cheered me on not to give up hope. Your experience has given me the strength to try again with sincere hope and optimism.

There are lots of other ladies whose writing, wit and support have meant a lot. Thank you all for being honest, open and willing to embrace others in this difficult part of life.

Lift Off Scheduled

2007-12-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Retrieval set for Wednesday. Holy crap. No 12 or 14 day stim. No cancellation. Holy crap.

I don't know what else to say.

Holy Follicles Batman!

2007-12-02T07:17:00.001-08:00

Well ... scan this morning was pretty good. Had at least 6-8 on the left, and probably 5-7 on the right. He really couldn't measure all the ones on the left cause they were all cluster and smooshed up against each other. All measuring around the 16 mm mark. Dr. Smooth was actually positive and almost enthusastic!

I was so worried that I would stall with the decrease in meds. I still need to get the E2 to be sure that hasn't happened, but things look good. Dr. Smooth figures trigger Mon or Tues and then ER on Wed or Thurs. This is really going to happen. And we may get a decent number of eggs. Wow.

I'm really getting excited. But trying to remember that lots of eggs doesn't necessarily equal a positive beta. But it gives me more hope.

I know some of my cyclesistas have had a little rougher time this go-round. I'm thinking of you girls and hoping things get better. I've been there, and it sucks. Hugs to you.

Still Keepin' On

2007-11-30T12:46:00.000-08:00

I hate that I'm not really writing about anything but my cycle, but I'm low on time. Resident Boy is on vacation and we are trying to get ready for the holidays. So I've only had a little time for blogging. Sorry!

Today's scan was pretty good. Although Dr. Smooth almost walked in on me standing in the middle of the exam room sans clothes from the waist down. When I said "just a minute," he wasn't really listening and started to come in! I had to say again, with a bit of irritation, "just a minute," and he got the message. He felt really bad. I didn't really care that much, just about everyone in the office has seen my hooha -- although I guess the receptionist has been spared.

There were quite a few follicles, at least 8-10 around the same size. To me they looked around the 12-14 mm mark, but as usual he didn't say. And today I didn't ask. Trying the less is more approach. But E2 did more than double (up to 1600ish from that 660ish) -- so they actually backed down my meds a bit. I asked him whether he thought we would make it to trigger. He hedged of course. With how my last cycle went, I don't totally blame him -- I could crap out at anytime. But I'm thinking if we can get pretty close by day 12 of stims, that we will be okay.

On a deep level there is a tiny glimmer of something making me think this cycle is different. Whether its the dhea or the new protocol, I don't know. But last night I started actually thinking about how we could come up with dough for putting some in the freezer. And even how we'd do an FET to try for a third child later. How crazy am I? Of course, I promptly did a 180 and worried what I would do when this cycle was canceled. Ain't cycling fun?

Now I'm a REAL IFer

2007-11-29T06:26:00.000-08:00

It's official, I am finally a full-fledged IFer. Last night, I did my shot in a public restroom stall.

Today feeling pretty bloated and a bit uncomfortable. Which makes me HAPPY. I'm really hoping things are clipping along and we can trigger early next week. Otherwise things with the holidays could get really wonky. Obviously, its most important that the eggs are happy and healthy, and I'll deal with whatever schedule changes will make that happen. But I would love to have things done so I can finish my 2ww before x-mas.

I'm dying to do the Blog You Very Much post, but want to really dedicate the proper time to it and do a great job. So, watch for it, and I'll work on it! Thanks JJ, for a great idea!

Slow, slow, slow, but steady UPDATED

2007-11-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

Scan this morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. There were lots of follicles (more than 9 I think), but they were all pretty small. I had Dr. Smooth today, in fact he is the IVF guy until Dec. And he often doesn't say much. To me the follicles looked around 5-7 mm, which isn't bad, but not great for day 5 at a pretty high dose of Gonal-f. I'm a little nervous. With that dreadful failed cycle, the big problem was I needed max meds for a really long time, too long. And with this slow start, I'm worried we will again get to day 10 or 12 and not be ready for trigger.

I told him about my spotting too, which was still happening yesterday. He was surprised (duh, so was I) cause my E2 is high enough to keep that from happening. But my lining looked fine. He said if it continues, they need to know because "that is not a good sign," but I didn't have any this morning -- so hopefully that issue is over.

Of course I was googling first thing after my appointment. One study said E2>350 on day 4 is a good prognostic indicator. And my E2 on day 3 was 229, so I'm hoping I'm close to that mark. At least that's what I'm holding on to until I get my levels and instructions today.

Dr. Smooth is nice, but I can't wait for Dr. Mumbles to take charge.

UPDATE
E2 =662, so it did double, as required. Largest follicle was 10 mm on each size. But I suspect in general, most were smaller, probably about 7s. They did not increase my meds. I think this is a good sign, but since we only have 75 IU of play until we are at max, I'm not sure if they are just trying to save it for the end. Recheck on Friday. I'm trying to believe that we are going to make it in under the wire before the stim winds up being too long, but I can't say I'm not still worried. Going out tonight for Resident Boy's department happy hour thing, and need to get ready for SIL visit this weekend. So I'll hopefully be busy and Friday will come quickly.

THANKS to all you who have been cheering me on!

For Lori

2007-11-26T18:08:00.000-08:00

Well, Lori ... it took exactly 7 days for this to become this. Although we did need to teach him the last part of the lyrics. Ah, young boys and holiday songs. What could be more fun.

Pheww!

2007-11-26T12:26:00.000-08:00

Thanks for hanging with me. To top things off they didn't call until almost 3 pm. But the waiting room was packed this morning so I guess there was a lot of Monday appointments. Of course I worked myself into a panic that my results were so bad that they had to consult all the doctors to figure out what to do with my crusty old ovaries.

Turns out E2 was 229. Thank G-d. A perfectly nice number. In my failed cycle I barely got over 100 by day 5, so things are definitely better. Aaahhh.

Now I have faith that we may actually make it to retrieval. They didn't even increase my meds. So, moving forward and repeat E2 PLUS ultrasound on Wednesday.

First E2 for IVF #3 Today

2007-11-26T08:35:00.000-08:00

Aaaahhh. I'm a nervous wreck. My left eyebrow has been twitching since my blood draw. I was feeling pretty positive all weekend during my shots, but now I'm doubting everything. The lupron has been giving me mild headaches, but otherwise no major side effects of any drugs. But this morning I started spotting again. This happened about 5 days into my stim cycle last time because my E2 was still really low. Now its happening again, so I am really concerned that nothing is happening. WHY did it have to happen? Especially this morning. Couldn't I have gotten my results first?!

Resident Boy is on vacation this week, so that is nice. But he can only be so helpful with this meltdown. He tells me to pretend I don't know anything and not to think about it -- yeah, right. The call should come by about 2pm, when I think they will tell me its low and up my dose to the max. This would not be a good thing. I have a feeling we are not making it to retrieval.

I know I need to be positive, but for the next couple hours I don't think its possible. I'll let you know.

Liar, Liar

2007-11-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Do you think Santa can be a liar? Come on, do you really think that bully in 5th grade really deserved that new bike?

We saw this movie today in an old renovated theater for a dollar. The Snake's big impression was that Santa is NOT a liar. Santa does not lie.

I assured him this was correct. Santa would not lie. But yet I wonder?

Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Good to Go

2007-11-21T07:48:00.000-08:00

Baseline yesterday was fine. Antral count at 9. Not exactly stellar, but it will have to do. My last failed crappy cycle had only 7, and the time before that was only 11. So I guess we are falling somewhere in the middle. Hopefully the dhea has made those 9 spectacular!

Start microdose lupron tomorrow and stims on Saturday. First E2 on Monday. Here's hoping!

The Holidays are Coming

2007-11-19T17:26:00.001-08:00

Today I discovered my son is learning a variety of traditional holiday songs for his school concert. We cuddled together and sang Jingle Bells and Over the River and Through the Woods (complete with hand gestures). It was a precious moment.

Then a bit later as I'm making dinner in the kitchen I hear in our distant playroom:

Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Jingle all the way
Jingle Poop
Jingle Poop
Poopy in your eye

Aren't 4-year-old boys sweet?

Anxiety Setting In

2007-11-19T12:40:00.001-08:00

It is probably just the my withdrawal from the BCPs, but today I feel worried. I know its just because baseline it tomorrow. This weekend I felt more positive than I have in a long time. But today the worry is winning. I actually had those brief bursts of hormonal moments where I thought I'd burst into tears for no reason. Fun, huh?

My clinic doesn't generally tell you much about your antral follicle count, in fact they have never told me. But I think I need to ask and compare to previous cycles. To help the hope rebound. Although I know its not so much how many I start with, as much as how they respond.

I'm nervous for the lupron too. I've never done a down regulation before. While this is only microdose, I'm still worried about what it will do to my emotional state. Here's hoping I'm not a raving lunatic for Turkey Day.

I know things will be fine. I just know I'll be better once I get that first E2, next Monday. I feel like The Snake when he's waiting for something: A week, but that's soooo long! I can't wait that looong!

The End? Or the Beginning?

2007-11-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

Oh G-D, I hope so.

Today I took my last BCP. Now back in June I thought I took my last BCP ever. And I was wrong. So I won't say ever. But it is my last BCP for an ART cycle in a long time. After this cycle, we will be financially out of the game for at least 1-2 years.

While in many ways I am looking forward to being done with treatments, I know that I won't be able to completely leave the mentality that goes along with TTC. With an undiagnosed diagnosis, its hard to ever completely give up hope on that miracle conception.

This time around we will be doing an entirely new protocol -- microdose lupron. Plus, I've been on DHEA for 3-4 months. I also have more Gonal-F that I can use this cycle than in the past. My RE doesn't have strong feelings about exactly which gonadotropins patients use, but with that horrible canceled cycle last summer, I used Follistim. Previously I'd only used Gonal-F with the Menopur with decent results. So I'm hoping that maybe my body prefers it, and I have enough (thanks to my dr and my friends) to use it more regularly throughout the stim.

So I'm working really hard to believe that this time will be different. I'm feeling pretty good and (after a few trying days with The Snake) things seem to be on the upswing. I feel happy sometimes (even horny sometimes, ssshhh). And Resident Boy will be on vacation during most of our stims. Of course it would have been better if he was off during ER and ET, but he requested the vacation awhile ago. So I'm looking forward to spending time together, and as for our procedures -- we will work it out. Luckily I can go to most of my scans without The Snake. So I will be less stressed, and hopefully not piss off anyone in the waiting area by being there with my kid in tow (I'm not mad, I really do understand).

Tuesday will be Baseline, start Lupron on Turkey day, Begin stims next Saturday. Hopefully make it to ER by Chanukkah (week of Dec 3).

I would love for it to be The End. And the Beginning of Something Wonderful.

Single White Female

2007-11-15T16:39:00.001-08:00

Wanted: Older man for romps in the yard, followed by hours of snuggling.

About me: Four-year-old single gal. Likes -- crumbs on the floor, sneaking little boy's leftovers off the table, "secretly" sleeping in the people's bed, barking at the mail person or delivery person or kids walking to school. Dislikes -- the squirrels in my yard, the rabbits in my yard, when my tennis ball goes under the fence.

Looking for a serious relationship, although never been in long-term relationship. Battling a few abandonment issues (I knew my beagle mom, but my dad ditched her before I was born) -- so a man who is ready for a commitment is a must. Willing to consider a long distance romance.

So Gus, if this sounds like something you'd be interested in, drop me a line. Or if some other charming guys stumbles across this profile -- well, drop me a line.

Many, Many Thanks

2007-11-15T06:26:00.000-08:00

Today I received a wonderful gift from a fellow blogger. A FedX package arrived containing some valuable items to help me get through this next cycle. I know it is often said, but can't be repeated enough -- this is a wonderful community. When I started blogging, I never expected to get so much from people I had never met. An encouraging word or a commiserating (virtual) smile I expected. But not such generous offers of help. You all have stepped up, offering your extras, your help and advice with our move, so much.

Today I thank you all. And somehow I think with this new support, this cycle may be different. Perhaps this was the therapy I needed.

It's a Conspiracy

2007-11-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

Like so many endeavors, one must ask -- will it require talent, or simple skill and diligence? If provided the time and appropriate tools, can I create a masterpiece? A work of beauty?

Well, apparently not. And I blame Mich@els, and JoAnn's, and AC More -- all of them! They woo you with pretty craft examples, and easy how-to books. Make it seem like you are just one class away from professional results. That's right, with the right equipment you can be so amazing that you will sell out at the craft fair in a matter of minutes!

Humphh.

Today I worked on making holiday cards. I'm a bit of a rubber stamp fan (I wouldn't quite say "enthusiast"). I've done this in the past with some simple but pleasing results. Well, last spring I bought a lovely book with my 40% off coupon. I had secret dreams of becoming one of those women in Country Living or Better Homes and Gardens who made their hobby a thriving home business. You know, where you can work in your pajamas and walk the dog and wipe the kids' chins -- all while generating thousands of dollars in revenue. Well, it's dawning on me that I am no design diva in hiding. And despite all my aspirations for beautiful cards, it all fell just a bit flat. I even abandoned the project briefly to get MORE supplies that I thought would help, with no substantial change in results. And even THEN, I couldn't help but wonder if I only had that fancy embossing powder, or that expensive cutting instrument ...

I'm telling you -- It's a Conspiracy!

Unexpected Attachments

2007-11-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

Below find the post by our mystery blogger. Please make a guess in the comments section. Then you see this sites normal blogger by clicking on the link at the end of the post. Have fun!

"Looking at my family now, I note there have been 11 (or 16, counting another way) divorces, spread across three generations -- more than enough for a soap, and not what its members would have invented for themselves as children. But we cannot now unumagine the new fathers and step-aunts and half brothers and sisters and half grandnieces that sit around the family tables on a Thanksgiving, or wish a life for ourselves that did not include unexpected attachments." - Roger Angell

Out of the corner of my eye through the office window I can see the tiniest flakes of snow of the coming winter. Some drift sideways, some seem to fall straight down, all in different planes, the trees are skeletal. The sky is gray and leaves settled in the gutter. It is all so familiar. The short, dark days. The beginning of the winter in a place where the wind chill can drop to forty below and winter days are routinely in the teens and in the spring, kids shed their jackets at the first forty degrees above zero -- playing in their shirtsleeves because it seems so warm. This place of biting cold, short winter days. One of my favorite winter scenes is watching the pick up hockey games on Lake of the Isles, the mansions blanketed with snow and strung with lights, the ice cleared and kids perched on the boards like rodeo cowboys waiting their turn in the chute.

When the radio seeped into my consciousness this morning imagine my surprise to hear someone talking about how lilacs were blooming by Lake Harriet, and crocuses peeking up through the ground...disoriented I never figured out if they were talking about the encoded trigger points of nature going haywire, or if it was some springtime rebroadcast...though the local weather is calling for 50s and rain, even with these few flakes -- the very thought of it seems incongruent, unsettling.

G. is going deer hunting up north and W. goes back to his mom today, a transition day. I felt myself consumed with worry -- worry for G. hunting alone -- last night at the Coliseum on the fairgrounds W. had hockey practice and G. and I walked around the concrete perimeter of the rink, looking up at the arcing cavernous ceiling, the old bolted metal seats; this is a place where, in summer, they do barrel racing and show the 4H blue ribbon animals. "You could come with me" he says
"We could get a hotel, you could soak in the bathtub" his face lights up. He laughs to himself. Once he's allowed himself the chance to think about the coziness of it all, the prospect of a tent in the woods alone for three days seems lonely.

This morning I just got really sad with the normal bustle of morning routine -- those two were racing around, G. working a half-day before leaving, after W. gets to school I go around the house packing his bags that go with him to his mother's house -- the giant blue hockey bag filled with clothes, and then the REAL hockey bag -- and then the GOALIE bag. And he's seven. I wet his hair down with a comb, it's retake day for pictures.

"When you get there, check in the mirror" I say " you have this one part that's all sticky-outy" He stands there dutifully.

"They don't have a mirror" he says, plastering it down with his hand. His dad comes in and take over the combing. I am tossing dishes around again.

They both make sounds about how I am so grumpy in the morning...the razzing of them both -- it's not G. that gets to me -- because he tempers his teasing with liberal hugs, sweet whispers, laughter, the loving look in his eye. But W. sometimes it is just so clear that he loves me, but I am not essential to his happiness. He doesn't court my love, need it, come to me for warmth -- and this uneasy ebb and flow of emotion between us, even at this age, is hard. He stands apart, so I stand apart --and I'm aching in this distance between us to have a child who calls me 'mommy' -- who throws themselves into my arms, who can't bear to be without me.

I would never trade the love I have for W. -- that challenges me to love unconditionally, to risk, to be effusive when I might otherwise be quiet -- and I don't always succeed -- sometimes I am closed, and sad, and unapproachable. I hugged him as he left and put my arms around him.

"Give me a hug. You'll be gone for a week. I miss you when you're gone." He lets me hug him.

"But it's ooonly a week." He says, shrugging his camo backpack up on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but a week without you seems like a very long time." And he follows his dad out the door with a casual 'see ya'...him like a duckling behind his dad.

As they close the door I am engulfed again with the longing -- even now on this enforced break -- I keep asking -- am I ready for more shots? Another round of overstimming if it comes to that? IVF if it comes to that? I wanted to take advantage of this break to get my head on straight, to do yoga, to refocus, to get out of the single-minded, marathon of trying to conceive...take a few months through the holidays.

The other day I had a daydream leaving Target, and felt deeply the presence of my little girl -- though I've never even been pregnant, not once. It was startling, and strange.

Though I'd have my life no other way, and I deeply love W. and we share a bond that's hard to describe, I know I'm not his mom.

So the house will be quiet this next week -- it will be me and my lucygirl in the long dark evening -- me knitting a baby blanket,and Lucy scratching at the couch, pretending she's pawing a nest in the snow for her den.

Okay -- now you get to guess who this mystery blogger might be -- and to catch up with your regularly scheduled blogger on this cross polination event -- click here.

Spelling Lesson

2007-11-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

This morning J (heretofore known as "The Snake") and I visited our family doctor's office for our annual flu shots. While waiting, The Snake found an old Fisher Price magnetic chalkboard with a smattering of remaining letters. As his interest in reading and spelling is burgeoning, he wanted me to make some words for him. Being the facile wordsmith that I am, I was happy to oblige. However, this was no easy task. Our selection of vowels was limited to "O", which I think might really have been the zero, and "U."

I scrounged up a few consonants and managed to make "FUN." But beyond that the best I could do was "OLD." I was trying to get The Snake to sound out the word. Finally I just said, "OLD, like Mommy feels most of the time."

The lady sitting next to us snickered.

Spread the Word -- VOTE

2007-11-05T05:02:00.001-08:00

Mel at Stirrup Queens needs our help. Cause she helps us. Get out the VOTE. Email your friends and family (if you can), and have them vote. The more attention IF gets the better.

Go here to VOTE.

Waiting for .... ?

With Gratitude

Humpf.

Advice

A Year Ago Today ...

VOTE

Catch Me on the Flip Side

Buzz

Basking in the Sunshine

Confusion

Medical Transport

Where Is the Roundup?

The Emerald City ...

One Shoe On, One Shoe Off

One of the Other Shoes has Dropped

Heading Toward 34 weeks

The Birth

Transitions

No Longer Hangin' -- Babies Arrived

Still Hangin' In

Status Quo

Big Changes

I am ... (updated)

Painful Purchase

Domino

Request for Information

Yesterday and Today

No More Ants

Antsy

The Growth of Spring

Drumroll, Please

The Nature of Good and Bad

What Exactly Does Free Mean?

All the News that's Fit to Print

Forward Progress

Evil Anxiety

Surgery, Diabetes, Vomiting -- Oh My!

Cabbage

First Trimester Scan

Mis-Scheduling Mishap

Half Dozen Things

Not

Lessons in Futility

I Want Spring

With Sadness

Ten Weeks

Status Quo

Thanks

I Hate Something Bad

All Out of Clever

7w6d

Pre-Scan Jitters

Circle

Double Your Pleasure

Out, out damn spot

Gone

Again

Tease *Updated*

Wishing a Happier New Year to ALL

Maybe

Not So Doublicious

Double Time

Gracias

Beta In

Its Always Darkest ...

Fading ... *Updated*

9dp3dt, 12dpo -- Where I Come Clean

The Gardens

Where I'm From

Snowy Day

4dp3dt

This Moment

In the Beginning ...

Sunday Worship

Makeover

Three, Its a Magic Number

Deep Breathing -- warning, long post

Ready?

Lucky Number Seven

Happy Chanukkah

Tease Updated

Fading ... Updated

Slow, slow, slow, but steady UPDATED